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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask DH not to have an operation during his paternity leave?

63 replies

AugustMoon · 22/05/2012 18:33

Just that really, DH is planning to take 2 weeks paternity leave but has said that, so as to avoid taking further time off work he's going to have an operation during this time - on his throat for snoring/sleep apnea (sp): tonsils out, and some other stuff. Doctor says it's extremely painful and he'd need to take 2 weeks off work. AIBU to think that he shouldn't be using his paternity leave for this? I'd kind of like him compus mentus to support me, having just given birth and to do his fair share of childcare (this is DS3).

OP posts:
amothersplaceisinthewrong · 22/05/2012 18:37

Would he be paid sick pay for the two weeks needed for the operation? Do you need the money? On the face of it I'd say he should not use the Paternitly Leave for this as you would have a fourth person to care for. Tonsils out in an adult IS very painful - my sister had this done aged 30 and was really ill and needed to be looked after by my Mum for about two weeks.

youarehere · 22/05/2012 18:46

Depends would he be given paid sick leave. If he wouldn't can you afford it. If he doesn't get paid/ can't afford it, then yabu. If its paid sick/ you definitely can afford it yanbu.

igggi · 22/05/2012 18:46

That sounds really rubbish. Unless his work is very precarious (eg about to make redundancies) then he should be off twice instead. If he won't, he should call a spade a spade- he is NOT taking paternity leave.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 22/05/2012 18:48

YANBU your dh is selfish beyond belief

youarehere · 22/05/2012 18:48

Also how does he know he will be able to sceheule it for the right day?

MerylStrop · 22/05/2012 18:49

It's a terrible idea

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 22/05/2012 18:49

who is gonna pick him up from the hospital? who is gonna look after him?

Yeah thats right. You.

Original poster
AugustMoon · 22/05/2012 18:52

He'd get paid sick leave but a large proportion of his salary is commission based so we'd be a bit worse off. I think it's more that he doesn't want to take any sick leave. Or that he sees the paternity leave as a waste of time and wants kill 2 birds with one stone so to speak!

OP posts:
Original poster
AugustMoon · 22/05/2012 18:54

youarehere I'm being induced at 37 weeks due to a previous loss.

OP posts:
EmmaCate · 22/05/2012 18:55

I would feel aggrieved too, but if your DH is anything like mine, taking time off work is a stress in itself and would make him objectionable to live with if I protested.

I would perhaps approach it from the perspective of 'You can do this, as long as you understand I will still expect you to look after 1&2 in the day and support me during the night'. I don't know the extent to which pain would get in the way of that. You can push through to a degree, but at home this isn't something I've seen in many men.

Not wanting to be sensationalist about it but I also think there's more risk of PND if you are not suitably supported. My DM got it with DD3 - me and DD2 were 10 and 8yrs - and my Dad was often home late. I asked her about it later and she said words to the effect of 'it felt like I had to do everything with little support; it all got on top of me and I broke'.

On the whole I think YANBU but it may be worth asking him how bad it would be if he did take four weeks.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 22/05/2012 18:55

Sorry but its a ridiculus idea. what on earth does he plan to do if you become indisposed due to complications in childbirth?

blueglue · 22/05/2012 18:56

He will need looking after if he has this op. You will presumably have 2 little DC AND a newborn to look after, AND him Hmm. Selfish of him IMO.

Are you able to get a grandparent(s) to stay with you if he goes ahead and does this? Or any other sort of help?

TiddlesTheNaughtyTortoise · 22/05/2012 18:56

what a selfish arse he is!

No YADNBU

cocolepew · 22/05/2012 18:57

Like someone said getting your tonsils out as an adult is hideous. He'll be no use to anyone for at least a week after.

Original poster
AugustMoon · 22/05/2012 18:58

Thanks EmmaCate - that's good advice

OP posts:
youarehere · 22/05/2012 19:01

What I mean is how does he know he can have it that day, is he planning on not being at the birth then.

blondieminx · 22/05/2012 19:01

YANBU

The point of paternity leave is to enjoy the newborn baby snuggles - not to give his DW a patient to look after, in addition to a newborn and your existing DC's!

On the other hand if his snoring as acresult of the sleep apnea/tonsils is that bad it might be worth getting it sorted at the same time so you don't get woken up alternately by his snoring and the newborn baby....

eosmum · 22/05/2012 19:02

YANBU he's being ridiculous a tonsillectomy in an adult can be very debilitating, risk of infection, bleeding etc. who does he think will look after him if he has problems. Who is going to look after you if you have problems?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 22/05/2012 19:03

youarehere i pressume he is going private

youarehere · 22/05/2012 19:03

Why doesn't he want to take sick, is he position under pressure, does he get a large bonus for not phoning in sick? When you say worse off, is it worse off or won't be able to pay bills? There is alot to consider

WhenDoISleep · 22/05/2012 19:05

Does he have a plan in the event that the delivery is not straightforward? If you end up having a c-section?

Would he cancel his op in that case or would he expect you to do more than you should to care for the older DC and him instead of concentrating on your newborn and recovery?

When does he propose to have his op?

ibuyjaffacakesnow · 22/05/2012 19:07

Did he support you in his last paternity leaves?

Smellslikecatspee · 22/05/2012 19:08

I had a tonsils out as an adult.

I've since had gallstone attacks and them removed as well as various other ailments & procedures.

Post op tonsils is in the top 3

Oogaballoo · 22/05/2012 19:10

I think there is a danger of it causing a lot of anger and resentment if he does this and is then, by choice, incapacitated just after you have given birth. It won't be good for you or your relationship and I wouldn't agree to it unless it was absolutely necessarily (as in, his job is tenuous and the time off could single him out when it came to letting people go, or other financial reasons people have mentioned).

I think you both need to sit down and talk about the fact that both of you could experience complications because of your procedures and the best case scenario will be that you are both in pain/exhausted and not in much of a state to take care of the other.

TruthSweet · 22/05/2012 19:12

It sounds like he'll not qualify for pat. leave if he's going to use it for an operation as per Directgov - 'To qualify for Ordinary Paternity Leave you must be an employee. You must be taking the time off to support the mother or carer for the baby and intend to be fully involved in their upbringing. '

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