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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mumsnet Jury please

59 replies

Earlybird · 25/05/2012 23:13

A friend asked if I could have her dd to sleep over (our dd's are friends), and I agreed. We made a loose plan to meet for lunch the next day, when her dd would be 'handed back'.

The morning after the sleepover, friend called to say she was going to a car boot sale, and so could not meet for lunch after all. We agreed a pick-up time around 1.30 when she would collect her dd - and I said 'no rush, take your time'. At two hours past the time (3.30), I texted her to ask if she was ok and when she was coming to get her dd. At 4.00, she arrived in a tizzy, thanked me, and said in a cheery passive-aggressive way ' I thought you meant it when you told me to take my time'. She then continued saying 'now I've got an extra person in the car and have to go back to the boot sale and don't know how i'm going to get everything I bought home'.

In my thinking - being a bit later than planned would be have been ok - hence my 'take your time' comment. But, two and a half hours is taking the piss. Btw, her dh texted me to say she had left her phone in the car when she was at the car boot sale, and that is why I had not heard from her.

So - who was unreasonable?

OP posts:

McKayz · 26/05/2012 14:32

Ah an AIBU where everyone is meant to agree with the OP.

I do think YABU. If I said to a friend take your time then yes I wouldn't expect them to be there at the time they said if they had things to do.

To me take your time means I am not busy therefore don't rush back.

LeQueen · 26/05/2012 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lazilou · 26/05/2012 14:51

if someone said to me oh dont rush, take your time i would assume kids were playing and she was happy to have them another couple of hours

your fault for saying it really if you didnt mean it

DeckSwabber · 26/05/2012 15:21

Well, the OP said that her friend asked her to have her daughter for a sleepover, so it would seem good manners to make sure that she wasn't imposing. The arrangement was 1.30. It was her decision to go to the car boot instead of sticking to this arrangement. She certainly have called to check it was ok if she was going to be much later than 1.45 or 2 at the outside.

takingiteasy · 26/05/2012 15:42

Why say something you don't mean?

MrsTrellisOfSouthWales · 26/05/2012 16:01

Perhaps she should have asked if you could have her DD over night and for the whole of the next day

QuintessentialShadows · 26/05/2012 16:06

Neither of you really.

Instead of saying "take your time" you should have been honest and said "ok, hope it wont be much longer because we have plans with other people this afternoon"

It is tricky. If you are polite you may end up impolite to somebody else (your other friends). And if you are honest, you may be seen as rude.

AdventuresWithVoles · 26/05/2012 16:11

I think EarlyBird is in USA where there's a cultural difference too, we Yanks are laid back quite often!

You need to be more direct; she took OP quite literally. So I diagnose failure to understand the culture where you are.

No biggie? Didn't the girls like having extra time together, anyway?

JosieZ · 26/05/2012 16:12

She got a chance to go to boot sale without whingeing DD or without whingeing DH (because he is child minding) and it turned out to be a good sale instead of the usual tat so she got carried away.

She sounds a bit scatty to me - having too much junk to get it home and another, presumably, unexpected person in the car sounds nuts, v scatty.

So YANBU and will be more careful next time.

numbertaker · 26/05/2012 16:19

OP, Your friend was rude, and has no respect for the favour that was offered her. Next time say what you mean about getting back for the right time, be firm. I am surrounded by people that because I am a giving person think they can take the mick, it shows lack of care and respect. YANBU

suburbandream · 26/05/2012 16:23

well if anyone was being unreasonable it was the friend, but IME people can interpret vague arrangements like "take your time" v.differently! That's why I always arrange specific times for pick up/drop off even though I risk seeming like an anal control freak

Original poster

Earlybird · 26/05/2012 19:04

OK - thanks again for thoughts and perspective. It helps to hear differing views.

After we discussed that her car boot trip should take about 2 hours and agreed a new pick up, I did say 'take your time' which I can see now was interpreted to mean she could arrive hours past that time, instead of the accommodating 'give or take 30 minutes' that i intended to communicate.

Just as i have learned the hard way that I must be very concise with dd and give clear boundaries (a vague 'we'll see' or 'maybe' or 'in a while' will come back to haunt me every time!), it is evident I must be very clear and specific with this friend in future.

It simply never occurred to me to anticipate (and take steps to prevent) what happened.

OP posts:

PuppyMonkey · 26/05/2012 19:10

Must have been a bloody good car boot sale.

Safmellow · 26/05/2012 19:14

YANBU. I would have been annoyed too. I guess it's different strokes for different folks and the most important thing as you have said is to learn to be very specific with her in future.

springydaffs · 26/05/2012 19:14

tbh OP I'm erm concise with everybody as you never know who are the pisstakers amongst them and you may as well make it clear where your boundaries are from the off. It's a fine art maintaining your boundaries without sounding bossy but there we go, it's worth it.

BackforGood · 26/05/2012 19:37

I have to agree with those who, in that circumstance, being told "take your time" would mean - "no, it's fine they are playing nicely, it doesn't matter to me when you come" -Sorry

StanleyLambchop · 26/05/2012 21:41

But noone has mentioned the poor other child. Wasn't she worried that no one had come to collect her? If I was 2 1/2 hours late to pick up after a sleepover my DC's would be distraught. 'Where's my Mummy, when is she coming?' It was very selfish of your friend not to think of her own DD. YANBU .

TartyMcFarty · 26/05/2012 21:46

Stop thinking about it. It's the other mum who should be feeling uncomfortable with her assumptions.

TartyMcFarty · 26/05/2012 21:46

But I bet she isn't.

Original poster

Earlybird · 27/05/2012 15:39

Have heard nothing further from the other Mum. No call/text to explain, apologize, complain, clear the air, rant, etc.

We both usually attend an annual community BBQ that is due to occur later today. We usually sit together and chat. Have a feeling it will be awkward to see her - also not exactly the time/place to sort this out.

I am rubbish at conflict. Maybe there is no need to dissect this with her - just a lesson learned for next time?

OP posts:

Original poster

Earlybird · 27/05/2012 15:45

Actually, am now dreading this BBQ which dd and I usually look forward to and enjoy immensely.

How did I get into this mess by doing someone a favor?? It's ludicrous.

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 27/05/2012 15:52

Lesson learnt for next time - be clear about what you mean, not open-ended and leave yourself open to being taken for granted. Her snippiness may have been a cover for embarrassment at having been seen to take you for granted, even though she may have thought she had your permission to be as late as she was.

Re. discomfort at the barbecue - play it by ear. Be as normal as you can be to her, see how she responds. Leave the ball in her court.

FartBlossom · 27/05/2012 16:02

Im another who thinks take your time means you dont have to rush, but dont take the piss. If I suggested half 1 and someone said take your time Id be mortified if I was after 2 especially if I hadnt cleared it with them. I think it feels worse here because it was originally one thing that got pushed back (ie lunch to pick up at half 1) to something else and then got pushed back again (to 4PM). Sounds to me like the mum was pushing her boundaries to see how far she could go. All she wanted was a babysitter for a night, but it turned into a night and a day by the sounds of things.

My mum says take your time to us whenever she has my DCs while me and DH do something. DH takes it to mean we have all day, I take it to mean not to rush, but do what we have to do then go back ie not do the couple of jobs then have lunch then go shopping etc.

Ive not had to be in this situation myself, but Ive learned from MN what to do

However OP, I do have to say YABU to expect everybody to agree with you as we are all different with different opinions. How boring would MN be if we all agreed

DeckSwabber · 27/05/2012 16:03

I think it depends on where you want to go from here - if your children are friends and you want to carry on with playdates/sleepovers, then just be friendly and normal. Be the bigger person for the sake of your children.

hiveofbees · 27/05/2012 16:06

YANBU. Saying 'take your time' is to me, a social pleasantry that means dont worry about being 15-30 min later than whatever time you agreed to pick up your DC. To turn up hours later and then be all PA about it is unacceptable.

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