to feel I can't cope and that I am drowning slowly

[obsessedbysleep]

Just feeling very overwhelmed today. I have a 6m ds and 3yr dd. I am on maternity leave at the moment though I don't think I will go back to work - it's a v inflexible job that requires travel and I wouldn't manage it.

I feel I just have an existence, rather than a life. It is just an endless cycle of changing nappies and cleaning up puke and housework. I cannot put ds down for more than 5 mins max before he cries. I am constantly dirty with greasy hair as I never get time for a shower let alone drying my hair. I smell either of baby puke or poo even though i wash my hands after doing their nappies (dd not interested in potty still). My clothes are covered in dried food from dd and baby sick. My house is filthy with mountains of dishes, baskets of laundry, floors covered in crumbs, I never get the chance to do any of it. Reading a book or a magazine is a luxury I have forgotten.

DH works long hours in a medical job that requires absolute accuracy and precision. He is brilliant and helps as much as he can but a couple of times he's got up early then been so tired he's made a reasonable serious mistake, he can't lose his job, there are so few in his industry at the moment and then we really would be shafted.

I don't want to go back to work as I hate being away from the dcs though I guess you would find that hard to believe. My work colleagues are all very committed to their jobs,it's the kind of job you're expected to put above everything else. None of them even got in touch to say congrats when DS was born.

I just need someone to tell me I'm not alone in feeling like this. I am still BFing DS which I love doing and don't want to give up though hopefully once he's on solids I will get a bit more of a break.

My family would not be supportive, they are not like that, they would think I just need to get on with it.

I am sitting here in tears, we are supposed to go to the shops as we have little food in but I can't face it. My hair is scraped back in a greasy ponytail and I just can't get up to go out. DD has been watching tv since she got up at 5.30, I am an awful mum.

I am at least a stone overweight and want to lose weight but food is one of my few pleasures at the moment and I'm just not managing, my bar of chocolate in the evening is about the 1 luxury in my life!

I absolutely love my dcs, don't think I don't, please, I am just struggling very badly.

is DD not in nursery at all? You sound overwhelmed and in need of practical support...

The first year with my two was a total write-off.

Make sure you lower your expectations to the minimum. Do you have a friend who can hold DS while you dive into the shower at all? Does DD go to playgroup?

Can you afford a cleaner just to come once and get things under control - easier when things are done to start with?

And fuck the weight - seriously - not high on the priority list at the moment. What is is getting a smidgeon of time to yourself.

Could you do an online shop? It is so much easier than trailing round a supermarket with little ones.

Also, good that your dp helps but it sounds like he needs to give you a bit more time so you can look after you a bit - you know, half an hour to have a shower.

I dont have little kids, but there have been times when I have felt just like you do. So you are definately not alone.

Do you have a good mate who you can talk to, who would come round, watch the kids while you go and get your hair done, (because a shower, hair cut, and putting a bit of make up on usually lifts your mood a great deal), and then ask your mate if she would have the kids for a day, even just the 3yo, while you have a good blitz of the house, a room at a time.

If you can get it under control with a bit of help, you really will feel a lot better, but dont struggle on like this as it will lead to depression as it sounds like you are heading there already, and talk to your husband too, he might be able to take a few days holiday so that he can help as well.

Also I remember the not being able to shower thing and you have to just trap the DC somewhee safe and get on with it....i used to put my baby in her cot and the toddler in the bathroom where I could see her...and then shower while the baby yelled...not ideal but you will feel SO much better if you do that daily.

Have you thought of bringing in some help, an au pair or a cleaner?

If you can afford to do it then definitely do it. With two young children and the fact that you're breastfeeding it must be exhausting. Even if you bring in help temporarily it will ease the load somewhat.

I agree with online shopping and lowering expectations....

The only thing I made myself do when mine were that age was the dishes. it was at that point I bought a dishwasher . Having a clean sink was my one little triumph in a chaotic day. Maybe there is one thing like that which would help? for you it might be to get a shower or put a wash on or read a magazine... just choose one manageable thing.

just had a flashback to locking the children in the bathroom with me while I showered! maybe let DD shower with you if you can get baby off to sleep (plonking in front of washing machine watching it go round would send one of mine off!).

you will get through this and one day wear clothes that don't smell of anything except you!

You're not alone, and not a bad mum! It can be very hard, especially if one of the DC is clingy.

Can you grab a shower or bath while DS sleeps, could DD play with a couple of toys to keep you company in the bathroom, or even share bath and help shampoo your hair (makes for a fun game)?

Would he be happy in a sling so you can carry him round while you do bits and bobs around the house?

I'll second online shopping too.

Long term, could you afford to not go back to work? It took me a while to decide and get my head round it but i'm now very happy to be taking a career break for a couple of years and will see about picking up work again when our two are both at school.

No you are not alone.
Do what TheHOuseonthecorner suggests.
Can you arrange a meet up with local mumsnetters?
Agree about an online shop.
Can you put your eldest in nursery for a few hours just to get some rest?
Go out with the kids-to the park or anywhere. take them out for a walk just to get out of the house.
It can make a difference to how you feel, just sitting on a park bench in the sunshine watching the world go by.

Don't worry about the house, nobody can do everything.
as for going back to work, if you can manage without then don't go back. Absolutely nothiung wrong in being a sahp.

Oh lord, sounds like you could do with a hand! I think most of us have experienced this to some extent.

Do you have a friend who could help out, even just for an hour or two? I also used to take my DS in the bathroom - I'd put him in the bouncer and chat away.

The thing to remember is to focus on one small area or task at a time. I would start with yourself if you can. Set yourself one goal for the rest of the day - just to have that shower. Like manic says, could you do an online shop? I know you'd have to wait till tomorrow for it.

As catrus says, one little thing in a sea of chaos can make a difference.

Sorry you're feeling so down

No advice but a big cyber hug

And you are NOT an awful mum! You're a normal one! x

This may sound facile, but dry shampoo changed my life.

Yy to online shopping.

Is DD at nursery?

As others have said, can you afford to have your toddler in nursery for a couple of afternoons a week (mornings not good if you have to get baby and toddler ready early!) Also, if you can afford it, pay for a spring clean one off team, who will at least get things under control so you have a bit of a chance to keep it that way!
I had twins, so experienced a little of what you are now going through - I think also you need to contact youe HV or GP, as you sound quite low in mood, they can help you with this.

You are not alone - I felt like this for 9 months after dd was born and still have days like it. When things are piling up and you have no time for yourself it is easy to become overwhelmed and feel that you are doing a bad job but I have learnt to stop and put things in perspective. A few hours of tv here and there are not going to do any harm. You are not an awful mum. Look at your children, are they loved, fed, sheltered? From your post it sounds like they are. You are a great mum!

With the housework, try picking just one task a day, maybe get your DD to help if possible. Sometimes just achieving one thing makes you feel better and leads to getting more done in the long run. But DONT beat yourself up if nothing gets done-its not the end of the world. Looking after young children is bloody hard work and a full time job.

Scrape something together for dinner and do an online shop if you cant face the supermarket. And make sure chocolate is on the list - your youngest is only 6 months and you are still bfing, give yourself a break on losing weight.

I sometimes feel these days that we are bombarded with images and stories of supermums who have a perfect house, full time successful career and wonderfully well balanced happy children which leaves us feeling completely inadequate. Im not saying these people dont exist but I think they are in the minority. Everyone struggles at some point, you are really not alone.

Firstly, you are a completely normal mum of two young children.
Secondly, it does get better.

If you can put your DD in nursery for a few hours a week then that would give you a bit more breathing space to cope. Also, as others have said, do the minimum and buy in help (cleaning and/or use an ironing service).

YY what Puff said

You are do not alone in feeling this way, I think all of us have had the same feelings of being completely overwhelmed and lost...

You are NOT a bad mum and it will get better.

In the short term, rub a flannel round your face, scrape your hair back (bright headscarf?) stick on a pair if sunglasses and just get out of the house. If your clothes are crusty and you haven't got anything clean, rub the flannel over the worst stains - no one really notices or cares.

Agree with the suggestions about nursery - if you can start looking into it, you'll get some more time and your dd will get lots from it too.
Can you afford a cleaner?

But you aren't alone, you sound like a great mum and it is really really hard.

I have four kids and the one thing it has taught me is how to prioritise. If the baby is crying but my older kids need something before running out the door before going to school then baby needs to wait. If you need a shower then put the baby in the cot and have a shower. If baby cries then they cry. The same goes for getting the dishes done. If baby cries then he just needs to wait a moment until they are done! It is so much nicer and less stressful being a SAHM in a tidy clean house. Taking five minutes out here and there to get things done is far better than getting down about it and your dcs picking up your not happy.

Try and get in a routine of doing washing every day. Even when i'm ill i'll make sure at least one load a day is done.

Don't worry to much about the potty training. She will get there in her own time. When they are ready for it it can fall into place in less than a week.

oh, i feel for you. i have a 20 month

I understand too, i have a 13 week old, 6 and 4 year old. It's total chaos at times. Lowering expectations is the only way I cope. It will get better, promise :)

You poor thing. It does get better, but in the meantime a few suggestions:

1. is there a babysitter/student who could come in for a few of hours a week to watch the children so you get a break/go to the shops/sleep etc? Some colleges have childcare students who want experience.

1. Homestart offers help for mothers in need of extra support. There may be a branch near you.

3.See if there are any mum and baby groups to join near you.

1. Shopping - make a list now. Big sunglasses, hair tied back, a slick of lipstick and you're good to go. Don't think about it too much or you will keep putting it off.

1. Paddling pool! Assuming you have space, it will keep your DD amused for hours and the baby can have a little splash too. Add hats and suncream and a cold drink and the morning will go in a flash.

1. Take it one day at a time.

oops! i was trying to say i have a 20 month old and a 4 month old and it is overwhelming sometimes. i really feel for you, as i have a lot of help from my partner and still find it hard.

one thing that is helping me is the thought that it's OK to find it difficult and it doesn't necessarily follow that i'm doing a bad job just because i'm struggling.

it will get easier! hang in there and try to be kind to yourself.

HAve you a sling or pack for ds you canput him in while you fold the washing ( forget ironing anything non essential), give dd a cloth and get her to help while you clean. Or for Ds a bouncy thing or activity chair / ring loads on ebay.?
Put the washing on before you go to bed , aim to rinse the plates as soon as they are finsihed with and don't cook anything that needs more than 1 pan.
Yep online shop and whatever yu do don't give up the chocolate yet . my youngest is 3 and I read a whole book for the first time about 6 mths ago since she was born....DOn't think about work yet as now is just not the right time...

if dd is 3 could you not use you 15 hours per week of pre-school - she could do 5 mornings so you get a break and can direct the cleaner from the sofa one morning and take ds out for a walk the other mornings to get your exercise?