Mumsnet Jury please

59 replies

Earlybird · 25/05/2012 23:13

A friend asked if I could have her dd to sleep over (our dd's are friends), and I agreed. We made a loose plan to meet for lunch the next day, when her dd would be 'handed back'.

The morning after the sleepover, friend called to say she was going to a car boot sale, and so could not meet for lunch after all. We agreed a pick-up time around 1.30 when she would collect her dd - and I said 'no rush, take your time'. At two hours past the time (3.30), I texted her to ask if she was ok and when she was coming to get her dd. At 4.00, she arrived in a tizzy, thanked me, and said in a cheery passive-aggressive way ' I thought you meant it when you told me to take my time'. She then continued saying 'now I've got an extra person in the car and have to go back to the boot sale and don't know how i'm going to get everything I bought home'.

In my thinking - being a bit later than planned would be have been ok - hence my 'take your time' comment. But, two and a half hours is taking the piss. Btw, her dh texted me to say she had left her phone in the car when she was at the car boot sale, and that is why I had not heard from her.

So - who was unreasonable?

OP posts:

Margerykemp · 27/05/2012 16:13

sleepovers here last until tea time the next day

it sounds as if you classified it as you babysitting for her whereas she thought of it as you having a plus one for the night/day

did having her DD disrupt your plans?

catsrus · 27/05/2012 16:14

whereas if I said to someone "take your time" in that situation I would mean "leave her as long as you like - it's giving me an easy afternoon because they are playing nicely" So that's how I would interpret it if you'd said it to me.

If I had somewhere to go I would have said "that's not a problem, but we have to go out at X so can you make sure it's well before that"

miscommunication rather than BU I think.

McHappyPants2012 · 27/05/2012 16:40

Yabu I mean it when I say take your time, I am enjoying having my niece or nephew and would like more time with them

nothingsoextraordinary · 27/05/2012 16:51

I'd understand 'take your time' to mean 'take your time as you come' not 'stop coming altogether'. But there is room for misunderstanding. I think it was misjudged of your friend to make an issue of it - it sounds like she expects more than is reasonable and your boundaries are all over the place. Possibly she's done you one too many favours in the past?

MarySA · 27/05/2012 16:59

I don't think either of you are in the wrong. Just different ideas of what take your time means. It was a bit selfish of her to cancel the lunch if you were looking forward to it. In hindsight it would have been better to have said no rush but I'm going out at such a time.

Original poster

Earlybird · 27/05/2012 17:42

Having her dd did not disrupt our plans - we enjoy her dd very much. What did disrupt our plans was the Mum being 2.5 hours late for pickup.

We had made plans to meet another friend/her dd later in the afternoon. As previously explained - I never mentioned it to 'dizzy' friend because there seemed to be more than enough time between the planned end of the sleepover playdate and our next commitment.

nothingsoextraordinary - no, she hasn't done me too many favours in the past. In fact, it is the other way around. I am usually the one doing favours for her. You are right though, my boundaries were not clear to her.

Again - thanks to all for your feedback. My aibu 'dilemma' has been thoroughly dissected now - and I think I just need to move on, and be very clear and specific in future communication.

OP posts:

skybluepearl · 27/05/2012 19:35

you should have been clearer

Deadsouls · 27/05/2012 21:44

I think she was BU. I think her behaviour was really rude. I wouldn't dream of doing that if my DC had a sleepover. Definate piss take - and arghhhh, how annoying with the passive agressiveness!

idontbelieveanymore · 27/05/2012 22:03

YANBU - absolutely not unreasonable. You were being polite and just telling her not to rush. You were not telling her to spend the rest of the day bargain hunting whilst you looked after her child. As you had previously arranged for her to be collected at lunch it is obvious that you were not expecting to have her the whole day.
She was taking the proverbial and I have also fallen foul of the 'take you time text' and been waiting around. Never again. Strike that phrase from you vocabulary and do not do this woman a favour again.

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