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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mumsnet Jury please

59 replies

Earlybird · 25/05/2012 23:13

A friend asked if I could have her dd to sleep over (our dd's are friends), and I agreed. We made a loose plan to meet for lunch the next day, when her dd would be 'handed back'.

The morning after the sleepover, friend called to say she was going to a car boot sale, and so could not meet for lunch after all. We agreed a pick-up time around 1.30 when she would collect her dd - and I said 'no rush, take your time'. At two hours past the time (3.30), I texted her to ask if she was ok and when she was coming to get her dd. At 4.00, she arrived in a tizzy, thanked me, and said in a cheery passive-aggressive way ' I thought you meant it when you told me to take my time'. She then continued saying 'now I've got an extra person in the car and have to go back to the boot sale and don't know how i'm going to get everything I bought home'.

In my thinking - being a bit later than planned would be have been ok - hence my 'take your time' comment. But, two and a half hours is taking the piss. Btw, her dh texted me to say she had left her phone in the car when she was at the car boot sale, and that is why I had not heard from her.

So - who was unreasonable?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 25/05/2012 23:15

Neither really

Sounds like a case of miscommunication to me

DaenerysTargaryen · 25/05/2012 23:17

Well you did say take your time.. ...

babylann · 25/05/2012 23:18

Probably her, I think it's generally established that "take your time" is just a courtesy and we don't usually mean it, and even if we do we'd still like some idea of how much time that is going to be.

Might be best just to be more clear with her in the future, if you carry on the friendship.

fossil97 · 25/05/2012 23:27

She sounds like a disorganised person TBH. I suspect her cheery manner was to cover up embarrassment. I don't think anyone is BU, it was just a muddle and a day that got out of hand.

Original poster

Earlybird · 25/05/2012 23:29

Hmm - I would never think 'take your time' gave me permission to rock up 2.5 hours late. Especially if i hadn't called to check in and see if it was OK. But maybe I am a stickler, and she is not? And then to be cheerily snippy toward me?

So, instead of being glad to do a favor to accommodate a friend, i end up being made to feel unreasonable?? I don't get it.

As it happens, her timing caused me to push back something we had planned with someone else - because I never dreamed the two things could possibly run together. There was more than enough time in between.

OP posts:

cheeseandbiscuitsplease · 25/05/2012 23:29

I think she was out of order tbh.

AgentZigzag · 25/05/2012 23:31

When she said about going on to the car boot sale. was it asking, or did she say it as though it was a done and dusted decision and she was just telling you?

If it was the latter then she was being unreasonable.

If she asked, you said it was OK, she apologised for being so late and not in contact and there were good reasons for both, you're over thinking it.

What's she like normally?

ImBetterThanYou · 25/05/2012 23:32

I think she was being unreasonable, not you, and she owes you an apology.

IsLovingAndGiving · 25/05/2012 23:33

She is BU Imo.

You agreed a collection time. Then you courteously said 'take your time'. In this situation I wouldn't be more than half an hour late to collect my dc.

She was most definitely taking the pee & was not at all appreciative of what you had done for her.

Jinsei · 25/05/2012 23:42

She is BU.

Original poster

Earlybird · 26/05/2012 13:03

Thanks for feedback. it helps to get perspective because often I get tripped up on things like this (when the unreasonable person thinks I am the one being unreasonable).

Agentzigzag - she is good-natured and quite dizzy usually. A creative type. She told me she was going to the car boot sale (and asked if her dd could stay with us a bit longer), and that was why she could not meet for lunch as was our previous casual arrangement. To be fair, i'm sure I could have joined her at the sale but i was not interested.

If we had nowhere else to go that afternoon, it wouldn't have mattered nearly so much that she was late - though it was a massive assumption on her part, and I do feel a bit of a mug. I also am a bit cranky that she never really asked if it was ok - just took advantage.

I think what i perhaps could have done better in this situation was told her that we had other plans later that afternoon to give her a sort of 'deadline' for pick up - though truly feel I can't be faulted for not having a crystal ball to know that a sleepover would morph into a 1.30 pick up that in reality turned out to be a 4.00 pick up.

OP posts:

Debeezandbirds · 26/05/2012 13:06

"I think what i perhaps could have done better in this situation was"

I could hug you for writing that on AIBU! :o

McKayz · 26/05/2012 13:11

I think you are both being unreasonable actually.

You told her to take her time despite knowing you had other plans. That isn't her fault.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 26/05/2012 13:12

I think it's just a case of different personalities :) In future you will just need to be more specific and less 'take your time' ish about things as she clearly takes things at face value.

Don't let it come between you.

I have a friends DD for her sometimes when she needs her babysat, it amuses me/pisses me off that she acts like she's doing me a favour letting me 'borrow her' frankly I can do without wrangling with a 2 year old for the good of my health and a little appreciation for free childcare/babysitting would be nice - just a simple 'thanks for having her' instead of her 'I'm sure you have both had a wonderful time together' would be nice :) In all other ways she's a great friend - so I over look it :)

springydaffs · 26/05/2012 13:19

when you said 'take your time' imo she should have asked 'so, would it be ok if I stayed at the carboot all afto?'

ie make it clear what the arrangement is.

if you had arrangements for the afternoon you could have said 'take your time but I have to be out at blah o/c'

thought tbh iiwy I'd delete from your lexicon vague phrases like 'take your time'. I know it's instinct sometimes to kind of round things off lightly but maybe phrases like this are getting you into trouble?

Original poster

Earlybird · 26/05/2012 13:47

Really? Some of you think I was unreasonable?

To me, what I said meant 'no need to be here promptly at 1.30'. To her, it clearly meant she could appear at my house 2.5 hours late.

No question, things were complicated by the fact she left her phone in the car (her dh text'd me to say that when she was an hour late). When she was 2 hours late, I text'd her to say 'are you ok? Where are you?'. Only then did she call, and then appeared 30 minutes after that - frazzled and a bit snippy and falsely over-cheerful.

OP posts:

springydaffs · 26/05/2012 13:53

she took 'take your time' to mean erm 'do what you like, I'm easy'. From the sound of things she would have been much later than 2.5 hours if you hadn't managed to contact her to ask her to come and collect her kid.

I think she was U to be snippy though.

ExitPursuedByABear · 26/05/2012 13:53

YANBU - I have this with one of DDs friends - I offer a lift back from netball, get asked if they could pick their DD up from my house rather than me dropping her home, and then they rock up 3 hours later having been shopping. Drives me nuts.

Maybe she did misunderstand you - be clearer next time.

springydaffs · 26/05/2012 13:56

some people take the piss is the bottom line imo. If you factor in that they have a tendency to take the piss, you can be much clearer in what you expect (and follow it up). No point thinking they won't take the piss, because evidence proves they do.

Original poster

Earlybird · 26/05/2012 13:59

I know I am over-thinking this, but it's a slow afternoon .

Remember this whole sleepover started by her asking me for a favor (could her dd sleepover that night). But then it became could I pick her dd up for the sleepover so they wouldn't have to drive all the way to my house, canceling our lunch plans in order to go to the car boot sale, and finally turing up 2.5 late for collection (with an attitude).

So in the end, I felt like an accommodating mug - not a valued friend.

OP posts:

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 26/05/2012 14:05

Sorry Early, but yes, a bit. If you say 'take your time' then it's open to interpretation isn't it?! Clearly you meant - 10 mins either way is fine and she took it to mean, turn up whenever

Don't stress about it, just be more specific next time.

If you said it to me I'd be no later than 30 mins after the agreed time (but I'm more likely to be early than late) but if I said that to a friend then I genuinely wouldn't care what time they came. If I was going out later on I'd say so.

There's no right and wrong here.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 26/05/2012 14:09

OK - time to shake your head, get a cup of coffee or glass of something cold & sparkly and go and sit in the garden & think nice thoughts :)

TidyDancer · 26/05/2012 14:15

While I do think your friend was probably more unreasonable than you, there was fault on both parts. She took the piss, but your message to take her time could have been interpreted liberally, and sounds like it was. If you did want her back at a particular time, it would've been best to be specific, ie "take your time, just as long as you're here by xx".

Did you post not knowing if you were unreasonable or not, or did you just want everyone to say your friend was unreasonable? I'm always confused why people get prickly when some verdicts come in as YABU.

scuzy · 26/05/2012 14:18

chalk it down to experience. dont say "take your time" as she obviously has different ideas on that. yeah she took the mick not viciously though. just shake it off and in future just make definite plans and times to avoid how you are feeling.

my MIL says take your time. i am back straight away to collect ds as soon as my jobs are done. she says same to SIL who swans off shopping for herself. people take advantage without a blink of an eye, says more about her than you. only you know if its worth falling out over. i doubt it is. esp if your dds are good mates.

musicposy · 26/05/2012 14:32

I think she was unreasonable to be snippy with you. I suspect she was a bit harrassed at having to leave the boot sale at an inconvenient time and deep down she knew she had taken advantage a bit. I'd let it all blow over.

Next time, be more specific about pick up times. Mind you, I can hardly talk! DD2 had a friend for a sleepover a few weeks back. I did say I was happy for them to play the next day, something I took to mean until maybe early or mid afternoon and friend obviously took very differently. By 7pm on the Sunday I was pretty twitchy. By 8pm I got up the courage to phone and say "what time were you thinking of picking up friend? Just that DD2 is a bit tired" How feeble is that? She finally turned up at 9pm .

Next time I will say, we're going out at 1pm - and phone at 1.05 offering to drop friend home! Still, you live and learn :)

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