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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another blooming wedding and children - sorry

67 replies

mollycuddles · 15/05/2012 22:24

I know iabu discussing this as if ever an issue had been done to death but I'm just torn.
I'll be as brief as I can. My DB is getting married to his long term male partner in new York in September. My parents are going but have never come to terms with him being gay. Me and dh and ds and dd1 are invited. My parents don't think ds14 or dd11 should go as they'd be witnessing something immoral. My dcs don't see their uncle's wedding as any different from the other upcoming wedding of their female cousin to her boyfriend. I don't want my dcs to miss their uncle's wedding not least because it would look as if I'm agreeing with my parents. I've spoken to their school and they are ok with them missing a couple of days as there's no way we can do NYC in a weekend.
So what's the problem - dd2 who will be 2.5 and isn't invited. No kids under 8 at the event.
I get that it's their day and respect that. It won't be child friendly (v posh with string quartet and about 20 courses of minute amounts of fancy food I don't know the name of). DB has offered to source a nanny who can look after dd2 a few blocks away - very vague about the detail tbh. I'm nervous about the concept of leaving her with a stranger not immediately at hand as she's pretty clingy to me at times and being away from home and jetlagged will hardly improve that. DB doesn't like kids and thinks he's being really reasonable allowing the other 2 to come. He has very Victorian views on children whereas I'm a hippy/attachment parenting/breastfeeding to at least two etc
What to do?

OP posts:
parachutesarefab · 16/05/2012 06:45

Have a wonderful time in NY with DS and DD1, DH has a fun weekend at home with DD2.

Downandoutnumbered · 16/05/2012 06:51

I'd have said go alone without your DH or DC, but I see that you're a nervous flyer and wouldn't actually want to do that - in which case, I agree with those who say don't go at all. Spend the money on something nice to do as a family.

I speak from experience - my siblings don't like or have any interest in children, and since DS was born we've drifted apart. Sad, but that's life.

Gumby · 16/05/2012 06:54

I'd do the same as parachute
You don't have to do everything together just because you're married

SimplySoo · 16/05/2012 06:56

DH should look after your 2.5 year old, you and older kids should go to wedding. Simple.

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 16/05/2012 07:04

I wouldn't go either. It's not fair. Not everyone is ok with nannies and if you don't want that, then there is no alernative...tell him you're very sad bout it but that you would never try to force his hand about the under 8 rule as it's his wedding day...but that you simply cannot go abroad without the baby and that you've never left her with strangers and don't plan to start now.

SundaeGirl · 16/05/2012 07:22

Do you actually want to go to the wedding? It sort of sounds as though you only half want to. in which case, it might be worth spending some of the cash on something very personalised and lavish for your DB so he feels you've made a big effort for his wedding - you just haven't gone.

If you want to go, email him. What about somthing like: Say that you can find the time and the money to to come and would love to be there for him. However, you can't leave DD2 with a stranger in a foreign country in a different time zone. The stress would take the edge off all the fun and undermine any sense of 'family occasion' for you. You get it that he doesn't understand this, but actually it's pretty normal for parents to feel this way about their very small children so he mustn't take offence - you are still very much his adoring sister.

Personally, I'd just not go but that's because my family are dram queens and this would just be another episode.

MrsMuddyPuddles · 16/05/2012 07:35

Any chance you could get your mum to skip the wedding and babysit your DD instead? It would be a win-win solution: DM can avoid something she feels uncomfortable with immoral? serously? WTF is she going then?!, your DD will be with someone she knows, and your DB won't have a toddler at his precious, posh wedding. I am cranky this am, clearly!

FredFredGeorge · 16/05/2012 07:56

If you want to go - and it sounds like you don't - taking someone who you would be happy leaving your DD with is another option, and possibly not that much more expensive than a nanny for the day if your accommodation won't be impacted by another person.

GrahamTribe · 16/05/2012 07:59

Why not just get your DH to entertain yout daughter elsewhere? It doesn't need to be a case of "DH staying at the hotel with her" martyrdom, NYC has loads of things to do and places they can go.

I really can't see what all the fuss is about. While I wouldn't leave my child with a stranger there's a perfectly good solution here in expecting the child's own father to care for his child singlehandedly for one day in a city with a huge amount to offer. Unless of course you just want to make the point that you're offended that your brother doesn't want small children ruining his wedding, in which case just tell him that you disagree with his choices and decline the invitation.

xkcdfangirl · 16/05/2012 08:01

I think it's really important that you should go and that your older children should be there.

They probably feel they need the "no children under 8" rule because some of their USA-based friends/relatives have enough kids that it would turn into a childrens' party if they didn't. They can and should make an exception for the niece of one of the grooms, which they wouldn't necessarily make for the sticky-and-loud twin five-year-olds of the other groom's college friend plus the myriad of other children of similar claim.

Possible compromise (depending if you or they are able to fund a slightly more expensive option) - see if the venue of the wedding itself has a suitable room that could be used by a nanny. The poshest wedding I went to recently had a room 2 doors down from the swanky dining room, which looked like it was normally used for meetings and/or small private lunches - that had been turned into a creche with 2 fully qualified nannies plus a helper and 9 children-of-guests of various ages. You could then agree that if DD is being quiet she can stay with you, and if she's being noisy she can go next door to the nanny and you can check on her/go and be with her for 10 minutes easily throughout the day rather than her being 2 blocks away.

xkcdfangirl · 16/05/2012 08:04

p.s. I don't particularly agree with the "wouldn't leave my DC with a stranger" replies - so long as they are from a reputable agency and have lots of good references they will be fine, and will probably be highly skilled at making friends with new children quickly. This isn't going to be a random person-off-the-street. You'd be more likely to have to deal with DD asking repeatedly for weeks when she can go and play with again!

TheCountessOlenska · 16/05/2012 08:12

I would be thrilled if I went to a wedding like the one described by xkcfangirl above - toddler wrangling at a wedding is no fun imo!!

OP, if you feel that you should be there I think the options suggested above of having either your mother or DH look after your DD for the day would be a good solution.

DonInKillerHeels · 16/05/2012 08:17

"You're very happy for them. You'd love to go. You get why he doesn't want young children there.

In return he has to get that you aren't going to leave your youngest with a stranger and go without her."

So well expressed. Forget the (non)issue of DB being gay, and this being a gay wedding. Your brother is being U to think you can leave a jet-lagged toddler with a stranger. Either you accept his terms - and DH looks after your DD while you're at the wedding - or you don't go. But not going has nothing to do with you rejecting your brother's sexuality. What he's asking you to do is just too hard.

DonInKillerHeels · 16/05/2012 08:18

And this is also a very good idea:

"Possible compromise (depending if you or they are able to fund a slightly more expensive option) - see if the venue of the wedding itself has a suitable room that could be used by a nanny."

GwendolineMaryLacey · 16/05/2012 08:38

It does make me laugh when people all jump in and say the DH should miss the wedding. Maybe he wants to go? My DH loves my family (and vice versa) and he'd have been gutted to miss my brother's wedding.

gramercy · 16/05/2012 10:09

But compromises will have to be made, and it does seem a reasonable solution for the OP to go with her older dcs to the wedding and the dh to stay at home with the 2-year-old. Then the OP also has hands to hold on the flight as she is nervous!

It would be a great trip for the older dcs and nice to do something with just mum when at the moment the little one is probably dominating her time.

redwineformethanks · 16/05/2012 10:44

I like the idea of your DM looking after your daughter.

Ithinkitsjustme · 16/05/2012 10:51

I wouldn't leave my 2.5 yr old with a stranger wherever we were, let alone a strange city. Would it be an idea to ask your parents to babysit, gives them a perfectly valid reason for missing the wedding and I would have thought your DB would have preferred you and your DH to be there than his disapproving parents.

LadyWord · 16/05/2012 10:56

If you all go, and check with the venue to see if there's somewhere for DD to hang put, surely everyone could take turns spending an hour or so watching her - you, DH, DS maybe, grandparents etc - so you'll all basically get to enjoy most of the wedding. If there's nowhere suitable, hire a campervan for the evening??

You can't miss this trip to NY!

LadyWord · 16/05/2012 10:59

Oh and just politely ignore your parents' views on the immorality etc. It's your decision what you take your kids to. One of the first weddings my DS went to was a civil partnership (when he was 3) and I'm happy that that will help him see gay relationships as normal and run-of-the-mill. If your parents are invited and are going, that suggests they may be prepared to come round a bit anyway, if you all stay friendly.

GnocchiNineDoors · 16/05/2012 11:04

I'm a "it's their wedding, if they want no kids there, fine" person BUT I do think it is VU of them to invite all but one of your children. How mean to exclude her.

I'd vote with my feet. "DB, if you want our family at your wedding, you need to invite us all, not 4 5ths of it"

Fwiw, your parents are BVU saying your kids should not witness this event. Homosexuality is normal. Banning them would make it seem 'wrong' or 'naughty'

nickelhasababy · 16/05/2012 11:07

i like the idea of your mum looking after your DD during the wedding.

oranges123 · 16/05/2012 11:19

We had something like this with a cousin's wedding which was no children and was out of the country (although not nearly so far away). In the end, my DH looked after DD (then 15 months) for the afternoon and came to the evening do for some drinks when my parents went back to babysit after the dinner, bless 'em. We all enjoyed the rest of the long weekend as a family.

Would your DH be keen enough on a long weekend in NY to do something similar, or could you take turns during the day?

If not, you are probably going to have to say no. You are being very reasonable being prepared to accept a nanny/sitter at the venue but are you sure your DD will be ok with it? I know mine at 2.5 would be inconsolable if I left her with a stranger even if I was in the same building and if yours reacted the same way, the day could be a big strain on everyone.

soverylucky · 16/05/2012 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lunar1 · 16/05/2012 11:41

You would be flying thousands of miles not popping a few miles up the M1!

If my DB did this I would tell him its all of you or none. I wouldn't leave my children with a stranger for anything, I also wouldn't leave your DH in a hotel room as a babysitter after travelling all that way. There is also nothing on this earth that would make me leave my boys at home and fly all that way

What is it about weddings that mean the couple need their guests to jump through all these ridiculous hoops!

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