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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed by this...

72 replies

wifey6 · 21/05/2012 20:10

4 weeks tomorrow I suffered a MMC..I am devastated. It hit me very hard & was not only emotionally & mentally battered..but physically too...i was in a lot if pain & discomort. Within less than 24 hours my DH told me to stop laying on the sofa & get on with things. I couldn't believe he was being so insensitive.
Within 2 days he went back to work & left me at home to care not only for our toddler DS but the chores of the house too. Fast forward a few weeks & he is now not moving out of bed as he says he 'feels light headed'....I would be sympathetic normally but don't feel I have any compassion after his comments to me after my MMC.
I have had to solider on with life...although still emotionally broken...& to watch him wimper over this is actually making me rage.
I ABU aren't I? Cruel even??
I don't mean to be.

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 21/05/2012 20:12

Sorry to hear about your MC.

It sounds like you both could do with sharing your feelings with each other better. If he understood how you felt at the time, do you think he would have been more sympathetic?

Notalone · 21/05/2012 20:14

No you are not being cruel. You are still raging with what a heartless git he was to you. I don't blame you for feeling angry, bitter, resentful and a whole host of other things. This might be a good time to give him a good hard kick up the arse tell him how he made you feel and how let down you feel by the way he treated you at a low point in your life. Hope you are ok and make him see sense

Original poster
wifey6 · 21/05/2012 20:14

Thank you...I tried talking to him...he shuts down & I haven't had the support I have needed from him- despite trying to be strong & help him.

OP posts:
manicbmc · 21/05/2012 20:16

Sorry to hear of your MC

I'd be leaving him to his light-headedness. I'm sure he'll manage to stagger downstairs once he realises you won't be at his beck and call, making cups of tea and taking him snacks.

bigjoeent · 21/05/2012 20:20

I'm really sorry to hear about your MC, it is awful and it knocked me physically as well as emotionally, I hadn't expected the first. YANBU, its a normal reaction and he wasn't being sympathetic or helpful towards you.

My OH handled the MC in a different way to me, my first reaction was to think bloody hell #@&* etc but then I thought about it and it is how he reacts to any bad news, he rationalises it and does it differently to me. It doesn't mean he feels it any less. Your OH may be having diffculty dealing with it, not sure how you get through to him though.

Is there anyone else who can give you some support in the meantime? I know everyone will / has said it, but it does get easier, give yourself some time.

Lots of hugs.

Original poster
wifey6 · 21/05/2012 20:21

Thank you manic....still doesn't feel real. I have made tea...as I was already cooking it before all this started! He hasn't said anything...just went back upstairs (I didn't take it up). I never got an ounce of help when I needed it- except for the first night. I feel so cruel & angry at the same time.

OP posts:
Original poster
wifey6 · 21/05/2012 20:22

sorry for your loss too bigjoe*....
My mum has been amazing & my two best friends...but it's when I am at home & I feel like a stranger. Sad

OP posts:
BumpingFuglies · 21/05/2012 20:26

Hey wifey. Although not helpful to you, it sounds like this is his way of dealing with it - he needs something physical to allow him to have a reaction.

He maybe needs to go into his "cave" for a bit. My DH did the same.

I'm so sorry for your loss x

bigjoeent · 21/05/2012 20:27

More hugs, the only thing I can suggest is to keep trying to talk to him. How is he discussing emotional things anyway? If he finds it difficult usually, he may find this even more difficult.

He should have supported you more in helping generally and shouldering more at that time, maybe he found it difficult to come to terms with and just wanted everything back to normal asap.

Original poster
wifey6 · 21/05/2012 20:28

bumpy...thank you. I never looked at it like that before....as though this is his way maybe of showing me he has been affected too? I want to talk to him & each time I try...he cuts me off & says he doesn't want to talk about it again. Sad
It's not as though I am going on about it. I cry..he walks away. I just want to be held & told its all going to be ok. Apart from 3-4 people in RL...MN is all I have as support Sad

OP posts:
hermioneweasley · 21/05/2012 20:31

Wifey, so sorry for your loss, and feeling physically crap on top of the emotional toll is so hard. Screw him being in his cave, it is your loss as a couple and your body. He didn't give you any emotional or physical support. Are you sure you want another child with this man?

Original poster
wifey6 · 21/05/2012 20:32

bigjoe.....he bottles things up. Before the MMC happened...the day we found out & the 3 days before it all happened...he seemed to be able to talk about it & was an amazing support. The day it happened he pulled away emotionally & has tried to get back to normal...but h expects me to as physically I have only been 'normal' for a week....mentally & emotionally...not sure I ever will be. Sad
I know I must sound self-pitying..sorry...
Just feel lost in all this Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
wifey6 · 21/05/2012 20:33

hermione....definitely not think of ttc...not only feeling too scared of it happening again...but I don't feel emotionally connected to him right now. Sad

OP posts:
iwastooearlytobeayummymummy · 21/05/2012 20:38

So sorry to hear about your MMC, Wifey and in time you feel more normal,but for now have actually you told your husband 'I just want to be held and told it's all going to be OK'?

bigjoeent · 21/05/2012 20:41

Go easy on yourself, it is difficult, I still blur it out and everything so often something reminds me and I feel sad again. At the time I said similar things, not sure I wanted to try again and was numb but give yourself and him some time, don't put any pressure on yourself and take it a step at a time.

Original poster
wifey6 · 21/05/2012 20:42

iwastooearly....thank you. Everyone's kindness is so unexpected but much needed. I have asked him to just hold me/be there (not eat in the kitchen..sit upstairs)...just be together. He just shrugs it off. I guess I am just fed up of being strong- although I know as a mummy you have to be...but as a wife...it would be nice to not have to always be strong.Sad

OP posts:
iwastooearlytobeayummymummy · 21/05/2012 20:44

I'm sorry to hear that, but is being the 'strong one' your usual role in your marriage?

Original poster
wifey6 · 21/05/2012 20:53

Yes it is iwas....I'm a little fed up of this role to be honest. I've just said to him I was sorry for being a bit 'off' but really wish that he had of been as attentive when I needed him as he is expecting me to be right now & he said 'Oo let's get out the violins for you'. Angry I saw red & shouted that I had been to hell & back...& he said he wasn't interested & didn't care & doesnt want to hear about it again. Angry Sad

OP posts:
HecateTrivia · 21/05/2012 20:59

That's vile. It really is. That's the sort of thing that can make you lose love and respect for someone. I'm so sorry about your miscarriage and I am so sorry about the way he is treating you.

Original poster
wifey6 · 21/05/2012 21:04

hecate....I did say to him that if I carried on not telling him how I was feeling I would resent him even more & I didnt want to do that...he just said 'do I have to go out for you to leave me alone?' Sad Sad
I'm too angry to cry-- this last 4 weeks I have felt true heartbreak...so nothing he says will feel as bad as that does. Sad

OP posts:
bigjoeent · 21/05/2012 21:06

Wifey, really sorry for you, he is being a complete arse.

BumpingFuglies · 21/05/2012 21:08

Sounds like he is "hitting out" wifey, not that it's right when it's against you. My advice would be to give him some space, which I know is not what you want or need, but it may be the best thing for him just now. You are both hurting terribly and you each need different things from the other.

He's shutting it all out possibly, and although in an ideal world you would be there for each other all the time, in reality it doesn't always work. Take a step back if you can, it may help.

HecateTrivia · 21/05/2012 21:09

I'm so sorry. The sad thing is that you will never ever forget this. How are you supposed to move on from this treatment of you? How are you supposed to forget these things he's saying to you?

I realise that he is upset too, I get that, I'm sorry that he's upset and no doubt hurting too - but it's no excuse to treat you like this. None at all. He can't treat you like you don't matter when all you want is a bloody hug and to be able to hug him too ffs.

Original poster
wifey6 · 21/05/2012 21:13

Thank you..I feel I now need space from him...his 'get the violins out' comment felt like a knife to the stomach...as though it was a trivial thing...I had stubbed my toe or something! I'm not a 'feel sorry or me' sort..& for him to react like this...I don't know how I will ever feel that close to him again. Sad

OP posts:
BumpingFuglies · 21/05/2012 21:14

With the best will in the world, some people need to deal with things differently. Hecate is right, he has treated you badly. It will be difficult to progress from that, but I would suggest that the more you try to get him to behave a certain way, the less he will want to. Let him come to you when he's ready. Not fair, not right but perhaps a reality.