hubby wants baby no2 when baby no1 isnt even 2 yet!!!!

[lilybeansmummy]

my husband has said he wants us to start for baby no2 when our daughter turns 2, which is the end of the year! i have told him i dont want to have another 1 before she is 4, my reasons being at 4 she can help out and 'be involved', she will be at school so wont notice that she's not getting as much attention! i just dont want her to feel that she wasnt enuf for us, i love her so much and i just dont want to hurt her in anyway, i know i am probably being ridiculous cos i do want her to have siblings but i just cant give up my time with her yet! my hubby thinks the closer the better cos than they can grow up together with the same interests!
i also believe i shud want the nxt baby as much as i wanted my daughter and right now i dont want another yet!

Neither of you are being unreasonable. There is nothing wrong with having them close (mine are 19 months apart and that suited me perfectly) and there is nothing wrong with having a bigger gap.

Really, this is for you and your husband to decide.

DS1 absolutely loved having DS2 at 2 years and 6 weeks old. He did all those things you have said ie helping out and getting involved. Your DD would be nearly 3 when the baby arrives if you fall straight away.

I think that 2 or 3 years is a perfect age gap, they play so well together and have the same interests. You do have to consider what you will do with bigger age gaps in school hols etc, a few of my friends have 5 yr + age gaps and they do have issues around what they do in the summer hols to accomodate everyone. Thats not to say there aren't benefits of a bigger age gap.

At the end of the day, if you don't want another baby yet then thats got to be your decision but the reasons you are giving are slightly irrational (IMO). You don't need to make excuses to anyone, you will be the one having the baby so you need to be sure - you are not unreasonable to think it through properly.

there is no right or wrong time to have a baby, what ever age gap you have there are pros and cons.

I have 14months between two of mine but 10years between another two. You need to sit down and have a talk about this and listen to his reasons and explain yours

good luck with whatever you decide

A friend ended up having a second DC just as the first started school - it was awful, the older child was sooooo reluctant to go to school, wanted to be at home instead, felt that school was just a cunning plan to get her out of the house so that mummy could be with the new baby!

Of course it's ok to have your own opinion on the best gap, just don't set things in stone.

Larger gaps can cause big problems for family holidays, I gather from talking to friends/family.

Talk about it. Don't rush into anything either way. Oh, and don't be fooled into worrying that you wouldn't love a second child as much and couldn't share your love - you'll find that you just suddeny have more love to give.

I agree. Neither of you are being unreasonable - it's just a difference of opinion. As long as it doesn't become a bone of contention it's fine.

we have one DD who is 2.3 and she is the absolute light of our lives, we both adore her so much. Neither of us were much sure we would ever want another (tough pregnancy, risky birth, tight finances, small house, I could go on!) but just recently I've been feeling quite broody. I see her playing little imaginary games with her teddies and think how much she'd love a sibling.

We were adamant we didn't want two in nappies or two paying full-whack nursery fees but we may try towards the back of this year so that DD will be 3.5 ish and I think we'll both be ok with that. Worrying about whether we'll love another as much is a whole other thing!

I have a 2.5 year gap between dd and ds1 and 4 years between ds1 and ds2. pros and cons, big con of 4 year age gap was that DS1 started reception when DS2 was tiny and felt suddenly grown up and not my baby anymore, conversely as DD was at home when DS1 was born she loved helping me with him. Your DH is not being unreasonable - I was happy to ttc when DD was 18 months old. I wish we had a smaller gap between DS1 and DS2 but it didn't work out that way.

Neither of you ABU, I don't believe there is such a thing as a perfect age gap. I have 2 years 1 month between mine & though it is hard work I do think it's a nice gap & as my oldest is a girl she does tend to help out-I'm told by friends with 3 & 4 year age gaps that there are jealously issues where my daughter is too young to really understand that. Like I said, no such thing as perfect

Everyone´s experience is different, of course.

My sibling & i are just over 4yrs apart.

Never really got on until adults.

My two are 22 months apart & are very close & always have been.

My DS2 is a happy accident!!

I was like you didn't want another one straight away, I was on the pill when i fell with him!

My gap 3 years 2 months and it's been so perfect, I got the overlap of preschool and some toddler groups had them at the same nursery a few days.

DS1 started school happy as he was happy DS2 was at home with me and at his old nursery etc.

Now they are older and best mates, they play together well share the same interests bloody star wars and summer holidays, breaks are great as I can normally slide them into the same age group clubs, just!

There is 6 years between me and my Sister and we are worlds apart when she was out being a punk I was shopping at Tammy girl!! So we are not very close at all

There's neither a right or wrong age gap. Mine have all been fairly close (20m, 21m and will be 35m) and that was right for us but what's right for your family may be completely different.

Having said that DH wanted DC3 straight away. The MW had to remind him the placenta for DD2 wasn't yet out!

IMO starting again at 2 is a perfectly good age gap. I have a psychologist friend who says that more than 4 years apart and they will never bond.

thanks everyone for your feedback, i really appreciate it, i have and will again talk to my hubby about it, i actually never thought that leaving it til she wa school age cud have the opposite effect! i suppose i just cant see past her being anything other than the baby she is now ( if i was to have 1 right now it wud be horrendous as she wud be 2 young to understand and is very much a mummys girl and mummy is not allowed to hold any other babies!) but by the time i have another, even if we start trying by the end of the year, she will be able to understand. i cant help but worry she wud be jealous. another thing is is it not physically harder when your preg and they are only 2? are they still not demanding your every attention at that age?

I have 21 months between mine and they are the best of friends. I have a few friends that waited until their oldest was going to school and they've had problems with jealously as the older one thinks they are getting pushed out in favour of the baby.

But saying that it's not a guarantee. DC3 is due in 4 weeks and DS2 will be 3.5yo. He seems so so excited by the thought of a baby.

I always wanted a 2 1/2 year age gap between my two as that's a similar gap between me & my brother & we're very close. Also I'm 37 so didn't feel like I had the luxury of waiting too long.

However, my son is 27 months old, and I am 23 weeks pregnant so we're on course for our ideal age gap. I have to say it is really, really hard work. Son is still too young to really understand & he's at that age where he needs a lot of attention. I still wouldn't change anything but dear me I am exhausted!

Your DH is right, much easier with a 2-3 year age gap.

For a large chunk of time they will hopefully play together and do roughly the same things.

They are demanding at every age! DD1 is 6y, DD2 is 4.6y, DD3 is 2.7y and I am 5m pg they are all demanding (though the in utero DD is easiest).

They will always want you to do something for them, with them or even to them - what that is just changes with time (I appreciate I have no experience past 6y but she's doing a good impression of a teenager at the mo.).

TBH DD3 is my easiest one and I have found toddlers (at least mine) very accepting of a new sibling - DD1 & DD2 used to bf together and hold hands - though DD1 is very maternal and loves everyone's babies/toddlers/pre-schoolers so that may be just her.....

Tbh I agree with your DH. A four year age gap means they will effectively be at different stages throughout childhood. School activities , after school activities and hobbies and interests will tend to be different. If they are only two years apart they will share more experiences which will also be much easier to manage.

Child psychologist friend says gap should be less than 2 years or more than 5 - but seriously, don't overthink it.

I have 13 years between mine and they adore each other its so nice watching my 16 month olds face light up when his brother gets in from school.
No age gap is the perfect one, and all siblings will fight and argue and feel left out at times. That's just life!

I have a psychologist friend who says that more than 4 years apart and they will never bond.

well there is 10 years between me and my sister and there is a very strong bond between us, so that is a load of old tosh

Well, you will be the one having the baby and I'm guessing looking after him/her so although your husband's wants are important, yours come first. But all of mine are close together and are really great friends- DS1 and DD1 went to T in the Park together, for example.

If you have a baby just as your DD is off to school, she might feel like she is being booted out, and resent her sibling.

I thought having my first two DC two years apart would mean they would be great friends, but tbh, they're not all that close. DD2 is closer to DS, who is three years younger.

So don't overthink it. It will be fine, whatever the age gap.