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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask DH not to have an operation during his paternity leave?

63 replies

AugustMoon · 22/05/2012 18:33

Just that really, DH is planning to take 2 weeks paternity leave but has said that, so as to avoid taking further time off work he's going to have an operation during this time - on his throat for snoring/sleep apnea (sp): tonsils out, and some other stuff. Doctor says it's extremely painful and he'd need to take 2 weeks off work. AIBU to think that he shouldn't be using his paternity leave for this? I'd kind of like him compus mentus to support me, having just given birth and to do his fair share of childcare (this is DS3).

OP posts:

LunaticFringe · 22/05/2012 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarySA · 22/05/2012 19:18

Well on the face of it, it does seem a bit unreasonable in case he is not well and needs looking after. My DH was a bit useless on paternity leave to be honest. It just made me more irritable. And I was glad when he went back to work. But you don't need the extra stress of a partner who might be feeling not well at all.

rookiemater · 22/05/2012 19:50

This sounds like my DH who scheduled major building works because I was home recovering from an operation so could keep an eye on them.

YANBU. He'd be better off not taking his paternity leave and taking 2 weeks off before you give birth to get the operation out of the way.

missdeelite · 22/05/2012 19:52

Terrible idea! You will need him more than ever, he will really be suffering (he's a man, it's worse for them) and it will be like having another child to look after! He should use that time to look after you! Having a baby is a pretty big deal. Just had my third and was absolutely wiped for a weak after and that wasn't even a CS! Good luck (smile)

MadamFolly · 22/05/2012 20:08

YANBU, you will end up being expected to act as his personal slave. Very selfish of him.

Catsdontcare · 22/05/2012 20:12

I had my tonsils out as an adult I assure you he will be absolutely good for nothing post op. new baby and dh post tonsillectomy madness!!!

bogeyface · 22/05/2012 20:53

Tonsils out is the least of it. If the "Other things" is a uvula and soft palate shave (I think its called that, thats what my sister called it anyway when she was considering having it done) then it makes childbirth feel like a birthday party. It is well known as being incredibly painful afterwards which is why it is only done as a last resort. He will be on morphine type painkillers so will be out of it too.

He will be in a bad way afterwards and to expect you to be there for him days after giving birth is one of the most selfish things he can do.

I would not be having a chat, I would be having a blazing row

skybluepearl · 22/05/2012 22:37

He wants to miss the first two weeks of your babies life and not support you at a very vulnerable time when he should be bending over backwards to look after you. He has no idea what your birth will be like, what your birth recovery will be like, whether you will get PND, if you will be getting any sleep at all, if you will be struggling with breast feeding etc. Just when he should be looking after you, he expects you to look after him. What a selfish man. I would probably stay elsewhere with my baby and supportive people or send him to his mothers if he insisted on the op. It's the sort of thing that could upset you for a long time, those first few weeks are so important.

sashh · 23/05/2012 05:56

He CAN'T have the op. Pat leave is just that, it is for him to help you with baby. If he doesn't want to phonein sick then let him take 2 weeks anual leave.

Inertia · 23/05/2012 06:52

It goes beyond the issue of whether he should - it only qualifies as paternity leave if he is supporting the mother of the baby. If he books an op in this time, would he then be facing having to repay paternity pay and answering to HR at work ?

He should be genuinely using his paternity leave to support you and the children , and taking sick leave for the op.

xkcdfangirl · 23/05/2012 07:06

YANBU - he really must not do this. What needs to be said has been said by others before so I'm just adding my voice to the crowd. You do not need a doped-up-on-painkillers extra patient in the house, and he should not expect it of you.

I think the only way he could reasonably do this would be if he paid for 24hour help in the house for those 2 weeks - e.g. a doula or temporary day&night nannies. However, that's not really the best solution. You need that support and most of mumsnet seems to agree that the best person to give it to you is your DH, who shouldn't be wanting to miss the first 2 weeks of his new child's life in this way.

A relative of mine used his 2 weeks paternity leave as finishing-the-DIY-on-the-old-flat-so-we-can-let-it-out leave which the whole family considered to be extremely unreasonable and his DW had a very difficult time of it in his absence.

samandi · 23/05/2012 08:06

It sounds somewhat fradulent to be using paternity leave - which is granted to men to support their partners and newborns - for his own operation/sick leave.

It's obviously inconsiderate, and if you don't want him to do so I think your feelings should trump his here.

QuintessentialShadows · 23/05/2012 08:10

Goodness me if my dh did that, I would pack him off to a hotel for his recovery to be out of my way... He is incredibly selfish.

McHappyPants2012 · 23/05/2012 08:22

yanbu PL is to support the mother and bond with his NB baby.

Triggles · 23/05/2012 08:23

You've said that taking time off work is stressful for him, and you know financially the extra 2 weeks will hit you a bit financially. It doesn't sound like he's actually TOLD you that he thinks paternity leave is a waste of time (because you said "maybe he thinks that...").

So perhaps... he simply made an error in judgement. He's probably thinking that if children can get through tonsils out easily, then surely a grown man can. He's also probably thinking this will ease the financial burden, which would reduce the stress on both of you. And that he'd be home to help out with the baby, as he thinks he'll feel okay, other than maybe a sore throat.

Obviously not saying he's necessarily correct. Just saying there's a huge possibility that is what he is thinking. I guarantee you that my DH might entertain the same thing, thinking he is killing two birds with one stone, reducing the financial worry, and still being there to help with the children.

I'd say rather than automatically assume he's being selfish, sit down with him and explain that adults getting their tonsils out are often much more uncomfortable post op than children, and that he's unlikely to feel well enough to help out. Tell him you understand the financial implications but that you're willing to sit down with him and discuss how you can alleviate it so he doesn't feel so pressured about taking the extra two weeks off for his operation. I imagine with another child in the house, he may be really feeling the pressure financially as well.

Just a thought.

samandi · 23/05/2012 09:28

That's a very well balanced post Triggles, and worth looking at from that angle.

Although, the guy's GP did already tell him it would be painful and he would need two weeks off.

My ex had an operation on his sinuses and he thought he would be able to go out the next night. Actually, I ended up having to take two weeks off to look after him because he needed constant care. Sometimes it is easy to think you will be able to handle any amount of pain or discomfort, or recover more quickly than other people. In reality, it's very difficult to tell beforehand but you should plan for the worst scenario not the best.

Triggles · 23/05/2012 09:34

Yes, his GP may have already told him. But samandi I'll wager that your ex was also told he'd need some recuperation time, and you're saying he still thought he'd be able to go out the next night.

I'm just saying that rather than assuming he's being selfish, I'd suggest that he's more likely worried about the extra time off and finances, and simply being unrealistic and expecting to be able to handle the post op with a few ice pops and some paracetamol. Not wise, but not necessarily selfish.

Longdistance · 23/05/2012 09:39

I'm with Oogaballoo on the resent thing. My dh took 'paternity leave' worked from home, and it was a shitemare, as he had to go in to work a few times leaving me on my own. The 1st time was bad with dd1 was as she was a difficult baby, but then he did the same for dd2's birth. Am still resenting him, as he hardly helped, and roped in his mum 2 help. And it's not like we couldn't afford him to have the time off, the greedy sod!
Your dh is being very selfish, as he'll need looking after too. If you end up with a cs, then you'll be out for a good few weeks.
Tell him now, don't ask him, tell him. That was my mistake!

Original poster

AugustMoon · 23/05/2012 09:41

triggles I think you're right, he's not intending to be selfish - he just hasn't really thought it through and thinks he'll be fine. And I know he just wants to make the best use of his time as he hates being away from the office plus he clearly has zero memory of what it's like to have a newborn!
It's good to get some feedback from those who've had experience of this op - can't remember who said but yes it is the uvula/ soft palate shave thing so seems like he's massively underestimating how big a deal it will be. Turns out he's 'asked' if it can be around that time and as it's on the nhs it's highly unlikely that's when he'll actually get a date for it so I've said there's no point arguing about it until we have a date.
Thanks all for reassuring me I'm not BU!

OP posts:

MooBaaWoofCheep · 23/05/2012 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

conorsrockers · 23/05/2012 11:44

I can see his point - how much help do YOU need?? (I mean you specifically, not women generally!). Personally, my husband didn't take paternity leave (self employed) for any of our three and it was not a problem. But everyone's different....
I suppose it really depends on you and the birth experience you have - can he not schedule for a week after (or before) the birth and then at least he'll be good for the crucial bit.

ChopstheScarletduck · 23/05/2012 11:47

My dad had that op recently. He was very sore for a while after, def needed at least a week off work. Your dh isn't going to be up to childcare, he needs to have it done at another time. Surely the last thing he needs too, is to be feeling sore and unwell himself while their is a newborn in the house.

Triggles · 23/05/2012 11:52

FWIW, I fed the basic scenario to DH to see his thoughts on it. His response? "Hey, well done him - he can have the operation, help out with the baby afterwards, and not have to take the extra time off work, so no money lost!"

I'm telling you... it's male logic, that's all. He thinks he's organised it well. When I asked DH how long he thought it would take to get over the operation, he said "a day or two, because kids have it all the time and it's supposed to be minor."

When I explained to him that it might take quite a bit longer to recuperate, so he might not be able to help with the baby, DH realised it wasn't such a great plan.

I think you just need to talk about it and explain it a bit clearer, so he realises how it could be a problem.

lancelottie · 23/05/2012 12:00

It's not even, really, a question of whether you need his help with the baby and older children (old gimmer here, so DH didn't have any paternity leave at all).

It's the fact that it's the worst possible time he could pick to be incapacitated himself, as you are very much unavailable to look after him.

Ithinkitsjustme · 23/05/2012 12:00

Paternity leave doesn't need to be taken the minute the baby is born, why can't he schedule the op for a month later and if he doesn't need to take the paternity leave to help you out he can take it then and if you do need his help and support during that 2 weeks he can take sick leave? I know that it's nice to have him around anyway, but in fairness lots of mums do not have that option and if money is an issue then it could be an option.

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