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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a little let down by parents' responses

71 replies

Ozziegirly · 24/05/2012 05:05

I am 10 weeks pregnant with 2nd child. Have one DS of 20 months. DH and I live in Australia, both sets of parents in the UK.

We told both sets of parents when I was about 5 weeks pregnant as this is the time of year that they normally start organising their yearly visit to us (in about Sep-Dec for about 4-5 weeks during that period).

Both sets very pleased about the pregnancy, said they would all love to be here in December when I am due - my parents said they had already booked their ticket but they would change the dates. I said to both to try to keep things flexible as it is a long way off yet. In laws said they would love to come out "to help" - and they have always been helpful before.

So, yesterday I had an intial consult and saw the teeny baby, all was well. Emailed both sets and told them that all seemed fine, and that I would probably have a c-section on 14 December.

Both emailed back - ILs - let us know when in January you would like us to come......I replied to ask about December and they said that as they had family in the UK they would probably stay there instead over Christmas.

My parents - oh we've booked a trip to Melbourne over the 14th but we'll be back on the 18th - that's ok is it?

I just feel totally deflated that firstly we're not going to have anyone to be an extra pair of hands and that neither set seem overly bothered in the slightest.

AIBU to have expected at least MY parents to change their trip to be there for the birth of their second grandchild, given that they are going to be over here anyway?

OP posts:

marriedinwhite · 24/05/2012 08:43

YABU. You have moved half way across the world and in your absence your closest family have had to carry on with their lives. They clearly weren't the centre of your universe why do you think you should be the centre of theirs. They are travelling to Australia to see you. My parents didn't come to London from the South Coast for the birth - they came as soon as they could. You are an adult - and actually you are only five weeks pregnant, possibly six. Why have you even told your family you are pg yet.

lisad123 · 24/05/2012 08:44

Your having a baby, yes it's great wonderful blah blah but it's not your first and you choose to live far away.
They are coming after the birth maybe because they think the space might be needed.
They make that trip every year, so clearly they are interested.
Stop acting like a spoilt child, you are an adult. Get friends to help and hopefully by the time parents and ILS arrive your be settled into a good routine.

As for them staying in a hotel, they make the trip half way round the world, pretty sure they want to see parts of Oz other than you, I would guess it might be their main holiday.

NeedlesCuties · 24/05/2012 08:49

YABU.

Floggingmolly · 24/05/2012 08:55

Apart from the general sense of entitlement that radiates from your post - one phrase stood out for me. I feel totally deflated that we're not going to have anyone to be an extra pair of hands. Your DH is off work for a month, how much cosseting could you possibly need?
And assuming you do need this level of indulging, why not employ an au pair rather than expect family to drop everything to perform maid's duties at your command?
What a princess you are!

Dozer · 24/05/2012 08:58

YABU. Am with those who say that if you move to the other side of the world you can't expect people to be at your beck and call. You have DH off for a month. And will be a parent of two: time to grow up.

YouOldSlag · 24/05/2012 08:58

this has shown that he is less of a priority than we had thought

I bet if you lived nearer them they would be in your lives a lot more.

You chose to live so far away, so you have to suck it up that your parents are not a constant support.

Besides which, I get irritated with all this entitlement that grandparents should be there to support you when you have kids. They've done it once. Don't they deserve a life of their own now? Of course grandparents love their grandchildren, but surely they are allowed to do it on their own terms and not to the expectations of their children?

OP- your parents (presumably fairly old-ish) are spending their money on two very expensive return flights plus a big hotel bill and spending money, not to mention the 26 or 30 hours flight there and back and you're STILL complaining it's not the right dates and they're using a hotel.

Me and DH have 2DCs, NO help, no-one staying and no respite. You know, like a lot of people. (and we are UK based like our family)

thegreylady · 24/05/2012 09:00

Just tell them you'd like them there-I bet they will be delighted to be wanted. I know I would be.

Emphaticmaybe · 24/05/2012 09:12

For me, I think it would ease the guilt of the parents and ILs time and expense to know they were making the arrangements that suited them. I would be able to relax and enjoy them being there if I felt a little less indebted, if you see what I mean.

However it is so easy to get on the wrong page with parents and ILs when we all have our own lives, especially if you are in another country. We often imagine the other person must know exactly how we are feeling and what is really important without actually saying it. This is when resentments and tensions build up.

My own mother took a surprise trip to Rome the week before DC 4 was born, I had 2 year old twins and a 7 year old and as DH was in the middle of a an investment in his company he had limited time off. I presumed she would just know I needed her as I had been quite ill. She came back and was unwell and nearly missed the birth. At the time, very unreasonably, I felt very let down.
However, now I'm so glad she took that trip as she would be unlikely to get there now as she has Alzheimer's.

It is not unreasonable to want a best case scenario of parents and ILs there for the actual birth, but unless you clearly state this you can't really blame them for presuming you will be happy with their own very reasonable and generous plans.
Good luck with the birth

jamdonut · 24/05/2012 09:19

My feeling is that the price of flights comes into the equation. Be thankful that they are coming at all, it is your choice to live that far away from them. And to say that your son is "less of a priority" than you thought is just selfish. Were your parents your priority when you moved to Australia? Do you visit the UK regularly? Oh, and the probable reason your parents stay in a hotel when they visit is because they feel "in the way" at yours and think they are doing you a favour. As for your in-laws, perhaps they had already promised to be with the rest of their family at Christmas this year. And why shouldn't they do that?

Helltotheno · 24/05/2012 10:05

YABU. You should be happy they're able to come at all given you live so far away, cos lots wouldn't be able to afford it. Also, it is their holiday and they do have an entitlement to treat it as a holiday and not be obliged to spend it doing childcare or whatever.

Just be happy that they'll be there at all and enjoy the visit.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/05/2012 10:53

Have you ever thought, OP, that both sets of parents might well 'play down' how much they miss you all? That because it isn't possible for them to be there more than once a year, that they will suck it up and just cherish that time with you all? How many times do YOU visit them? After all, it was presumably yours and your husband's decision to leave the UK, so where is do both sets of grandparents fit in with your priorities?

I don't like your comment about 'not moving back because DS is obviously not a priority'... as if that's what it was all about. If that were the case, you wouldn't have moved in the first place. Urgh.

I think the grandparents also probably think that you and your husband would want a few days/weeks to bond with the new baby and for you to get over your CS before descending on you. Obviously, you choose to see it that they 'don't care'.

I'm glad you like your in-laws because I'm not sure how you would have reacted if you didn't.

Annakin31 · 24/05/2012 10:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PickledFanjoCat · 24/05/2012 11:01

If you want them just ask. My MIL and Mother deliberately stayed away for the first few days, to give us some space. Not everyone wants lots of visitors at this time.

And my MIL felt that she didnt want to nosy in on my mother if she was going to be here.

I cant think of anything worse than both sets of parents present at the same time personally.

January seems perfectly reasonable to me.

lynniep · 24/05/2012 11:06

'Am I really being unreasonable, hoping that grandparents would want to be there to see a newborn grandchild?'

Yup

Nanny0gg · 24/05/2012 12:27

'Am I really being unreasonable, hoping that grandparents would want to be there to see a newborn grandchild?'

Speaking personally, No.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 24/05/2012 12:38

But they will see their newborn grandchild. And when you make the descision to move to the other side of the world, you are also making the descison to not have your family nearby when you have a baby. The fact that OP has moved so far away from family and will still be able to show off a newborn makes her extremely fortunate.

HokeyCokeyPigInaPokey · 24/05/2012 12:42

Exactly, they will see the baby, just a couple of days after it's born.

Outraged is right, if you move to the other side of the world you cannot expect to have your family with you every time you need them. I am sure this is something you considered before moving but moved anyway?

Ormiriathomimus · 24/05/2012 12:48

Blimey! Hope my DC don't move to Oz because we won't be able to afford to visit more than once a decade

Journey · 24/05/2012 14:00

I loathe the op's attitude. It is all about her and her needs. She is lucky that her parents and PIL are coming out at all. I hate the bribery factor that she mentions of perhaps not coming back to the UK if they can't be bothered moving their dates closer to the birth of her second child. You need to grow up and stop being so self centred. Have you ever thought how selfish it might have been moving so many miles away from home?!

Cabrinha · 24/05/2012 14:10

Wow! Hell yes, YABU. Your choice to have a baby. If you NEED them there, maybe you should have thought twice before trying for #2?

I don't see them not crowding round on the day of the CS not as disinterest but respectful distance. How many people here say they want some time with the baby first?

Also - they're coming a LONG way to see you and your husband. They will get less of your time in the first few days of having a baby.

WenTheEternallySurprised · 24/05/2012 14:15

Are you being unreasonable? Hell yes you are! And petulant to boot. You want help, pay for it, don't expect others to drop everything and travel to the other side of the world, changing their existing plans, to please you, no matter that they are family. On the other hand, I'm sure that your husband can cope with his toddler all on his own, just as mine did when I had an ELCS with our second.

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