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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to give details of dd's biological father to the CSA?

54 replies

mumofjust1 · 21/05/2012 23:04

Bit of background:

He was a violent, abusive bastard. Did all sorts to me.

DD's dad left when i got pregnant, threatened to make sure i lost the pregnancy, came back after she was born and left 2 weeks before her first christmas. No call, not nothing. left saying he would ring, never saw or heard from him again.

Found him a couple of times, he didn't want to know. Tried to stay in touch with his family for dd's sake, they didnt want to know. so i thought fuck it and gave up after 7 years of practically begging them to acknowledge her.

One day a random girl was outside my house and stopped me. She knew me she said, i didnt know her but she was with dd's dad, had a daughter with him and was pregnant with another one. So dd has 2 half sisters she doesn't know about. He was violent and abusive to her too. Again, tried to keep in touch with her, it didn't happen.

He left her and her girls, hitched up with someone who had 2 kids from a previous relationship, and had another daughter with her. So, 3 mums, 4 kids.

He has never paid me a penny. Never. CSA say he has been ordered to pay me nothing. hes not working or on benefits according to them. He is in arrears almost £14,000

Wanker.

I have just found out that he owns some kind of property services, deals in spanish villas so isn't destitute by any means, but is somehow dodging the CSA.

Do I give them his address, phone number and business details?

Sorry this is a bit of a ramble - shocked and angry in equal measures for various reasons.

OP posts:

splashymcsplash · 21/05/2012 23:54

mchappypants paying CSA does not make any difference to their status, or their access rights. Call them what you like.

All children deserve to be provided for.

bobbledunk · 21/05/2012 23:57

Hopefully it will stay that way, sorry again for coming across a bit rude, it wasn't intentional, I do word things badly, all the best to you and your daughter

McHappyPants2012 · 22/05/2012 00:01

I know that, my husband has no contact with his daughter, however we have a trust fund for her and with out fail we put X amount every month.

We think about her every day, but her mother for what ever reason did not want dh to be there. However we put that money in every month.

We would rather her have the money now, but we are clutching at straws she may contact us.

JosieZ · 22/05/2012 00:56

The housing market in Spain has collapsed, from what I've read in the news, so not sure he will be worth a great deal

Noqontrol · 22/05/2012 01:12

Not read all the posts, but, can you manage without his money op? I just think that if someone's violent then sometimes it's better to step away for the sake of you and your family. (mainly your children really). It's not the perfect answer and most would not agree with me, but having been in a violent relationship myself in the past, I would have chosen to go off the radar personally. But only you know whether it's safe to pursue or not.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 22/05/2012 10:13

I'm really torn on this one. Half of me says the guy is a twat and should pay for the children he created. You should go after the money for your dds sake.

But then the other half of me thinks that if he left you as soon as you got pregnant, you knew he was an abusive wanker when you chose to have his child. It was your choice to keep your pregnancy, and he made it clear he didn't want anything to do with the child. I don't think women should be 50% responsible for creating a child but then have 100% of the say on what happens next.

I dont know. You feel you should go after the money though, so that's what you should do.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 22/05/2012 10:23

One thing I hate is arsehole wankstain men who get away with not paying a penny towards their DC. Even worse if they go on to have other children which they subsequently never pay a penny for. Over the past 5.5 years my ex has utilised many ways of avoiding the CSA, most recently purposely leaving gainful employment so he doesn't have to pay. He's now on benefits and is supposed to be paying me £2.50 per week, although whether I'll ever see it remains to be seen . He chose not to be involved with my DS and has never seen him. He, too, has other DC with other women and doesn't see or pay for them either. Sickening. The more excuses society makes to excuse or justify their behaviour, the longer it will remain socially acceptable for men to behave this way.

ALL non-resident parents should pay towards the upkeep of their children, regardless of whether they were violent, abusive, nasty, nice or indifferent. OP, if you know he has more income than he's declaring you can apply to have him reassessed based on 'lifestyle inconsistent with income'. However I believe the onus is on you to prove this, which is typical of the CSA. Maybe give them a call about it to see what they the way forward would be. You could always get your MP involved which may make things move quicker. Good luck.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 22/05/2012 10:28

Outraged so are you saying that when my ex fucked off with his OW when I was 4 months into a planned (by both of us) pregnancy, I should have had a termination? But because I didn't, it's my fault that I'm now chasing child maintenance? Nice.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 22/05/2012 11:28

Of course I'm not saying that

Your pregnancy was planned, and I already said I can see more than one side to this.

lalaland3008 · 22/05/2012 11:46

Stay away from him and his dodgy money. Move on and don't stress yourself just be thankful that he doesn't want to be in your dds life as he would do nothing positive for her.

I'm in a similiar situation with my ds, feel proud that you're doing it all by yourself.

Original poster

mumofjust1 · 22/05/2012 13:54

Outraged, yes, I chose to keep my baby. I knew he didn't want to be involved, and I was 100% happy to raise her alone which is what i have done for the past 13 years. I knew though that one day dd would ask about him and may want to meet him. This is why I tried to keep some contact with some of his family. I will always be able to tell dd that I tried.

I'm not interested in his money. I doubt that dd will ever see a brass penny from him.

I'm not just concerned about my dd, although she is my priority. The other girls matter here too.

I think that if I have this information and do nothing with it I will feel - I don't know, guilty maybe?

OP posts:

holmesgirl · 22/05/2012 17:22

YANBU.

However, if it was me I wouldn't want anything from him.

samandi · 22/05/2012 17:33

This. You enabled him to have kids "willy nilly" by pursuing an unplanned pregnancy. He sounds absolutely vile and I feel sorry for any woman who has had a relationship with a man like that, but you were the one who had the choice here.

I don't know what I'd do. Personally I don't think I'd want anything more to do with him, and you say you're not interested in his money so I'd be tempted to let it go. Difficult one. YANBU for giving his details over though.

minipie · 22/05/2012 17:45

I don't agree Outraged or Samandi. Many women think abortion is wrong, or cannot contemplate aborting their own pregnancy. It is misleading to say these women make a "choice" to have a child. They have no real choice.

I would report him to the CSA.

Nancy66 · 22/05/2012 17:54

You have every right to do this but, in your shoes, I wouldn't.

The CSA are pretty hopeless when it comes to getting non payers to cough up.

He's scum but he's out of your life. Do you really want him back in it in any way? Is it worth angering a very violent and unpredictable man?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 22/05/2012 17:56

That's fair enough mini pie, a woman shouldn't feel she has to have an abortion she doesn't want. But they do have a choice about forcing a man to pay for the fact that they decided to have a baby without a Dad in some cases.

GateGipsy · 22/05/2012 18:05

If you called the CSA anonymously with this information, would he be able to work out it came from you?

Others have said that maintenance and access aren't connected and theoretically that's true. But sometimes a guy that's finally made to cough up will suddenly start demanding his 'fathers' rights and may well drag this through the court.

McHappyPants can I ask how it is that your husband's child's mother has kept him out of the child's life? Legally she can't do that.

ImBetterThanYou · 22/05/2012 18:06

Yes ofcourse you should give them his details. Maintenance and access are two seperate issues, he's not bothered in 13 years and your dd doesn't want to see him so I don't think you need to worry there, my ex pays no childmaintenance but that doesn't give me the automatic right to stop contact

ImBetterThanYou · 22/05/2012 18:10

gate, my dp's ex won't let him see his daughter and his lawyer says he's not got a leg to stand on because his dd has a severe disability so contact is 100% the mums choice and she's now happily married to his (ex now!) best mate, it does happen unfortunately.

minipie · 22/05/2012 18:13

"they decided to have a baby without a Dad"

But this is still suggesting they had a choice Outraged. My point is they didn't "decide" to have a baby without a Dad. They had no real choice in the matter - abortion was never an option for them.

On a separate note - those saying fathers shouldn't be pressed for maintenance payments - what about if the mothers are claiming benefits?
Is it ok for the taxpayer to have to support children/mothers financially simply because the mother chooses not to ask the father for money? I don't think so.

amicissimma · 22/05/2012 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

loveisagirlnameddaisy · 22/05/2012 18:15

Outraged can't believe people still think like this? Is it all the woman's responsibility to control contraception?

He clearly can't keep it in his pants as he appears to have children with every woman he enters a relationship with. Men like this don't seem to feel that the children of those relationships are in any way their responsibility. The OP may well have been 50% responsible for getting pregnant but so was her ex - and they are both jointly responsible for the outcome of that pregnancy for the rest of their lives. You can't pick and choose when to be a parent once a child is born.

Meglet · 22/05/2012 18:19

From the sound of it I reckon he would dodge the CSA anyway. I've never had a problem with the CSA though.

If you could get the money for your DD but not have to risk him demanding access and ruining everything then you could risk it. My XP hasn't seen the DC's in 3yrs but has paid via the CSA for 2.5yrs now, I would not want him to see the DC's as it would do a lot of harm.

Sallyingforth · 22/05/2012 20:22

There are too many men spraying their seed around the place and leaving babies to be paid for by the government, i.e. us taxpayers.

Shop him to the CSA and tell them about the other kids you know of.

quiplite · 23/05/2012 00:19

Sorry, just wanted to come back to this question of CSA having nothing to do with access. The risk is that he may go after access simply to get back at you, not because he wants it. (This is precisely what happened to my friend.) He didn't want the child, had no contact whatever for 3 years, but once she involved the CSA he - wanker that he is - decided to make her life as miserable as possible. He was awarded access and she is now fighting that.

Obviously your DD's dad should be paying, and you're right he's a tosser not to pay for towards his own children. But principles can make for hellish practicalities. Just tread carefully.

But if you think it's a safe bet, then clearly take him for all you can!

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