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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another blooming wedding and children - sorry

67 replies

mollycuddles · 15/05/2012 22:24

I know iabu discussing this as if ever an issue had been done to death but I'm just torn.
I'll be as brief as I can. My DB is getting married to his long term male partner in new York in September. My parents are going but have never come to terms with him being gay. Me and dh and ds and dd1 are invited. My parents don't think ds14 or dd11 should go as they'd be witnessing something immoral. My dcs don't see their uncle's wedding as any different from the other upcoming wedding of their female cousin to her boyfriend. I don't want my dcs to miss their uncle's wedding not least because it would look as if I'm agreeing with my parents. I've spoken to their school and they are ok with them missing a couple of days as there's no way we can do NYC in a weekend.
So what's the problem - dd2 who will be 2.5 and isn't invited. No kids under 8 at the event.
I get that it's their day and respect that. It won't be child friendly (v posh with string quartet and about 20 courses of minute amounts of fancy food I don't know the name of). DB has offered to source a nanny who can look after dd2 a few blocks away - very vague about the detail tbh. I'm nervous about the concept of leaving her with a stranger not immediately at hand as she's pretty clingy to me at times and being away from home and jetlagged will hardly improve that. DB doesn't like kids and thinks he's being really reasonable allowing the other 2 to come. He has very Victorian views on children whereas I'm a hippy/attachment parenting/breastfeeding to at least two etc
What to do?

OP posts:

LiegeAndLief · 15/05/2012 22:32

Personally I wouldn't leave my dd (who is nearly 3) with a stranger in a strange place when jet-lagged. I'd struggle with leaving my 5yo, and so would he. Maybe your dh could stay at the hotel with her? I can't really think of any other options...

Inertia · 15/05/2012 22:32

Don't go./ Not because the wedding is immoral, but because your brother is being an arse in expecting you to happily dump your toddler with some random in a different part of the city.

squeakytoy · 15/05/2012 22:34

Have you got grandparents or relatives on your husbands side of the family who she could stay with and have a mini holiday of her own?

oranges · 15/05/2012 22:35

I don't think you can ask someone to fly to another country for a wedding and not bring their children. The gay/immoral bit is a red herring. the issue is more that you can't possibly leave your toddler with someone you don't know in a different country.

musicposy · 15/05/2012 22:35

I can't see that your DB can possibly think it's because you're agreeing with your parents when one of your children isn't invited.

I'd make it quite clear. You're very happy for them. You'd love to go. You get why he doesn't want young children there.

In return he has to get that you aren't going to leave your youngest with a stranger and go without her.

Eurostar · 15/05/2012 22:39

It does sound quite unreasonable from him - it's just one child after all at the wedding and it is his sister's child so other's less close who might have had to leave DC with a sitter should understand. You are travelling all that way as a family so it is not as if there is a friend or family you can leave them with. All his close friends whom he trusts will presumably be at the wedding so it only leaves a professional service or maybe a friend of his family to look after her. He should understand that she is not luggage to be put in storage during the event.

Yama · 15/05/2012 22:40

LiegeAndLief has a good suggestion. You and your dh could perhaps tag team looking after her throughout the day/night. Not ideal but a possible solution.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 15/05/2012 22:41

Agree with oranges. The gay bit is by the by. You're flying thousands of miles at someone else's behest and are expected to dump your toddler with a stranger. If you're not comfortable with it, don't go. I wouldn't tbh.

fuzzysnout · 15/05/2012 22:45

Not relevant that he is gay. He is being an arse. Of course anyone is quite within rights to have a child free wedding but he can't seriously expect his own DSis to dump her youngest with a stranger in a different country. Either you are close enough to tell him he is out of order & he will take it on board, or else send your good wishes and spend your money on a nice family holiday.

lostInMyHouse · 15/05/2012 22:46

I wouldn't leave a DC of mine in that situation and disorientation and tiredness are going to make the clingyness worse and lead to a very distressed DC.

People who don?t have DC sometimes just don?t ?get it?.

You could leave your 2.5 year old with people you are happy with in the UK for the duration.

You could try sourcing childcare you are happy with at the wedding location ? possibly hard if you don?t know anyone there.

You could all go out then one parent stop with the DC ? or swap part way through.

You could all not go and spend the money else where ? just making clear the reason is youngest not being invited.

Or you could try explaining the we don?t leave DC with strangers ? very few parents would be happy the anxiety this would create would be both distressing for DC and for her mother ? to try and see if that causes a change in their attitude ? but I doubt it would or if youngest got an invite it wouldn?t cause more problems

PatsysPyjamas · 15/05/2012 22:46

Can you talk your brother round? Or could you leave all three children at home with family/ close friends for a weekend? It seems more inappropriate to bring 2/3 of your children than none of them... plus you might get a nice (much cheaper) grown up weekend in NY.

PatsysPyjamas · 15/05/2012 22:47

I wouldn't leave the toddler at home without the other children.

AnyoneforTurps · 15/05/2012 22:49

YANBU - we had a largely child-free wedding (due to a small venue) but anyone coming a long distance brought their kids along. If you tag-team with your DH, neither of you will enjoy the day much. You'll be spending thousands to cross the Atlantic for your DB"s big day - if he expects you to attend, he needs to invite the whole family.

Have you asked him about the "no under 8s" rule? If he is worried about your DD2 crying during the actual ceremony, would he be reassured if you promise you or your DH will pop outside with her?

lostInMyHouse · 15/05/2012 22:49

At 2.5 I would have though a weekend with doting well known grandparents - if avalibale and willing or aunty/uncle- would be more fun than a long flight, strange place and possible being left with unknow person in unknown location.

lostInMyHouse · 15/05/2012 22:50

and - that should be or - be the jist is someone somewhere familiar.

lostInMyHouse · 15/05/2012 22:51

I give up - hope you find a solution you like OP.

Original poster

mollycuddles · 15/05/2012 22:56

Dh has no relatives available unfortunately. Dmil sadly died, dpil bloody useless and his sibs aren't around. Anyone close enough to dd2 to look after her will be at the wedding.
I can only see 3 options - forget it, talk DB around or go on my own. Now I'm sure loads of people would love to go away to NYC leaving dh and kids at home but I'm not one of them. I haven't left dd2 overnight yet and I'm a pathetically nervous flyer.
I'd be ok with a nanny at the venue but the idea of her being excluded from the photos etc just annoys me.
DB just doesn't see the point of children tbh. He never has. We were very close when we were younger but since I had children we've drifted apart but in the end he's still my brother.

OP posts:

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 15/05/2012 22:57

If you can find willing relatives in the UK, I would leave the 2.5 year old at home. Can't imagine how horrible a long flight would be with a 2.5 year old, then how bored they will be at the wedding etc. The older two will appreciate NYC, while a 2and a half year old won't.

Jaimelechocolat · 15/05/2012 22:57

It's his niece! No way would I leave my child in that situation. Talk to him again - spell it out for him. Before I had children I didn't have a clue - his thinking is not in 'parent mode'. If he still says no, none of you go.

I'm sure she would make a gorgeous flower girl.

RightBuggerforit · 16/05/2012 03:31

What?? Don't go, that's mad! No way would I drag my 2 yr old half way across the globe to abandon her with a stranger for a few hours - not for anyone's wedding or anything else! DB is being really U. Either get him to invite all of you or don't go.

Thumbwitch · 16/05/2012 03:43

I seriously wouldn't go. He might be your brother, but you're his sister and those are his nieces and nephew! Blood ties cut both ways or not at all, IMO.

ChasedByBees · 16/05/2012 03:45

I wouldn't go - he's making it impossible for you with those conditions. I'd probably try and visit to celebrate their nuptials when you can all get together. Another option could be as someone suggested that DH stays with the 2.5 yr old but in that situation I'd only stay for the ceremony and then treat it like a holiday with my family.

stella1w · 16/05/2012 06:01

I'd say you could try to ask your DB why no under 8s - is it because of noise during ceremony or because of expense or because they kind of cramp his style.. but honestly, the fact he has already excluded dd2 makes me wonder if it is worth talking to him.
I used to live in NYC, and in fact am here now but no way would I leave a 2.5 year old (jet lagged etc) with a stranger. And I wouldn't leave her 3,000 miles away at home either.
I wouldn't go, if I were you. This has happened to me a couple of times.. I was invited to cross the atlantic but expected to leave my bfeeding four month old with an unknown sitter (who would also be looking after god knows how many kids) during the ceremony. I declined and the bridegroom's mother was very offended but in fact the policy was at some point reversed, presumably because I wasn't the only one who baulked at it.
And my DS barred my 3 year old from her ten minute civil partnership ceremony and drinks do, but said she was doing me a big favour by letting her to go the tea.. So I was somehow meant to attend the ceremony, go get my daughter to the tea and then get rid of her for the drinks. I didn't go.

HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans · 16/05/2012 06:14

I can't imagine he would happily exclude his dh2b for anything so why should you exclude your dc.

I think tge only compromise I would be slightly ok with trying would be a nanny/babysitter at the venue. At least then I could be there if needed and feel comfortable myself.

If you get married abroad you have to accept some will not be able to make it.

If you exude children then you have to accept some will not be able to make it.

Just make it clear to you Fb, and your mum, it's due to lo and not the wedding itself.

SailorVie · 16/05/2012 06:28

I wouldn't go if I were you. I'm going through something similar at the moment, my DB is getting married this weekend and he has excluded my DS1 who's 2, which I could sort of understand. However he has also excluded my 5 wk old DD from the event. He does not understand why I can't leave a breastfed newborn all day with bottles of formula. Needless to say, we're not going to the wedding.

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