To be confused and a bit concerned?

[dontcallmehon]

I am really confused by my mum's behaviour at the moment. She came to babysit this week whilst I was working (my husband had to drive me there as I am still trying and failing to pass my driving test - grr). When we got home, it was 9.30 and the dcs were still awake. It was a schoolnight - so obviously we were anxious to get them to bed, but I didn't say anything to my mum about it - as obviously she was doing us a favour.

Anyway - my dh has built a website for my mum to help her launch her business. My mum had accidentally deleted some photos off it - so she demanded that dh sort it out for her immediately. Dh said no as we had to get dcs to bed (they are usually asleep by 8 at the latest). He offered to do it later when he got a chance. My mum stomped out saying that she'd put herself out for us and we weren't doing the same for her. No mention or thank you for the fact that dh had spent hours creating this website for her.

I ignored it and didn't say anything, but said that if it was a problem we could sort out alternative arrangements for babysitting in future.

The next day we were outside in the garden and didn't hear the phone. The mobile was in the car. I did hear the phone ringing later on - but dh had an awful vomiting bug, so I was upstairs trying to clean. When I finally got downstairs, I was exhausted and not in the mood for an argument - so I ignored the phone. I had 19 missed calls on the mobile and about 10 increasingly hysterical messages that I picked up then next day, all from my mum - accusing dh of not letting me talk to her. I also heard someone hammering on the door at about 10.30pm and had an idea that it could be my mum, but was on my own downstairs and too scared to open door at that time of night in case it wasn't her. She had pushed a card through the letter box - saying this was making her ill etc etc.

I rang today, but she was out. Have sent her a text saying that I haven't fallen out with her and am really confused, as I honestly haven't said anything! She seems to think I never want to see her again!

I find the whole situation really odd. I work hard and just want to relax at home, I really don't want any arguments and am baffled by this. I am concerned that this is not normal behaviour either - my mum is always a bit dramatic, but this is ridiculous!

It's not confusing why your mum might be worried about you not answering so many texts and phone calls, I'd be worried too if someone I talked to regularly didn't answer.

Either she thought something was amiss, or that you had fallen out with her, both could have had her worried if she cares about you.

But why would your mum think your DH was stopping you from answering? Does she think he's the kind of bloke who'd do that?

Have you not talked to her yet then?

No dh isn't like that, so I don't know where this is all coming from.

I think it is odd to keep ringing and ringing someone like that.

No, I've tried and left messages - but she isn't in.

If I genuinely thought someone I loved wasn't answering their phone for sinister reasons, then I'd keep phoning.

If I thought we'd just fallen out, I'd try a few times then leave them to contact me.

Is she not answering you now because she's calmed down and realised she was OTT and feels a bit silly now, or if she thought it was something sinister and you're OK feels a bit silly now, or she's just playing games and is in a huff with you?

I really don't think she thought it was anything sinister. I think she is playing games and is in a huff. I might seem awful - but I really can't be bothered with it.

I suppose from your mums point of view she probably couldn't understand why it took both of you to put the children to bed.

There are 3 of them

Yes it does seem awful. You make it sound like you don't care how she feels....

YANBU to be concerned, but perhaps your DM has genuine concerns as well.

I would keep trying to contact her, the ball is in your court really. Just try to see things from her perspective, she may well be genuinely worried about you.

What actually is it that you're concerned about?

If it's OTT behaviour for even a dramatic person, are you concerned about what might be behind the out of character OTTness?

Can you think of anything?

I do care how she feels - which is why I've tried to contact her. But I've done nothing wrong! What has she to be concerned about?

I think she plays on being ill (she isn't ill - she is perfectly healthy and active) and crying hysterically to get everyone to do whatever she wants. I'm used to this behaviour which is why I come across as uncaring. I'm not - it's just she does have crying fits over everyone and everything.

The job she wanted dh to do would have taken a while, as she wanted all the photos resizing etc. We were tired and had just got back - so I don't see why doing it the next day wasn't an option.

Why would she be worried about me? That's not how the phone messages came across.

I don't know - I think she needs medication for her anxiety as she is blowing the smallest things way out of proportion.

I really don't know what I've done wrong. As far as I'm concerned, I've tried to call three times and left messages. That's it - I'm not chasing her, because I haven't done anything.

Obviously I am in the wrong. I'm just not sure why.

You say this is the worst she's been so far, have you seen it get progressively worse over time or is this the first instance you've thought it's maybe getting out of hand?

Does your mum live with anyone? If she does have they said they've noticed anything?

You're not necessarily in the wrong, just because someone behaves as though you are doesn't make it so.

I don't think you are. My Mom is in a different country and I have to make sure I answer the phone to her at some point in the day, just in case she panics and calls the police. She is also a very anxious person and it can be incredibly draining.

You are NOT in the wrong, I think you have has some really unfair responses here. Your mother is unreasonable - not you.

There are five posters on the thread MsP, and only one has said anything that could be construed as unfair, but even that one was pretty tame and not flaming the OP.

She lives with her dh and my db. Thinking about it, I remember her getting me out of bed as a child so we could walk round the streets looking for my stepdad when they'd had a row. She called the police out to look for me twice when I was slightly late from school and once when I was in my late teens and fell asleep at a party.

i don't think you're in the wrong. my MIL does this sort of thing.

it's just manipulation, she wants you to forget she's had an embarrassing strop about nothing, so now she's going OTT about something unrelated to force you to start apologising for that. and ignore her behaviour in the process.

you've rung her now, any more stropping and sobbing that she does is her own affair. leave her to her own devices.

I know what it's like. You tell stories like this, and people with normal(ish!) parents say "aww, she's obviously worried/loves you. That's what Mother's do." But dealing with their level of anxiety is exhausting.

Did you see the thread recently about the OP who didn't want to share with her Mother why she went to hospital? Do you feel your Mother has a problem accepting your right to privacy or space? Or is it just the anxiety?

• Mothers

dontcallme I have a tendancy to over-ring when I get anxious...the fact that you recall another time indicates that she's just feeling stressed and insecure atm.

She's starting a new business and must be worried abuot it. Can't you go an see her physically? Let her know it's all ok?

Dont your mum sounds a lot like mine in the sense of blowing things out of proportion and etting upset so as people have to comfort her thus making you the bad guy.
Shes actually used the phrase its making me ill more times than i can remember.

My mum currently doesnt sound as bad as yours but like you i do believe its an illness of some kind and i understand why you are bloody sick of it to be honest.
I dont know what advice to give but leave a messae say to et in touch when shes ready and you will try to answer if you are not busy with the kids.

Yes I do, Nanetta. When I was at university I used to go mad at her for opening my letters. She would read my diary and listen when I was on the phone. She rang my college so much that the porter told me off for not ringing my poor mother. If she thinks I've wronged her she gets my grandmother, who is in her 80s - but still very fiery - to ring and tell me off.

I find it a bit much. I didn't see that thread.

I know nothing about your family apart from what you've said in the OP, but your last post makes me wonder if there's something in her past which could have made her so anxious about not being able to contact someone?

Like not being able to find her mum and dad if she woke up at night, or a DP who left her and she couldn't get hold of them?

Something significant that has made her totally overreact at the situation?

I can't go and see her as she isn't in.

I'm starting a new business too - working fulltime in my day job at the moment and at night too. I'm exhausted. I can't take on all her stress too. I don't mind being a listening ear, but I can't deal with the tears, letters and endless phone calls.

By the way , have a look at this link and the others on that site. Might be helpful.