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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask has anyone else made a bad choice with Godparents, and how long before you regretted it?

79 replies

bibaleaf · 18/05/2012 21:57

I asked my cousin, and I regret my decision from the day of my DC's christening. GM's behaviour was weird on the day and has only got worse.

Anyone else been in similar circumstances?

OP posts:
Bobyan · 18/05/2012 23:11

For CofE a Godparent has to be baptised and a sponsor doesn't. I think in the Catholic church the terms are interchangeable.

Original poster
bibaleaf · 18/05/2012 23:17

Thanks. Just asked DH and his take was that a sponsor is someone who pays for DC's private education!

OP posts:
vigglewiggle · 18/05/2012 23:30

Don't they have to promise to guide the child in the terms of the Christian faith? So if you are not religious, yet choose Godparents are you not setting them up to fail?

Original poster
bibaleaf · 18/05/2012 23:36

No. I think a godparent's role is different for different people. As long as the parents and GP's are clear on wha it means to them personally, no one is being set up to fail.

OP posts:
Original poster
bibaleaf · 18/05/2012 23:37

what it means to them personally.

OP posts:
vigglewiggle · 18/05/2012 23:39

But it is a religious construct so why entertain it if you are not religious?

3monkeys · 18/05/2012 23:47

Both DS1 andDD have godparents who are Hindu. They are our closest friends and they have been fabulous godparents. Ds1 other godmother is my sister, she is also Ds2's and she is crap! DD's other godfather is brilliant and Ds2s are not great. However, my best friend is DD's godmother and she treats them all as if they are her godchildren, and if something happened to us, it is in our will that they would have the children. It's an arbitrary thing I think, you have to pick someone when they get christened

Bobyan · 18/05/2012 23:48

vigglewiggle I think you are interpretating Religion as the same thing as faith. My DD's sponsor has more faith in her beliefs than many church goers I know and therefore far better placed to offer guidance.

BBMs · 18/05/2012 23:48

I used to be friends with someone and she asked me before her child was born to be his GM... we used to be quite close so I said it'd be an honour.
By the time the child was at about 3months things had drastically changed and we were not in touch that much or just work related and my views about her had changed a lot. So when she asked me again when the child was going to be baptised a year later, I had to decline. I gave her all the reasons why I thought it was a terrible idea and that I wasn't going to be around to be a proper GM to him...
Obviously she got angry badmouthed me everywhere with anyone that would listen to her... I just couldn't do it and I thought it was better to be honest and not just disappear after the christening.
Had loads of problems at work and with people we both new, I even got called a heartless bitch! But tbh, I don't regret my decision.

bejeezus · 18/05/2012 23:52

I love love love my dcs godfather. It was probably the only right decision I have made in my life!

vigglewiggle · 18/05/2012 23:52

Well I suppose it depends on how it is administered. If there is a home-spun agreement to guide your child in their "faith" then fine. If you are asking them to make promises in front of a vicar in a church, then that is something quite different. I would say in the case of the latter scenario, if you are not religious, you are setting them up to fail.

ICutMyFootOnOccamsRazor · 18/05/2012 23:53

Oh yes, I regretted one straight away. Even before the Christening but it was too late to back out.

The result is I have 2 absolute crackers who have read the perfect godparents manual back to front, one who is generally slightly useless now, but who I know will be phenomenal when Ds is a bit older, and one who I no longer speak to, even though I've known her all my life Hmm.

Oh well, 3 out of 4 is pretty good, I suppose. I'm happy with that.

mirry2 · 18/05/2012 23:55

My dh and I would love to have been GPs but were never asked by any of my siblings or friends. I know we would have been good GP, although not in the religious sense, but we would have supported them very generously and kept in close contact.

StetsonsAreCool · 18/05/2012 23:56

DD's Godfathers are our brothers. Her Godmothers are friends of mine. One has a DD the same age and we see them all the time. The other we haven't seen almost since the Christening.

The GM we see all the time isn't in the slightest bit religious, and knows her role (as it were) is more of a Grown Up Who Isn't A Parent Who DD Can Talk To, when DD gets older. We share all the same values and general parenting approaches, so I know in the very long term she'll be an amazing asset to DD's life.

The GM who we don't see so much of... well, I'm hoping that will change but at the moment our lives are in very different places. She was a very close friend at the time and I hope we can rebuild that when our lives stabilise a bit. She will also be a great neutral, non-family, grown up when DD gets older.

CleanHankie · 18/05/2012 23:56

We never got to ask him, but we were considering a good friend of our's to be a godparent to DD2. We'd known him since he was a teen, he'd come to us often for advice, was very trustworthy, a good role model and practising Christian. He's now serving time for many offences to do with indecent images of children.

Glad we went with our non-religious friends in the end.

I always wonder why some people get their children baptised when they don't have strong religious beliefs. The godparents of both our children were concerned when we asked them as they aren't church goers but we assured them that we were asking them as they held similar "values" and morals to us. They also were aware we did believe and therefore would help to uphold that should anything happen to us.

Groovee · 19/05/2012 00:00

My dd's godparents are just the best. My ds's were a huge mistake. Luckily dd's godparents treat him more like he's like one of them. Should never ask family to be godparents.

Ironically ds's godparents asked us to be godparents to their 2nd ds and then decided we weren't good enough.

bejeezus · 19/05/2012 00:00

oh...just read thread properly- my dcs godfather is actually a godless father because my dcs are not christened/baptised, because i am an athiest

I (and he) views the role as a moral/ emotional/spiritual/practical guide through life; and to look after dcs if i die. i choose him because I hugely respect his morals and ethics and views and know that he would 100% act in the best interests of the dcs at all times. And he is kind and patient and fun. I would have no reservations about him having my children.

We see him every couple of months (lives 300 miles away). I envisage kids going to stay without me in time (dds are 7yo and 1.5yo)

vigglewiggle · 19/05/2012 00:00

So those of you who are not religious, but have nominated Godparents - how were they sworn in (so to speak)?

bejeezus · 19/05/2012 00:04

mine are named in my will as people I want to take care of my children in the event of my death; also giving them the 'power' to make financial decisions on behalf of my kids until they are 18-kids inherit any money I might have/house etc

but someone on MN said it wasnt worth the paper it is written on- and family members will alsways get custody Confused

vigglewiggle · 19/05/2012 00:06

Do they know about it then? How was it all agreed?

jubilucket · 19/05/2012 00:06

DDtwins.... chose same Godfather for each, he's not remotely religious but a fantastic role model of what a man can be. Has been wonderful.
Chose my two best female friends as Godmothers. One is absolutely brilliant. The other has vanished off into new relationship land and never returned.
Thankfully the brilliant one has quietly and calmly taken on DD2 as well.
The ceremony was CofE vigglewiggle although fairly happyclappy and non-judgey.

PestoPenguin · 19/05/2012 00:10

Yes, one of mine wrote this bg long card for my DC about how she'd always be there for them. No contact at all since first birthday (over 4 years now).

Another with a different DC is rarely in contact, but does send birthday presents. Invited us to big religious church wedding, but not the DC whose spiritual development she agreed to help steer Hmm.

Thinking of recycling some of the good ones for next baby Grin

bejeezus · 19/05/2012 00:11

viggle lol, yes they know about it . That would be a bit of a shock if i died otherwise Hmm Grin

what do you mean how was it all agreed? I asked godfather if he would be godfather, he agreed. I said kids arent being christened, I said I would put it in my will instead. he said ok then

between him and his partner, I think they have 7 godchildren; they'd better hpe the parents dont all pop-off!

vigglewiggle · 19/05/2012 00:16

I'm just curious about it all. I am not religious and therefore my DD's have not been christened. I have no one nominated to look after our children should we prematurely depart.

I'm just thinking it is quite a commitment whichever way you do it, but with a church christening the Godparents presumably have time to mull it over before making their promises in church.

I'm just wondering how you broach it with friends/ family in a non-religious context.

Bobyan · 19/05/2012 00:25

A christening is when the Godparents agree to provide spiritual guidance to the child being christened. It doesn't automatically mean that the Godparents will look after the children if the parents die, unless specified in your will.
Picking people to look after your children should you die if your not "religious" as you put it, has nothing to do with being a Godparent.

I'm not sure if I'm missing something, but I feel like your trying to hint at something, rather than just coming out with it...