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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

By caring for and playing with my daughter when she is awake and doing jobs when she is asleep?

59 replies

Louiseyc · 27/05/2012 22:59

I'm fuming because my husband has just gone up the wall at me because there are a few piles of clothes not put away, and he thinks I'm being lazy, when in fact when my 1 year old is having her sleeps I'm running round making lovely meals ready for him when he gets home and various jobs. Once she's awake it's pretty hard to get much done because she's everywhere and needing attention. I'm dreading maternity leave next time round as I know his expectations and I may not be able to return to work due to finances and I dread not having that little bit of independence. Things seem to become so unequal when you're a mum working part time or a stay at home mum. Anyone have any tips on how to make my husband realise it's really hard work raising a child, and him not appreciating anything i do, and not listening to me all the time is grinding me down?

OP posts:

Olympia2012 · 27/05/2012 23:01

To be fair a one year old doesn't sleep much in the day really, so how much are you getting done?

Kayano · 27/05/2012 23:01

My husband said something to me once and never again would he dare. Don't cook for him and just do your and dd things if he isn't going to appreciate you.

Take yourself to the spa on a Saturday or even just a walk and leave him with dd and a list of jobs you expect done

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/05/2012 23:02

I don't know how to convert a stupid DH who doesn't know that childcare is work. My DH did lots when I was on mat leave because he is great. It is also because I refuse to become someone's servant just because I had a child. Did he do half the housework before children?

Kayano · 27/05/2012 23:02

Olympia 1 year olds get everywhere! Toddling, tripping, trying to eat anything! I'm not suprised!

Sinkingfeeling · 27/05/2012 23:02

My suggestion is to go off for the day leaving your dh in charge of your son, and leave a list of 'jobs' which must be done by the time you get back. Leave as early as you can and get back as late as you can, and turn off your mobile phone.

FayeGovan · 27/05/2012 23:02

have so many ways you could let your husband know, but none of them are legal...

he sounds like an arse, pure and simple

how much childcare does he do? (although I already know the answer.)

McHappyPants2012 · 27/05/2012 23:02

If my husband complains I get the Hoover out the polish ect and say well honey here is the stuff DIY

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 27/05/2012 23:03

My tip to let him see how time consuming looking after a one year old is to make him try it and see.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/05/2012 23:03

Things only become unequal if your husband is an idiot. I'm a SAHM and I've never experienced what you describe.

Why did you let him speak to you like that? What did you say back to him?

Surely you must have had some kind of discussion about how things were going to be before you had kids? And if finances are tight then don't have another baby too quickly?

Oh and stop cooking him lovely meals if he is an ungrateful twat.

FloraPost · 27/05/2012 23:04

Has he ever had your DC on his own for any length of time?

SingingSands · 27/05/2012 23:06

After several arguments with my DH in the same vein, I pointed out that I was on maternity leave to LOOK AFTER OUR CHILDREN. Not, as he thought, to be an unpaid skivvy, cook and cleaner.

So if dinner didn't get made because I was at the park with our son, then tough, he has hands, he can make it. Ditto for laundry, ironing and cleaning. We managed fine between us before our children came along, so why does it all fall to me nowadays?

I reminded DH that other people have a paid career, looking after kids all day. I was doing us a favour by doing it for free!

IcantSleep · 27/05/2012 23:07

Yes, go out for a whole day and let your husband look after your child. See how much he 'gets done' whilst looking after her!
I do exactly the same as you, although at 2.5 my DD is starting to drop her daytime naps now, so who knows when I will get time to do the housework.

bakingaddict · 27/05/2012 23:07

Go away for a long pampering weekend leaving him to manage the house and your DC and see how much he manages to do on a day-day basis

Otherwise draw up a rota, make sure he does his fair share of chores...make sure he knows this is non-negoitable. Unless you stand up for yourself then his attitude will continue. If he kicks up a fuss tell him to put the clothes away the worst thing you can do is to let him constantly berate you about housework

NapaCab · 27/05/2012 23:08

Why doesn't he just put the things away himself? Taking care of a 1 year old is a full-time job and if you're cooking all the meals as well and all general cleaning, I can't imagine you have a lot of free time to keep track of every minor task.

As others say, leave him in charge of your daughter for a day while you go off and do something for yourself to see how he copes. (Although by the sound of him, you may end up coming home to him playing a computer game or watching TV while your daughter is strapped into a chair in front of some cartoons or sitting in her playpen or something)

takingiteasy · 27/05/2012 23:09

Now I'm not in one of these perfect relationships where childcare/working out of the home/chores etc are shared out equally. The majority of the household stuff falls to me other than cooking. At the moment I'm at home but even when working its mainly me.

As it happens I'm not that good at keeping a perfect house. I get annoyed from time to time. However if, when opting not to help, he dared to pass comment on my short comings... Well I don't know what I'd do but I'd be fucking fuming and he won't do it again.

whoknowsnotme · 27/05/2012 23:11

just tell him you are a sahm, not a house keeper! If he wants you to clean house, look after dd, cook dinners, iron, wash, dry,hangout clothes,put clothes away ect than he needs to be paying for these extras, or lowering his ridiculous expectations. Care for your dd, obviously do what you can in regards to housework, try not to have it a shit tip when he gets home! I do the same, but luckily dh is not an arse!

debka · 27/05/2012 23:11

Am I the only one who does the housework when the kids are up and sit on my arse MNing when they have a nap?

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 27/05/2012 23:16

There's only two ways he will find out how hard it is.

Firstly, leave him to it. Like others suggest, let him look after the baby for the day.

Secondly, tell him. After my dh said something similar to me, I told him that from the moment our child was born, ds1 was my first priority. His health and happiness will come before my dh's needs, every second of every day.

Dh obviously didn't like that response, but hard cheese. Pg with dc3 at the moment. Have to say most of the time dh is quite good and I enjoy juggling everything. But he still comes out with stupid comments at times. But it goes in one ear and out the other. I love him dearly but sometimes he's a tit.

bessie26 · 27/05/2012 23:16

As my lovely DH reminded me once, you are on MATERNITY leave, not CLEANING-THE-HOUSE leave.

Xmasbaby11 · 27/05/2012 23:17

Sorry your DH is not very understanding to say the least. You need to discuss with DH just how much free time for chores you have in the day, and agree priorities for using it. EG is he happy for some scrappy meals if it means the washing is done?

You can also talk to DH about the things you can/can't do with DD around. To give him the benefit of the doubt, he probably simply does not realise that it is really hard to get things done. I say this because I don't really know what it's like (yet) either - DD is 4 months and I can get most things done apart from around 5pm when she becomes grizzly and demanding!

skybluepearl · 27/05/2012 23:20

you need to go on a girlie weekend and leave him to do all the chores and childcare

goingmadinthecountry · 27/05/2012 23:20

Don't think my dh would dare say that to me. I'd be out of there for a week on no notice, and we have 4 kids. Admittedly older now. Words beginning with f come to mind...

BackforGood · 27/05/2012 23:23

I don't think your dh is unusual in not understanding how much there is to "do" with a little one at home all day. Before having dc myself, I though the same - they'd kind of sleep quite a lot and just lie there for a lot more time and I could be doing all sorts of things whilst I was home with the baby . The only way to really understand it, is to do it, I think, so you need to book yourself a week away somewhere (OK, start with a weekend if that will be too much for you) and leave him to it, then, when you come back, ask why he hasn't vacuumed, or whatever.

BertieBotts · 27/05/2012 23:31

Okay, just from what you've posted here, I don't think your relationship sounds healthy. (Shoot me down here, but)

It is not a normal reaction for someone to "go up the wall" because there have been a few jobs uncompleted at the end of the day. (Am also guessing "up the wall" = pretty serious reaction, not just had a little moan or made an offhand comment or something)

How dare he call you lazy

I am sad to hear you are dreading maternity leave, and I'm really worried to hear you may experience a loss of independence. Most women's partners recognise that maternity leave is about recovering from birth and caring for a small baby, they don't add massive amounts of stress and expectations to that load.

If things seem unequal in your relationship, it probably means that they are - this is nothing to do with work hours, and everything to do with having a control freak for a partner, or someone who respects you and treats you as an equal.

If your husband doesn't appreciate you or listen to you then he is never going to understand your point of view whatever you try. Sorry :(

Come on, this thread isn't really about whether it's unreasonable to do housework when your child is asleep, because, you know, it's really not worth arguing about or getting angry about. Everyone has their own way which works for them. This is about whether the OP's husband was unreasonable to get angry, which yes, he was, in a big way.

McHappyPants2012 · 27/05/2012 23:37

I do housework in the evening when dd and ds can't make more mess, to me it's like shovelling snow when it is still snowing. So when they are in the bath I do the bedroom ( I can hear them at all times) go in wash them ect and do bedtime routine then the bathroom then downstairs.

If dh is home we do it together, if he moans he does it on his own

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