is she being unreasonable? Wedding, children

[Bagofholly]

Have just had my very tearful cousin on the phone. She gets married this September, fiancé's step sister is invited to the wedding, with her husband, and they have a little boy. The venue is a lovely but rather formal restaurant and they've said verbally that it's a no-kids do. The invitations haven't gone out yet, just Save The Date cards. My cousin's fiancé told his SS that children weren't allowed and that he hoped she would understand. Well the SS rang the venue who said they didn't have a no children rule, and then rang my cousin and her fiancé and got really upset, saying they shouldn't have lied, they're starting their marriage with a lie, why can't she bring her boy, etc.
I think they could have handled it better but that SS is incredibly rude checking up on them and trying to force their hand. She says they won't go unless she can bring her son.
Unreasonable?

No, because they are not pretending to want their family around them. It's the thing of wanting a big wedding which can only happen with guests, when you won't actually consider your guests needs that makes me

It's like saying you want guests, but only convenient ones.

I can understand completely that you can't invite every child you know to a wedding, but the only reason for not inviting close family children is because you care more about your venue than you do about your nephews and nieces. I think most people are very undertsanding about family children only weddings, I know I've been to a few and not been bothered about having to leave my children behind. But if one of my step sisters was getting married and said to me that they wanted me there only if I was prepared to leave my two year old with someone he doesn't really know all day, then I would get the feeling that she wasn't really that bothered whether I was there or not. And that would hurt.

I find it difficult to understand why any couple would want their wedding to cause hurt feelings when it could be easily avoided by choosing a different venue. It's not like there aren't plenty to choose from.

It won't be her entire family going to the wedding though, because as step siblings she will have another family that her step brother is not related to and probably won't have asked.

And she isn't being deliberately excluded, she's threatening not to go if she doesn't get her own way and so excluding herself.

And it's not about wanting a particular venue, that was an excuse/lie told by the groom for whatever reason but (I suspect) one made because she has form for this sort of manipulative behaviour. It's about wanting their own wedding the way they want it, not the way someone else is insisting it has to be.

If anyone is being a self centred twat it is the sister (and I bet her wedding was exactly the way she wanted it).

Yes, and the way they want their wedding is full of guests who are there to make up the party. If they wanted their guests there because they love them, then they would want to plan a wedding which would include them.

You shouldn't assume that there will be other family that can look after the children, it's nowhere near a given! My children are older now, but at 2yo, they had only been left with parents and grandparents. My DHs Mum is too old to cope with a toddler on her own and his dad is no longer with us. He is an only child. So who on his side of the family could I leave my child with? Everyone who has ever cared for the child would be at the wedding.

Their wedding, their choice. SS should fuck off.

My and DH has been invited to a few family weddings, all of which declared no children welcome. They knew it would be an unsolvable problem for us as we lived abroad (2 1/2 hours flight away so not too far and if kids had been welcome then we would have gone). Neither me nor DH were prepared to leave our kids at home as both were under 4 for that long. We took it as a "yes we have to invite you but we don't actually want you there" and have pretty much left it at that. They have all sent us a pretty clear message. It did hammer it home that this was their message as his dad then tried to show us some of the videos where the brides' friends' children were seen playing around, dancing about!!
It's the bride and grooms' privilege to invite who they want, but they should be aware of what message they are sending out, and should not be surprised by the reaction it might cause!!

I had a child free wedding because when we planned it we had just had another failed ivf and were going to start ivf again after the honeymoon and just didnt want to think about children on our wedding day. Admittedly we didint have any nephews or nieces at the time and only a couple of friends had children,and that might have made a difference. Selfish? Probably, but it was how we felt.

We spoke to the friends with children beforehand and said we were thinking of making the wedding child free and would they mind, and they jumped at the chance for a night off, so perhaps speaking to people early on can help, before they have already got an idea of the day in their heads. However, I would have been shocked if anyone had questioned our choice quite frankly.

Yes telling the white lie was a bit of a mistake, but honestly SS is being completely selfish.

Perhaps I shouldn't assume there are other relatives, but with this being a step family it is likely that the SS does have other relatives who are not attending her SB's wedding even if they are not able to care for her son for whatever reason.

But you shouldn't assume that they are self centred twats just because their wedding wouldn't suit your circumstances or assume that they are only inviting people to make up a party and don't love the SS or her son.

They have planned a wedding that will include their guests. The nephew is not one of their guests because they want a child free wedding. The sister is one of their guests but if she cannot or will not find childcare for him and decides not to go then that is sad but people shouldn't have to change their entire wedding to suit one person who has been rude, melodramatic and manipulative because she isn't getting her own way.

And not everyone who has a grizzling child will take them out of a wedding ceremony. We were at a wedding where no one could hear the vows because some twat refused to believe that he should deny his pfb anything and so the child shouted throughout.

Make sure your cousin sticks to her guns