Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To feel a little let down by parents' responses

71 replies

Ozziegirly · 24/05/2012 05:05

I am 10 weeks pregnant with 2nd child. Have one DS of 20 months. DH and I live in Australia, both sets of parents in the UK.

We told both sets of parents when I was about 5 weeks pregnant as this is the time of year that they normally start organising their yearly visit to us (in about Sep-Dec for about 4-5 weeks during that period).

Both sets very pleased about the pregnancy, said they would all love to be here in December when I am due - my parents said they had already booked their ticket but they would change the dates. I said to both to try to keep things flexible as it is a long way off yet. In laws said they would love to come out "to help" - and they have always been helpful before.

So, yesterday I had an intial consult and saw the teeny baby, all was well. Emailed both sets and told them that all seemed fine, and that I would probably have a c-section on 14 December.

Both emailed back - ILs - let us know when in January you would like us to come......I replied to ask about December and they said that as they had family in the UK they would probably stay there instead over Christmas.

My parents - oh we've booked a trip to Melbourne over the 14th but we'll be back on the 18th - that's ok is it?

I just feel totally deflated that firstly we're not going to have anyone to be an extra pair of hands and that neither set seem overly bothered in the slightest.

AIBU to have expected at least MY parents to change their trip to be there for the birth of their second grandchild, given that they are going to be over here anyway?

OP posts:

NCIS · 24/05/2012 07:28

Your parents have probably been on Mumsnet and realised that they are supposed to make themselves scarce for at least two weeks after the birth of any baby.
Talk to them and let them know that you're not like this. They are not mind readers.

captainbarnacle · 24/05/2012 07:32

YABU. they will be the fors their newborn grandchild - 4 days is hardly any time at all. Personally I would have wanted them there a week or so after the birth, not the birth itself. If you're having a planned c section then child are during your hospital stay should be a Doddle. I'd have more sympathy if you were having an unplanned birth and really needed emergency child are at very short notice.

You are being unfair.

exoticfruits · 24/05/2012 07:35

I bet they have been reading MN where the generally held view is that DH needs to police visitors and you need time alone 'to bond'! They are making a huge effort- just be pleased.

GirlWithALlamaTattoo · 24/05/2012 07:43

YANBU. They said they would come in December , when you are due. I can see why you inferred from that that they wanted to be there when the baby arrived. Both sets of parents have now changed their minds - surely anyone would feel let down.

sparkle12mar08 · 24/05/2012 07:44

They're coming half way across the world to see you and yet you're still ungrateful and whiny! I'm with those saying you need to get a little grip and get on with it frankly. You sound rude and with an inflated sense of self importance. What happens if the baby is prem? Are they meant to drop everything and come early and again on the booked dates? What happens if, god forbid, anything goes wrong? There are plenty of us with no family at all and sometimes it's very grating indeed to hear others complaining about the things family do for them...

YouOldSlag · 24/05/2012 07:51

it's going to be c-section, out of hosp as soon as I can walk and back into normal life asap to keep things as normal as possible for DS.

Did you have a C section before OP? I had two and I was doing the C section shuffle walk for quite some time.

Also I think YABU. They all booked their trips before your ELCS date and were probably thinking they would give you space before showing up.

Your parents have other family apart from you. Yes you're having a baby but they still have other relatives they can't ignore.

You do sound a little foot stamping. Be glad they are making a 30 hour trip. If your mother is not meeting your expectation, then tell her what they are!

SoupDragon · 24/05/2012 07:52

I think you are being a bit unreasonable - they most likely think they are doing the right thing. Another person with the opposite scenario may post: parents/ILs want to be there on the day of birth! I'm having a cs I can't deal with guests!

My parents - oh we've booked a trip to Melbourne over the 14th but we'll be back on the 18th - that's ok is it?

What was your answer to this?

drcrab · 24/05/2012 07:53

YAB slightly U. We live in the uk but my parents are from half way across the world. In laws from up north. When dc2 was born in laws didn't come till baptism which thankfully was a month on (and stayed for a night??!). My parents flew in 2 weeks after she was born. Dc1 went to friends etc.

saintlyjimjams · 24/05/2012 07:55

Sorry YABU. You made the decision to move half way round the world.

Even when they live closer you don't have a monopoly over help. By the time I had a csection with ds3 I was living in my parents town with two young children - one severely autistic who couldn't be left with anyone other than my mum. My mum helped out when she could but worked full time so dh had to be back home with the kids a lot of the time I was in hospital. He took a week off after I left hospital to help out. It's just the way it is when you're a grown up unfortunately.People have their own lives which don't stop just because someone has a baby.

I think it's lovely they're coming so soon after the birth when you live so far away. Anyway isn't running up to Christmas a hugely expensive time to travel?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 24/05/2012 07:57

YABU. Why do you feel like they will be missing out? Your parents will be there three days after the birth and your inlaws will be there shortly after. Your baby will still be a newborn.

I think you have I realise that when you decided to move to Australia and start your family there, it sent a message that you didn't especially need help.

Your parents are doing a long and expensive flight to see you, and you are put out that they are choosing to see another part of that country for a couple of days before they come to you?

Then your inlaws decide to time their visit so that they aren't 'sharing' their limited time with the GC with the other set of GPs so that you will have that extra pair of hands for a bit longer, and you still aren't happy

startail · 24/05/2012 08:00

I can't think of anything more awful than having my parents, who are lovely, in the way while I'm getting to know a new baby.

The less people I have to consider the better.

Surely DH can get paternity leave to look after DS.

Visitors far better when the baby is older and you ate all less frazzled.

Whatnamethistime · 24/05/2012 08:05

And to be fair, we're probably not moving back anyway - it's only that our primary reason was because we thought the grandparents really missed our DS, but this has shown that he is less of a priority than we had thought

They come every year, its bloody expensive, Id say they are showing a huge commitment myself.

bronze · 24/05/2012 08:09

I think their timing sounds great
But then I took my 7 week old ds3 to the country where they lived to visit rather than them coming here.
I also think they all sound like lovely people and you are being abit demanding.

bronze · 24/05/2012 08:10

He is not less of a priority. They are still paying a lot of money to come and visit you all. You are sounding very ungrateful

Lovelynewboots · 24/05/2012 08:12

I think you will enjoy their company more when you have got over the effects of the c section. From the sounds of things you may be able to enjoy Christmas with them. My parents are getting older now and my mum struggles with health problems and this trip would wipe her. They will be really looking forward to this trip, really they will.

gettingalifenow · 24/05/2012 08:14

But surely, even tho you're assuming a CS on 14th December, that's MoNTHS away and it could change anyway?

I'd be asking both sets of parents if they could keep their plans flexible at this stage but would not be relying on people from the other side of the world to be there for me - pick someone local to help with looking after your DS

AdmiralBenson · 24/05/2012 08:14

YABVU. You complain that they aren't coming when you need them - but you haven't actually told them you need them.

You also say that they don't prioritise their grandchild - what do you think they're doing every year making those punishing flights at the cost of thousands of pounds?!

My parents live in NZ, I would dearly love them to visit every year but it is such a long way and the cost is astronomical. You are so lucky.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 24/05/2012 08:17

Who is the other family the inlaws want to stay with over Christmas? I don't think it's unreasonable that they have other family they want to stay with over Christmas, and personally, I can very much understand why they would want Christmas in the UK and then a lovely trip to Aus to meet the new GC in January. From their point of view, it sounds like a perfect winter. This is about them as well, not just your need for a convenient babysitter, especially as they are having to pay expensive flights to get there.

Did they actually say 'we ar coming in December' or did you say 'it would be lovely if you were here in December' and they just nodded along before they had any time to think about it?

lazilou · 24/05/2012 08:19

think you are being a bit silly

ILs know your parents are there over the birth so obviously wont wont to be there at the same time will they, that would be daft

and maybe your parents have been reading MN and know that whatever they do will be criticised, picked over, slagged off and moaned about. they really cant win

knowotumean · 24/05/2012 08:20

All families are different but I think you are being very unreasonable. They are travelling a very long way to see you , they do this every year. They will still see the new born when it is still very little. It was your choice to move so far you can't have It both ways and even if you were around the corner they shouldn't be at your beck and call. It's fab you have such wonderful friends-appreciate them rather than moning about your parents.

skybluepearl · 24/05/2012 08:27

I think it's just perfect the way it is! You have 4 days of bonding before your parents arrive. Then you have a bit of respite and IL's arrive Jan.

And yes it will still be a cacoon of family love with 2nd child and c-section. All you really need is a friend to take eldest during op. As long as you have a hands on DH, you will be fine as he will be able to do eldest childcare, house work and help you.

I can't see what the problem is really?

skybluepearl · 24/05/2012 08:32

It your parents aren't of much help then it's great they are staying in a hotel and that you DH will be off work to put tea on the table for everyone.

You will really need help when DH is back at work, so a Jan visit from IL's is perfect. Ask them to come the day DH starts at work and let them know beforehand you will need their help with cooking and looking after eldest.

starfishmummy · 24/05/2012 08:37

I think YABU
You have chosen to live across the world from both your parents and your PILs, so why should they change their plans to come and be there for your delivery date?

Triggles · 24/05/2012 08:37

Do you have any idea how whiny and childish this sounds? He is obviously a priority or they wouldn't have made arrangements to visit. You cannot, however, expect everyone to drop everything to come running for this. It's a baby, for heaven's sake. You know, other people have had them and actually managed to cope with it.

You said your DH is going to be off for a month, and you only have one other child. Surely two adults can handle a child and a newborn, when there are no work commitments for an entire month?

You are being incredibly ungrateful. My parents lived in the states when I had DS2 (he's 5yo now) and due to my father's poor health, they were not able to come visit at all. In fact, my father passed away last year having not even had the opportunity to meet DS2 OR DS3 (who is 2yo now). And now my mum's health is too poor to travel here, so she won't get to meet them either. We could not travel there due to my health at the time, finances, and DS2's SNs which would make the trip too stressful for him. I would have loved a visit from my parents, not to help out as we are adults and can cope fine, but just so they could have spent some time with their grandchildren.

CheshireDing · 24/05/2012 08:38

YABU. why can't your DS go to a friend, baby sitter, employ a Nanny for a couple of days?

Presumably a c section would be in the daytime in the morning on a weekday, would he not be at nursery/similar for the day then a childminder could pick him up then DH can collect him at teatime?

It made me laugh thinking of both sets of Parents obeying the mn rules of keeping away when a new baby is born, that would definitely be me . I couldn't imagine them being there for 4 weeks with a new baby!

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread