To be confused and a bit concerned?

[dontcallmehon]

I am really confused by my mum's behaviour at the moment. She came to babysit this week whilst I was working (my husband had to drive me there as I am still trying and failing to pass my driving test - grr). When we got home, it was 9.30 and the dcs were still awake. It was a schoolnight - so obviously we were anxious to get them to bed, but I didn't say anything to my mum about it - as obviously she was doing us a favour.

Anyway - my dh has built a website for my mum to help her launch her business. My mum had accidentally deleted some photos off it - so she demanded that dh sort it out for her immediately. Dh said no as we had to get dcs to bed (they are usually asleep by 8 at the latest). He offered to do it later when he got a chance. My mum stomped out saying that she'd put herself out for us and we weren't doing the same for her. No mention or thank you for the fact that dh had spent hours creating this website for her.

I ignored it and didn't say anything, but said that if it was a problem we could sort out alternative arrangements for babysitting in future.

The next day we were outside in the garden and didn't hear the phone. The mobile was in the car. I did hear the phone ringing later on - but dh had an awful vomiting bug, so I was upstairs trying to clean. When I finally got downstairs, I was exhausted and not in the mood for an argument - so I ignored the phone. I had 19 missed calls on the mobile and about 10 increasingly hysterical messages that I picked up then next day, all from my mum - accusing dh of not letting me talk to her. I also heard someone hammering on the door at about 10.30pm and had an idea that it could be my mum, but was on my own downstairs and too scared to open door at that time of night in case it wasn't her. She had pushed a card through the letter box - saying this was making her ill etc etc.

I rang today, but she was out. Have sent her a text saying that I haven't fallen out with her and am really confused, as I honestly haven't said anything! She seems to think I never want to see her again!

I find the whole situation really odd. I work hard and just want to relax at home, I really don't want any arguments and am baffled by this. I am concerned that this is not normal behaviour either - my mum is always a bit dramatic, but this is ridiculous!

Thanks Agent. I really do not do power games/drama. I hate it - which is why that upset me so much. I was put through it as a child, so I feel very strongly about not playing games. What about the fact that my mother's behaviour made me feel anxious?

Well I'm a bit weird then.

My dcs are not of an age where that is relevant, but if it was I wouldn't knock at that time. How did she know I wasn't in bed?

Also, if it wasn't my mum and I'd called through the door it would have made me feel scared and vulnerable.

I feel the same about the power games and manipulation too dontcallmehon, and was also put through them by my mum.

Realising that's what they are and that you're an adult who can choose not to play the game isn't playing the power games back, it's taking control of what you will/will not put up with in a relationship with someone.

Everyone has a choice, and all you can do is deal with the person as best you can.

You're not weird!

Thanks Agent. Am feeling a bit :( now. I would hate to think I'd hurt someone, but I didn't know what to do.

Oh come on-19 missed calls & 10 messages in one day-that´s way over the top, surely?

And demanding that a website be sorted out at 9.30pm is really rude-regardless of whether or not there are children to put to bed.

she came over to the house because she wanted you to feel guilty about not answering the calls. she wanted attention, and an apology, and for you to forget how rude she had been to you about the website.

OP you're allowed to not answer the door. if MIL came to ours under the same circs, DH would tell me to leave her to her own devices because he would immediately read it as manipulative, attention-seeking behaviour. and the more you buy into that sort of thing, the more it happens.

OP then why have you not laid down some very clearly-defined boundaries with your mother in relation to stuff like this? I stand by what I said about finding it strange and odd that she was able to make 19 phonecalls and call to your house with no intervention from you, hence my comment before.

Is her behaviour over the top? Yes it is, which is why I'm asking why have you not made it crystal clear to her what you will and won't tolerate?

Because she won't listen hell. She doesn't listen to anything I say for long enough to take notice.

No contact for a while maybe? (Tell her beforehand of course...)

That would upset her more. I think I'm best just to tolerate the behaviour but not accept these overly dramatic moments. I will keep ringing - but only once every couple of days or so and if she doesn't answer she doesn't answer.

My mother is a bit like the way yours sounds, OP, and the drama and hysterics do get a bit too much sometimes. It's stressful to manage a highly strung person when you have enough on your plate as well. I've always found that the best strategy is remaining calm and being firm and slightly off-hand to defuse the drama.

Why don't you leave it a few days and then pick up the phone to her and just chat normally like nothing has happened, saying 'oh DH has some free time this weekend (or whenever) so he could do those photos for you if you want?' and if she gets all hysterical again, just stay calm and say you don't want an argument. If she keeps it up, just say you'll call back another time when she's 'feeling better' or whatever.

I certainly agree with leaving it a few days.

She seems really hard work.

You're not strange OP. Someone said further up how when you have a "normal" parent it is difficult to understand why someone else might ignore their mother's umpteen calls or late night knock at the door. I get it. I am harassed by my mother who seems to think that I am her personal counsellor and that I exist solely to field her calls/deal with her incessant problems & dramas. You don't have to answer the telephone in your own house. She left messages that you had picked up and ascertained that nothing sinister had happened. You were perfectly entitled to choose not to engage in some manufactured drama. It is perfectly okay to take a step back and think of what is best for your own mental wellbeing. In my view pandering to hysterical behaviour just feeds it & almost rewards it. It does not make the behaviour go away, in my experience it makes it worse.

You did the right thing in my experience. You didn't feed the drama that your mother obviously wanted to play out but you calmly attempted to make contact the next day and offer the reassurance that you had no issue with her and that you were alive and well. BTW I do think, certainly where my mother is concerned, that the old chestnut about being "worried when I couldn't speak to you because I thought something bad had happened" is a crock and a means to try and manipulate and make you feel guilty for deigning to be uncontactable.

As for setting boundaries it is very difficult to set boundaries with someone who doesn't wish to have those boundaries.