I think I am - but why do I feel like this about my baby?

[Whydoifeelikethis]

My little girl is one week old tomorrow. She is my first baby and I had quite a difficult pregnancy and labour.
Because of certain issues I don't want to go into we live with my mother in law.
She is a nice lady, likes to be helpful and involved and I appreciate that. I have one major issue though - I am jealous when she has my dd! I've been getting little sleep so dh said his mum can take care of dd for a little while after I've fed her (ebf) so I can rest. I agreed but I can't rest!! I don't know why I feel so anxious! We're all in the same house! I don't want to feel like this and it's pretty irrational.
She loves her "nanny time" and I feel bad but I keep trying to find excuses so she can't take her away from me. She posted on Facebook earlier "having some special nanny time and cuddles with xxxx" and I just burst into tears when I saw it! Why am I doing this??
When it's just me and dd I am pretty chilled out - i don't hold her constantly or anything so why do I react like this? I know it's only for say a couple of hours a day but I feel horrible about it :(

Ps - I name changed. I do feel bad about it

Its very normal and natural - your baby is so young, of course you will want to keep her close. Im not sure any one got anywhere near my newborn for ages so actually you're doing really well! It will ease, but dont beat yourself up about it in the meantime.

You've just given birth, don't be so hard on yourself. You've carried your baby for 9 months, of course you're going to find it hard if someone else takes over. You need time to get to know your baby, she's yours and you want to cuddle her. You need to talk to your DH and tell him how you're feeling.

Your baby is one week old, of course you want her with you! Be strong, just say that your not ready to be parted from her yet. Maybe doze on the sofa while Nanny does tummy time?

You're hormones are probably still all over the place.

Can you explain to mil a little bit of how you feel - maybe ask her to take it slowly to begin with and build up the time she spends alone with your DC?

tbh if she's offering you rest and relaxation, take it! But on your own terms. You're entitled to be a bit selfish at this point imho.

Poor you, I think what you need is

Its all a bit overwhelming at the moment I guess, your MIL sounds really kind actually and will probably understand how you feel, try having a chat and tell her how you feel.

Oh yes, I felt exactly the sane when DS1 was born! My MIL came every day for a fortnight, and used to take DS from me so that I could "rest". I absolutely hated it!

I felt the same for months, probably years actually. I was fine in every other way, but just hated other people holding him.

It is perfectly natural. When DS2 came along, I was just a lot more firm.

Can you speak to your OH?

Congratulations, by the way!

Please don't feel bad about the emotions you are feeling. It took me a long time to ever feel "off duty" with my DD and that was even when she was with her dad. I couldn't switch off. I found that I never napped when she did as I had to be awake incase she woke and needed me. I also felt like I shouldn't not be around her all the time.

It has took me some time to realise that her Dad can give her exactly what I can and needs to learn to.

In your case, with MIL, it is good that you have the support of someone who clearly adores your DC. She offered and enjoys it and sees it as a favour to you. However, if you really aren't happy being apart from your newborn for a few hours a day, that is OK too.

I know you say your DH said to do it, but you are welcome to say no thanks, and could get away with saying it easily "oooh, I just love her too much to possibly spend any time away from her yet" sort of comments.

Or, is it possible for you to spend some of that time with MIL and your DD? The three of you together could take her for a little stroll round the park or bath her together that sort of thing?

Don't feel bad about how you feel, please. Your DD is a very lucky little girl, three people who clearly adore her.

You're in the bonding stage with your brand new baby. Take her off your MIL and take her to your room for lots of feeding, sleeping and cuddles. It's nice that your MIL is happy to be a grandma but it's not about her at the moment. I think your MIL should ease the burden on you by cooking your tea and doing any chores you need doing like washing not taking your baby away.

Hey! Don't feel bad about it! It's perfectly understandable.

I remember when my DD was newborn, I couldn't bear the thought of her feeling 'loved' by anyone but me. I wanted my bond with her to ve the first and most special.

Both your DH and MIL are trying to help, but maybe you could jokingly say how you're feeling a bit 'left out' and not needed. Hopefully they will try to be sensitive to you.

I hated anyone having my babies. I remember letting DMIL carry DS in carrier when he was 5 days old and within about 3 seconds I was screaming inside 'give him back'. I didn't let anyone except DH do that again and kept my babies close on the early weeks.

It's really normal to want to keep baby close and a very good thing for bf. you will spot your baby's feeding cues much better than anyone else and respond. Very often another person will mistake feeding cues for fretting and try to pat/comfort baby rather than bring to you for feed.

By all means let her have cuddles but do not feel you owe her time with baby or should let her have a long time. Cuddles while you go to loo of grab lunch are best, or let her do nappy changes, wind baby etc. But never feel bad about keeping your baby close to you

very very normal. Don't fret at all, I remember having a conversation with dh about similar just after dd was born. And worse, being furious with my own father for having the audacity to hug and kiss my baby. It will get easier in time, but you have every right to be a bit tiger mummy at the moment, you're still bonding and getting used to your new role. If you can, talk to your dh or mil about it, preface with "i know i'm being irrational, but...". You may find your mil more understanding than you expect - she is a mum too...

As others have said it is normal :) try to get your rest while she sleeps and let nanny have cuddles when you are there

You sound normal to me. She's a week old your biologically wired to meet her every need as her mummy. Plus your short on sleep which makes you feel all over the place without all the hormones in your system. Talk to your MIL i'm sure she is only trying to help and would be horrified to know she's part of making you feel like this.

very very normal. Don't fret at all, I remember having a conversation with dh about similar just after dd was born. And worse, being furious with my own father for having the audacity to hug and kiss my baby. It will get easier in time, but you have every right to be a bit tiger mummy at the moment, you're still bonding and getting used to your new role. If you can, talk to your dh or mil about it, preface with "i know i'm being irrational, but...". You may find your mil more understanding than you expect - she is a mum too...

I notice you said this: "dh said his mum can take care of dd for a little while after I've fed her (ebf) so I can rest."

Are you actually ok with the arrangement in the first place, since it seems to have been "decided" for you? You don't have to let MIL have your DD. You could take her into bed with you whilst you rest - this is what I did and plan to do again come Sept/Oct when DS2 arrives.

Don't apologise for your feelings. I would feel EXACTLY the same as you. In fact when my DS was born I REALLY DIDN'T want anybody to hold him apart from me, his dad or my mum. You sound very normal

You have just had a baby and have normal, natural, strong maternal instincts. But unlike many new mummies you have someone on hand to give you a break and to let you rest a bit. Welcome it with open arms - rest, recuperate, recover, and from somewhere deep within, hard though it is, try to rake up a bit of thankfulness that there is someone else there for you and baby. I remember crying buckets when ds was born because I knew I would never have coped without a dh and a mum to help in the first few weeks and I felt a total failure and knew, if I was a single mum with no help, I'd have been high and dry.

Love your baby. Rest, sleep, gain strength and learn to deal with what is a most challenging and confusing time.

I felt like that. I had to fight every instinct I had when my twins were born, to allow my mother or in laws to have them for a bit while I slept. I think it's probably a natural, hormonal response to do with establishing breastfeeding. If it's too difficult for you to share the baby right now I'd try to have a conversation with her about it. She might understand. I actually look back with regret now at that time because people were always taking the babies off me when I should have been tucked up in bed with them for as long as I needed, instead of trying to please or include everyone. You don't get that time back.

You poor thing - I felt just the same. I had to leave my baby when he was 5 days old for about half an hour (to see my gp). I sobbed and sobbed! My gp was quite worried

Your baby is the most precious thing and you're getting to know each other. It's the most natural thing in the world to want to keep her with you. As others have said, don't feel pressurised into handing her over. I promise you won't feel like this forever, but you're in the very early stages of your relationship with her.

And congratulations on becoming a Mummy!

sorry for double post - stupid phone! I also want to echo others' comments on the biological necessity of feeling like this - you need to spend lots of time cuddling with your baby to help your milk supply. Mil can do lots of other things to help out but you and baby need to 'imprint' on one another and your hormones make you feel this way to help you do this. Can she help with housework, meals, nappies etc instead? Not as nice for her, granted, but you will value so much more.

Congratulations !

It's very early days with your new baby, and living with 3 generations will often cause some tensions.

Your MIL is obviously thrilled with "her" new grand-daughter too. But there's no reason you should feel you have to hand your dd over for a couple of hours every day. I think that's too long. 10 minute cuddles you'd probably be fine with?
And in a few weeks time you might be very happy for her to have her for an hour or two whilst you go to the shops or whatever. But not just yet !

Try to talk with OH and MIL and explain that though you appreciate her kindness you don't feel ready for such long breaks from your dd just yet. I hope everyone will be very understanding ! Enjoy your beautiful new daughter !!

Oh and another thing that might be similar to your experience - we had lots of visitors after dd was born and they all wanted a cuddle with her - I felt they only handed her back to me when she got hungry and wanted a feed, so I wasn't getting enough of the nice, contented cuddle time with her !

I can really understand you just want some time to enjoy your new dd - maybe just you and her sometimes

It's normal, my lo is 5 months old now and everyone still wants to hold him/ have cuddles/ feed him every time (and as soon as) they see him. In my head I begrudge handing him over but it's good for him to get used to being with other people than me.

That said, your lo is still very young, you had a hard time carrying her and your hormones will still be crazy. Don't be so hard on yourself, itll get easier.

You are biologically designed to keep your baby close - so you don't leave her anywhere - and to fight off bears or other mothers who want to wipe out your dc to leave more food for theirs. In this context your lovely mil is a bear.