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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD has two mums...

78 replies

FarelyKnuts · 20/05/2012 18:33

..Myself who she calls Mama and my DP who she calls Mamaí (mammy in Irish). AIBU and a bit precious to expect that close friends and family could learn which is which and use them when speaking to my DD 2.9 and stop confusing her and making me need to politely point out to her who they are talking about?
I don't mean aquaintances and random people we rarely see but the ones who have regular contact with us and who are very involved in her life.

OP posts:
Original poster
FarelyKnuts · 20/05/2012 20:06

I am a mum. I would have thought that is a definition not a name though I know it is used as name too Confused
Maybe I should have said two mothers?

OP posts:
ReindeerBollocks · 20/05/2012 20:06

I know several sets of same sex parents who use use the same calling for either mum or dad. They don't have individual names for each parent.

So on that basis I'm inclined to think YABU. While I think it's fine for you to have individual callings within the house, I don't think it's fair to expect family members to use them, as all they will know is that your DD has two mamas.

Kayano · 20/05/2012 20:08

YABU

I can't even member that my mother is grandma and not nana

And dps mam is nana and not grandma

And his nana is 'big nana' and not nana

And my grandma is now nana and not granny

It's just one of those things.

If I see my friends kids I instantly use the word I would use myself: as in 'where is your Mammy?'

I wouldn't think, no she uses Mama, not mammy...

I can't remember what everyone's kids calls people in their lives!

YABU

squeakytoy · 20/05/2012 20:10

It is family and friends who get it wrong and often say things like "give that to Mummy

But that is a natural thing to say.. and I think yabu in being irritated with people who "get it wrong".

strawberrypenguin · 20/05/2012 20:13

I think given the age of DD and the fact it confuses her YANBU I wouldn't expect family members and close friends to call me 'daddy' after all so I don't see why it's different for you and your DP. You might find that she starts calling you both 'mum' when she's older though Smile

CurrySpice · 20/05/2012 20:14

Yeah, OP maybe you should because you've just ruined your argument. People use mum or mummy to mean "your mother". They are not doing it to piss you off. In my experience, you'd better get over it because it'll continue to happen.

Imagine your DD's teacher. How the hell is she supposed to remember the 30 different pet names that ECG child has for their parents? So they will just say to your dd "your mummy"

TheSurgeonsMate · 20/05/2012 20:14

Well I find it really hard to remember to use my mother's preferred name ( grandma to distinguish from other granny). It makes me feel utterly unreasonable that I don't do it properly. So I don't think you are being that unreasonable to hope people will.

CurrySpice · 20/05/2012 20:15

ECG = each Blush

5inthebed · 20/05/2012 20:18

Dh was Uncle Daddy for a few months once, can't see the problem with mumai.

Original poster
FarelyKnuts · 20/05/2012 20:20

That's ok strawberry.. She can call us what she wants to when she is older. She actually chose to differenciate the names by insisting on my DP being Mamaí (Mommy) despite early encouragement to call us both Mama :o

OP posts:
CailinDana · 20/05/2012 20:21

Chances are as she gets older your DD will choose her own way of calling you. Probably "Muuuuuuuuum" in that fecking annoying oh so endearing way. If you make a big issue of this now it'll all seem a bit silly later on. Just like my MIL insisted on being called "nanna" and made a huge fuss over it until DS started using "nanna" to mean "banana." Now she's trying to claim she's ok with "Gran" because she's sick of DS freaking out thinking he's getting a banana every time anyone says "nanna" to him. I can see her being called "Grana Banana" in future evil

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/05/2012 20:25

It seems to me that the confusion comes from you and your partner seeing "Mama" and "Mamaí" as your individual names, and everyone else seeing them as synonyms of mother, mam, mummy, mommy, mater, maman, maw etc. I only have one mother, and I call her several of those depending on mood and context. Similarly my father could be dad, daddy, father dearest, paw, pa, and probably loads more over the years.

If you really want these to be names, I think they have to be a bit more distinctive than they currently are.

Original poster
FarelyKnuts · 20/05/2012 20:25

Grana Banana :o

OP posts:
PeppermintCreams · 20/05/2012 21:19

Maybe a picture of all three of you, with your three different names written underneath would help, as a subtle reminder?

I understand how important this is for you. You family and friends don't because mum/mummy/mammy are just interchangeable words to them. You are going to have to polite remind them every time. "Oh silly Granny. Mamaí's at work. Come give it to mama."

McHappyPants2012 · 20/05/2012 21:23

sorry but yabu, my children aged 2.11 and 6 have 2 nannies and 3 grampy they don't get confused who i am talking about

stripesnotspots · 20/05/2012 21:36

YANBU - it's not rocket science, of course they should use the right name for each parent.

littleducks · 20/05/2012 21:46

I don't think its such an issue, dh is Baba and I am Mumma to my kids. At that age they were both used to nursery staff/random people saying Mummy/Daddy and ds would always call dh Baba to his face but talk about my dad to others.

They are a bit older know but are clued up that people say grandma but mean their Nana (my mum) or Dhadi (mil) not my grandmother who is the only one called grandma.

exoticfruits · 20/05/2012 21:57

She will sort it out herself soon enough- it happens all the time when people talk about Grandma when she is actually Granny, not important. She can put them right when older, if it bothers her.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 20/05/2012 22:44

Do people really understand the difference? Maybe they dont understand that you are using them as names rather than titles?
I am confusing myself now.
YANBU to want people to get it right but I do thing YABU a bit to get annoyed when they dont.
Because I dont think they know what you want.

This thread has really confused me and I have been properly concentrating and everything Grin

rhetorician · 20/05/2012 22:53

not sure really; our dds also have 2 mums (we also live in Ireland) and we have gone through various versions (DD1 is now 3.4); we started off with mummy and mama, and to be fair family certainly did try to reinforce these titles (which is what you are asking, isn't it? for them to reinforce the fact that whilst you are both her mothers, she also has 2 parents).

But they fell by the wayside as DD got bigger - so she calls us Mummy A (my christian name) and mummy B (DP's name), but only when a specific individual/answer is required. Usually she uses 'mummy' for both of us, or when either of us will do. I have noticed the last few days that she has been calling me 'mum' occasionally. And I certainly don't expect friends and relatives to keep up with the changing nomenclature, although I certainly do expect them to acknowledge both of us fully as their mothers.

cookiesnap · 20/05/2012 23:03

Totally agree with rhetoric. My dd has 2 friends who have 2 mums. One pair are mummy x and mummy y; the other are mummy and a pet name. I can remember those fine but couldn't remember mama and mamai. I have no idea what any of my nieces and nephews call their parents either.

I think you are expecting too much attention to detail here.

rhetorician · 20/05/2012 23:05

mostly these days I am just happy not to be told that I'm smelly :)

PacificDogwood · 20/05/2012 23:10

Better than your child, your own child, calling you 'Addy' or 'Daddy' for 2 bloody years!! He started saying 'Mum' or 'Mama' just after his 2nd birthday...

Anyway re your problem: YANBU to find it annoying, but I don't think that your DD will actually get confused by what other people say. I am with ImBetterThanYou on that one.
Family members who see you regulary, they should get it right, mind.
Do you get the impression that anybody is trying to Make A Point?? That would be horrible...

cantspel · 20/05/2012 23:33

I think you are making too much of it. They are acknowleging you both as your daughters parents but just not using the titles you have given yourselves. I dont give a thought to if people use prefered titles like mama, mom, mum, mummie ect i would just use to word mum is addressing a child as mum is the word that i am used to using.

kickingKcurlyC · 21/05/2012 02:51

I don't think you are being U myself. But I suppose they do sound similar.

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