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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

is she being unreasonable? Wedding, children

83 replies

Bagofholly · 28/05/2012 19:16

Have just had my very tearful cousin on the phone. She gets married this September, fiancé's step sister is invited to the wedding, with her husband, and they have a little boy. The venue is a lovely but rather formal restaurant and they've said verbally that it's a no-kids do. The invitations haven't gone out yet, just Save The Date cards. My cousin's fiancé told his SS that children weren't allowed and that he hoped she would understand. Well the SS rang the venue who said they didn't have a no children rule, and then rang my cousin and her fiancé and got really upset, saying they shouldn't have lied, they're starting their marriage with a lie, why can't she bring her boy, etc.
I think they could have handled it better but that SS is incredibly rude checking up on them and trying to force their hand. She says they won't go unless she can bring her son.
Unreasonable?

OP posts:

MsPickle · 28/05/2012 19:40

Each to their own re child free weddings, personally I think it's part of the fun but I don't mind children..! I do know however that there are some venues limiting the number of "child priced" meals etc, I know of one recent wedding where the venue said 6 (I think) max so b&g said their nieces/nephews only as they just didn't have budget otherwise. It caused a ruckus with cousins etc but I can understand, it comes down to price per bum on seat often. Perhaps if this is their reason & they have lots of kids in family they could have a cheap tea party later for kids? No idea if that could work but I had the idea and my phone so now it's out there!

sheeplikessleep · 28/05/2012 19:45

SS being very unreasonable.

Whether people agree with it or not, you're being invited along to someone else's wedding. If there's one day that you can stipulate who you do and don't invite, it's your wedding.

In all honesty, pre-kids I couldn't understand it. With kids now I totally understand the no kids rule . I think some people have such a sense of entitlement and take these things far too personally.

dexterthecat · 28/05/2012 20:01

I don't know why you'd want to take a small child to a wedding in a formal restaurant. I would have thought it would be miserable for everyone involved???

I don't really have a problem with child free weddings. It's down to the bride and groom how they manage their day.

Anniegetyourgun · 28/05/2012 20:14

If I were that bride, right now I'd be frantically searching round for alternative venues that really did exclude children, just to make sure that Stepsisterofthegroomzilla definitely couldn't come.

monkeymoma · 28/05/2012 20:17

but this isn't about the pros and cons of a child free wedding

this is about a couple who opted for a child free wedding by choice but didn't admit it to their guests, instead claimed the venue didn't allow children (which if the guests didn't find out before hand they'ld probably realise once they were there!).

why did they invite people who they wont share their "vision" of their day with eh?

SarkyWench · 28/05/2012 20:20

I'd be gutted if my sibling didn't want my kids at their wedding.

But I wouldn't behave like an arse if this happened.

MrsCampbellBlack · 28/05/2012 20:22

How old is the child?

I think its fine to have child free weddings especially if they're very formal but you have to accept that some people will be hurt by this especially if 'nephews' etc are then excluded.

ElphabaisWicked · 28/05/2012 20:23

I think whether she is being unreasonable or not depends on the relationship.

Dh has two ss. One is from his mums first marriage and they were brought up together. The other is from his dads first marriage. She lived with her mum and he hardly saw her

To exclude the first ones children from our wedding would have been unthinkable in the same way ad it would be to exclude my brothers children and our parents would probably boycott too

To exclude the others children who are the equivalent of a distant. Relative is up to the bride and groom.

monkeymoma · 28/05/2012 20:24

but SarkyWench, what if your sib said "oooo we wish your DC could be there, but the venue JUST DOESN'T ALLOW IT " ... then you found out that that was bollocks and it was their choice not to invite your DC but didn't have the balls to tell you?

bit different to "just" having a straight forward no child wedding?"

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 28/05/2012 20:25

HereIGo I think your reaction has been a little extreme and it's not the fault of the OP's cousin if her fiancé has chosen to lie to his step sister about the reasons for not inviting her son and any other children to the wedding.

He knows her better than we do and whatever their relationship is like, if he felt that he needed to lie to her rather than tell her the truth (and based on her childish threats and manipulations, to say nothing of her ringing the venue behind the backs of the bride and groom I can understand why he felt that way even though I don't agree it was the best thing to do), it's still not the fault of his fiancee that he did it.

We didn't have a child free wedding and if we were invited to one I might feel a bit hurt that DS was not included, but that would be my problem. I had my wedding the way I wanted it and with my own ideas about what it meant to both us as a couple and to the wider families including the children in them. But that doesn't mean I believe everyone else has to feel the same way and I certainly wouldn't cut myself out of my brothers life and out of the lives of his future children if he chose to have a child free wedding. That's a very extreme reaction to have, to spite yourself and your future nieces and nephews continually through their entire lives, denying yourself a relationship with your brother, your SIL and their children just to prove a point to your brother.

monkeymoma · 28/05/2012 20:32

there are innocent ways of finding out that the venue is child friendly

like one couple I know who pulled the same "oooo it's the VENUE not us" rubbish! - the venue had accomodation, there were children's rates! (it wasn't a hotel with function room it was a stand alone sort of space so if children were allowed they were allowed everywhere if that makes sense).. the piccies of other weddings on the website had flower girls etc in them... so after INNOCENTLY seeing that, it could be understandable to ring up to double check rather than wonder IF you were lied to

(also it was a local venue to the bride so some guests at hers had been at other weddings there - what a prize tit! )

SarkyWench · 28/05/2012 20:33

Monkeymoma
Yup I'd be gutted if I found out that my brother lied to me. And it would make me re-evaluate my relationship with him.

But tbh as with all things, context is everything. We know nothing about their sibling relationship. My brother would never in a million years do this because my dc are part of his family and he'd want them there to celebrate. If he did do this it would make me realise that I'd completely misunderstood our role in their life.

But still I like to think I wouldn't start phoning venues to prove the lie. Or causing them upset.
,

monkeymoma · 28/05/2012 20:39

I think I would ring if there was some OTHER reason to suspect I was lied to, mostly in the hopes of proving my niggles wrong so I could put it out of my head.

I wouldn't check up on it if it was just the couples word, but if I had a nosey at their venue website (as y'do, I get all excited about a wedding invite and look up the venue , and sometimes you have to to book accomodation) and it looked like all the wedding photos on there had children then I might do some more digging

scarletforya · 28/05/2012 20:43

Yes, she's being unreasonable.

Jeez, what the hell is wrong with these people that can't enjoy themselves for one day without their kids? It's pathetic. How will these people cope when their kids leave home?

It baffles me. 'Lied to' is nonsense. The B&G don't want kids, that's the deal, if the stepsister can't deal with that for a day then she doesn't have to go. Simple.

SarkyWench · 28/05/2012 20:48

Scarlet
It is not about not being able to enjoy myself without my kids.
I happily go to friend's weddings without kids (even if they are invited :) )

But my brother's wedding? I'd be utterly bemused if he didn't want them there.
But as I said before we know nothing of the wider context - it may be completely reasonable in the context of their relationship.

skybluepearl · 28/05/2012 20:51

Age of boy please? Because the issue does depend on the boys age. Breast fed babies and formula fed babies should be allowed to by pass any no children rule. Sometimes toddlers are hard to leave.

I think that often a couple getting married have no idea of what it is like to have children and how hurtful it is to have them discluded form a family even. Generally anyway it's quite nice to have the children of family members present at a wedding as long as they are well behaved.

Cousin can decide that children aren't allowed but it was wrong to say that the venue has a no children rule. That is a lie I agree. It must be hurtful to be lied to.

I don't blame SS for inquiring at the venue but I think she delt with it badly on the phone to your cousin. She should have really just said that she couldn't go as she couldn't leave her son and left it at that.

scarletforya · 28/05/2012 21:07

I wouldn't care. If no kids were invited then no kids are invited, I can't understand taking it personally. It doesn't mean the brother doesn't like her child. He can see the child any time, a wedding is just one day.

SarkyWench · 28/05/2012 21:10

Fair enough.
I would take it personally, but like to think that I'd put the bride and groom first and do my best not to show it. :)

SandraSue · 28/05/2012 21:11

Some posters are obviously idiots. Sorry.

THEY ARE NOT STARTING THEIR MARRIAGE WITH A LIE. The venue might not have a no-kids policy, but that's not what was said to the woman, she was told it was a no-kids DO. As in PARTY. As in EVENT. therefore, all arguments based on "the venue said otherwise" are bullshit because they start on the wrong foot.

As far as being unreasonable goes, I don't think it matters what relation the child is to the couple, if they've said no children they mean no children. This includes everyone, not just the "SS" in the OP. Yes, you may think they're being stupid to say no, even to nephews etc, but it's their wedding and their choice.
Anyone who would check up on them like this is loopy, and anyone who would not go because their "DD/DD" isn't allowed is cutting off their nose to spite their face.

OP, I think she's being unreasonable and I would tell her to suck it up and go or get over it!

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/05/2012 21:11

Did the groom lie to the SS?

the op says that she thinks that he did but the OP doesn't read like that to me.

TBH tho if the SS reacts like this it makes you wonder what the child is like.

SarkyWench · 28/05/2012 21:16

Sandra
You might wish to read the whole thread before calling posters idiots.

Anniegetyourgun · 28/05/2012 21:22

My DB absolutely does not "do" children, he's practically got a phobia about them. His wedding was not surprisingly declared child-free. However he made an exception for my three, who were aged 7 to 11 at the time (plus one bump). He said he trusted me to ensure they behaved beautifully. Not like an order or threat, just an honest statement of trust, which was really nice. Offspring duly behaved like little angels. (Their mother got a bit snippy at one point in the proceedings, mind you, but that's another story .)

One can't help suspecting that the OP's cousin's fiancé (still with me?) doesn't quite trust his SS to the same extent.

frumpet · 28/05/2012 21:29

For goodness sake the groom to be should have grown a pair and said ' look love we are having a no kids wedding , because it is OUR day and therefore all about US and we dont want any adorable little ankle biters upstaging us spoiling OUR special day '

SandraSue · 28/05/2012 21:32

Sarky, I said some. And I did read the whole thread, tyvm.

Anniegetyourgun · 28/05/2012 21:32

frumpet, you forgot to add especially yours you mad old bat

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