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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be shocked at an acquaintance who is an active Christian, but has been having a 5 year affair

109 replies

EatsBrainsAndLeaves · 19/05/2012 14:02

I probably am being as this doesn't personally affect me.

But this woman is a Christian who is very active in her local church - on the PCC and talks about her faith a lot. Yet she is having an affair with a married man who has 2 kids and has been for 5 years. She also gets some money from him to help with her bills.

I know the married man is most to blame as he is being unfaithful to his wife. But I just think she is so hypocritical to talk about Christian values a lot and yet behave in such an unchristian way. And it does annoy me.

OP posts:

AmberLeaf · 19/05/2012 14:43

YABU to be shocked though, she is just a person.

Anecdotally, some of the nastiest people ive known were christians.

Original poster

EatsBrainsAndLeaves · 19/05/2012 14:45

Northern - Thanks that is a very useful post. Yes I can see I am being unreasonable to have felt disapproval towards her. No I don't think for a minute that after 5 years he is going to leave his wife for her. I have tried very very gently to hint that already, but she just got angry at me. Not a good situation.

OP posts:

PooshTun · 19/05/2012 14:49

IMO Christians and other religious types are great big hypocrites so why are you so surprised? Yes, I know I am generalising about over a billion people.

I mean, the Bible talks about how we are all God's children. Yet one only have to look at the anti gay positions of the Evangelical movement in the US for example to see that its ok to love thy neighbour unless you are both the same sex.

NimpyWindowmash · 19/05/2012 14:52

I pity her. She either must have problems with her self-esteem to think she is not only good enough to be the OW, or perhaps she likes to be in competition with the wife and can only validate herself in terms of competing with others. Who knows. But it's a bit messed up. I'm sure Christians can be as messed up as the rest of us.
What's interesting though, is why it bothers you so much OP. Are you projecting perhaps - are you trying to offload a moral issue in your own life right now that is unpalatable for you?

Northernlurker · 19/05/2012 14:54

Poosh - I don't want to rock your world view but not all Christians think alike on the issue of sexuality - or indeed any other issue except that Christ died for us. That He gave His life for our sins.

Original poster

EatsBrainsAndLeaves · 19/05/2012 14:55

No I am not projecting ....I think? It doesn't "bother me so much". But I guess most people who I know in rl tend to try and do the right thing. Yes people make mistakes and sometimes big mistakes - but usually when they are much younger - she is in her 40's. The women and men I know in their 40's and older tend to make fairly small or temporary mistakes, so yes this does seem shocking behaviour to me.

Maybe I am naive.

OP posts:

mummymeister · 19/05/2012 14:59

the thing about being christian is that it should be a way of life and that you should try hard not to do anything that God wouldnt approve of. However, we are all human and have been given free will. at the end of the day as a person of faith she knows that she will have to answer for this "sin" . i have always felt that being a christian is much more about how you live your life, how you treat people etc than whether you go to a building a couple of times a week or join a committee. Clearly this lady doesnt agree. if i knew her well and she was part of my congregation then i would speak to the vicar about it. it is going to end in tears for her one way or the other. Pooshtun - dont tar us all with the same brush not sure if there is a religionism but there should be!

helenthemadex · 19/05/2012 14:59

some of the nastiest, hypocritical dishonest and most immoral people I have ever met in my life call themselves christian, I also know some lovely ones who practice what they preach

the old saying standing in a car doesnt make you a car any more than going to church makes you a christian, it is the way in which you behave

MagnifyingGlassSearch · 19/05/2012 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DrSeuss · 19/05/2012 15:02

I would point out to her the inherent contradiction between her faith and her actions. The Bible says no lying, no adultery. It doesn't say do it if you feel the need. All I need to complete my impression of this prize bullshitter is a few details. Bet she signed the petition against gay marriage, didn't she?

No, I am not active in any church, in part because of people like her.

QuintessentialShadows · 19/05/2012 15:05

She is not a Christian. She is a hypocrite who is using "faith" to her own purpose.

CeliaFate · 19/05/2012 15:11

Thou shalt not commit adultery - one of the ten commandments!
I don't think Christians are any different to non-Christians in terms of their daily lives.

I can see why you're bothered by this, but she's human and she's making a mistake.
Unless she started quoting the Bible to suit her own ends (as many religious people do) then I'd ignore it.
It's the people who bang on about homosexuality being a sin because it says in the Bible that no man shall lay down with another man.
It also says that you shouldn't wear different materials together, a sin punishable by death, so the Bible isn't relevant to our lives today.

The basic notion of Christianity imho, is having faith in eternal life.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/05/2012 15:28

"But I know it is none of my business."
Wrong. It is your business, because she made it your business by telling you about it. Why did she do that? Did she expect you to make soothing noises and tell her of course he's going to leave his wife? Or has it got to a point where she knows she needs a kick up the arse to stop this?

"Yes I am being unreasonable to not be more understanding ."
You are being understanding - you understand perfectly that she is the OW, and the pain that her actions may cause another woman. You understand that she is being a hypocrite. You also understand that she is kidding herself and nothing but pain and unhappiness for her will come from her relationship with this adulterer.

Triggles · 19/05/2012 15:51

I have always been baffled by women who want a man to leave his wife/family for them and have a "proper" relationship. Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who obviously feels that cheating is okay?

Seems like if he'll cheat on the first wife to be with the second, he'd most likely cheat on the second to be with the third.

lolajane2009 · 19/05/2012 17:43

i assume she is married too and doesnt take her own vows too seriously

depob · 19/05/2012 17:49

Friend of a friend had a 20 year affair with a married vicar, who was going to leave his wife etc etc but never did. I guess Christians are not so different from the rest of us

dontlaugh · 19/05/2012 21:34

I am fascinated at how all (or most) of the judgement is directed at the OW on this thread - what about the human stain of a man who is still married and, at a guess, also calling himself Christian?
It does actually take 2 to commit adultery, and the thread, to me, is starting to look slightly misogynistic.

NimpyWindowmash · 19/05/2012 21:36

good point Triggles.

squeakytoy · 19/05/2012 21:39

Nothing in the OP to say HE is masquerading as a Christian. He is still a man with no morals though.

hiveofbees · 19/05/2012 21:42

From the OP I had taken it that the man wasnt claiming to be christian, as it seemed to be very specific about the woman and her religion.

dontlaugh · 19/05/2012 21:44

It was an assumption on my part, I wonder could OP clarify? Either way, he's still calling himself married isn't he?
The odorous toad.

Original poster

EatsBrainsAndLeaves · 19/05/2012 21:51

don'tlaugh - I specifically said in my opening post that the man is most to blame as he is married. I have no idea if he is a Christian or not as I don't know him.

The woman is not married so she is not breaking any marriage vows or deceiving any DH

OP posts:

dontlaugh · 19/05/2012 21:58

But surely he is deserving of as much criticism as the woman, as regardless of religion, he is betraying his own wife and family, whereas she is apparently on the rack for betraying her faith? I am confused as to how there is a sense, on this thread, that she is being held to a higher moral standard than him, when they are both subject to the natural law of humanity and both of them are making a big mistake. I am not excusing her at all, but if there is burning at the stake to be done, I expect both parties to share it.

Ragwort · 19/05/2012 21:58

I can understand why you are disappointed; of course those of us who consider ourselves 'Christian' do make mistakes but to have an affair for five years seems very, very sad. As someone said earlier, she must have very low self esteem to allow it to continue.

Totally agree with WhereYouLeftIt's comments - you have put it so much better than me.

I dislike the attitude that 'it's nothing to do with you so why should you care' - I think it reflects on society as a whole when it is considered almost normal to have affairs, break up marriages etc (and yes, I have sadly been there myself so I am not trying to be 'holier than thou' ).

ninah · 19/05/2012 22:00

yabu. church history is rife with abuse and corruption

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