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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to give details of dd's biological father to the CSA?

54 replies

mumofjust1 · 21/05/2012 23:04

Bit of background:

He was a violent, abusive bastard. Did all sorts to me.

DD's dad left when i got pregnant, threatened to make sure i lost the pregnancy, came back after she was born and left 2 weeks before her first christmas. No call, not nothing. left saying he would ring, never saw or heard from him again.

Found him a couple of times, he didn't want to know. Tried to stay in touch with his family for dd's sake, they didnt want to know. so i thought fuck it and gave up after 7 years of practically begging them to acknowledge her.

One day a random girl was outside my house and stopped me. She knew me she said, i didnt know her but she was with dd's dad, had a daughter with him and was pregnant with another one. So dd has 2 half sisters she doesn't know about. He was violent and abusive to her too. Again, tried to keep in touch with her, it didn't happen.

He left her and her girls, hitched up with someone who had 2 kids from a previous relationship, and had another daughter with her. So, 3 mums, 4 kids.

He has never paid me a penny. Never. CSA say he has been ordered to pay me nothing. hes not working or on benefits according to them. He is in arrears almost £14,000

Wanker.

I have just found out that he owns some kind of property services, deals in spanish villas so isn't destitute by any means, but is somehow dodging the CSA.

Do I give them his address, phone number and business details?

Sorry this is a bit of a ramble - shocked and angry in equal measures for various reasons.

OP posts:

DaenerysTargaryen · 21/05/2012 23:06

Yes, you should.

McHappyPants2012 · 21/05/2012 23:10

Given that he was violent And abusive I would not take a penny from him.

Move on you don't need this tosser in yours and DD life, I always say be careful as if he is forced to pay and has a history of abuse there is no stopping him going to court for access ( unless you have evidence of the crimes he committed to you )

splashymcsplash · 21/05/2012 23:12

Why are you asking us here? Of course you should pursue him for maintenance, though of course don't rely on getting anything given how effective the CSA are.

If he has shown know interest so far, I doubt he will once he is paying, so I wouldn't worry about that mchappypants

This isn't your money, it's your dd's. She deserves it.

TwoIfBySea · 21/05/2012 23:15

Yes, you should as he owes all of the children not just your dc. It doesn't automatically give him any rights over your dc and by his past behaviour he would find it very hard to gain any sort of unaccompanied access.

He doesn't want to know. Doesn't mean he shouldn't help pay for the children he brought into the world regardless of circumstances.

This isn't anti-dad it's anti-crap dads. A real man doesn't shirk from his responsibilities.

IWishIWasSheRa · 21/05/2012 23:15

Absolutely! You are not being vindictive you are being fair. Given his abusive nature I would advise you to be confident in your anonymity- would anyone recognise that you are the only one privy to this information? I would also notify hm revenue too- they seem to be quicker at chasing money than the CSA!! Good luck and you sound like a saint regarding your previous attempts to keep in touch :)

McHappyPants2012 · 21/05/2012 23:18

But the courts can order supervise contact in a cafcass type play areas

McHappyPants2012 · 21/05/2012 23:21

And from close experience if the mother do not go then she is seen as the bad guy.

This man is violent and abusive and knows how to dodge CSA and the tax man so I would not put any thing past him

Original poster

mumofjust1 · 21/05/2012 23:24

twoifbysea - spot on - i know that the girl he had 2 kids with was persuing a claim with the CSA but we lost contact before i found out what happened.

Im guessing that if he hasn't paid anything for my dd he probably wont have paid for hers and he should - for the 3 kids i know about and any others that i don't.

It's not that I want the money myself at all - i wouldnt want a single thing from him. IF the CSA managed to get him to pay me anything, it would go straight into dd's savings account.

iwishiwasshera - thanks - i did it for dd's sake. i thought that regardless of how much of a cunt he was, she shouldn't be denied the chance to get to know any of his family members. I also never wanted him to be able to say that I stopped him/his family from keeping in touch. I know that I did my best, my concience is clear.

OP posts:

quiplite · 21/05/2012 23:27

A friend handed her abusive ex-p's details to the CSA after he had nothing to do with them for 3 years. She is currently battling him in court over his access demands.

Your ex is a bastard and you and your DD are lucky to have nothing to do with him. Don't invite him back into your lives unless you are seriously desperate for money.

DrCoconut · 21/05/2012 23:30

I'm with McHappypants. I never claimed a penny off my abusive ex and am glad. I have always managed, you do and you have the pride of not having gone cap in hand to the person who made your life a misery. You also free yourself from their control completely by being financially independent from them.

Original poster

mumofjust1 · 21/05/2012 23:31

He's never ever wanted anything to do with her, i doubt he'd bother

OP posts:

bobbledunk · 21/05/2012 23:31

If he's paying he will have access rights to your child, you are crazy to risk it just as you were crazy to go looking for him before. You'd think you would have been so grateful to escape him alive with your daughter safe that you'd wish never to hear of him again, let alone risk having him back into your life. That's presuming he is as violent as you say he is, you seem to be running after him a lot. You were lucky that he wasn't interested, stay away from him, you don't want him developing an interest in your daughter. Which he may do as punishment to you if you try make him pay.

Original poster

mumofjust1 · 21/05/2012 23:33

Oh, and if he did, could she refuse seeing as shes 13 now and hasn't seen or heard from him since she was 6 months old?

OP posts:

Original poster

mumofjust1 · 21/05/2012 23:35

Bobbledunk - there are a lot of presumptions in your post. I don't need to be judged.

OP posts:

splashymcsplash · 21/05/2012 23:38

Just to make it clear that access and maintenance are totally separate.

Paying maintenance does not give him access rights. Same as not paying maintenance does not take away a father's access rights.

There is a lot of misinformation being spouted here.

McHappyPants2012 · 21/05/2012 23:38

I am not saying no RP should not go to the CSA. But with a history of violence and abuse the child needs protecting from pond life like that.

bobbledunk · 21/05/2012 23:39

I think so, I actually assumed she was younger, at thirteen though, I think they take the childs opinion, get legal advice on that. If you can get the money without any risk of him barging into either of your lives then maybe you should go for it but be careful. Just be wary of him.

TheSecondComing · 21/05/2012 23:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

splashymcsplash · 21/05/2012 23:41

OP whenever you post in AIBU there usually is someone who will find any excuse to be nasty. Ignore it, you have done a great job bringing up dd on your own :)

For the life of me I will never know why there are women out there who think father's shouldn't pay maintenance for their children.

bobbledunk · 21/05/2012 23:42

Sorry, didn't mean to sound judgy btw

McHappyPants2012 · 21/05/2012 23:45

I hope I didn't sound nasty, op I am sorry if I did sound nasty It was not my intention.

Original poster

mumofjust1 · 21/05/2012 23:47

Good for you thesecondcoming!

splashy thanks - I think that he should pay maintenance - not just for my dd but for all his kids. You cant go round having kids willy nilly and leave them high and dry.

As i said before, and money they did get out of him would go straight into dd's savings.

Also, why haven't the CSA been able to gain this information? I'm not sure what they actually do - i get a letter every 6 months saying that the amount he needs to pay is 0.00

OP posts:

McHappyPants2012 · 21/05/2012 23:50

And slash this is directly to you and you only. There are babies who are conceived via rape and in a relationship that has to be fled for the mothers own well being this includes being beaten black to blue every day.

IMO the sperm doner does not have any right being given the father title.

Op sorry to say this in your thread

Original poster

mumofjust1 · 21/05/2012 23:50

Mchappypants and bobble - don't worry :) thanks for kind of putting in perspective. I hadn't thought of him asking to see her as he has never wanted to before, he has no interest in her whatsoever

OP posts:

McHappyPants2012 · 21/05/2012 23:54

Mimofjust1 ( feel rude calling you op) I hope you can get some sort of money 13 years of doing it alone must be hard

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