To think that a lot of women on MN are married to idiots?

[fluffiphlox]

Bullying idiots.
Cruel idiots.
Mummy's boy idiots.
Unfaithful idiots.
Financially abusive etc.etc.
What were these women thinking? Is this the danger of looking for a sperm donor rather than a life-partner and friend? Some threads even seem to indicate that there were indications before marriage and the women chose to ignore them.
I am being deliberately provocative of course but is there a grain of truth?

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Well I think, in my more rational moments,mrgin, that most people are, in fact, a bit loopy, male and female alike, otherwise, why would be on here typing vigorously at strangers?

It's not sexist, I'm sure a lot of women are idiots too (hands up if you enjoy TOWIE and read Sophie Kinsella novels)

everyone can be an idiot at times this is a place to have a moan

bullying is something very different, i doubt many see that their partners are bullies until later on in the relationship when the bullying steps up and the mr nice guy appears less and less and the op is often tryign to make sense of what is going on that is why they post on here

What a negative way of viewing the world. My ex was a complete arse, and my first ever boyfriend cheated on me, BUT I still trust my husband. I know that I would never cheat, and I don't think I'm that remarkable, so I live by the mantra of loving like you've never been hurt.

It would be very unfair to punish my hubby for the morons I dated before him.

"Some threads even seem to indicate that there were indications before marriage and the women chose to ignore them."

Which threads? I'd like to see them, link?

Because ime abusive, horrible men don't tend to show their true colours till a fair way down the line. In fact it is well known that many abusive men only begin to abuse when their wife/partner becomes pregnant or gives birth.

If a bloke showed what a twunt he was or could be on the first date then you'd be off. That's how they reel you in, it's all beautiful and perfect to begin with and that's what you're always trying to get to because you know how they CAN be........

Read up about the dynamics of abuse and stop victim blaming.

Emma, while I agree with what you say I think that in some situations women do see red flags in their relationships which they do ignore. It's just that it's trite to say they choose to do so, because it's more complex than that.

If you grow up seeing abusive relationships as normal and likely as a result of that then have low self-esteem, then it takes a bit of a shift in your thinking to be able to see that as not normal IYSWIM.

I guess the thing is... how many people are going to post just to say "I love my marriage and DH is great."

People who are happy don't generally need to post about their happiness, so the posts that come through are from people who have some problem or other and generally want support/advice.

Life is a learning experience, and different for all of us, so what might seem incredibly obvious to one of us (especially when it comes to red flags in partners), might not be obvious to someone else.

Likewise, all of us (except the perfect ones ) will have some challenges somewhere in life, whether that be health, happiness, finance, weight, relationships, job, friends etc. etc. where the solution may elude us, but seems obvious to someone else.

akaemmafrost. I'm not really in to victim blaming, I will leave that to the Daily Mail. But there certainly has been a thread recently about red flags that people have chosen to ignore. And I understand that at the first red flag you might choose to ignore it on the grounds of not believing your eyes and ears. But when do you wake up? How far does it have to go before you say thus far and no further? (I don't mean you personally, but one?). If I have ever commented on a Relationships thread, which hasn't been often, I have, I think been sympathetic to the poster.

Probably a lot of people are married/with to idiots and not just on MN . That's why I am happy to be single!

Well kelly that might be the most sensible thing anyone has said so far!

Well I think, in my more rational moments, mrgin, that most people are, in fact, a bit loopy, male and female alike

Well I don't disagree, but if that's what you think then perhaps try not to write OP's that single out one gender as being the guilty party.

What were these women thinking? Is this the danger of looking for a sperm donor rather than a life-partner and friend? Some threads even seem to indicate that there were indications before marriage and the women chose to ignore them.

I think in the main its women having laugh or a good old therapeutic moan, but there are some women in very crap relationships, some women who seem crap at relationships, and some real man haters on the board as well.

Like life I think....

red flags are much easier to see in hinsight

they may be seen but then their partner will overwhelme them with love and attention so they are pushed aside, they may suffer from low self esteem, blame themselves there are many reasons why at times they are not seen or seen and swept under the carpet

it is so easy to say well that was a red flag when you are not taking into account everything going on in the relationship and in their lives and how they feel about themselves

emma, I echo what ChooChoo said. I'd never even heard of 'red flags' until after my second divorce, and certainly didn't recognise them as harbingers of abuse. I thought they were areas of difference, which could be worked out, and/or simple quirks that I could live with.

Saying that DA targets ignore red flags isn't victim-blaming; it's insight. I'm very glad so many partners of twunts post on MN, because their threads help others to know what they're looking at.

Well more women than men post on MN, I would say. Of course I am only making an inference about that. And my post was about women on MN, not women in general.

That was to MrGin BTW^

fluff - I agree. I know there are often good reasons such as abusive childhoods or low self esteem that mean people do ignore a series of red flags. But it doesn't mean that they weren't there.

And my post was about women on MN, not women in general

Do you mean, more accurately, women on MN who post in relationships ?

Yes,mrgin possibly, in the main. But also the moans and groans on AIBU and Chat where there doesn't seem much evidence of posters cutting their OH some slack and giving and taking. ( I'm referring to the niggly things here, not bullying and nastiness.) I'm not a big fan BTW of saying ALL women do this, and ALL men do that. I don't think you will find any evidence of my saying that anywhere.

I think the red flags become more apparent when someone posts online to strangers. They are trying to condense the whole of their reality into just a few sentences, so focus on certain details. In RL, these details are probably swamped under all the unrelated irrelevant stuff of life.

I think trying to understand why people do things you wouldn't is about understanding that other people's life experience may be vastly different to yours.

Wondering why someone would put up with a rubbish relationship because you wouldn't is probably because you had/have a better sense of self worth. Maybe they grew up watching men shouting at, abusing or even hitting women. Perhaps they were surrounded by misogynist thinking, with comments about women drivers and the like being seen as funny. Perhaps male infidelity was viewed as normal and women were viewed as possessions.

You should count yourself lucky that you were brought up to value yourself better.

I think red flags tbh can be easier to see from the outside, whether online or in rl. Not always - there are charming, lovely partners who are abusive behind closed doors. But the lazy and selfish DP's are usually pretty obvious to anyone from outside

But there certainly has been a thread recently about red flags that people have chosen to ignore. And I understand that at the first red flag you might choose to ignore it on the grounds of not believing your eyes and ears. But when do you wake up? How far does it have to go before you say thus far and no further?

Sadly some women are so worn down they don't 'wake up' for YEARS.

Some don't wake up at all. Ever.

2 women a WEEK are killed by their partners in the UK.

You ARE blaming victims. You really are.

Thank your lucky stars that you are as ill-informed as you are, but please, don't go around starting needless threads about it.

Most threads are just plain biased though...as is the nature of internet forums.

If you witness an argument between two people, and then hear each person later telling their account to someone else...it will nearly always be biased.

They will nearly always leave out the part where they did/said something wrong but they'll nearly always make the other person's part sound worse than it was. I'm sure that happens a lot here too.

Also, when someone posts that their DH called them a 'fucking stupid cow', other people will often say "He's abusive".

But when someone posts that they called their DH a 'fucking stupid git', if someone points out they're abusive, others will say often say 'I don't blame you' or 'Well you're bound to be snappy, you're tired'.

It's the same when someone says "I left my abusive Husband because....."

We'll obviously never hear the Husband's side and he might have said, "I split up with my abusive Wife because....."