To be annoyed by this...

[wifey6]

4 weeks tomorrow I suffered a MMC..I am devastated. It hit me very hard & was not only emotionally & mentally battered..but physically too...i was in a lot if pain & discomort. Within less than 24 hours my DH told me to stop laying on the sofa & get on with things. I couldn't believe he was being so insensitive.
Within 2 days he went back to work & left me at home to care not only for our toddler DS but the chores of the house too. Fast forward a few weeks & he is now not moving out of bed as he says he 'feels light headed'....I would be sympathetic normally but don't feel I have any compassion after his comments to me after my MMC.
I have had to solider on with life...although still emotionally broken...& to watch him wimper over this is actually making me rage.
I ABU aren't I? Cruel even??
I don't mean to be.

YANBU.

However the tit for tat no-sympathy tactic will only spiral downwards till you both show no sympathy for anything.

Did you address it with him at the time? Did you say how much his comments hurt and that you've just been physically and emotionally through the wringer and no, you will not be 'getting off the sofa'?

If not, I still think you should tell him exactly how your mc effected you, and how inappropriate and hurtful his remarks and lack of sympathy were.

You can't undo this and punishing by retaliating with no sympathy for him might not work either, but you can spell it out that he's not to be such an insensitive git again.

Frankly, going to your Mums and not going back sounds like pretty much exactly what you need right now. He sounds like a complete and utter arsehole.

Sorry, ignore my post, I stupidly didn't read the whole thread. I see that you've tried to talk to him about how you feel :(

I also re-read my post and saw that the tit for tat comment comes across as critical of you. Really wasn't meant that way. Sorry. I guess I meant don't go down to his level - it won't make him more sympathetic to you or teach him a lesson.

Get support from your lovely mum and friends. He knows how you feel, hopefully time in his cave and space to think will do him some good and he'll see how his way of dealing with it was cruel and insensitive.

Wide a wake as my DS has had a rough night- I am exhausted! shake...that's ok... I have tried to talk to him so many times as this was my fear- we would stop communicating. But he just shuts me down. I think for my own sake & sanity I need to give him his space, which in turn gives me some space now. Selfishly...after trying to be strong & avoid crying/talking about my baby in front of him & sobbing quietly to myself...I'm not prepared to pussy-foot around anymore considering his feelings before my own. I know that sounds awful & I'm probably being unreasonable.. but I have had to pretend almost like it hasn't happened as he hasn't wanted to deal with it..& feel I have had to sneak around his back to grieve. Sorry for ranting...but it's all hit me at once this morning...

Nothing you are doing is selfish. You are the one who been through something traumatic, you shouldnt have to be the one treading on egg shells. Or pretending it didn't happen.
I think you are being very brave, strong and really quite amazing.

Have you thought about going for counselling with your dh to work through the communication issues?

I am married to a very blokey bloke. The kind who rarely talks about feelings and way of dealing with issues and conflict is to try and shut me down and walk away from it.

Anyway, things came to a head over a particular issue and I just booked us in. I had a recommendation from a friend for a counsellor - also a blokey bloke. Though my dh would identify and listen more.

Well he did. This guy absolutely laid it on the line about how he should bs treating me, and honestly in just one session dh really did make a huge attempt to change and it literally changed our marriage and my life.

We haven't been back, dh hates all that sort of thing and I think realised if he treats me badly again I'll drag him back!

Hope you're ok and got some sleep

So glad that worked for you both shake. I'm seeking counselling on my own..theirs a MC bereavement group that I am due to see in a few weeks. I asked DH a few times if we could go together...after our son was born & we had difficulty & again now- both times he has dis-missed it & has said if I feel the need to go then fine...but he isn't going. Part of me is disappointed but I need to so I can feel stronger...both mentally & emotional.

Hiya, hope the support is helpful, hang in there.

Tried talking to DH...told him his comment was very hurtful but I understand he is hurting too. He just ignored me & walked away.
How do you ever feel the same about someone when you have lost respect for them?

Did you ever think maybe he was hurting after the mc too?

That his wa of grieving was to pretentious it didn't happen and get on with things? That u lying on the couch upset was making him upset?

I only say thins because my so doesn't do emotions very well and with both my mc just wanted to get on with things and no think about it as it upset him.

I understand why you are angry. You are still grieving.

Go easy on yourself x

Damn auto correct!! Sorry

I would really encourage some couple counselling for the pair of you.

It is exactly on the back of this sort of hurt, resentment and misunderstanding that a chasm can form between two partners. I don't think you should just leave it as it can be very hard to find a way back once the anger and distress fades and only apathy and disappointment remain.

You have both been through a very traumatic loss. It sounds to me as if your DH is just as affected and may be depressed, he is at the very least lashing out at you which is terribly destructive.

I am so sorry for your loss OP and I know you are suffering too.

I truly believe that some counselling may help ease the pressure of some pretty big feelings [on both sides] and also facilitate better understanding and support between you.

It is often my experience that male partners can often be/seem the most callous when they are in huge emotional distress. I don't want to stereotype men but in general they don't have the same emotional vocabulary or outlets as women and may find themselves reacting angrily [an 'acceptable' male emotion] when they actually feel like breaking down and crying.

I wish you all the best Wifey and hope the situation improves for you soon. x

Thank you both...I have mentioned counselling together & he just laughed & said he would never go. So I have arranged to go myself. I completely understand he is grieving too...but feel so angry that I have to 'be careful' with his feelings when he hasn't with mine & his hurtful remarks. I hate feeling this anger towards him...so I find myself just dealing with this alone & we communicate if about our DS...that's it. I do not have the strength, power or urge to fight anymore.

We were the other way round after my MC, DH wanted to talk it through, and I was the one to bottle it up and try to just get on with things. Even now, when he starts to mention it, i have to say I dont want to talk about it.

bubby64...sorry for your loss.
Can I please ask how you reached a balance? It's not as though I even talk about it with him...but he won't even ask me how I am...probably incase I do start talking about it.

Wifey, he may be quite frightened of the idea of talking about how he feels [especially with a complete stranger] as it might unleash a lot of powerful feelings that he doesn't feel in control of.

And unfortunately a lot of men feel they cannot allow themselves to become/be seen as vulnerable in this way.

It may be that your going to counselling may stimulate his curiosity, particularly if he observes you becoming calmer and happier through the process.

This may be enough to get him more ready to talk to you [if he feels you are being well supported and less likely to crack under the strain of his feelings] or to consider counselling for himself, either individually or as a couple [ideal].

I am so glad you have been able to get counselling for yourself Wifey and I really hope it is helpful for you.

I wish you all the best.

Rapa....you are right...the thought of talking to a complete stranger about his feelings is probably a daunting prospect..as he also had an awful childhood. I am trying to be so understanding (although it mustn't seem it the way I am venting on here), as I hate the thought he is dealing with this alone...as I have support from people & MN.

Wifey, you would have to be a saint to not be infuriated and hurt by your DHs seeming indifference and lashing out.

MN is the perfect place to vent as it is anonymous and you can be as honest as you need to be about how you are truly feeling.

That said counselling will also be a good place for venting as it is confidential and safe as the counsellor will be there to support you, not to criticise or belittle your feelings.

So keep posting and good luck with your counselling.

I get the sense you are a strong and resourceful person and I think there will be light at the end of this dark tunnel.

Just look after yourself as best you can and get all the support you need.

Wifey, you would have to be a saint to not be infuriated and hurt by your DHs seeming indifference and lashing out.

MN is the perfect place to vent as it is anonymous and you can be as honest as you need to be about how you are truly feeling.

That said counselling will also be a good place for venting as it is confidential and safe as the counsellor will be there to support you, not to criticise or belittle your feelings.

So keep posting and good luck with your counselling.

I get the sense you are a strong and resourceful person and I think there will be light at the end of this dark tunnel.

Just look after yourself as best you can and get all the support you need.

Rapa....thank you very much. Very much appreciated

Hiya, i found counselling (alone) v helpful in lots of ways, had a v good counsellor. Hope yours is good too.

You (and others on the thread) seem to be making a lot of excuses for your Dh's awful behaviour .

Whatever his past, problems with communicating, way of grieving etc he should not be treating you like this, it is wrong.

wifey my husband too was awful after my mc. Really angry and just vile sometimes, no excuse AT ALL but it was because he was hurting badly and didn't know what to do to make things better. I'm not sure how it happened but over time he became less angry and I became stronger in myself and we got through it. He knows he behaved badly but was still shocked when I told him later I'd been on the verge of leaving, not because I didn't love him anymore but because I was hurting and he was making it worse. Not that I want you to have to test this but for my second mc 6 months later he was much more support and our relationship is as strong as ever. nerves and emotions are raw after a mc, you won't forget and it will never go away but don't underestimate how much time does help. all the very best x