to feel I can't cope and that I am drowning slowly

[obsessedbysleep]

Just feeling very overwhelmed today. I have a 6m ds and 3yr dd. I am on maternity leave at the moment though I don't think I will go back to work - it's a v inflexible job that requires travel and I wouldn't manage it.

I feel I just have an existence, rather than a life. It is just an endless cycle of changing nappies and cleaning up puke and housework. I cannot put ds down for more than 5 mins max before he cries. I am constantly dirty with greasy hair as I never get time for a shower let alone drying my hair. I smell either of baby puke or poo even though i wash my hands after doing their nappies (dd not interested in potty still). My clothes are covered in dried food from dd and baby sick. My house is filthy with mountains of dishes, baskets of laundry, floors covered in crumbs, I never get the chance to do any of it. Reading a book or a magazine is a luxury I have forgotten.

DH works long hours in a medical job that requires absolute accuracy and precision. He is brilliant and helps as much as he can but a couple of times he's got up early then been so tired he's made a reasonable serious mistake, he can't lose his job, there are so few in his industry at the moment and then we really would be shafted.

I don't want to go back to work as I hate being away from the dcs though I guess you would find that hard to believe. My work colleagues are all very committed to their jobs,it's the kind of job you're expected to put above everything else. None of them even got in touch to say congrats when DS was born.

I just need someone to tell me I'm not alone in feeling like this. I am still BFing DS which I love doing and don't want to give up though hopefully once he's on solids I will get a bit more of a break.

My family would not be supportive, they are not like that, they would think I just need to get on with it.

I am sitting here in tears, we are supposed to go to the shops as we have little food in but I can't face it. My hair is scraped back in a greasy ponytail and I just can't get up to go out. DD has been watching tv since she got up at 5.30, I am an awful mum.

I am at least a stone overweight and want to lose weight but food is one of my few pleasures at the moment and I'm just not managing, my bar of chocolate in the evening is about the 1 luxury in my life!

I absolutely love my dcs, don't think I don't, please, I am just struggling very badly.

this is actually normal. homestart run parent and toddler groups. most people feel like you - one or two try to be in charge. ignore them.

lashings is deeply wise. if no paddling pool try wash up bowl, bubbles, cups, bottles etc.

just sending you a hug

was in your position with 2 under 2 on the other side of the world a few yrs ago

as lots of others said:

-put baby in safe place (cot) or bouncer seat thing strapped in into the bathroom while you shower. bring older one in with basket of toys.

• take your time

• pasta for tea and lunch until online shop comes? Could DH do shopping on way home?

• one load washing in

• throw dishes in sink, cover with water and spray wipe surfaces

nothing more to do

then go out to garden/park, get yourself a take away coffee? sit on a bench, plonk kids on grass with a ball?

I used to have to take it really simply

small steps

you are doing such a great job that is not an easy one to do

be kind to yourself - your kids love you and need you

am so close to walking into my boss' office and jacking it all in - work FT, two kids at school. I feel overwhelmed too but probs look normal on the outside. Screaming on the in. i have actually cried at work as well in front of colleagues who know me well.

I'm in a different siutation OP but totally get where you're coming from.

have you tried toddler groups in your area, it helps to wear them out too.....if no nursery yet, cheap, chat to other mums, etc etc, I was lucky had a diff one to go to every morning before DD started nursery.

as others say - totally lower expectations and remember it does get better.

They do get older and understand, become empathetic! Helpful even!

My DD went thru very tough period. then almost over night - turned a corner and is a joy, because she understands so much more.

Hang in there, nothing stays the same....there is always always a solution to any problem.....

I used to go to my local council pay as you go gym for a break and put the kids in the creche. Occasionally I was even known to just book them in the creche and then sit in the car park for an hour reading a magazine just to get a break.

I didn't particularly like the gym but it helped with the weight, helped me feel good about myself and most importantly gave me a break.

Sure start drop in centres have free stay and play sessions where you can chat to other mums. It does help when you realise others feel the same as you even when they appear to be coping on the outside.

I had to get out and go somewhere every day when mine were little. It would have driven me bonkers to stay in even for one day. It is hard when they are little but it does get much easier as they get older.

Make a list of the most important things that you need to do. Cross out when you have done things (even if it is immediately messed up again by the kids). Seeing things crossed out keeps you going. Agree having a shower is a priority.

Don't be hard on yourself. You don't have to be a perfect mum all the time. A good enough mum is fine.
The kids need to learn that they need to wait and entertain themselves sometimes. In fact as they get older you are not doing them any favours by being there for them all the time.

Give it time and accept what you are feeling is perfectly normal.

Also everything seems so much worse when you are tired. What would normally seem like little things grow to huge proportions when you haven't had enough sleep.

If you have a car drive aimlessly for a while until they both fall asleep. Mine would then transfer to the sofa with no problems. That regularly bought me extra me/sleep time.

It's really hard. Don't beat yourself up. It sounds to me that you are having a hard time and also beating yourself up about not loving it. So see yourself as a hero like a soldier or a coal miner or something and see if you can get some grim satisfaction from hanging on, rather than feeling terrible about what you can't do and what you aren't enjoying.

Online shop - yes yes and yes

Meal plan (that old mn chestnut) and put the plan out where you can see it, so you don't even have to think. nothing wrong with pasta pesto btw

Does the 3 year old nap? If so, and if you can't get the 6 mo to sleep at the same time, go to bed anyway, with the 6 mo. You might persuade him / her to nap with you, or you might just have a bit of a semi-horizontal rest while you look at books or something - better than nothing.

Issue an emergency distress call to DH. Even though he doesn't have much time, he needs to give you 2 separate chunks of daylight time this weekend (or whenever, maybe he works weekends): one for you to do household strategy stuff and the other to recharge.

Household strategy stuff: meal plan and set up online shopping so it will run itself with minimal input from then on. Blitz kitchen, attack laundry, if it is out of control get DH to take it to the laundrette so he can do a huge load, and tell him to take the kids with him. Pin up menus and meal plans, get straight in your head and in your environment.

Recharge: get DH to take both kids out. You can sleep or bathe or watch Buffy or whatever. When I had two under 3 I used to groan when I read on here people advising each other to leave their DPs in charge and go out and "have fun". I wanted them to bugger off so I could go to bed, eat a sandwich really slowly with a pot of tea on the coffee table that no one was in danger of pouring all over themselves, etc. If you are anything like me, you aren't ready to go out to brunch with Carrie, Miranda and the other two whose names I don't know; you need to feel human before you can have fun.

Don't beat yourself up or have high standards. Do what you have to do to get through each day and make that your focus for now. It will get better.

Could you afford a mother's help, or even a cleaner?

Could you investigate nurseries and funding entitlement for your DD, now she is three? Then once you've got that in place, could you try to get your baby into a routine of napping in the afternoon? If you do manage this, take that time for you, not housework! As for the shower, can you leave the baby in the cot and your DD watching telly or playing in her room? 10-15 minutes alone won't hurt them, and you will feel much more 'on top of things'.

Could your DH take them out or look after them at home at weekends, so you can have some time to yourself? Even one afternoon of one weekend a month is better than nothing.

Good luck and I hope things start to improve soon.

Don't have much new stuff to add OP as everyone's given brilliant advice but just wanted to send you hugs.

Dry shampoo has been an absolute saviour since I had DD - spray, leave, brush out = fab (but if you use it too many days in a row, you can end up looking a bit like a Dr Seuss character . . .)

Dark chocolate is v g- full of antioxidants, gives you a boost and, seriously, bollox to the weight. I haven't been one of these 'breast feed yourself thin' mummies eating cake virtually every say since DD was born prob hasn't helped but I'm just resigned to the fact that there's a bit more of me to love right now & I just need some nice controllery pants!

Yes to Sure start & home start- brilliant activities and support. Some parks also have 'one o'clock clubs' with outdoor play sessions etc .

Def arrange cleaner to do one off if you can- this will cut you some slack. Also, if your DH wears shirts to work then once in a while weekly you could have them washed & pressed.

Yes to everything else people have suggested.

Completely agree with PP re pressure to feel that we must do/have/be it all else we're not a good mother. I think you'll find that many, many women go through periods of feeling overwhelmed like you are feeling but the thing is that people don't tend to talk about it. It's as if by the very admission of feeling like you're not coping then that will mean somehow you've failed.

Celebrate the little achievements each day. I spent the first few months where I'd be almost in a state of ecstasy if I managed to get my DD & I fed, washed dressed and out and about. Anything in addition to that was a bonus.

Do try to talk to someone (including DH) about how you are feeling though, even if it simply gives you reassurance that how you feel is normal, because it is normal. The fact that you started this thread on here makes you a good parent because you obviously care. Try to put yourself first a little bit.

Remember that this, too, shall pass!

Lots more sympathy and a hug.

As others have mentioned, what about local toddler groups? It may just seem like another exhausting thing to do, but from what I've seen (I only have one DC ATM), it gives you an opportunity to sit and BF the baby whilst the toddler runs around and someone brings you a cup of tea. Plus adult company and probably some other Mums who are feeling exactly like you.

You can often find lists online - maybe one or two a week? - it might give your week some structure and help you to feel less alone. I couldn't have coped with even one DC without people to moan at share experiences with.

I'm sorry you're feeling like this, I have days like this & I've only got 1 toddler at the moment.

I try to set myself realistic small goals, one day at a time, rather than looking at the whole thing, I find if I look at the whole mess I end up thinking 'where do I start, it's too much, I can't do it etc'. Sometimes my goal is simply to load the dishwasher...it's not much but at least makes me feel I'm not totally useless.

If you're around Brighton way you are more than welcome to pop round for a cuppa & see the chaos I live in!

What brilliant advice everyone has given. Just wanted to add that I have a door bouncer and jumperoo for my 7mo and it's fabulous. Buys me 20 minutes time - especially brilliant if he's bouncing in the room I'm in while hanging out washing etc.

I hear you on the greasy hair thing - can you shower and wash your hair at night while your dh is home? Obviously not ideal but I know how good it feels to have clean hair...

It sounds like you are a lovely Mum doing your best. One day at a time!

I so feel for you, I have been there recently with my youngest two).

Tons of good advice here, but especially the part about leaving the baby to cry for 5 mins whilst you have a shower. I have 3 dcs and as journey says sometimes it's just not possible to attend to all of their needs at once. Your ds will be fine for the length of a very quick shower.

Another option in terms of help might be to consider a mothers help for the late afternoon/early evening which I always find the hardest (cooking, bathing, tidying, dealing with tired kids).

Good luck and a big hug. It does get easier.

It is hell, but at the same time I think you need to be a little bit more selfish and stop blaming yourself.

There is no need to the 6mo to be strapped to you 24/7. Have you got a bouncer seat? Strap the baby in, put on the bathroom floor and go and take a shower. There isn't really an excuse not to.

Older kid should go to the nursery at least for a few hours a week.

Nothing wrong with some tv time for her.

Wear baby in a sling/put him in a bouncer seat/playpen while you clean the house, one task at the time.

You will feel much better when you'll get the house under control (more or less, I'm not talking about sparkling clean, but piles of clothes and dirty dishes and filthy floor would depress anyone), and it is doable.

It's nice outside now, so simple visits to a park would be lovely for the kids and fresh air would do you good.

There's no need to make a martyr out of yourself in a misguided attept to conform to some perfect mother ideal. Baby will be fine for short periods of time in a cot/seat/playpen.

Btw I was BF, cosleeping, sling wearing my two, so I'm not recommending some sort of outdated, cold way of raising your children, but seriously, you need to put your needs first sometimes. Better for them as well.

Oh, and you sound like you're isolated and haven't much support/many friends around. Is that true? Because that's very important. So get yourself out there. try to meet other mums at the park, meet for coffee to have a little moan about hardships of parenthood.

If you can get a babysitter here and there so you could go and do something for yourself: haircut/meet a friend/go to a museum/whatever would lift your spirits that do that, and don't feel guilty.

And yy to dry shampoo, it is a genius product.

Another affirmation that you are not alone.

Remember that looking after children is a full time job BEFORE the housework. Ignore your family's attitude. Nice in theory but i think people forget the grim bits of bringing up small children.

If you can afford help then get it. Eg ironing service (tho personally i don't iron anything). Nursery a few mornings a week?

Finally put that baby down and let him cry while you shower. Wish someone had told me to do that. I used to showerFAST whilst his cot mobile played. Once when i had flu i dragged the high chair up to the bathroom . He still cried but i could see him and vice versa. You are not a bad mum to allow him to cry for a short time.

Lots of brilliant advice here, and I hope you realise now that you are not alone, motherhood is exceptionally difficult in the early days.

If you continue to feel overwhelmed / helpless / unable to manage showering etc then it is possible that you have post natal depression.

This is nothing to be scared or ashamed of, it too is extremely common. I had it myself after my 3rd child. So do go to your GP to discuss your feelings, I didn't take anti depressants but DID do a course of cognitive behavioural therapy which was very useful and I am through the other side now.

My advice would be to do the 3 following things as a priority -

Have a shower, it will be very positive for your state of mind to be clean. Just put your baby in a rocking chair in the bathroom, or wherever feels safe to you. Leave your dd in front of the telly. Have shower.

Get out of the house EVERY DAY. No matter how dreadful you are feeling, pop kids in a buggy and go for a walk. Exercise, and connecting with the outside world is so helpful to counteract the isolation of motherhood.

Arrange some fixed time every week where you are on your own to go for a coffee, or whatever it is you would like to do. Babysitters / creches in gyms / childminders / nurseries etc.

Big hug, it is tough, but it does pass. keep talking to us xxx

Some of the things you said I really Identified with. I've just finished work till september when i go back to uni, apart from part time weekends, and some days, the day just goes on forever. I've only got an 8 month old to entertain, but sometimes i just feel like im going to explode.

I recomend a walker for your 6mo. my DD loves it, and when gives me a five minuite break from her constantly being in my arm.

When im showering/putting make-up on i put her in her cot with plenty of toys, she enjoys in for the five minuites, and i try to time is so is near the time she has her morning nap at half nine, so sometimes ill come out of the shower and shes asleep.

I think you need a break, does you DP work weekends, could he have them for a day and you get out walking/shopping/spa on your own, just enjoying the peace?

are you ok today OP?

Thank you so much all of you for your very kind and helpful replies. I got a better night's sleep last night, and feel a lot better. Some great suggestions here which I am going to try.
DD goes to nursery today so everything is a bit calmer, though i miss her. DS is finally asleep in his pram so I am sitting here guzzling a can of full fat coke and a big bowl of pasta, it feels like luxury! I have even managed to wash my hair and have a shower - I just put ds in his bouncy chair. So feeling a bit more human. Thank you all for taking the time to reply, it means a lot to know that I am not the only one who has felt like this.xx

I prefer the analogy that "I am running behind them all trying to catch balls they are all chucking/juggling at me and dropping half" can see if so clearly in my head. you are not alone :-)

Aw, sooo glad to read you're having a much better day. Enjoy your treat! :)

Good on you OP. Yay to the pasta & coke, a renowned hangover cure, but very necessary carb fuel for mothers of 2 under 3! Good luck with the rest of your week