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AIBU?

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Original poster

to think having children is not like it is on the telly..

84 replies

RedHotPokers · 26/05/2012 19:34

Spent ages yesterday blowing up paddling pool, filling up to brim, adding water toys, ready to watch my DCs splashing around for hours having fun and jolly japes, just like on the telly Grin.

What actually happened was DD had a tantrum after 30 minutes because it occurred to her that she may be using up her telly time by playing outside Shock and DS got cold after a nanosecond and wanted to come in Sad.

Took the DCs for icecream and to the park today, smugly awaiting their little joyful faces at the sight of the HUGE bowls of ice cream, and the prospect of fun in the sun.

In reality, they whinged the whole way to the park becuase their legs were apparently hurting, DS didn't like the shorts he was wearing, and DD had a huge tantrum because apparently DS's ice cream looked better than hers Hmm.

And I could bore you with many more examples, of fun things that should result in happy DCs, but actually ended up in grumpiness, whinging, stropiness and tears and not just from the DCs. Factor a cross DH into this, who apparently is 'fed up with how ungrateful the DCs are', and felt obliged to tell me this at regular intervals throughout the day, as though it was somehow my fault.

Is it just me/our family this happens to and is everyone else having a happy TV family type existance? Just once I would like to have the happy day I imagined

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 26/05/2012 23:00

I was only laughing with my BF this morning about how we were out all day and only came in for tea.......in the mid 80's. My mum used to give me a rough time to be home.
If i did that ds2 would be run over within the hour and DS would get to the bottom of the road before he would come home in a huff.........

Original poster
RedHotPokers · 26/05/2012 23:02

Tomorrow we are doing nothing. They can make their own fun. No doubt they will complain that we 'never do anything nice'.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedHotPokers · 26/05/2012 23:06

Cailin - I don't think its unreasonable to be a bit peeved when your 5yo, who has been begging all week to get the paddling pool out (everyone else has got theirs out, oh whhhhyyyyyyyy can't we get the pool out, I lurrrrvvvve the pool, pleeeeeeease can we play in the pool), spends 20 or 30 minutes in it, and then cries because she would've preferred to watch Scooby Doo Hmm.

OP posts:
happybubblebrain · 26/05/2012 23:09

Today I cycled around various places trying to buy a replacement paddling pool, everywhere had sold out of the right size.

So we went home empty handed (strop 1) and had to pump up last year's paddling pool, which had a slow puncture last year and now has a more rapid puncture. It's huge so it took 40 mins to pump up (exhausting after a 2 hour bike ride).

So we filled it up with water which took another hour. Yeah.

Friend didn't arrive to play (strop 2).

Played until looking like a prune, so I asked dd to get out (strop 3).

Friend arrived to play, but wanted to sit in the boat all the time (strop 4).

Fights over who sat where (strop 5)

Towels dumped in the pool by dd. Big telling off (strop 6).

Had to keep on pumping up the pool (strops from me)

Pool is busy deflating itself in the garden and in the bin tomorrow.

The next hot day will be spent doing the same no doubt.

Bring back the rain.

CailinDana · 26/05/2012 23:09

She's 5! Of course it's bloody annoying but at that age she will just get an idea in her head and get obsessed with it then lose interest straight away. That's what being 5 is like. It happens to adults too, only they pretend to be liking things, even if they aren't. 5 year olds haven't learned to bullshit for the sake of others yet.

Original poster
RedHotPokers · 26/05/2012 23:12

Yes Cailin, I realise that it is normal 5yo behaviour. However, I don't know where it says that normal 5yo behaviour can't piss you off!!!

OP posts:
CailinDana · 26/05/2012 23:15

Of course you can be pissed off. But expecting something different is going to piss you off more.

morethanpotatoprints · 26/05/2012 23:15

CailinDana. Well I for one would like to say I like your philosophy. I don't think I expect too much gratitude but I bet if you asked my dc's they'd say so. I would be interested to know your background in terms of your belief if thats not too intrusive. You really have given me food for thought, and I'm not too proud to say so.

notactuallyme · 26/05/2012 23:17

caiilin by input I mean a willingness to try to enjoy something, and a lack of just randomly kickking each other in the back of the car, stressing me out while driving. Etc.

notactuallyme · 26/05/2012 23:18

Or even, a suggestion of what they want to do. Instead of lolling around watching tv saying 'I'm bored'

CailinDana · 26/05/2012 23:24

Morethan - I just feel at times that parents in particular can fail to see that children are people in their own right. They can stray into seeing children as an extension of themselves and impose unrealistic expectations on them. Does that answer your question? Or were you asking something different, I wasn't entirely clear.

Notactually - have you asked them what they want to do?

morethanpotatoprints · 26/05/2012 23:33

Notactually. I understand where you are coming from but by not letting them frustrate you their behaviour won't bother you. I learned this from my older 2 but have only put it into action with my youngest dd. I just learned not to expect anything and look at the positives in their behaviour. Also health wise it made me realise how my reaction to their behaviour was making me ill. Of course dd isn't perfect but from the start things I knew would frustrate me I tended to sort out before they became too big. I'm bored was always frowned upon by my parents and I hate it too, my dc's have never said it because I taught them there is no such thing. If a behaviour bothers you its up to you to deal with it as you are the adult.

Firawla · 26/05/2012 23:33

OP I sympathise, and I don't see why it is considered soo bad to expect and teach children to be grateful. It may be partly down to age, but when you make effort for them and they moan and whine about small things or keep asking for more rather than showing any thanks, it does get annoying and makes you feel as though you are raising them up as a spoilt brat

I've had this with my 3 yr old today, we went to school fare so he went on all the rides, bouncy castle etc, got ice cream, drinks, prizes etc etc! After that we took them to park paddling pool - all fine there, but then he wants to go on the park bouncy castle too, I said no as we did already pay for all the other bouncy castles and rides but rather than just accept it, i get so much moaning whining "oh im sad now, you made me sad" etc etc! And we went to pizza hut in the evening and he moaned about some things in there too. But when i asked him after, he said he enjoyed everything in the whole day but if they have enjoyed it then whyyyyyyyyyyyy do they have to moan and whine about small things rather than focusing on the good side of things?

Maybe its a 3, 4 yr old kinda thing cos my 2 yr old doesnt do this at all

CailinDana · 26/05/2012 23:40

Firawla, do you seriously expect a 3 year old to be philosophical and say "Oh well I'm sad about the bouncy castle but I've had a good day anyway"? Really? At that age a child has no sense of perspective whatsoever. All he could see was that he wanted something and didn't get it which to a 3 year old is a big thing. In that situation I would have just said "I know you're sad, it's sad you didn't get to do what you wanted. Ok let's go and do XY and Z." Sometimes children of that age go on and on about being "sad" "cold" "bored" etc because understanding those concepts is really new to them and they're trying them out, talking about them and exploring them. Next time he's talking about being sad, why not ask him about it. Say something like "And what does sad feel like" and "What kinds of things make you sad."

It baffles me when adults expect children to be mini adults. They're not. They just don't have the skills to understand how others feel or to have perspective on things. They will learn that over time but really a lot of children don't display true gratitude or perspective till they're out of their teens. There's no way a 3 year old is capable of it.

morethanpotatoprints · 26/05/2012 23:40

Cailin. I just meant that you made such good sense but your view seemed a bit different to the norm, which I like. I thought you may have studied the subject as it sounds grounded. Anyway I think you are right and I think if we aren't careful it is easy to fall into the trap of imposing unrealistic expectations on our children.

CailinDana · 26/05/2012 23:41

Heck I know plenty of middle aged adults who have no gratitude or perspective.

CailinDana · 26/05/2012 23:42

Ah I see morethan. I used to be a developmental psychologist and then a primary teacher so I suppose you could say children are my specialist subject!

Firawla · 26/05/2012 23:47

Yes I know it's hard for them to think of the full picture at the time cos they are focused on what they want, but at the same time as being understanding about it is it really that wrong to want to teach them that sometimes they ask and the answer is no, and that we dont expect them to make such a big deal about it??

I don't think I was that harsh on him, just reminded him he's already had bouncy castle in the morning so choose something else to play on like swings, slide or any of the park equipment

But might ask him those questions next time & see what he says.

fullofregrets · 26/05/2012 23:51

My DS (2.11) definitely expresses gratitude when something makes him genuinely happy. This morning he wanted to ask our next door neighbour's DS to come over and play. When I agreed he kept hugging himself in glee and saying 'I'm such a lucky little boy' then he'd come to me and hug me and say 'thank you mommy I so happy.'

But I agree that they are too young to understand why they should be appreciative of things. Even if it is irritating! Especially when they're asked for it in the first place...

CailinDana · 26/05/2012 23:52

One of the best things about 3 year olds is that they will express themselves, fully and "make a big deal" about things. That's what makes a 3 year old get so completely excited about something, or dance with no embarrassment, but unfortunately it's also the thing that makes them express their displeasure very loudly and without reservation. It's only as they get older that they learn to hide their feelings and pretend they're ok when they're not. He was sad, and he said so. He doesn't really have the skill yet to hide it.

aurynne · 26/05/2012 23:57

And you guys really did not know about all this before having children? Really???? It was one of the major factors in me deciding not to have any :P

AngryFeet · 27/05/2012 00:14

We gave up basing our weekends around the kids a long time ago. Days out etc are ok once in a while but my kids just want to be at home it seems. They sure moaned enough at all the places we went to Grin. Today they went to gymnastics in the morning then our for lunch then spent the day gardening and putting in a swing set and getting stuff ready for a car boot tomorrow. They just hung around helping us if they fancied it or playing together if not. We always ask them what they want to do at the weekend so it is not all about the adults but apart from the odd trip to the park they like to hang out at home. I suppose what with school and a few after school activities each week they just want to chill Smile

BackforGood · 27/05/2012 00:18

I have to agree with the poster ^ who said, when you've had a bad day, you should go and look at them while they are asleep, and your heart just melts away.
When mine were little, I used to hate that moaning and bickering when you'd sorted what you expected to be a real treat for them (the zoo, say), but, now m ine are quite a bit older, every now and then, they remember those memories.... it is worth it you know Smile.

BackforGood · 27/05/2012 00:21

Oh, and it's also easier when they are older and can arrange their own entertainment.
I had - ds1s frined over her yesterday and slept over. dd2 slept over at her friends, then her parents phoned to see if she could stay on into the afternoon. dd1, organised all her friends to come over for a water fight. I don't think I'll be alone in noting all my dcs can be lovely as long as they are not expected to entertain each other all day long. Lose one, or throw a couple of friends into the mix, and everything is hunky dory.

notactuallyme · 27/05/2012 11:40

cailan - you may be an 'expert' but you are slightly veering towards alienating your really good points by coming across as slightly patronising. I am not a fool or a dictator. Of course I have asked the dcs what they would like to do. It is not then unreasonable to be a bit frustrated when they subsequently moan/fight/whinge throughout their chosen activity. That's all. Not that deep and meaningful really.