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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be quite happy to leave my DS with my mum for a few hours?

98 replies

nightowlmostly · 28/05/2012 12:09

I know this is a thread about a thread kind of! I was reading the other AIBU thread yesterday and today and started to feel a bit like I must be a bit strange!

I think it was only ten days after I had my first baby when I went to the doctor and left my DS with my DH. I was having trouble with healing from my episiotiomy and needed antibiotics, so I was having a bit of a nightmare.

It felt so good to be out in the sunshine by myself after sitting in the house feeling shit so I went to the supermarket fore a few bits we needed instead of going home and sending DH. Just being out, driving around alone really helped me feel like myself again, it was just what I needed.

Then 2 weeks after the birth my mum came to stay, she lives 400 miles away so we don't get to see her as often as we'd like and she offered to babysit while we went for a meal. So we did, and it was lovely.

Reading the other thread has made me feel as though I'm a bit weird to feel quite relaxed to leave him, with someone I know and trust obviously, we're not talking random people or anything! Is it that strange or is that thread just disproportionately populated by those who won't leave their pfbs with anyone?

OP posts:
trikken · 28/05/2012 14:15

Yanbu. its fine. everyone needs a break once in a while. dc will enjoy it, gp's will enjoy it and dc will benefit having a refreshed mummy when you return.

RedHotPokers · 28/05/2012 14:25

Surely depends on the baby. It was about 4m til I could leave my Dd for more than an hour or two. She fed constantly, including evening cluster feeding that ruled out much chance of a night out.

When ds was 4mo we went to a wedding overnight. I spent half the time expressing as my boobs were agony!

I'm sure ff must give a lot more freedom re nights out.

MrsCampbellBlack · 28/05/2012 14:31

Of course you're not unreasonable but I think if you're bf its not quite so easy to leave a very small baby - certainly mine would have needed feeding a lot at just a few weeks old.

But you know its not a competition and there's no right or wrong time to leave your baby for the first time.

Original poster
nightowlmostly · 28/05/2012 14:41

I know it's not a competition, I was just wondering if I am in the minority or not! Still not sure, don't suppose it matters really Smile

OP posts:
Groovee · 28/05/2012 14:55

The first few weeks after dd was born, were hard as my pregnancy had to be ended for medical reasons and I was so exhausted having had no mat leave and straight into having a baby.

Ds was left at 3 weeks with granny as dd had a hospital appointment in a very busy clinic and the idea of having to manage 2 children just put me off as parking can be hard by the sick kids. So he had a feed before I left him and he slept the whole time for granny. He was sound until we walked back into the house.

I think you have to do what is right for you at the time. Not getting a break in 18 months resulted in a tragedy for someone I'd worked with and when I met her when I was pregnant, she told me to never be afraid to admit you need time to yourself. Don't be a martyr as I did.

DuelingFanjo · 28/05/2012 15:01

I did leave my DS with my DH for an hour or so while I took MIL to the supermarket the day after we got DS home from the special care unit. Maybe the fact that he had been in Special care and I was leaving him overnight every day was what made it easier for me? Though as he got older and back onto the breast I found it harder to leave him. Were you breastfeeding OP?
I didn't leave my DS with my mum until he was about 8 months and have never left him overnight. He's 17 months old and still hasn't been left overnight though I did go out for drinks once (leaving with my DH) and stayed out until 11pm.

I think each to their own really. It was never a priority for me to go clubbing etc as I had already outgrown all that by the time I had my DS.

I am back in work full time, it's no big deal. He's in a really good nursery nearby and we spend lots of time together. I don't think your situation is that unusual to be honest and you shouldn't worry.

thegreylady · 28/05/2012 15:03

YANBU at all 'tis the other poor lass who has got her ideas a bit out of true.

ShowOfHands · 28/05/2012 15:05

When dd was little I wouldn't have left her if David Mitchell was waiting for me naked and covered in jam. I'm a lot more laidback with ds and would leave him with semi-domesticated pigeons if it meant 5 minutes peace and a hands free wee.

You do what feels right.

ShowOfHands · 28/05/2012 15:06

I have never left ds btw. He's 8 months now and apart from nipping across the road to the shop when he's asleep (with dh in the house), I'm here, waiting for David to ring.

NameChangeaGoGo · 28/05/2012 15:09

YANBU

I left my 1 week old for 2 hours with my DH whilst I went to the shops. It felt marvelous.

Francagoestohollywood · 28/05/2012 15:10

yanbu. I have always left mine in the care of their father and grandparents..of course the first time i parted from them as babies(i remember going out for 2 hrs when our first was 6 weeks) it felt surreal, but I really needed a bit of a break. In those 2 hrs i realized the depth of my love for ds, and enjoyed a chat with other adults!

NameChangeaGoGo · 28/05/2012 15:11

And I BF. So I don't think that's it at all.

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 28/05/2012 15:13

It's not weird to leave your baby with people you trust because you want time alone, nor is it weird to not want time alone and to not leave your child. Different strokes for different folks, as they say.

What I do think is weird is when a new mum says she doesn't want to leave her baby with her inlaws because she doesn't fully trust them - and she's told to go and do it anyway and enjoy the time off. Would any of us enjoy 'time off' when we've left our baby with somebody we don't completely trust?

LAlady · 28/05/2012 15:22

I had a good friend's wedding two weeks after having my second by c-section. It was in London and very formal - evening gowns etc. My MIL looked after both my eldest and baby. It was much easier to leave them than I thought (more difficult funding something to wear! )

GnocchiNineDoors · 28/05/2012 15:42

I find it odd that when people talk about them 'leaving the baby with....' someone that 'someone' is the father of the baby. He's the baby's other parent. And yes, of course, he doesnt have boobs to feed the baby if you BF, he is able to provide everything else that a mother can.

Dad's leave their babues with it's other parent a lot and that is never even thought twice of.

strawberrypenguin · 28/05/2012 15:48

You are right of course Gnocchi I don't feel like I've 'left' DS with DH as you said he's his parent too but for the purposes of explaining that DS wasn't with me and who he was with it was more sussinct. :o

KateSpade · 28/05/2012 15:53

Im so glad you posted this. A couple of weeks after i had my DD my friends drove up, and after a couple of hours playing with the baby, we went out for a meal whilst my parents babysat. Felt great just to catch up properly.

susiedaisy · 28/05/2012 15:59

YANBU I was back to work 2 days a week when my oldest was 11 weeks old, had no choice mat pay had run out, this was nearly 15 years ago so things were a but different, but it was hard!!

4goingon14 · 28/05/2012 16:01

I don't think it is unreasonable at all, just because you are a mother does not mean that you are not still an individual and should have your own time on your own.

However as I write this I am preparing for my first trip (business trip) away from my DD 4yrs. I will be gone for 5 days and DP will be in charge, although I know he is fully capable...I worry about her going to school with her hair unbrushed, mis-matched clothes or eating pizza every night dinner! I also worry about...what if something happens....

I am just being emotional and I need to put my practical head on (hard as it may be).

Pudgy2011 · 28/05/2012 18:04

I'm in the "happy to leave baby" camp too. Happy to leave DS with whoever will have him! (well not quite but I'm pretty laid back)
DH and I left DS with my parents when he was 4 weeks old for the evening to go and live it up at a Halloween party and catch up with friends. He had a bottle of expressed milk, screamed bloody murder during bath time and eventually fell asleep - 8 months on and I don't think it's caused any long term damage. We have left him with various (trustworthy!) friends and family members on a pretty regular basis since he was young and for us it's important that we continue to remember that we're not just mummy and daddy but individuals as well as a married couple.
I left DS with DH back at the end of March when he was 6 months to go on a friend's hen weekend in Miami and had the time of my life. Yes I missed him, but I knew that me being away meant DH could learn a few things too and when I got back they had such a brilliant bond and DH's confidence soared.
DS is only just starting with the separation anxiety but given that he's been in daycare since he was 18 weeks, he has a lovely bond with a few different people and is only really clings if he's feeling a bit poorly.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 28/05/2012 18:23

It's not weird if it felt right to you, just like whatever was said on the other thread was not weird if it felt right to that OP.

swallowedAfly · 28/05/2012 18:31

i was in the midst of the second year of my counselling course when ds was born. it was on thursday evenings and my dad would pick us up from my house just before 7, drop me at college and take ds home to their house. i'd then get a taxi back to theirs by 10pm in time to wake him for his last feed and we'd stay the night.

it was lovely actually. i'd feel all light and giddy at college having time with adults and having my boobs firmly put away and then i'd feel all excited and cooey going back to ds afterwards. i also loved waking up in the morning and my dad bringing me a cup of coffee and there being adults on hand to hold ds and let me have a shower and stuff and they loved getting to spend time with him.

from that i learnt to feel safe leaving him and knew he was ok without me and i think he was about 10weeks old the first time they had him overnight when i went out for my end of course leaving drinks.

i also remember when he'd home only a few days my parents came over and i needed something from the chemist so left him with them and walked down there. it was lovely - i remember the strange floaty feeling of going out on my own into the world - sounds ridiculous but i had a lovely time going and buying whatever it was i needed and getting some fresh air knowing he was safe at home. the midwife turned up whilst i was out though and told me off for being out of the house walking so soon.

NinjaChickenLegs · 28/05/2012 20:08

My DD was 5 weeks old when I went out for the night with her dad. Had expressed plenty of milk so no problems with feeds etc. My DM had her overnight. She's had 4 children of her own after all so very capable.
Although I worried all night my DM loved every minute.

My DD is now 7 and has an incredible bond with her DG.

Nuttyprofessor · 28/05/2012 20:19

I would consider it reasonable if you trust your DM 100%, which is why I never did it.

Kayano · 28/05/2012 20:23

My dd slept out at 6 weeks and my mum babysat at 4 weeks so we could go to the cinema.

Then DH asked if mil could babysit for a few hours to make it fair and so she could enjoy her newborn grandchild and it was fine by me!