(Too much) sex education for 5 year olds....

[JemmaDilemma]

I've name changed for this as it's a bit sensitive and I have no idea if anyone is being unreasonabl but it's worrying me, so here goes... (sorry it's long!)

DD is in year 1. She is 5. She is good friends with a girl who is only child of a lesbian couple. This is not an issue - they are good friends of ours. As they have always been concerned about their DD hearing negative views about their relationship/family they have always been very frank with her.

Thiis includes recently telling her the full facts of life, sex and reproduction, with detailed information about sperm donation, IVF etc etc. All the information they have shared with her is factually correct but IMHO it is way more than a 5 year old needs to know.

As a mutual friend has recently become pregnant suddenly this is a hot topic. I feel I am being forced into having a conversation with DD that I'm not ready to have, simply because otherwise someone else's child will give her facts which she may misunderstand. She is emotionally quite a young 5 year old.

The other child, however, is mature for age, having always been treated like an adult. She can be very manipulative and is very aware that she has knowledge and privileges that her peers do not.

I really want to stress that this is not a homophobic concern - I mentioned the parents relationship because it is significant in the way they have decided to educate their daughter ie. giving her the facts before she hears them from someone else. I totally inderstand that.

Another parent raised concerns to this couple about how the information could be passed on to the other children, they laughed at her prudishness and gave her a lecture about children needing to know the facts.

So. Not really sure where to go from here. I was tempted to speak to the children's teacher, to see if she had any advice but I wonder if this is being unreasonable?

Must be a common problem among parents as we all have different views on what children should be told and when, but I'm really fretting about it so would be grateful for any opinions.

Thanks.

I'm not entirely clear on what the problem is. What are you worried about exactly?

I think facts at an age/development appropriate level is not a problem. It stops children from getting their information from the playground.

It does sound like they might have gone a bit over the top though.

I was pretty frank with my DD when she was 3 (without going into detail about IVF etc) because I found it excruciating one I found stuff out in the playground and then had to pretend 'innocence' at home. so it isn't just lesbians that choose to do this - not by a long shot.

I don't see the harm in explaining the facts of reproduction to your child.

I'm another one that's been completely frank about the mechanics and science of it with my young children. The emotional side is something else and we'll do that when they're older. But I can't see how it would harm a child if they understand how bodies work.

I'm not sure how asking the teacher to intervene would help. What do you think that she could do that would alter this situation? Are you imagining that the teacher speak with the parents or the children?

My five year old knows the complete facts of reproduction. I haven't gone into the details of IVF or sperm donation but I would be perfectly happy to do so if the occasion arose.

My 3.5 year old also knows this information.

I don't believe you can ever be too young. It's facts, innit. I'm not going to withold this information from my children.

Leave the teacher out of it...I'm sure she has bigger things to worry about.

This is an age old problem. Some parents teach their children about reproduction before other's do.

There's no right or wrong in this. If their child is mature enough to understand then that's great.

If yours isn't, then talk to her in a way that is appropriate to your own child.

Are you one of those mum who says "when a mummy and daddy love each other very much, daddy puts a seed in mummys tummy"

Kids don't need to be lied to about this stuff be honest and truthful, you will find they will of heard bits and bobs from other kids anyway not just your friends DD. no-one ever told me anything and put it this way I discovered for myself about sex etc at a VERY young age.

I think if your daughter asks, then tell her in age appropriate language. Make it clear she can come to you and ask anything she wants to know.
My dd is 3 1/2 and recently asked how babies are made and where they come from. I gave her facts that she can understand and when she's older, can get more detailed answers.
I wouldn't involve a teacher, but just prepare for your daughter to ask questions. She might not, some children just don't care at that age.

My parents told me and my siblings the facts of life just before we all respectively started primary school. They made it sound like just normal info about the body - because it is.

OP, you're allowed to choose not to tell your own child yet about the birds and the bees, but what any other family tells their child is 100% none of your business. If the child is manipulative, etc., as you say, that will have nothing to do with having been told about reproduction. It might be because she is a highly intelligent child or it might just be her personality. It is outrageous that you've even considered talking to a teacher about it - this couple have done nothing wrong anc actually something very sensible, IMO. In fact, considering that children will no doubt be curious or even cruel about her having two mothers, it was very sensitive and correct to give her the facts so she won't be told something nasty about her conception and her mummies and come to believe that.

You say you're not homophobic, but I think if you examine why this is affecting you so much, you might find that's not so true. Would you be this concerned if it was a heterosexual couple who'd told their child about sex?

As an aside, am glad to see lots of other posters agree with telling your children the facts of life early. I recall reading something a few years ago that said studies showed that the earlier a child is told the basic facts of life in a matter-of-fact manner, the later they lose their virginity and the less likely they are to be promiscuous or struggle with sexual boundaries, etc.

But in finding your own appropriate balance, it's pointless worrying about other people's appropriate balances isn't it?

No two children are the same so you're always going to have this 'problem'.

Just deal with your DD how you see fit and let them continue to do the same with theirs.

The thing is, once you've done the basic information, children are going to pick up on the fact that it doesn't work for two women. So I can see how they would ask questions.

Like the thread on here recently where they'd been learning at school about gay relationships, and a girl came home and asked how gay people have sex. Children do think about these things.

I'm not quite sure what it is you want from us. Your daughter has been given detailed information about sex by some other parents, and you feel uncomfortable about this. It wouldn't bother me but I understand that it bothers you.

But the information is out there now, isn't it - you can't 'unteach' her. So - and I don't mean this nastily, really - what are you looking for from us?

I was wondering how long before someone accused me of homophobia...

Jean my daughter hasn't been given any information by this child yet.

The parents are proudly telling all of us in the playground what their DD knows as in 'you better teach your child some basic facts, beacuse ours knows everything now....'

I'm a lesbian mother. My children know the facts of life in a pretty basic format, but they know all the terminology like sperm, vagine, penis etc. some people have issues with those words alone!...I think the fact that you brought up that they are lesbian parents is irrelevant to be honest. If I were straight, I would still be me, and I would still have shared these facts with my children(5&3). Simply because they asked.

No two parents are the the same. We have different issues, morals and so on. I agree with worra. Don't sweat the small stuff....and this is small stuff.

And what I was hoping for from this thread is some advice on how others have found an appropriate way to speak to their children before questions have been asked.

My five year old knows all this kind of stuff- he asked me, I told him.

And he is in reception.

My DD knew when she was six. I'd pratted around long enough and she was getting suspect advice (bums and weeing up them) from a boy in her class.
Once she knew the actual truth, she was fine. She did not combust.
Can you lead the conversation round to it subtley and tell your DC what you want them to know. Only you can gauge their understanding.
Don't be surprised when yours comes home and tells you all about doner sperm etc.
And no, don't involve the teacher.

Ok, right, thanks for the clarification.

Here's the thing: you can't control the information your child receives. So if other parents are planning on giving out this information, then you can't stop them. Because even if you speak to the teacher and get the school to ban parents from discussing sex education with other people's kids [highly unlikely emoticon], their children will know, and their children will tell your children.

In the same way I can't stop my child hearing racist, homophobic, or sexist opinions. Some other parents have these opinions and they have passed them down to their kids, who have passed them on to my kids.

So as you so rightly say, it's a good idea to have a chat with your child beforehand.

In which case, my advice would be to get hold of a suitable book and read it with your daughter. We used 'Mummy Laid An Egg' but there are lots of great books available on the topic aimed at a young age group.

Thank you JeanBodel - that, in a nutshell, is exactly the kind of sound advice I am looking for

Can never understand why MN has to get so sneery. Probably shouldn't have posted in AIBU....

"And what I was hoping for from this thread is some advice on how others have found an appropriate way to speak to their children before questions have been asked."

There IS NOT an appropriate way to tell kids before they ask! You tell them WHEN they ask!!!!! And you only answer the questions they ask - they ask becuase they have reached that emotional/intellectual level to want to know certain facts. They need time to process what they're told, then they generally come back with more questions when they're ready to process the next bit.

The girl's parents sound a bit telling everyone in the playground what they've told their dd, but each to his own.

Just answer any questions your child has in simple terms you think she will understand.

I notice you said earlier that you weren't ready to answer her questions - kids rarely do things when we're ready for them to do them! It's really a question of when SHE is ready not you!

Just to clarify titchy when I said 'I'm not ready to have..' I did mean because I don't think she's ready. But interesting to hear your wait-til-she-asks perspective - seems like it's not that common round here but is the one I have adopted by default!