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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed by this...

72 replies

wifey6 · 21/05/2012 20:10

4 weeks tomorrow I suffered a MMC..I am devastated. It hit me very hard & was not only emotionally & mentally battered..but physically too...i was in a lot if pain & discomort. Within less than 24 hours my DH told me to stop laying on the sofa & get on with things. I couldn't believe he was being so insensitive.
Within 2 days he went back to work & left me at home to care not only for our toddler DS but the chores of the house too. Fast forward a few weeks & he is now not moving out of bed as he says he 'feels light headed'....I would be sympathetic normally but don't feel I have any compassion after his comments to me after my MMC.
I have had to solider on with life...although still emotionally broken...& to watch him wimper over this is actually making me rage.
I ABU aren't I? Cruel even??
I don't mean to be.

OP posts:
BumpingFuglies · 21/05/2012 21:17

Bit of space for you both may be a good thing wifey.

I must say again how sorry I am, I really hope you can get through this x

Original poster
wifey6 · 21/05/2012 21:19

bumping....I think that's what I will do- in fact that's the only thing left to do. He doesn't deal with anything emotional well..so I guess I just need to focus on healing myself & luckily I do have 2 amazing best friends & mum who I know will help me...not to mention my beautiful DS who I feel has been my saviour..

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Dozer · 21/05/2012 21:19

That is v shit, am sorry.

My DH wasn't great after our first baby or my first MC, similar incidents with him being ill/languishing/not acknowledging my pain etc. although he wouldn't've said anything so nasty - that "violins" comment was horrible.

After more MCs (Sad) he got better at being supportive, but never talked about his own feelings until that time was behind us (DD2 was born Smile)

IME 99% of people in RL say / do hurtful things when it comes to pregnancy loss, regardless of gender / experience / closeness / age. That doesn't make it OK, but shows that plenty of people struggle to help.

Dozer · 21/05/2012 21:20

Bit worrying that he has form for being shit at handling things / supporting you.

Original poster
wifey6 · 21/05/2012 21:24

Dozer...so sorry for your losses too. It's a horrible 'club' to be in. I feel lost & each night I kiss my DS & just hold my baby's cardigan that my mum made & cry. I hope I can get strong without him...so I'm not reliant on him I guess. Sad but I don't feel very strong right now...Sad

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BumpingFuglies · 21/05/2012 21:24

Dozer - nail on the head, much better than me!

Wifey, I think you need to do this one day at a time. I guess you feel he is shutting you out and being nasty (which he is) and that you should do the same. It may be best to move on from his comment for the time being and bring it up later when things are more stable. You've ALL got to get through and I'm quite sure you will. You sound like a very sensible and strong lady.

BumpingFuglies · 21/05/2012 21:26

x post

you say you are not strong, I reckon you are a little bit Smile

wizzler · 21/05/2012 21:27

Wifey, sorry for your MC... I had 2 ( some years ago )and DH doesn't understand why I get teary at around the anniversaries. He just says " concentrate on the DC,". Sometimes I think its because he just doesn't know what to say at all. Both times he became quite ill soon afterwards, and looking back I think he was really stressed about it all ( doesn't excuse it though)

It sounds as if your mum and friends are doing a great job supporting you, concentrate on getting you back to full health, ignore him and his lightheadedness!

Original poster
wifey6 · 21/05/2012 21:27

bumping....I agree..there is no point bringing the comment up again...he will expect me to. I really want him to realise how hurtful that comment was though.

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Original poster
wifey6 · 21/05/2012 21:30

wizzler....sorry for your losses too. Sad
I agree...I don't think they know what to say or do...& may be just don't understand the enormity it has on us.
I am all for leaving him to it...I honestly can not even gain enough sympathy to ask how he is!!

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BumpingFuglies · 21/05/2012 21:32

Crying has nothing to do with being strong. You are expressing your pain, that's all. Just now, you and DH need different things. Neither of you are wrong (apart from DH's comments), just different.

Original poster
wifey6 · 21/05/2012 21:36

I did say to him a few weeks ago...that just because we deal with things differently...it doesn't make the other wrong which he agreed. his comments hurt more than my resentment for him tonight. I hope in a day or two he realises how hurtful that was & talks to me.

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Original poster
wifey6 · 21/05/2012 21:38

I agree we both need different things right now...he needs space & I need support. His involves being away from me...as mine is to be with him. But I do have outside support luckily & everyone I have 'meet' here on MN have been incredibly supportive.

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BumpingFuglies · 21/05/2012 21:38

When you are going through it wifey, no-one can grasp the enormity of it. People can advise, sympathise and support. But they can't be in your head, thinking your thoughts. Maybe that's why it's so isolating and difficult for you and DH? I don't know, just thinking out loud.

Original poster
wifey6 · 21/05/2012 21:45

You are right...without communication..we are guessing how the other is feeling/thinking. But we can't communicate because he shuts down & says comments like tonight. Sad

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BumpingFuglies · 21/05/2012 21:50

Yes, I understand what you're saying. Wish I had a solution!

One thing I will say from experience though, is don't hold grudges. When you do discuss his comment, if he apologises, do try to accept it. I may be sounding overly simplistic but it's important. It will probably not have anywhere near the same impact for him as it will for you. Again, not right, but he will have his own thoughts and priorities just now.

skybluepearl · 21/05/2012 21:51

Is there any way you could go stay with your mum for a bit to get the support you need?

Original poster
wifey6 · 21/05/2012 21:54

bumping...I will not hold a grudge but I do hope he apologises as it was very hurtful.
sky...I really wish I could but DH said if I took DS away I was not to ever come back. Sad that's the last thing I need right now.

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MeKathryn · 21/05/2012 21:56

I'm sorry for your loss Wifey. I had a mmc last year and it's hard to deal with. I guess it is very different for men as the pregnancy doesn't seem very real to them as it does to you. Not that that excuses his attitude.

Is it worth writing down how you feel and giving it to him so you don't get the emotional aspect in his face so much? I know you have every right to be emotional but some men find it hard to deal with, maybe seeing it written down will help him understand rather than go into a knee-jerk response.

Original poster
wifey6 · 21/05/2012 22:01

me....sorry for your loss too. It really is an awful, cruel experience.
I have been writing down my own thoughts/feelings....so I think your idea would be beneficial...thank you. That way he can choose to read it or not...instead of his comments when he doesn't want to deal with me. Sad

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BumpingFuglies · 21/05/2012 22:02

Wifey - I'm thinking that nothing is ever simple. If your DH said that about taking DS away, there is a huge fear on his part, plus a desire to "wound" with words when he feels threatened.

For now, I would guess you are tired - I hope you can sleep ok?

Also, I echo what Kathryn said about writing it down

Original poster
wifey6 · 21/05/2012 22:06

bumping....I will try & get some sleep...everyday seems like an emotional rollercoaster...Sad I often see that fear in him...I know he lashes out with words...but never thought he would say something he knew would hurt me so much Sad

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BumpingFuglies · 21/05/2012 22:09

You take care Wifey, I'll be thinking of you. Got to get off to bed now.

Chin up Missis x

Dozer · 21/05/2012 22:17

Wifey, hope you start to feel better soon. Sleep always good!

Sorry that he is being so mean.

Glad you have some RL and MN support, keep drawing on that. Baby and bump mc section has some v nice women. The miscarriage association website also has helpful stuff.

Brew and Thanks

Original poster
wifey6 · 21/05/2012 22:19

Thank you ladies so much...its comforting to have you all here when I need people the most Sad

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