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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

hubby wants baby no2 when baby no1 isnt even 2 yet!!!!

60 replies

lilybeansmummy · 23/05/2012 20:48

my husband has said he wants us to start for baby no2 when our daughter turns 2, which is the end of the year! i have told him i dont want to have another 1 before she is 4, my reasons being at 4 she can help out and 'be involved', she will be at school so wont notice that she's not getting as much attention! i just dont want her to feel that she wasnt enuf for us, i love her so much and i just dont want to hurt her in anyway, i know i am probably being ridiculous cos i do want her to have siblings but i just cant give up my time with her yet! my hubby thinks the closer the better cos than they can grow up together with the same interests!
i also believe i shud want the nxt baby as much as i wanted my daughter and right now i dont want another yet!

OP posts:

HybridTheory · 23/05/2012 22:01

I think maybe you two need to come to some sort of compromise. As much as you would like your DD to be inviolved with #2 she may not want too (whatever her age) and she could resent a sibling even more having had you both to herself for so long. Or it could be perfect but you will never know until you actually have #2. There is no right or wrong gap.

ViolaCrayola · 23/05/2012 22:02

Another vote for see how you feel when the time comes. We had decided to start trying when DS turned two. Before he was two I thought I wouldn't want to be pregnant again so soon. But within a month of him turning two I was very broody... Now 25 weeks with DC2, will have a 2.10 age gap.

It is v tiring being pregnant with a toddler, but overall I am happy with the way things worked out - it will be lovely having two fairly close in age IMHO, for all the reasons people listed above. Big gaps have their advantages too - so just see how you feel :)

fuckwittery · 23/05/2012 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

lilybeansmummy · 23/05/2012 22:05

i want more than anything for them to be close growing up my sister and i are very close now but dear god she hated me when i was born (there's a 7 yr age gap) so to be honest although its a decision my husband and i need to make i want to do it when it will be best for my daughter too, and going by most of the feed back my hubby is right damn i hate it when he is right although i still will def not be doing anything b4 the end of the yr! thanks everyone

OP posts:

flower2009 · 23/05/2012 22:15

I would not worry about a 4 year age gap. Some people are saying there could be jealousy, but if you had a 2 year age gap and went on to have a 3rd child aiming for another 2 year age gap, there would be 4 years between the 1st and 3rd, which according to some means the 1st and 3rd would not bond. Some people may have miscarriages (such as my mother) so there is a 7 year gap between me and my sister and we get on great. I was so excited when she was born. I think an age gap does not matter at all. You should wait until you are ready before you have another baby whether that is after 1 year or 10 years!

EdlessAllenPoe · 23/05/2012 22:21

having had a 17mth gap, then 19mth...then left with the two three years apart..

i find narrow gaps easiest - they get to a stage where they happily entertain each other sooner. (with or without biting/taking toys etc)

3 years gap and the oldest child has to make more of an effort at 'downsizing' their play to get LO involved.

but of course, your body, your choice, and most people seem to make whatever gap they have work well for them.

molschambers · 23/05/2012 22:22

Oh I wouldn't say that a bigger age gap means they don't bond. DC1 and DC3 are 5 1/2 years apart and love each other dearly but they have a very different relationship to that with DC2 who is in between them both. My oldest likes to mother my youngest whereas the middle one plays with the youngest (and oldest) more as a friend would.

SodoffBaldrick · 23/05/2012 22:29

Gawd, we started trying for DC2 when DC1 was 7 months old! 2 months later and we were successful, there is an 18 month age gap, and they are growing up together. DS can't remember a time when DD wasn't here - he is 3.3 and she is 21 months old.

We specifically went for this age gap, as there is 20 months between my DB and I and we were great friends growing up and are still close - DH is 8 and 9 years younger respectively than his DBs who were and still are very close, and practically felt like an only child, since they didn't want much to do with the 'baby'.

I can guarantee you right now that DS has never felt that he wasn't enough for us - as if...!

I personally feel a 4 year age gap would be really tough, since they are into such different things at those times in life. Activities, holidays, toys, even TV programmes... The constant squabbling over who gets to do which all the time would be horrendous!

whothefuckputmeincharge · 23/05/2012 22:29

I have psychologist friend who says more than 4 years apart and they'll never bond

Hahahaha. In my family, over many generations, this is not the case. My DS4 is 8,7 and 5 years younger than the the first three. And never, ever has a small boy been adored more by his older brothers.

lillybeans do what you and your husband feel is right.

Jux · 23/05/2012 22:34

My elder bro was 16m when I was born, and I was 22m when my younger bro was born. We have all 3 of us been incredibly close all our lives. I don't know how our parents managed it, but there was no sibling rivalry; my elder bro was wonderful with me when I was a baby and then again with our little bro, and I just followed his example.

You don't really have to wait for a child to 'understand', but you do have to be able to make sure the elder one/ones don't get jealous. I can't give you pointers though, as I only have dd who is now 12, so I will never have to worry about it.

SodoffBaldrick · 23/05/2012 22:34

"I have a psychologist friend who says that more than 4 years apart and they will never bond."

Never bond...?

What a load of old tut.

Herrena · 23/05/2012 22:41

In terms of difficulty during pregnancy: DS1 is 11mo and I'm expecting DS2 in 2mo, so will have a 13mo age gap.

I actually feel that it might be easier to have them this close, because DS1 still needs to be carried but isn't massive and hasn't entered the tantrum-y phase (so won't kick my stomach). He's also not walking and so can't get into as much mischief as a bigger child (though not for want of trying).

A friend of mine with 3 kids said that you wonder how you will love a second one as much as the first, then they arrive and you wonder how you could ever have been unsure about it. Apparently you just love the second one the same as you loved the first one and that's all there is to it :)

highlandcoo · 23/05/2012 22:43

I agree .. generalisations are nonsense. My two are almost 5 years apart, the older one has loved the younger from day one; now in their twenties they are the best of friends. In DS1's case, having his own stuff going on - school, swimming lessons etc meant he didn't compare himself with the baby and there was never any jealousy.

You do what's right for you and it'll work out :)

Cherriesarelovely · 23/05/2012 22:52

Well, nearly all my friends wanted a 2 year gap between their kids and it worked out for them. I wouldn't have been ready then and so waited till she was 4 before trying again but unfortunately never managed to have a second child. Neither of you are being ridiculous. How about somewhere in between 2yr and 4yrs ie 3yrs?!

Tangointhenight · 23/05/2012 22:58

OP glad you posted this, its been great reading the replies. My DD is nearly 8months, and the thought of ever having another scares me to death. But I do want her to have a sibling, my gut feeling is to start trying when she's 3 the way her birthday falls she will be nearly 5 when she's at school, so I will be going back to work after mat leave and she will be in school, meaning my mum will still only have one baby to look after. Plus she will still he at home with me when DC2 is born and going to nursery school a few mornings perhaps.

You would think is thought this through lol, it means I only have 2 years and 4 months to prepare psychologically for another baby! Yikes!

lurkerspeaks · 23/05/2012 23:32

My sibs and I have 4 year age gaps. I'm not convinced it is a good gap because as others have said we were always at different developmental points - I was at University before my youngest sibling left primary school - v. hard to forge a close bond.

It is better now we are adults but I do still feel very divorced from the manic young professional scene the youngest occupies. In turn they can't get their head round my stable job, mortgage and obsession with my pension.

PeppermintLatte · 23/05/2012 23:53

I have a psychologist friend who says that more than 4 years apart and they will never bond.

are you sure he/she is qualified?

there's 6 years to the month between my sister and i and we have a very strong bond. i'd kill for her. she adores my DD and is a big help. we are not best friends and we don't tell eachother all of our secrets but we have a laugh together, go shopping together, help eachother out etc.. although we have our moments when clash and argue. i honestly believe it is based on personality and how you are brought up.

skybluepearl · 23/05/2012 23:56

I have 3. Threres a five year gap between the first two and a three year gap between the second and third. Both gaps have worked really well. When number 2 arrived, my eldest was always able to tell me if he needed more attention without being badly behaved. Eldest really enjoyed school and had lots of my attention when he got home.

The three year gap worked really well too and is the gap some psychologists recommend as it allows the eldest to have a full babyhood without having to be the big sibling.

One of my kids would have really coped with a two year gap, while the other one wouldn't have. I think you will know when the time is right I'm sure.

skybluepearl · 24/05/2012 00:06

I think they say more then 7 years and it's like having two only children. I can't imagine it's true though.

My 9 and 4 year old play lots together by the way - camping, zoos, the elder child reads to the younger child, the younger child helps the older child with jobs and so on. They both adore the 1 year old.

The baby toddler combo can be hard going for a bit I know. Seems a bit like having two puppies at once. I think that makes it harder to have good discipline.

Knowing what I know and who I know now, I'd pluck for three years between each.

modigliani · 24/05/2012 01:12

My first two are just 16 months apart, number 3 came after they were both at school. The closer age gap was much much easier and much more fun. No school runs and no jealousy!

molly3478 · 24/05/2012 07:38

Me and my brother are 4 years apart we go clubbing and drinking together all the time, concerts, festivals, shopping etc. He and my DH are best friends. There arent many things that we do where my brother isnt with us.

I have replicated the same age gap for that reason and have a 4 year old and a 6 week old. From a mums perspective as opposed to a sibling the great thing about it so far is its so easy. I dont think we have had a single stressful moment so far its so laidback.

Happenstance · 24/05/2012 07:47

2.5 years between my 2 older DD not great at first but she is getting there.

Oddly there are 2.5 years between Dp and Bil and they do not get on at all, 7 years between me and DBro and we get on really well and are very close.

there is no right or wrong answer.

sheoneill · 24/05/2012 08:20

Just to add - I have dd and ds - 18 months apart. The cons - 2 babies is hard (2 sets of nappies, 1 newborn, 1 toddler tantrums) 1st year or 2 was exhausting but I'm a SAHM so was lucky not to worry about childcare and work - if you need to go back to work something to consider.

The pros - I couldn't imagine loving anyone as much as dd but when my ds came along it really did feel the family was complete and I loved them both just as much. Dd is a child who really needed a playmate and they are the best of friends - always have been - they supported each other when we moved abroad, always looking out for each other. They are now 10 and 11 and things are really easy - we can go to the waterpark/beach and they amuse themselves. Not to say we don't have probs girl vs boy stuff (what dvds to watch, football vs skating).
Lots to consider - don't rush into anthing if you're not sure - but I now love that they are so close. However, my son's 1st year is clouded by my memory of exhaustion and the real adjustment to the family (I would say more than the adjustment to having my dd). Hope I've been of some help.

LittleWhiteWolf · 24/05/2012 08:33

I have a 2.10 DD and 6 week DS. Its hard, but its working. DD is at nursery for 1 full day and then another 3 half days so I get most mornings to be with DS while DD has a blast with her friends. DD is very proud of her brother and loves showing him off, she's also very helpful at home with him. The hardest times are evenings/nights when DH is working on call.

We lost two babies between DD and DS so the age gaps would have been 2.2 or 2.5, which would also have been hard, but wonderful. You'll manage whatever the gap.

Whatnamethistime · 24/05/2012 08:40

Every parent worries about not loving dc2 as much as dc1 - I promise you you will, I am expecting DC4 and I can tell you love grows to fit your family - everyone is adored.

The youngest 2 play beautifully together - there is less than 2 years between them.

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