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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I think I am - but why do I feel like this about my baby?

52 replies

Whydoifeelikethis · 18/05/2012 18:34

My little girl is one week old tomorrow. She is my first baby and I had quite a difficult pregnancy and labour.
Because of certain issues I don't want to go into we live with my mother in law.
She is a nice lady, likes to be helpful and involved and I appreciate that. I have one major issue though - I am jealous when she has my dd! I've been getting little sleep so dh said his mum can take care of dd for a little while after I've fed her (ebf) so I can rest. I agreed but I can't rest!! I don't know why I feel so anxious! We're all in the same house! I don't want to feel like this and it's pretty irrational.
She loves her "nanny time" and I feel bad but I keep trying to find excuses so she can't take her away from me. She posted on Facebook earlier "having some special nanny time and cuddles with xxxx" and I just burst into tears when I saw it! Why am I doing this??
When it's just me and dd I am pretty chilled out - i don't hold her constantly or anything so why do I react like this? I know it's only for say a couple of hours a day but I feel horrible about it :(

OP posts:

missmalteser · 18/05/2012 19:13

Aw op I still feel like this sometimes and dd2 is 2! When she is cuddling anyone else i am always happy when she comes to me, it feels like she's back where she belongs :) I would explain how you feel to your mil, start of the Convo asking if she ever remembers feeling the same way and I'm sure she will take the hint, and just tell your dh outright it's too soon, there is plenty of time and cuddles for everyone but this time is especially special for you both so please enjoy!

princessofpersians · 18/05/2012 19:14

Congratulations! What you're feeling is completely normal.

Dd has just gone with my mil for the night and i burst onto tears as they drove off and i feel so jealous of mil!

Enjoy the rest time.

bettybat · 18/05/2012 19:19

You are completely hard wired to be with your baby all the time right now - I'm sure your DH and MIL have the absolute best intentions, but you are the one that knows what you need...which is not rest time away from your baby, but rest time with your baby! We are the only mammal that separates itself from its young. I hate that old antiquated way of thinking, that mother needs time away to rest - your baby wants you, you want your baby...it's really no more complicated than that :)

If you feel you can, explain to your MIL that you would prefer to spend time together, that you need the cuddling time, and if she could just support you in other ways, you're more than happy for MIL to be around with you but your baby stays firmly with you...that you do not need time away from your baby!

ChitChatFlyingby · 18/05/2012 19:31

You know what, my MIL came to stay with us to give me a hand when my DSs were born. She cooked, cleaned, kept DH busy so he wouldn't fret, made sure the house was quiet when I wanted to sleep, but she NEVER took DS off me unless 'I' asked her to hold him for a bit (especially one particular evening when he had been crying non-stop for hours and I was beside myself and needed someone to just hold him for me so I could get away from the crying). If DH tried to 'tell' me what was happening with DS she quickly put a stop to it (in fact when he asked her to come and help us when DS was to be born she told him it wasn't up to him who was around but up to me.)

She watched me carefully, but I didn't feel spied on. One afternoon after a terrible night they came home from being out and I had managed to have a shower, get dressed in some 'nice clothes' and put some make up on - she admitted later to feeling very relieved seeing that I was feeling bright enough to as she had been concerned I might have had a bit of PND given how bad DS was (was lactose intolerent - temporarily - and feeding was very painful for him until we discovered that).

Up until this moment I never realised just how right she was in what type of care she offered me.... I always thought it was a bit odd that she didn't want to take DS and hold him loads, but I guess knew that I needed to hold and bond with him myself. (I luff my MIL!!!!)

Jojay · 18/05/2012 19:38

Chitchat, your MIL sounds heaven sent!

And a very astute woman. Good for her and lucky you

rosycheeksmum · 18/05/2012 19:40

Congratulations! YANBU. I am a bit better now DS is nearly 6 months but hated other people holding my babies and wanted to grab them back.

MsPaperbackWriter · 18/05/2012 19:45

If you don't want people holding your baby then just say so. Noone held my babies but me and dh in the first month. What you feel is perfectly normal. If only more Mil's were like chit-chat's - she should write a book on how to be a good mil!

griphook · 18/05/2012 20:09

My baby is 15 days and I really don't like other people holding him, felt the same way with ds1, if your mil is offering help ask her to cook or clean to help out rather than hold baby

SodoffBaldrick · 18/05/2012 20:09

Perfectly normal. My in-laws arrived to stay before I even got home from hospital and stayed for 2 weeks and in a lot of ways it was a wasted visit - I was hormonal, establishing breastfeeding and bonding and barely wanted DD out of my arms, let alone sight. Same with DS although we had a few more days before they arrived with him. It's a normal, needed phase. It passes.

Original poster

Whydoifeelikethis · 18/05/2012 20:11

Thank you for the replies everyone! I had a chat with dh and I tried to explain how I feel, I don't think he really got it, he just doesn't understand why I'm being so possessive ( I am not like this with him at all btw! I love seeing them together and she loves sleeping on his chest)
I appreciate all the help - I have to say I haven't done anything but eat & sleep for the past week.
I guess I will loosen up at some point and there will be a time when I will need her to be minded by someone else but I am just not comfortable with it now and I can't change how I feel...

OP posts:

ceebeegeebies · 18/05/2012 20:12

It is perfectly normal to feel like this.

I remember when DS1 was about a week old, MIL came round to visit for a few hours. We were all sat in the lounge watching the golf and I was literally falling asleep and really struggling to stay awake so DH and MIL were encouraging me to go upstairs for a nap (and trust me, I usually don't need any encouragement as I love my naps) but I just couldn't bear to leave DS1 with MIL (even though DH was there) - irrational behaviour but those hormones do funny things.

ChitChatFlyingby · 18/05/2012 20:50

JoJay - she's fab. She will happily give me what for if she thinks I'm being an idiot though!!! But she has loads of DC and GDC, she also had completely crap MIL and 'D'M and vowed she would be better.

She's a tough cookie, can't put anything past her. Scared the crap out of me when I was first going out with my DH. But she's the one that gives me confidence that my DSs can always be close to me even when they have their own families, my DH talks to her several times a week and when they or we visit he and she have loads of alone time.

sparkle12mar08 · 18/05/2012 20:57

I actually screamed "Just give me my bloody baby!" at my FIL when ds2 was four days old I am eternally grateful that he simply handed him over and squeezed my shoulder in support, and has never once mentioned how hormonally crazed I was For me those first couple of weeks were a totally primal experience - the emotions are so intense they overide your existing norms.

dearprudence · 18/05/2012 21:04

One week! That's a tiny, tiny baby and of course you want to hold her. How lovely that you have that instinct to bond.

I remember being at a family party when DS was very small. He was being passed around in the time-honoured fashion and I was just desperate to get him back. Even though it was my family, I had to whisper to DH to get him back for me, because it was almost a physical pain not to hold him.

It's also great that your DD has other people to love her too, but it's so very early in her life, you shouldn't guilty about following your own instincts and keeping her close.

megapixels · 18/05/2012 21:07

Very normal. I was like this too. You don't have to feel that you're wrong in some way to feel like this. I think it's nature's way of making sure that you spend enough time with baby and bond with her. I was like this too, didn't even like dh holding our pfb too much, I wanted her to be just mine, mine mine .

bussfucket · 18/05/2012 21:29

In some other cultures, and in our own in the past, soon-to-be mothers and just-had-it mothers vanished off into a sort of purdah called 'lying in'. It's disappeared now in modern western Europe, as it was associated with the old christian idea of 'churching' new mothers and a rather horrid idea that women who had recently given birth were in some way 'unclean', but at least it gave new mothers a breathing space to get to grips with their new baby. Another downside was that fathers were excluded too, but apart from that aspect, I can't help wishing that we still automatically gave new mothers a lot more privacy and understanding than they currently seem to get. And I'm including officious government busybodies in this one!
Do try to talk quietly to MIL about how you feel, she will probably be able to remember her own emotions when DH was newborn.

MrsFlippingHeck · 18/05/2012 22:57

Me and Dh had a massive row and I spent all night sobbing when Dd was tiny all because MIL had asked him if she could perhaps take Dd for a walk in her pram..... round the garden.

Talk to Mil just be honest and explain you're not ready to let DD out of your sight.

Iteotwawki · 18/05/2012 23:14

Very very normal!

For what it's worth, my boys are 4&6 and when my MiL stayed with us (for 4 months...) I felt exactly the same when they went to her room in the morning for cuddles instead of into ours as they normally would. I work full time (my decision I know) but I get so so jealous of the time she's able to spend with them. I also hated that she cleaned, she cooked, she did their ironing - I felt like she was trying to take my role away. (she has since moved out and I have completely recovered from my aversion to her cleaning and ironing!)

At 1 week you don't want anyone to be taking your baby apart from his father. She can help you rest by looking after the house and can get cuddles when you decide you're ready, not when someone else decides it for you.

Oh and I would have been livid if MiL had posted comments on FB! Sure all done with best intentions but at a week old I'd have assumed they were snarky comments designed to upset me and run my face in that she was cuddling my boy and I wasn't. I'm hoping that's normal too!

Congratulations on your baby

JugglingWithTangentialOranges · 18/05/2012 23:21

sparkle - I could have easily screamed that just after DDs birth. I had her in a water pool and, after a really quick cuddle for me and dd, the midwife gave her to DH to hold while I got out of the pool. As soon as I got out I had an overwhelming desire to have her back, with the words "Can I have her back please" trying to burst out of me ! I had to wait a few minutes ( stage 3 stuff)
before I got her back, all wrapped up in a towel. Was still great to have her back but I could have done without the separation. Later DH got to have another cuddle whilst I was sent to another room to have a bath, which also felt pretty weird.
I think you've started a very interesting thread here WhyDoI And I agree with
bussfucket that maybe we need to be thinking of having much quieter, less sociable first few days and weeks for new mothers, with plenty of time and space for mother and baby to simply be together

PeppermintLatte · 19/05/2012 10:58

i think this is normal, it's nature at work.

i remember after couple of days after having DD (had to stay in hospital for a week - bad birth) the MW insisted i go and get a shower at around 8.30pm, i had to leave DD on her own in my cubicle. i didn't feel strong enough to tell her that i didn't want to shower. those few minutes were unbearable, i was sobbing as i was washing! i just desperately wanted to go back to her.

congratulations! just be honest and say you would rather not be separated at the minute, she is a mother herself, she will understand. it will pass in a month or two and you'll be delighted with a break!

pommedechocolat · 22/05/2012 19:09

As others have said - very normal I definitely had it. I, going to stick my neck out and say its because babies should be with their mothers not their nannies in the early weeks. They need you with the only exception being their daddy. Mil's 'nanny time' can wait for a good month or two IMO.

pommedechocolat · 22/05/2012 19:13

I still feel a bit like it tbh and dds are 2 and 3 months. Problem is working how I can hold both of them all the time :)

LynetteScavo · 22/05/2012 19:17

Your DD is one week old! Of course you don't want anyone else even holding her. It sent me all dizzy if any one else held my baby too long (longer than I was comfortable with, which was probably about 2 mins). I think it's totally natural. For the first two weeks you are still establishing breast feeding, so nature is telling you to stick together.

FootprintsInTheSnow · 22/05/2012 19:18

Could you channel your MIL into something else? Looking after you & dh, cooking meals, taking photos ...?

LynetteScavo · 22/05/2012 19:20

I remember a relatives neighbour holding DD when she was a couple of weeks old.

DH had known this woman since he was a child, but I barely knew her. I was hissing to DH though gritted teeth "get my baby back", and was nearly in tears.

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