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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming with dd's school

91 replies

Molehillmountain · 30/05/2012 00:14

Dd who is in year one has brought home a beautifully written, very persuasive, invitation to an event that we can't attend, that she will have to be at school for whilst most of her class are involved in and that the teacher knows she can't be involved in because I told them from the outset. We'd already started letting dd know that she couldn't be involved but writing the invitation at school must have confused her and she has been in floods of tears over it. I know they can't do everything and have everything but I think this is rubbing her nose in it and I'm cross beyond belief. I am sorely tempted to keep her away from school that day. We have supported the school wholeheartedly since she began there but I am very upset. Every time I close my eyes to get to sleep I have visions of dd having a whole day of being upset.

OP posts:
OddBoots · 30/05/2012 07:52

If the school is preventing her from being involved because you can't get there or due to some kind of SEN then YANBU, that's unfair.

If you are choosing to prevent her from taking part in something the rest of the class are doing then YABU, it's your choice.

FairPhyllis · 30/05/2012 07:53

Is it First Holy Communion OP? I was the only non-Catholic in my class when everyone else got dressed up and went to the chapel for Mass.

QueenEdith · 30/05/2012 07:56

Whatever the reasons why the DC cannot participate (and OP is not asking for judgement on them), once the school is aware of this they should not require that child to take part in associated activities. OP: perhaps you need to reiterate to school that, as they have already been informed, DD will not be participating in the event and you should be grateful for her not to be involved in any further preparations etc.

BTW: I support diversity in schools, including that which arises from freedom in religious observance. We do not however know whether that is remotely relevant here.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 30/05/2012 07:57

Is it a jubilee party?

My reception/Y1 class have done invitations for a jubilee party in school time recently. It was a brilliant way to motivate some of the younger ones who aren't interested in writing to do some practice because it is something they care about. We got some excellent work out of children who often struggle with writing.

YABU. You won't be the only parent that can't attend, and if you are happy with the school otherwise I'm sure the staff there will still make sure she has a nice time. Maybe they were hoping a grandparent or friend coudk attend for you instead.

What do you think they should have done with your dd while everyone else was doing invites? Or do you think she should have been excluded from that too?

It's not the schools fault you can't go, and that's the reason your dd is upset, not because she made the invite. I think you are feeling guilty because you can't go and are trying to shift the blame for your dds upset onto the school.

QueenEdith · 30/05/2012 08:00

I've just reread OP: is it a 'bring a parent' day?

CailinDana · 30/05/2012 08:01

So along with her not being able to attend you wanted the teacher to single her out and give her a different writing task to the rest of the class when they were writing invitations? You wanted her to be excluded on two occasions rather than one? You do realise how shitty it would be for your daughter if the teacher handed paper, paints pens etc out, explained the task and then came over to your DD and said "Oh but you're not doing this, you have to do x y and z."

YABtotallyU. Going to school means being involved in whatever is going on at school. You can't specify tasks only for your child. That's not how it works. If you're not happy about that then you need to consider home schooling.

MsKittyFane · 30/05/2012 08:03

Strange that your DD will be in school with everyone else but can't take part just because you can't attend. Therefore I agree with others who have guessed that you are not allowing her to take part.

What would you like the school to do OP? Take a teacher out of the main activity and supervise your DC away from everyone else?

I too would suspect this has to do with religion not disability.
Children with disabilities can access a wide range of activities within their own capabilities.

Frontpaw · 30/05/2012 08:04

The alternative would be for DD to be told not to make the invitation at school, and she would have been upset then too.

She is disappointed, and sadly, this is part of life and it is something she will need to learn how to deal with.

I'd explain to her so that she understands the why's and why nots. Make it a positive if you can (its hard to suggest ideas when we don't know the story - but you don't need to tell us).

So, for example, if it was an invite for you to attend a school play and you are working, then explain that mummy has to go to work, and you can't take the day off as then you won't have many days off over the school holidays when you can spend the whole day together and do 'special' nice. things.

She'll forget it quickly and bounce back. Its heartbreaking to watch your child sobbing and all you want to do os backtrack and 'make it all better' but I'm sure you have good reasons for this, and have not made the decision lightly.

Callisto · 30/05/2012 08:12

What a weird OP. I think that the OP has deliberately left all of the crucial info out because she knows she is beiing unreasonable.

RabidAnchovy · 30/05/2012 08:13

I am confused if she is in school why can she not take part?

onadifferentplanet · 30/05/2012 08:19

it is difficult to give a fair opinion as you have given no clue as to the reasons why neither you or your child can attend the event though as others have suggested it would be fair to presume it is for religious reasons as you have said you may keep your child at home so presumably the reason for your non attendance is not because of work. In any case even if your child cannot take part in this event can she not 'sit in' and observe so as not to feel left out?

Frontpaw · 30/05/2012 08:20

I assume its either something that will 'out' the op or something she's afraid will raise heckles (religion, monarchy, football...), so doesn't want to detract from the issue.

Or she may be in a rush and doesn't want to get into a debate with us lot (of strangers!)

Either way, its a valid question I suppose.

GrahamTribe · 30/05/2012 08:22

"you are imposing your beliefs over her wishes."

So many times I hear this on MN and so many times I want to scream! We all impose our beliefs on our DC from time to time. It's part of being a parent, part taking responsibility for your child and part of teaching him what are, in your opinion, sound moral values.

Whether it's having a child christened when they can't argue back or telling a child they can't have sweets when they want them, we do it and sometimes against our DC's wishes too.

tiggytape · 30/05/2012 08:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exoticfruits · 30/05/2012 08:35

We bring them up according to our beliefs GrahamTribe-knowing full well they are not a blank sheet and that they will make up their own mind in future. OP DD is still at the stage where her opinions come from 'my mummy says.....' but by about 8yrs she will be changing it to 'I think.......'
Since OP hasn't specified I would guess that it is either religious and she is making her different by excluding or it is a jubilee thing that her mother is against.
If it is the latter just think 80 years on and the DDs grandchildren learn about it in history and say 'what did you do for the jubilee, Granny?' and she has to say 'well the school had a lovely event but my mother was miserable and wouldn't let me go'.

QueenEdith · 30/05/2012 08:38

It is something which her DD cannot participate in because a parent cannot attend, which is why I wondered about it being a 'bring a parent' day.

All schools which hold these should be aware of the upset it causes if no parent can can attend, and should have sympathetic and supportive measures in place.

Mrsrobertduvall · 30/05/2012 08:39

Maybe she went to bed and is doing school run atm which is why she hasn't come back [gives op benefit of the doubt for not responding]

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 30/05/2012 08:53

Agree with Lee.

I doubt she was confused about writing the invitation, just upset she can't go to whatever the event is. I don't know what the event is, so I can't comment on that. Your job as a parent is to accept that children experience disappointment and manage that. Not get furious with school, who were probably using the activity as a writing and design task

exoticfruits · 30/05/2012 08:55

I agree with Jamie-whatever the reason your job is to help them deal with disappointment. It sounds like a handwriting exercise.

Maryz · 30/05/2012 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hullygully · 30/05/2012 09:04

Is it pole dancing?

HecateTrivia · 30/05/2012 09:06

So it's not that she can't attend because she won't be there, it's that you don't WANT her to participate and have said that she cannot take part and will have to stay in school instead of being part of whatever it is?

I'm sure you have your reasons, but I don't blame her for being upset about it.

DeWe · 30/05/2012 09:12

I would assume it's something like a first communion celebratory assembly (they have them round here). You said in your op that there's other children not doing it either, so she won't be the only one.

I think you not being able to attend is a red herring, she's upset because she's not doing it not because you can't come.

Kidsandpets · 30/05/2012 09:15

But if it is something that the parents can't attend because they are busy, then who would look after the dd if she stays off school that day?

Frontpaw · 30/05/2012 09:21

Is anyone else not taking part? What are they doing?

I never know what's going on at our school. One day at poick up I notice the luch menu on the wall 'mexican day'. So I ask DS about it and he said 'it was nice'. It wasn't until I saw the photos that I knew that all the teachers has dressed up, lunchroom was all decorated with flags and paintings, the food looked brill and there was a mariachi band (complete with sombreros and moustaches) playing all through lunch.