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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

is she being unreasonable? Wedding, children

83 replies

Bagofholly · 28/05/2012 19:16

Have just had my very tearful cousin on the phone. She gets married this September, fiancé's step sister is invited to the wedding, with her husband, and they have a little boy. The venue is a lovely but rather formal restaurant and they've said verbally that it's a no-kids do. The invitations haven't gone out yet, just Save The Date cards. My cousin's fiancé told his SS that children weren't allowed and that he hoped she would understand. Well the SS rang the venue who said they didn't have a no children rule, and then rang my cousin and her fiancé and got really upset, saying they shouldn't have lied, they're starting their marriage with a lie, why can't she bring her boy, etc.
I think they could have handled it better but that SS is incredibly rude checking up on them and trying to force their hand. She says they won't go unless she can bring her son.
Unreasonable?

OP posts:

frumpet · 28/05/2012 21:37

Annie i was being a tiny bit sarcastic . Not a mad keen fan of the you must come and worship at the alter of the bride and groom type wedding ! However if the function is really formal then i couldnt think of anything worse than taking small children along and spending the whole time stressing . If the child in question is top junior and above then i wouldnt see the problem .

avivabeaver · 28/05/2012 21:43

is there more to it in the mad step-sisters mind?

is she the only one with children, therefore thinks that they know she will not come if they impose a no child rule? but everyone else will go?

she sounds unhinged tbh

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 28/05/2012 21:47

Your cousin lied. For that alone she/her dp IBU.

I need more details to decide if I think sibu about the rest of it. The age of the child is very important, and if everyone that this SS would trust with her child is going to be at the wedding then she is effectively being excluded from her step brothers wedding. Who wouldn't be upset about that?

If the child is still pre school age, I think your cousin is being unreasonable to have a child free wedding onthe first place, because I see it as unreasonable to not consider the valid concerns and needs of your guests when you invite them to share a special event with you.

DowagersHump · 28/05/2012 21:55

It's one thing if it's your mates' kids, quite another if they're your family. I would be incredibly hurt if one of my sisters had a child-free wedding because it's effectively saying that I'm not invited. Which sucks

SandraSue · 28/05/2012 21:58

Why is it worse when they're younger? Surely that makes mroe sense in terms of a no-kids wedding. A 16yo is less likely to disturb people than a 2yo surely?

It doesn't matter what age her child is, it means everyone, not just her, so they're not exactly targeting her specifically.

Jenny70 · 28/05/2012 22:08

I probably would have phoned the venue (to see what age was restricted, what flexibility there was etc) IF the bride/groom had said something like "of course WE would love to have little johnny there, but the venue just won't allow us".

I haven't seen how little the boy is, but if a babe-in-arms scenario, I probably would phone venue to clarify how a baby (possibly in pram, more likely a portable bassinette) might be accomodated. If it meant the difference between me going to my brother's wedding or missing out, I'd be trying to find a solution without bothering the bride/groom with every possible scenario.

However, if the bride and groom said "sorry no kids", it's an adult wedding, I would have declined and stewed over it privately.

doormat · 28/05/2012 22:15

bagof holly your poor cousin..hugs...ss is being an arse....it is down to the bride and groom who they invite...

WenTheEternallySurprised · 28/05/2012 22:22

It doesn't matter whether the venue allows DC or not. The couple have decided that there are to be no children and that should have been the end of it. The SS is rude and behaving very badly. If I were your cousin I'd stick to my guns and say fine, if you won't come because children aren't invited, your choice.

CountryMouse27 · 28/05/2012 22:30

The B&G here should have been straight with their guests and said its a no-kids do, regardless of the venue, although the SS does sound like a bunnyboiler and its taking it to the extreme - ringing the venue ffs?

Although I dont see the point of not having children at a wedding, the ones I have attended with the rule still have the five favours, health, wealth, happiness, long life and fertility which seems a bit double standard when there's no children allowed to attend.

angeltulips · 28/05/2012 23:03

Am really quite taken aback at how many people don't turn up to weddings bc their dcs aren't invited. Formal weddings in partic are not suitable for young kids. You all need to get a life.

(FAOD I say this as someone who has her DBILS wedding next weekend. Guess what? It's childfree. Guess what? We're not in the least bit offended because our preschool age children would be bored stupid & should be in bed anyway.)

OP - yanbu

Original poster

Bagofholly · 28/05/2012 23:11

Ok coming back to this - don't know much about the relationship between fiancé and SS but by all accounts affectionate. The ss's little boy will 2 1/2 ish at the wedding and is an only child.

OP posts:

InsomniaQueen · 28/05/2012 23:20

We've been invited to a no child wedding later this year - I know it's caused a lot of problems but despite having a LO myself I have defended the brides choice because after all it really is 'her day'. The fact that everyone I would normally leave her with is either busy or at the wedding means I won't be able to go but that's just how it is sometimes. It really isn't worth causing major drama over!!

ivanapoo · 28/05/2012 23:27

I think sometimes it's not as simple as not wanting kids at your wedding. At ours for example we said no cousins' or friends' children as there would have been around 30 of them and we wouldn't have been able to invite more than two or three friends as a result. Dear friends who we see all the time vs children who have little idea who we are and would rather be somewhere else? No competition for me.

We did however invite our nephews and nieces as immediate family and I'm surprised your cousin isn't doing the same but is perfectly within her rights not to.

SS Was U to ring the venue without asking them first. It seems underhand. Unless of course the groom made a massive "venue is being a total nightmare" deal out of it but the OP doesn't suggest that.

sashh · 29/05/2012 07:33

Just don't send SS an invite - she obviously wants it to be about her not your cousin.

DowagersHump · 29/05/2012 08:36

angeltulips - it's not because I don't trust anyone else to look after a small child but for most people, the only people who would or could look after a small child during the day (not the evening, weddings start in the daytime) are immediate family who are going to be at the wedding one assumes.

Evening dos are easy, it's daytime that's tricky.

This thread is really interesting - normally on MN, people side with the parent but this is totally the other way round.

I wonder if it is because she's 'only' a step sister? Or just that she called the venue (I agree that's off).

But really, you would be absolutely fine if you couldn't take your child to your brother's wedding? I find that pretty hard to believe.

thegreylady · 29/05/2012 08:40

I do believe in having children at weddings. When my DD got married though my stepson,s little girl who was just two cried loudly all through the service and it was disruptive.

DowagersHump · 29/05/2012 08:44

I spent a friend's wedding outside the room because my 2 year old was kicking off during the ceremony. Obviously you take them out of the room if they're disrupting proceedings!

Hullygully · 29/05/2012 08:45

wah hahahahaha

ComradeJing · 29/05/2012 09:03

The child is two and a half and it sounds like the couple have given plenty of warning that it's a child free wedding. SS has bags of time to either organise a sitter or just not go if she feels that strongly.

SS is being V V unreasonable. And an arse.

NigellaTufnel · 29/05/2012 09:05

Of course the SS is being an unbelievable arse. Tell your cousin that we all have loons in our families and she is better off without this one.
I can't bear this holier than thou attitude about 'I can't believe you are not having kids at a wedding', if it was a formal dinner to celebrate anything else people would not kick up a stink.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 29/05/2012 09:28

I don't think it has anything to do with her being 'only' a step sister and everything to do with her being rude, demanding and manipulative (which I suspect is the reason the groom lied to her in the first place).

But being a step sister may actually help with the child care issue, if it is an issue, because she will very likely have parent and other family who are not at the wedding and who may be able to help care for her son. And weddings are usually at the weekend when most people are off work.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 29/05/2012 09:56

People wouldn't kick off about a formal dinner because those aren't as special as weddings. All you people that are saying the SS is an arse, would none of you feel sad if you couldn't watch your step brother get married? If your entire family were going to be at a special and memorable occasion and you were being deliberately excluded?

I fully believe that people can have whatever sort of wedding they want, but if they want a wedding at a particular venue more than they want to share the day with family, more than they want their guests to be accommodated, then they are self centred twats.

tiggytape · 29/05/2012 10:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sheeplikessleep · 29/05/2012 10:45

Self centred twats? Bit harsh. This isn't about accommodating guests, this is about two people getting married and having the day they want.

I think anyone who has a 'no kids' rule has to accept that some people may not come for that reason. But to call them self centred twats for getting married wherever they want to? Really?

If this were me and it were my Step Brother and I literally had no-one to look after DSs, then DH would stay at home and look after kids, so I could go. And vice versa, if it was a wedding he wanted to go to.

Guests can no way instill some sort of influence over someone else's wedding. That to me is self centred.

sheeplikessleep · 29/05/2012 10:48

And what about couples who go and get married by themselves? Are they self centred twats too, for denying their family a chance to see their wedding?

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