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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask has anyone else made a bad choice with Godparents, and how long before you regretted it?

79 replies

bibaleaf · 18/05/2012 21:57

I asked my cousin, and I regret my decision from the day of my DC's christening. GM's behaviour was weird on the day and has only got worse.

Anyone else been in similar circumstances?

OP posts:

bejeezus · 19/05/2012 00:27

I think some people have naming ceremonies and announce 'god'parents then, if they aren't religious/have multiple religions in family

I don't see the need to 'announce' or owt- as long as you know and they know....

I didn't really think about how the conversation would have gone, if he had wanted to say no! There would have been no hard feelings on my part, its a big ask, but would probably be difficult for the askee huh?

bejeezus · 19/05/2012 00:28

bob who? Me?

Bobyan · 19/05/2012 00:28

At least you asked !

Bobyan · 19/05/2012 00:29

No viggle!

CurrySpice · 19/05/2012 00:29

My kids don't have god parents because they're not christened because god doesn't exist

Tell me, what are a godparent's duties? Officially.

bejeezus · 19/05/2012 00:36

As an atheist, I am spiritual but not religious

It amounts to the same as far ad I can tell, in living a righteous life. It just doesn't have owt to do with god, Jesus or allah for me

blackcurrants · 19/05/2012 00:40

DH and I are atheist and we asked two of our dearest friends to be godmother and godfather to DS, (I think we used the term Secular Auxiliary Parent!) explaining that it wasn't a religious duty (which is good as one is sikh and the other also atheist) and nor would we expect them to look after DS in the event of our 'orrible deaths, as we have lined up family for that in our will. It's more "Please be adults who are not parents but who love DS and with whom he can talk." The way we saw it, we were essentially inviting them to have a 'not-related-but-like-an-uncle/auntie' relationship with DS.

That was a year and a half ago and sadly they've both moved away - one a few hours, and one to the gulf! THe one in the gulf makes a huge effort, sends DS presents, writes to him (Even though he's not yet 2). The one who moved cities hasn't been in touch for ages and didn't do anything for DS's birthday or Christmas. I'm a bit sad as I'm very fond of her but it might be that she and DS have a better relationship when he's a bit older.

flyingspaghettimonster · 19/05/2012 04:25

We aren't religious, but had to jave a catholic wedding for my in laws, and the protest insisted we get daughter christened? Baptised? The next day. one god parent was very sweet and sent birthday and christmas gifts for a few years, but being in totally different countries we lost touch. The other two we have barely spoken to since; I sent a very special gift for her first born a few years later, but no cards ever or facebook messages... It serms totallu meaningless really. I chose her as I hoped she would be like a fun auntie...

I would love to be a godparent though! If any parents want a flying spaghetti monster pirate parent, I'm your woman! I promise to praise his noodly goodness and send random gifts...

flyingspaghettimonster · 19/05/2012 04:26

Protest is priest. Bloody phone... It is like reading a foreign language trying to work o ut what I meant to say.

JuggleBum · 19/05/2012 06:06

My choices were generally a disaster, one died sadly, one had a child who died, even more sadly, so couldn't take on the role as my child was too close in age to the one lost :(
The last never forgave me for having a second child (a girl) when she'd had a boy. I never understood how she just pretended my daughter didn't exist e.g. Sending xmas presents to the son and not the daughter.

Tbh I think it's hard to know who will be a friend for life until they are!

OhNoMyFanjo · 19/05/2012 06:11

My gm declined my invite to my wedding, wouldn't have been so bad but was dads sister as well.

This is why my two have never been christened I couldn't find people I trusted.

seabuckthorn · 19/05/2012 07:13

Yes, but we got blackmailed by MIL and there was no way out sadly :

This time I'm having who I want and no one else and that's the end of it!

shushpenfold · 19/05/2012 07:20

My ds's gf was married to his gm and hence when they divorced we've not seen him since...really sad as we tried to keep in touch and he was having none of it. Our dds gf has since unofficially taken over the duty and is now honorary gf to all 3 of mine - the best decision ever!

marriedinwhite · 19/05/2012 07:52

Gosh we've been really lucky then. Was out this week with ds's godmother and talked about his 18th birthday plans . His gf's still remember birthday and Christmas (not hard when it's on the same day). As do dd's. In spite of three godparents having left London and one the UK!

CurrySpice · 19/05/2012 07:53

It seems to me that making someone a godparent has no bearing on whether they will remain part of the child's life. Whether they will love them or be a special person in their life or not. Seems like a spectacularly pointless exercise

Backtobedlam · 19/05/2012 08:09

Our church actually gives out leaflets for godparents to read which outlines what expectations would be ie.to guide said child in the Christian faith. It's given so godparents can read it prior to the christening and decide if they still want to make these promises. Whether you are religious or not as a godparent you still have to stand in church and make promises, so I don't understand how someone can do that if they don't fully mean it.

Having said that our children both have one religious godparent and one non-religious. I prefer to think of them as 'moral' guides throughout my children's lives, and you don't have to be religious to have morals. I would like to think my children have other adults they could turn to if they had any worrys that they felt they didn't want to discuss with me. Although I'd like my children to turn to me in times of need I know this isn't always the case, and would rather they look to trusted adults than kept something to themselves.

CurrySpice · 19/05/2012 08:18

Backto, are they any more likely to trust and turn to that adult because they are a godparent?

I am not my nieces' gm (precisely because of what you said about making a promise to teach them in the Christian faith when I had no intention of doing so) but I am still the person they talk to with their worries, not their god parents.

I cannot see the point of the whole thing

BBisTitanium · 19/05/2012 08:25

We picked a couple for whom we are god parents. We see them at events(kids birthdays) and occasional visit throughout the year, but we are not god parents to their DD2, and nor will they be to our DC2 when s/he is born dec/jan. They were a poor choice, made out of a feeling of duty, and at times aren't even nice people, they've certainly made it clear we have no valuable place in their life..

DS other GPs are DPs best friend who is a good friend to us but doesnt see DS often, he does ask after him, an bring gifts though. The other GP is one of my oldest friends she sees DS every couple of weeks and is the perfect choice, she regularly gives us clothes and offers to baby sit.

I think with the next DC we will put a lot more thought into god parents!

smokinaces · 19/05/2012 08:30

Ds1s godparents aren't in his life. They were friends, I'm godmother to their two youngest, but she hated the time my child took in my life and that it wasn't all about her anymore and we fell out. She was a right royal bitch to be fair.

Ds2 has wonderful godparents. We live very close, our older children are close and four years on they are still heavily involved in his life. I wish I could have ds1 rechristened :-(

Ds1 has my sister, ds2 my ex sil. Both are just aunties with another title tbh.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 19/05/2012 08:33

We never intended it to have anything to do with looking after the children if anything happened to us. As it happens, a few years later when we got round to doing our wills, we decided to nominate one of DH's brothers, who is a GP to also be their guardian, and my brother (another GP) to be a trustee/executor. This is purely about the family relationships though, not them being Godparents.

skateboarder · 19/05/2012 08:35

Dc3 has an additional gp to dc1 & 2. She is a great choice. Wish i had known her more than to say hello to when i had dc1&2.
Dc1&2 share the same gp. Two are family members, one is my friend. One of the family members is a poor choice, but we felt obliged to ask. Wish i had not really as no effort is made by him.

storminabuttercup · 19/05/2012 08:41

I have just been thinking about this today. DP and I chose a close friend each, both who have since not had a great deal to do with DS, my sister is one and although she and I don't have the best of relationships she is fantastic. Our church stipulated that one GP must be church going so I chose my GM, after all she will be the one to teach him about religion as she is the most devout but she did the same for us and let us make our own choices and let's us question things. Again a good choice.

My friend in particular seemed to take the role very seriously and listed all the things she thought her role involved. She's yet to do anything from said list. It's my own fault as although she's my oldest friend and I love her to bits shes never been the greatest of friends.

I've never been a god parent. But I know I'd try my best

SPsFanjoHarboursDeadCats · 19/05/2012 08:48

I haven't got my son christened because I haven't found anyone I trust.

My godparents were and still are useless! If anything had have happened to my parents when I was younger I would have been better off on my own then with any of them! One is my mums sister, one is a uncle who was married to one of mums sister and the other is a uncle. None of them have ever been around.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 19/05/2012 09:25

Seems to be more about what presents and days out are provided than spiritual guidance....

tbh i was asked last summer and didnt really know how to decline. The event hasnt happened yet and i hope i can get out of it by the time it does. I wont supply spiritual guidance and i'm not babysitting....

doradoo · 19/05/2012 09:50

My DDs godmother seems to have cut off all contact from me - I think having heard through other people because she and DH don't like each other - I really fought hard to have her as GM as she's my oldest friend, against my DHs better judgement - perhaps I should have listened to him he wont let me forget it now. Still at least DD has another GM so she's not missing out on the spiritual/moral guidance.

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