to ask DH not to have an operation during his paternity leave?

[AugustMoon]

Just that really, DH is planning to take 2 weeks paternity leave but has said that, so as to avoid taking further time off work he's going to have an operation during this time - on his throat for snoring/sleep apnea (sp): tonsils out, and some other stuff. Doctor says it's extremely painful and he'd need to take 2 weeks off work. AIBU to think that he shouldn't be using his paternity leave for this? I'd kind of like him compus mentus to support me, having just given birth and to do his fair share of childcare (this is DS3).

OP, you need to question the shaving part of the procedure. It is incredibly painful, can take along time to get over and in the long term has been shown that it doesnt always improve matters and can sometimes make them worse. Thats why my sister didnt have it, she wasnt going to go through a very painful recovery, only to end up worse than when she started. Also, it can work for a while but then revert back so I would really be questioning whether it is worth it.

could you get a second opinion? Has he tried the breathing machine (cant remember what it is called) that you use while sleeping?

shaving hasn't really worked for my dad so far, though they say it can take up to 6 months to see a difference. he still snores, it just sounds different!

My DH didn't take paternity leave, but at least he was fully functioning whilst he wasn't at work. If your DH is on painkillers, and you're recovering from the birth, neither of you will be able to drive - which would have been a real problem for us. At least with DH at work most of the day, he could nip out to the supermarket in the evenings.

It sounds to me as though with your husband at home recovering you will be worse than a man short.

YANBU. It isn't just taht we won't be able to look after your other children or support you in any other way, it's that he will require you to take care of him. He either really hasn't thought this through or he is a selfish idiot.

When I had DS1 DH took a week's annual leave to 'help me'. He spent the whole time doing DIY and so was about as much help as a chocolate tea pot. He did exactly the same thing after I had a major operation last year and I still have quite a lot of resentment about it. DH honestly has no clue and we ended up havign major rows about it because he thought he was helping by getting 'vital' jobs done around the house, while my idea of him helping was looking after DS1 and amkign sure I got something to eat instead of heading off to B&Q for an hour a day. This time round (DC2 due October) I will be writing down exactly what 'jobs' he will need to do during his paternity leave so that there is no room for misunderstanding or DIY.

*Yes, his GP may have already told him. But samandi I'll wager that your ex was also told he'd need some recuperation time, and you're saying he still thought he'd be able to go out the next night.

I'm just saying that rather than assuming he's being selfish, I'd suggest that he's more likely worried about the extra time off and finances, and simply being unrealistic and expecting to be able to handle the post op with a few ice pops and some paracetamol. Not wise, but not necessarily selfish.*

Yes, I agree! :-) Just using my experience as another example of woefully unrealistic thinking. In my case he didn't tell me he was warned about recuperation time, which wasn't particularly helpful.

I'm still not sure about the legality of using paternity leave as sick leave, particularly when he has been warned in advance that he will need recovery time.

OP - I've had my tonsils out as an adult and, really, it would be utter madness for him to consider this during paternity leave. I was in hospital overnight, released the next day and readmitted the day after with a massive infection; my mum ended up having to move in with me for 2 weeks as I was so ill and I ended up being off work for over 3wks. Not only would he be useless to you and your childred, but he would also require looking after himself (even if the operation is straight forward.

Quote from Direct.gov
Ordinary Paternity Leave entitlement

To qualify for Ordinary Paternity Leave you must be an employee. You must be taking the time off to support the mother or carer for the baby and intend to be fully involved in their upbringing. Rights to Ordinary Paternity Leave are extra to your normal holiday allowance.

I am not sure that having your tonsils out qualifies as taking time off to support the mother or carer for the baby...

Oops, children not childred. I cannot even blame sausage fingers for that typo

Yanbu. What a crazy idea. You could end up with a csection.
I am in a position at the moment where dh thinks he only needs to take 3 days off work. So essentially I will probably be on my own with 3 dc upon discharge from hospital.
This is bad enough but having to look after an adult aswell. Does not bear thinking about.

YANBU - Tonsilectomies can take a long time to recover from. Also he will be advised to rest at home away from other people (except the people you live with) for the first week due to risk of infection. So no visitors to your home during that time. He will not be able to just pop to the supermarket in that time if you run out of essentials, so you would have to rely on kind family or friends.
Also recovery can be painful, and he will need to be on pain relief for the first few days. I know of a few children who needed oral morphine for the pain - and it tends to be more painful for adults (though not always).
Your DH needs to realise that this op is not a walk in the park, and he will be out of action for at least the first few days post op.
He needs to be supporting you after the birth of your child, especially with it being a c-section. He won't be able to visit you in hospital if he has the op before baby comes, or he will risk getting an infection from the other visitors/mums on the unit.

• sorry thought you said you were having a c- section, not being induced. Even so he wouldn't be able to be there for the birth. If he has it after the birth he will still need to take some time off work as sick leave.

I think this is a daft idea. While I can see that from one perspective he probably thinks he's being 'practical', as he's seeing this as free extra holiday and a chance to get the op done without burning up AL, he may have underestimated the pain he'll be in.

I remember when DP had to have one of his front teeth out. Initially he said he'd drive himself to the dentist, and only reluctantly agreed that I should take him. On the day he was shaking and weeping with the pain when he came out, and was in a state of shock for a while. He was very, very glad that I was driving as he said he'd completely underestimated how he'd feel.

I think your DH just isn't thinking this through clearly and probably imagines he'll just have a bit of a sore throat for a day or so.

August, can you frame this in financial terms to persuade your husband ?

Find out the cost of a doula / nanny / home help to support you at the birth and after, as DH would be unable to.

If DH needs any looking after -which he will - that would have to be paid for too as you won't be in a position to run round after him, new born and your older DC will take up all your time.

It should become clear that this is likely to cost you more than lost bonus if he takes proper sick leave.

Haven't read through everything but wanted to say that having your tonsils out as an adult is very serious as your body's immune system reacts to it. Don't know the full reasons but I was really, really ill. He will need looking after. It's a very, very bad idea.