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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be confused and a bit concerned?

65 replies

dontcallmehon · 25/05/2012 18:29

I am really confused by my mum's behaviour at the moment. She came to babysit this week whilst I was working (my husband had to drive me there as I am still trying and failing to pass my driving test - grr). When we got home, it was 9.30 and the dcs were still awake. It was a schoolnight - so obviously we were anxious to get them to bed, but I didn't say anything to my mum about it - as obviously she was doing us a favour.

Anyway - my dh has built a website for my mum to help her launch her business. My mum had accidentally deleted some photos off it - so she demanded that dh sort it out for her immediately. Dh said no as we had to get dcs to bed (they are usually asleep by 8 at the latest). He offered to do it later when he got a chance. My mum stomped out saying that she'd put herself out for us and we weren't doing the same for her. No mention or thank you for the fact that dh had spent hours creating this website for her.

I ignored it and didn't say anything, but said that if it was a problem we could sort out alternative arrangements for babysitting in future.

The next day we were outside in the garden and didn't hear the phone. The mobile was in the car. I did hear the phone ringing later on - but dh had an awful vomiting bug, so I was upstairs trying to clean. When I finally got downstairs, I was exhausted and not in the mood for an argument - so I ignored the phone. I had 19 missed calls on the mobile and about 10 increasingly hysterical messages that I picked up then next day, all from my mum - accusing dh of not letting me talk to her. I also heard someone hammering on the door at about 10.30pm and had an idea that it could be my mum, but was on my own downstairs and too scared to open door at that time of night in case it wasn't her. She had pushed a card through the letter box - saying this was making her ill etc etc.

I rang today, but she was out. Have sent her a text saying that I haven't fallen out with her and am really confused, as I honestly haven't said anything! She seems to think I never want to see her again!

I find the whole situation really odd. I work hard and just want to relax at home, I really don't want any arguments and am baffled by this. I am concerned that this is not normal behaviour either - my mum is always a bit dramatic, but this is ridiculous!

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Original poster
dontcallmehon · 25/05/2012 21:44

Yes AgentZigZag - there is. I think she had a horrible childhood really.

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Original poster
dontcallmehon · 25/05/2012 21:45

Thank you - that has made me see her point of view a bit. I can see why she acts as she does - though it is frustrating.

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Original poster
dontcallmehon · 25/05/2012 21:45

Thanks, oi - will do.

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NanettaStocker · 25/05/2012 21:46

It's so hard to make people understand how intrusive and awful it is, when it's packaged as "Mother's Love". I've had phone conversations with her where I've been treading on eggshells because I know at some point I will "upset" her. But to tell the full story to someone, it sound so petty and mean.

She's moving back to this country after nearly 10 years on Thursday. It sounds awful but I could cry. My life will not be my own. She used to make me edit my diary if she didn't agree with it.

You're not in the wrong. I hope your DH is supportive and understanding about her ways.

oikopolis · 25/05/2012 21:47

don't go to great lengths to reassure her. i know that sounds callous, but when someone has a real, diagnosable anxiety problem, excessive reassurance in reaction to their acting-out actually serves to increase the problem. you're basically rewarding them for invading your life with their anxiety, and that is not good.

you've rung her and left a message, there's nothing else you can do short of roam the streets looking for her, and that is ridiculous. if she is unable to deal with normal things like someone not picking up the phone when she calls, then she needs to see a GP, get on anti-anxiety meds and access some counselling.

LowFlyingBirds · 25/05/2012 21:52

You maneged to miss 19 phone calls?? More including the home phone...
And you thought it could be your mum knocking on the door but chose to ignore rather than go and find out? You dont have to open door to find out who is on the other side.

I can see why she would feel something weird is goin on with you.

oiwheresthecoffee · 25/05/2012 21:54

I think to be honest OP probably didnt want to have to deal with her mother at that time as it can be so draining. It porbably wasnt the wisest course of action imo as it probably made her mum more anxious and her behaviour worse but on the other hand as OP cant deal wither her mother 24/7 like this i totally understand why she didnt want to answer at the time.

Original poster
dontcallmehon · 25/05/2012 21:56

Dh finds it all very frustrating too Nanetta.

Thanks oi - that's what I'm going to do. Earlier on in this thread I was wondering if I was being cruel from the responses on here, but I agree that me chasing her too much is going to inflame the situation.

The worst thing is that she has a friend who tells me off too and believes that my mum is always right in everything she does and says. So I have had her friend leaving messages too! My mum tends to have friends who will do everything for her. It makes me feel a bit ganged up on.

Especially as I honestly haven't said or done anything that could have made her feel like this and then somehow I feel as if I should take responsibility for her feelings.

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Original poster
dontcallmehon · 25/05/2012 21:59

Lowflyingbirds, I didn't want the confrontation. It was my one evening off and I wanted a bit of peace. I was in the garden for some of those phone calls and the mobile was in the car - so how could I possibly have heard it?

If someone knocks on my door at 10.30 I have the right not to want to answer it. If I'd looked through the window - the person outside could have seen me and it would have freaked me out if not my mum.

It was dh's mobile actually as I don't really do mobiles. I use his sometimes, but I like my space.

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Original poster
dontcallmehon · 25/05/2012 22:02

Maybe I am weird. Nothing weird is going on with me - I am just slightly eccentric.

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AgentZigzag · 25/05/2012 22:03

'I think she had a horrible childhood really.'

It's not an excuse to behave outrageously, especially when you've had to deal with it all your life, but it might go some way to explaining why she's like that.

I don't know what the answer is, but you need a strategy for dealing with how she is (when she's unlikely to change at this point in her life) with as little impact to you and your family as you can.

Perhaps it's distancing yourself in your mind from her when she's like this, and just being normal when she's not?

I have a strained relationship with my mum, if you could call it a relationship, so I know how difficult it is to compartmentalise different parts of them to continue with contact.

But you have to be able to live your own life.

oiwheresthecoffee · 25/05/2012 22:03

Honestly i think your mum has some issue , mines not quite as bad but ive been wondering for some years what it is as like you say other people think shes just loving. Slightly much but loving.
Its more than that. Ive posted on stately homes about her and her inability to cope with anything and cry and get upset/get people to side with her and how she just cant cope with it all etc etc.

Original poster
dontcallmehon · 25/05/2012 22:06

Yes, that is what I try to do I think Agent. Generally it works, but sometimes it gets a bit irritating.

I think people just don't realise what it can be like.

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LowFlyingBirds · 25/05/2012 22:09

If yoy didnt hear the phone, you didnt hear it. Youre right, you cant answer a call, or 20 odd calls, you didnt hear.

But the thought of your mum standing at you door, knowing yoy were at home, and bein ignored is really, really sad. It justis, however much of a pita she is. If youre scared to answer the door you can call through and ask who it is. If you didnt want a confrontation then all you say is 'mum, its late im going to bed but before you go i just want to say i missec your calls and was going to call you in the morning, theres no problem at all, sorry you were worried, just crossed wires, night'

I think if you are going to give her the cold shoulder then at least stand by that instead of making silly excuses and trying to make he feel its all in her head. Hardly going to help with her anxiety.

Helltotheno · 25/05/2012 22:10

Sorry if I'm completely wrong but it sounds like you enjoyed putting her through all that, ie the 19 phone calls and her turning up on your doorstep. Could you not have sent a text when you did get your phone? Or even after she went home after knocking on the door?

Not saying she doesn't have issues but it sounds like you could confront them and don't, which leads me to think you enjoy the drama.

LowFlyingBirds · 25/05/2012 22:11

Btw imnot saying this from the pov of someone with a lovely, normal mother. Mine is bonkers and mean and manipulative.

Original poster
dontcallmehon · 25/05/2012 22:13

If she'd rang once or called round at a decent time I'd have opened the door. It is all in her head. I'm not trying to make anyone feel anything. I have anxiety too but I take medication and don't inflict it on others. I have small children in bed - it isn't nice to hammer on the door at that time.

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Original poster
dontcallmehon · 25/05/2012 22:14

Of course I didn't ENJOY that. I am actually really angry at that!

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Original poster
dontcallmehon · 25/05/2012 22:14

I DID send a bloody text!

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Original poster
dontcallmehon · 25/05/2012 22:15

FGS.

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LowFlyingBirds · 25/05/2012 22:15

Knocking on her daughters door and being ignored was not in her head.

Original poster
dontcallmehon · 25/05/2012 22:16

OK - I've calmed down. With hindsight I would've opened the door - but I really an not an evil and twisted person who enjoys inflicting emotional pain on others. If I liked drama so much why would I try to avoid it?

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Original poster
dontcallmehon · 25/05/2012 22:17

If I knocked on someone's door at 10.30 at night I would not expect to be let in.

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AgentZigzag · 25/05/2012 22:18

'If youre scared to answer the door'

It could be that the OP's scared of opening the door to her mum because she knows full well that saying ''mum, its late im going to bed but...' etc won't cut any ice at all and she'll just get an onslaught of why she's being unreasonable.

It's something I would avoid at all costs, however it came across to other people, sometimes you just can't take any more.

And that's not necessarily anything to do with the OP playing the situation for the power games/drama either Hellto, the OP's said she tries to distance herself from her mum when she knows she's like this, and protecting yourself by trying to ignore it can be part of that.

HelenBaaBaaBlackSheep · 25/05/2012 22:20

Not answering the door to your mum / shouting out to check if it was her is a bit weird, imagine if your children did that - surely you'd be pretty upset and irrational too?