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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to expect a separate birthday card for each of my twins

100 replies

foodgetinmabelly · 22/05/2012 18:27

they are in fact two separate people, we have a certain relative that sends a joint card every year (DT's are now 6) Now I wouldn't mind if the birthday was not remembered by them and don't in anyway expect a card but a joint one ...seriously!

OP posts:

xkcdfangirl · 22/05/2012 20:53

YABU if it's someone distant enough that it would be forgivable to send nothing, which you say it is. In this case, it is up to them what they feel inspired to send and you should not (not teach your offspring to) have such a sense of entitlement.

If it were someone closer than that, e.g. a grandparent, then it's perfectly reasonable to expect and encourage separate cards and presents.

Flicktheswitch · 22/05/2012 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Firawla · 22/05/2012 20:55

I don't think its a big deal. However, everyone used to send a card each for me and my sister (we are id twins) but sometimes joint presents, but i dont think i would have been too bothered by joint card if it did happen

tyaca · 22/05/2012 21:11

out of interest, did either of your kids notice or mind?

i echo the thoughts of other posters here, surely their sense of individual identity has more to do with the way they are raised than the existence of one joint birthday card.

i think unless you've been close to the parents of twins then it would be hard to anticipate your feelings on this one. i've never sent birthday cards to twins before, so don't know what i'd have done before reading this thread. But I would be really upset if mum took great offence just cause i made a bit of a mistake.

I have taken note for future twin birthdays, prob would have sent two cards anyway, but think you're being quite off to be so negative about what was essentially a kind gesture.

raindropsinmyhair · 22/05/2012 22:05

Practically everyone refers to mine as 'the twins' when asking after them- it's always 'how are the twins?' instead how are 'hisname and hername'. I don't mind too much- my husband and I do sometimes say 'the twins' ourselves but it would be nice if people would sometimes use their lovely names! As long as they actually use their names when speaking to them I will be happy.

Booette · 22/05/2012 22:09

YABU imo. I don't like my two being called "the twins" as they have names, and no one calls my other 3 "the singleton" but joint cards or joint presents are perfectly fine by me.

In fact, their birthday was last week and I got them one card for both of them from their brothers (though me & DH got them a card each) And I don't give a shit if they get joint presents, I buy them joint presents all the time. They ask for them as well (they got a box set of Roald Dahl books for their birthday, I don't think they need one each)

MERLYPUSS · 22/05/2012 22:23

I HATE it. My SIL even bought them a football set to share with one set of shin pads and 1 pr socks. I sent her birthday card with her husband's name on it too as i was so pissed off after telling her the year before togive separte cards or one thinks he heas not got one.
BTW my boys send separate cards to relations and friends ( cheap or HM) as they love writing them out and handing them over.

EllenParsons · 22/05/2012 22:29

YABU

I am a twin and I think you're making a fuss out of nothing. It would not bother me at all.

Booette · 22/05/2012 22:31

MERLYPUSS yes, that would annoy me. Although with my sense of humour I'd probably make them put one sock and shin pad on each and take a photo of them! and send it in the thank you letter.

McHappyPants2012 · 22/05/2012 22:33

i think some joint gifts are fine, like it pointless having 2 slides or joint trampaline.

but why not get 2 cards, they are cheap enought in card factory its 7 for £1

op yanbu

AdoraBell · 22/05/2012 22:34

NBU at all, I also have twins and got really annoyed when MIL gave them 1 card. I woudn't cut a card in half and send half each to her and her sister at different times of the year

mum23girlys · 22/05/2012 22:42

Do you send separate cards from both your twins if for example they were both invited to the same birthday party?

My twin dds are 6 also and it used to annoy me when they got joint invites, cards etc as I always send them both with a gift each and a card each to a party if they were both invited. Stopped doing this after I threw a party for their 5th birthday and they got quite a few joint gifts as presents. Even presents that weren't really able to be shared like a knit your own bag with only enough stuff inside to knit 1 bag! Someone even gave them a joint card with a £5 note inside. People just don't think I reckon

It is annoying because they are individuals but not really much you can do. My dds are total opposites and don't even really like the same things and would never wear the same style of clothes yet my mil insists on buying them lovely matching outfits. They don't even look like sisters nevermind twins

mum23girlys · 22/05/2012 22:48

Just to add sometimes we get the girls joint presents because it's something huge like a trampoline . Bad enough having 1 of them in the garden!

Also ourselves and grandparents often buy a joint gift at Christmas and Birthdays as then they can get a more expensive gift that they actually want. Wouldn't buy them 1 pair of jeans and expect them to share but just the same I wouldn't buy 2 shoots or seesaws iyswim

OddBoots · 23/05/2012 07:11

It wouldn't occur to me to send them a shared card but I would put both cards (with their envelopes) into an envelope together to post - for the reason browneyesblue said a worry that only one would arrive.

Buckingfiatch · 23/05/2012 07:40

DP's cousins are twins. Now 3 years old. The first (and maybe second) birthdays, I got them a joint card but separate presents. Hardly like at that young age they are really going to know/understand. Now I do send both separate cards and gifts.

I get the whole treating them as individuals, but really? Over a card? Who someone tried to do a thoughtful thing? DP's Aunt used to feel so touched whenever anyone put in a thought and bought them anything be that individual or shared.

Triggles · 23/05/2012 08:30

I think now with the price of cards and the price of postage, it's a bit U to EXPECT it. Nice if someone can afford it and would like to. But I am firmly in the "be grateful they acknowledged the birthday and sent a card at all" camp.

Complaining about a joint card or gift IMO is along the same lines as complaining that you didn't get what you wanted for a present. It seems rude.

sayonaragirl · 23/05/2012 08:39

My family and friends send separate cards but my twins are only three and not that bothered. I used to worry about posting presents. Whether to send one gift or two but we have three kids now so I send one present from all of them.

Floggingmolly · 23/05/2012 08:52

Yes, YABU. And to the poster who demanded seperate birthday and Christmas presents for her Christmas born twins... words fail me.
The entitlement!

Original poster

foodgetinmabelly · 23/05/2012 08:58

some people are obviously not reading the full thread... my children are brought up as individuals and i dont think them getting a joint card will create identity issues i just think it would be nice for them to be identified as individuals on their birthday by others if they are going to get them a card. i buy cards from the value section as like other posters i am not big on cards, these can cost less than 50p so i dont think expense is an issue more common sense. i just thought if you were going to send them you would send one each.

my children dont have an issue at all with it as they are only 6 (they may do when they get older) and they are more interested in presents as are most 6 year olds ,i would never make it an issue in front of them either.
i will again reiterate that i am not making a big deal just a lighthearted question and i will go about my day with no other thought on the matter (except when i come bk to read replies on here)

my children have been to a few joint parties (some twins, some not)and i have given a present for each child and a card.To answer someones question i would not send a present from each of my children if they went to a party but i would spend extra as the host is paying for 2 of my children to attend this is the same in that i wouldnt expect a present each off siblings that were coming to my childrens party.

Cards are generally sent from more than one person and i wouldnt expect a card off each individual family member for each of my children, that would just be silly

OP posts:

jubilucket · 23/05/2012 08:59

My ddtwins - now 13 - are very different in appearance which helps remind everyone they are two individuals, but I've always been relaxed about it when people give joint gifts/cards. Luckily we've never had a joint gift that couldn't be shared in use, in fact over the years most people have been brilliant about ringing up and running their suggested present past me first.
When the girls went to someone else's party, they always made a card each but usually took one gift between them, but I normally spent about twice as much as the playground average at the time so their gift would be a good one IYSWIM.

Threeprinces · 23/05/2012 09:09

So food, am I right in thinking you expect/hope for individual cards to be given to your twins yet you send joint cards from them?

Both my DSs have twins in their class at school and I've always insisted on sending individual Xmas cards etc but then my DSs each receive one Xmas card jointly from both twins a & b. It just seems a real contradiction to me??

DogEared · 23/05/2012 09:11

I never knew this was an issue- Thankfully I have given separate cards and gifts when my friends' DTs have had birthdays.
To be honest, I think YABU.

ENormaSnob · 23/05/2012 09:19

Do you give others a card and a gift from each child?

Triggles · 23/05/2012 09:28

To be fair, you are posting in AIBU. If you wanted everyone to agree with you, then don't post in AIBU.

Secondly, to YOU the cost might not be an issue. But to some it MIGHT. You've noticed, of course, that we are in a bit of a recession right now. Some people are out of work, don't have a lot of money? The extra card and postage might not be a lot to you, but to some people it IS a lot extra. Don't be so dismissive.

The fact that you are fully prepared to ignore that it's an extra cost for some that might not be able to afford it, or that you are obviously annoyed that some don't agree with you, is pretty telling IMO. For someone that said it was a lighthearted question, your OP sounded a bit more like a rant than "lighthearted." Hopefully your children are a bit more gracious.

Triggles · 23/05/2012 09:30

Seems a bit of a double standard to me. You can give a joint card/gift FROM the children, but you don't want people to give them a joint card/gift.

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