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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a little let down by parents' responses

71 replies

Ozziegirly · 24/05/2012 05:05

I am 10 weeks pregnant with 2nd child. Have one DS of 20 months. DH and I live in Australia, both sets of parents in the UK.

We told both sets of parents when I was about 5 weeks pregnant as this is the time of year that they normally start organising their yearly visit to us (in about Sep-Dec for about 4-5 weeks during that period).

Both sets very pleased about the pregnancy, said they would all love to be here in December when I am due - my parents said they had already booked their ticket but they would change the dates. I said to both to try to keep things flexible as it is a long way off yet. In laws said they would love to come out "to help" - and they have always been helpful before.

So, yesterday I had an intial consult and saw the teeny baby, all was well. Emailed both sets and told them that all seemed fine, and that I would probably have a c-section on 14 December.

Both emailed back - ILs - let us know when in January you would like us to come......I replied to ask about December and they said that as they had family in the UK they would probably stay there instead over Christmas.

My parents - oh we've booked a trip to Melbourne over the 14th but we'll be back on the 18th - that's ok is it?

I just feel totally deflated that firstly we're not going to have anyone to be an extra pair of hands and that neither set seem overly bothered in the slightest.

AIBU to have expected at least MY parents to change their trip to be there for the birth of their second grandchild, given that they are going to be over here anyway?

OP posts:

Bobbish · 24/05/2012 05:11

I would just tell your mum you would like her to be there for the day of delivery. Maybe your parents think they are doing the right thing by giving you a little bit of time to yourselves after the birth.

Original poster

Ozziegirly · 24/05/2012 05:18

I did wonder about that - but it's not like it's a first child where it's all about making yourself into a little cocoon of family love - it's going to be c-section, out of hosp as soon as I can walk and back into normal life asap to keep things as normal as possible for DS.

OP posts:

Bobbish · 24/05/2012 05:36

I would just be blunt and ask your patents if they can change their plans and be with you from about the 10th. This will give them time to settle in after the flight, get comfortable with your older DC and enable you to not be worried about leaving your DC for the day when you go in to have the c-section. Explain this to them - maybe your mum is just waiting to be asked. I can sympathise with you as I am not in uk either and would have loved to have had my mum with me for the births of my DC.

Hopefully if they have already booked Melbourne it can be changed

TanteRose · 24/05/2012 05:48

Congratulations, Ozziegirly! How exciting

does your DH have time off? Maybe your parents are timing it so that they can take over when he goes back to work?

ask them

Original poster

Ozziegirly · 24/05/2012 06:01

Thank you! My DH has about a month off (yay for Christmas break) but my parents will be gone by then, they are leaving just after Christmas.

To be perfectly honest, my parents aren't ever much "help" as they insist on staying on a hotel in the city, where we live 1 hour away and it's very much on their terms. They are perfectly nice, it just wouldn't really occur to them that it might be nice for me to have an extra pair of hands.

DH's parents are more practical help which is why it surprised me that they have changed their plans.

We have basically decided on the back of this that my DS will go to one of my friends, as we can build up to this between now and then, and he knows them a lot better than grandparents he only sees once a year anyway.

It's less a need for practical help, although that would have been lovely, and more a desire for them to actually want to be there.

We were actually discussing moving back to the UK a little while ago, primarily for our children to see more of their grandparents, but this lacklustre display has (for the moment) firmly removed that option from the table!

OP posts:

OhNoMyFanjo · 24/05/2012 06:14

You need to get a grip, do not embrassed yourself by telling any of them you are now not planning on coming back anytime soon due to this because tbh it sounds very spoilt. You can't move half way round tge world and then get upset when people to drop plans to visit when you want them too. You are very lucky that they both visit every year.

mockingjay · 24/05/2012 06:17

Well I think YABU. Both sets of parents are coming to help, but they can't just drop everything when you're on the other side of the world like that. They seem interested to me, interested enough to come all that way to see you every year.

I do know where you're coming from, as an NZer with family in the UK. But I think you should take a step back and see this from their point of view.

It's also worth telling your parents that you'd like them there earlier if possible. It sounds like you wanted some space with your first, and they're not to know the second is different.

Original poster

Ozziegirly · 24/05/2012 06:24

But they aren't coming to help at all - the help we need is when I'm in hospital. I don't know, I just think it doesn't seem like asking them to "drop everything" when they are already coming, just asking them to come at a time when it might actually be convenient for us?

I didn't want space with my first, my parents decided that they wouldn't come that time for 3 months because DS was due in August and they didn't want to miss the English summer.

I guess I just feel that when my children have children I would ask when they wanted us to visit, and then visit at that time, rather than deciding when was most convenient for me instead - especially if I was already coming, it's not like I am asking them to make a special trip.

Am I really being unreasonable, hoping that grandparents would want to be there to see a newborn grandchild?

OP posts:

mockingjay · 24/05/2012 06:28

We had one visitor in NZ in 15 years. So to me it seems YABU...

Do your parents know that the birth is when you want help? If you tell them maybe they will come then. I would have had no idea and would've assumed you'd want some space for a few days.

Alternatively is there any chance you could move the c-section to the 19th?

Original poster

Ozziegirly · 24/05/2012 06:37

Well they come every year, willingly, so this isn't a "special" trip or anything.

I don't think I have said that I specifically said "I need help with the birth" - mainly because initially they had all said they would be there for it, so I didn't really need to.

Can't move the c-section as he only does electives once a week, and also I would prefer a birth date of 10 Dec than 19th in any event, so it isn't right on top of Christmas.

I'm sure it will all be fine - it seems that IABU so I shall abide by the ruling, suck it up and get my friends involved instead of my family!

OP posts:

mockingjay · 24/05/2012 06:40

That sounds very sensible Ozziegirl. I really do sympathise though, it is difficult being so far away at important times.

lopsided · 24/05/2012 06:46

Wow they come every year? That is expensive and tiring. I realise you are a bit put out but Yabu. You are already very lucky.

The excitement just isn't quite as intense for 2nd and subsequent children BTW, for you still it is but not for the wider family.

mynewpassion · 24/05/2012 06:47

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You can ask your parents to see if its possible to change their dates as it seems they made plans prior to your confirmation date of your ELC. If they can't, yes, your friends will have to step in.

However, I don't see anything wrong with the ILs are doing. I thought it was a MN cardinal rule for ILs to not visit for at least 2 weeks or more after the birth. Seems to me they are observing the rule. Additionally, they might be aware that you want your parents, specifically your mother, at the birth so are being thoughtful to not have two sets of parents along with a newborn and recovery and toddler for you to deal with it at the same time. Staggering their visit is very thoughtful.

CurrySpice · 24/05/2012 06:47

Maybe they're thinking they can be more use when you're at home. I can understand why you're upset though. Talk to them!

And very many congratulations!

Original poster

Ozziegirly · 24/05/2012 06:47

Yes it is, normally it's totally fine but it's just at "big" times like this when you realise that you don't really have anyone to fall back on for help.

Luckily I have a lovely group of friends, many of whom are also from overseas so we kind of step in as family when needed. It has really made me appreciate my friends, who have all been so forthcoming with offers of help, having DS to stay, having him during check ups etc.

OP posts:

OhNoMyFanjo · 24/05/2012 06:48

Not at all unreasonable to hope, but it is to say your not moving back because of it.

Make other arrangements, you'll feel happier knowing it all sorted. No harm in asking the question of course , you just can't get upset if they can't/won't. Of course you could make all tge arrangements with your parents coming to cover and then something stops them from being there on time, so best to be prepared anyway.

Original poster

Ozziegirly · 24/05/2012 06:52

Yes but people on MN don't like their in laws - mine are nice!

It's fine, I'll see if they can come for the birth and if not we will make our own plans.

I realise not everyone is that excited about babies as the person having them, I just feel it's a shame that they will miss out, as if the ILs don't come until January, we'll be back to our normal routine by then (hopefully!).

OP posts:

Original poster

Ozziegirly · 24/05/2012 06:54

And to be fair, we're probably not moving back anyway - it's only that our primary reason was because we thought the grandparents really missed our DS, but this has shown that he is less of a priority than we had thought. It was a throwaway comment really - we haven't even discussed going back with them, only between DH and me. I'm certainly not so petty as to tell them I wouldn't go back because of this.

OP posts:

CurrySpice · 24/05/2012 06:56

I cannot understand these type of responses: well I never get any visitors, so you should be grateful for any visitors at all and stop being so spoiled!

What has the amount of visitors you get got to do with the long standing arrangements that the op has?!?!

LindyHemming · 24/05/2012 07:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dprince · 24/05/2012 07:13

Yabu, but I think you know that. You say you don't want help then talk about them not being there when you need help. At the end of the day, I assume, you moved from where they live and part of that is things like this. People can't always be available when you want/need if you live on the other side of the world. They already changed their dates to be there and you haven't told them what you would like.

Megatron · 24/05/2012 07:15

Sorry but a YABU from me. In the nicest possible way, your parents love you and your children but you can't really expect them to feel the same way about your situation as you do. Just because they don't feel they need to be there at the exact time you think they should, does not mean they don't care at all. You have chosen to move to the other side of the world (nothing wrong with that) but did you think that your son should still be their priority if they only get to see him once a year? They have to get on with their lives too. How often have you been to see them? (speaking as someone who lived a loooong way from my parents, with young children) It's great they are coming to see you and I'm sure they will love being with your DS and new baby, that it is not at the precise time that you think they should be there is a little churlish. I hope all goes well with the birth when the time comes and have a great time with your family when they get there!

HokeyCokeyPigInaPokey · 24/05/2012 07:20

I have to be honest, you do sound very entitled i believe the MN word is.

How lovely that you are expecting just before Christmas. It's also so lovely that you have parents and in laws that will travel from the other side of the world to be with you, you are very very lucky.

But the throw away comment about not coming back because of this makes you sound a bit silly.

You say your dh is off work for a month, i think two weeks is about standard over here. So what would you and your dh not be able to cope with on your own? Although i can see it would be nice for them all to be there with you surely you can understand they have other plans and will be with you as soon as they can?

my2centsis · 24/05/2012 07:21

Marks place for when I have time for full reply.

YABU

Chandon · 24/05/2012 07:24

really?

I have been in the same situation as you.

I was touched they all came so soon after the birth of ds2.

my DH took the first 2 weeks off, what about your DH?

do you have friends who could take in DC1 when you go into labour? that is what I did.

Don't really get why you feel put out tbh!

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