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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

By caring for and playing with my daughter when she is awake and doing jobs when she is asleep?

59 replies

Louiseyc · 27/05/2012 22:59

I'm fuming because my husband has just gone up the wall at me because there are a few piles of clothes not put away, and he thinks I'm being lazy, when in fact when my 1 year old is having her sleeps I'm running round making lovely meals ready for him when he gets home and various jobs. Once she's awake it's pretty hard to get much done because she's everywhere and needing attention. I'm dreading maternity leave next time round as I know his expectations and I may not be able to return to work due to finances and I dread not having that little bit of independence. Things seem to become so unequal when you're a mum working part time or a stay at home mum. Anyone have any tips on how to make my husband realise it's really hard work raising a child, and him not appreciating anything i do, and not listening to me all the time is grinding me down?

OP posts:
Meglet · 27/05/2012 23:43

yanbu. What everyone else said.

Bubbaluv · 28/05/2012 00:36

Reminds me of this joke...

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room, the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He ran up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled up in the bed, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply, half shouting.

The smile remained, "Well, today I didn't do it."

entropygirl · 28/05/2012 02:37

hmmm I am always interested in these threads as a working mum with a SAHP....

The problem with your joke there is that kinda is what I come home from work to...

breakfast all over the floor, lunch on top of it. Clothes and nappies all over living room and toys everywhere. Sink full of washing up which I have to do before I can cook dinner.

So, AIBU to wonder if my SAHP is in fact doing anything? If he had an 'I did nothing' day would I notice?

CurrySpice · 28/05/2012 03:14

backforgood that is so true. I thought the same before I had a baby!

One particularly irritating know-it-all teenager I know was pontificating telling me the other day that by the time she was 22 she would have an established career that meant she could work from home, she would have a baby but not take any maternity leave because the baby would sleep in its Moses basket next to her desk.

I just laughed and shook my head in what I imagine she thought was a middle aged know-it-all fashion! Grin

beansmum · 28/05/2012 03:22

YANBU

Seriously, why are you even considering having another child in this relationship?

That said, am I the only one who thinks it is entirely possible to look after a small child and get everything done around the house? I'm not saying your dh should expect you to do it, just that it is do-able. It's not even that hard really, unless you have a particularly difficult child.

yummybunny · 28/05/2012 03:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkyredrose · 28/05/2012 03:33

an Asian husband?

yummybunny · 28/05/2012 03:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SilentBoob · 28/05/2012 03:56

Well this thread is depressing.

A woman writes my husband has just gone up the wall at me because there are a few piles of clothes not put away

And the first comment on the thread sides with the husband? And WTF to people recommending a spa day?

As a few faith-restoring posters have pointed out she is on MATERNITY leave, not skivvy leave. And even if she had taken a career break purely to get on top of the washing, he would STILL be a boiled arse for "going up the wall" over a couple of piles of clothes.

SilentBoob · 28/05/2012 03:56

And now with the racial stereotypes.

Have stumbled into the wrong Mumsnet?

MrsBranestawm · 28/05/2012 04:00

OP,

Several different approaches for you....

  1. If you want to stay in the current relationship and keep it all running happily then take note of what actually matters to your DH. Is it clean clothes put away, or a lovely meal? Do the thing that he values. Ignore the stuff he doesn't. (This is the least feminist option btw, obviously.)
  1. Go away for a day or a weekend and leave him in charge. When you return, be as exacting with him as he is with you.
  1. Don't consider getting pregnant again ie "maternity leave next time round" until you have sorted out the current situation.
  1. Have a very clear, unemotional and forthright conversation about all of this with him.

Finally, pat yourself on the back for being a wonderful mother. Thanks

SilentBoob · 28/05/2012 04:04

Oh for fuck's sake. A lovely meal?

And will the OP's husband be having a think about what's important to her and deciding that maybe after a long day looking after a one year old what she really enjoys is her husband not going up the wall at her because of a pile of fucking washing that he could have put in the cupboard himself if it was that important to him?

SilentBoob · 28/05/2012 04:05

And sorry to be pedantic about terms, but technically it's not the "least feiminist option", it's the "depressingly fuckwitted option". Hth.

MrsBranestawm · 28/05/2012 04:06

Don't ffs me, lovelyboob! Read the rest of my post.

MrsBranestawm · 28/05/2012 04:09

Ahem, lovelyboob, the OP does not give the impression that she has even begun to realise how bloody unreasonable her DH is. She might take time to get there.

Calm down.

Morloth · 28/05/2012 05:53

Tell him to pull his fucking head in?

OhdearNigelosaurus · 28/05/2012 06:18

3 simple words suffice for me. Go. Fuck. Yourself.

ViolaCrayola · 28/05/2012 07:25

DH and I swopped roles fairly recently - so that I was was working FT, and he became a SAHD.

I think we both have a good understanding now of what can actually be done whilst at home with a baby/toddler, whilst preserving one's sanity. When SAHPs we both tend to fit jobs (washing clothes, dishes, tidying, shopping) in here and there, get DS to 'help' (he's a bit older at 2.5), and take at least some of nap time (2 hours in the afternoon) as time to have a rest/some time to ourselves! Big cleaning takes place on the weekend when we are both around or not at all

We both do lots with DS - park, groups etc - so not much time for housework...

Anyway, in summary, YANBU at all, see if you and DH can swop for a day - see how much he gets done! Read him some of the posts on here if you think that would help.

ViolaCrayola · 28/05/2012 07:28

Oh, and meant to say it is totally not on for your husband to call you lazy and go up the wall about dishes etc - take OhdearNigelsauraus's advice if he doesn't see sense pronto.

usualsuspect · 28/05/2012 07:34

Tell him to fuck off?

Where do MNetters find these men?

Jinsei · 28/05/2012 07:40

Most of these Pakistanis/Indian rich spoilt men who expect their wives to take care if their home no matter how 'modern' they are!!

Erm, generalisation much? Hmm

My "Asian husband" is perfectly capable of cooking and cleaning, thank you, and I very much doubt that he is the only one. Yes, there are Asian men like this, but there are probably men like this from most cultures. The generalisations help nobody.

exoticfruits · 28/05/2012 07:40

Apart from handing him the pile to put away I would go away for the 'girlie' weekend as suggested and leave him to it.

Megatron · 28/05/2012 07:45

Tell him you are on maternity leave to look after your child, not run about after him. Then tell him to fuck off (seriously, tell him).

As for the 'Asian husband' comments. Words fail me on that one. Hmm

ChopstheScarletduck · 28/05/2012 07:53

Shock at the asian husband comment!

I have one, he certainly is capable of doing the housework, and he did it whilst he was still living with his family too.

Though, tbh I really do wonder why you are finding it so difficult with one child. He def shouldn't be going up the wall because something isn't done, but I also do think that if he is at work and you are at home, it isn't unequal for you to be doing the housework. My dh is out to go to work for 12 hours a day. I'm at home. I don't think it would be fair to expect him to come home and do half of the housework too!

gamerwidow · 28/05/2012 08:11

OP tell him to put the clothes away himself, as others have said you are at home to look after your child not to be a skivvy. My DH and me split our chores 50/50 through my maternity leave just like we did pre-pregnancy and now I work part-time we still do the same.
All children are different some are a doddle to look after and some are very hard work and childcare is a job in itself. That being said you shouldn't have to spend every second of DDs time keeping her occupied and it would be good for her to learn to entertain herself for your sanity.

I do my chores when DD is awake and get her to "help" i.e. she has a toy broom for sweeping and uses a wet wipe for dusting and we load and unload the dishwasher/washing machine together. When she is napping is my me time and I use it to have a cup of coffee and a sit down in peace. You should take some time for yourself too.