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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another blooming wedding and children - sorry

67 replies

mollycuddles · 15/05/2012 22:24

I know iabu discussing this as if ever an issue had been done to death but I'm just torn.
I'll be as brief as I can. My DB is getting married to his long term male partner in new York in September. My parents are going but have never come to terms with him being gay. Me and dh and ds and dd1 are invited. My parents don't think ds14 or dd11 should go as they'd be witnessing something immoral. My dcs don't see their uncle's wedding as any different from the other upcoming wedding of their female cousin to her boyfriend. I don't want my dcs to miss their uncle's wedding not least because it would look as if I'm agreeing with my parents. I've spoken to their school and they are ok with them missing a couple of days as there's no way we can do NYC in a weekend.
So what's the problem - dd2 who will be 2.5 and isn't invited. No kids under 8 at the event.
I get that it's their day and respect that. It won't be child friendly (v posh with string quartet and about 20 courses of minute amounts of fancy food I don't know the name of). DB has offered to source a nanny who can look after dd2 a few blocks away - very vague about the detail tbh. I'm nervous about the concept of leaving her with a stranger not immediately at hand as she's pretty clingy to me at times and being away from home and jetlagged will hardly improve that. DB doesn't like kids and thinks he's being really reasonable allowing the other 2 to come. He has very Victorian views on children whereas I'm a hippy/attachment parenting/breastfeeding to at least two etc
What to do?

OP posts:

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 16/05/2012 11:47

I'd go with the older children, and leave the youngest at home with their father.

It'd be such a shame not to miss it. I see that your DB isn't keen on children (to be perfectly frank I'm not mad keen on them, en masse), but your oldest ones are young men now.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 16/05/2012 11:49

I see your DD is 11, and therefore is not a young man! I'd still go with the older ones.

ragged · 16/05/2012 12:00

I would go with my 2 age-acceptable DCs & leave DH behind with the toddler.

YouOldSlag · 16/05/2012 12:05

It's fine to get married abroad
It's fine to have a child free wedding
It's fine to make up any rules you want about your wedding.

It's NOT fine to be at all put out if your guests cannot meets your terms and conditions.

I agree with lunar- why should your toddler and your DH travel all that way and spend all that money to sit in a hotel room whilst everyone else has a party?

gramercy · 16/05/2012 12:30

So the ideal solution is for OP to go with two older children.

My nephew got married abroad and I went with dd; dh and ds stayed at home. It was too expensive for four of us to go and dd and I had a good time without the boys!

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 16/05/2012 12:40

Indeed, gramercy. I'd find it quite selfish to deny the older ones the experience in a fit of pique over the little one not being invited (all assuming finances are OK that is).

I doubt a 2.5 yo would get a great deal out of a wedding in New York, whereas the 14 and 11 yos (and the OP) would have a great time.

gramercy · 16/05/2012 12:45

In fact I'm now almost going round to the OP's house to order her to go with the older dcs! Jenai - you're right. It would be really off to deny the older ones this trip, and if the little one goes it will inevitably be all about naps and appropriate food and pushchairs etc etc, whereas if it's just the older ones you can do sightseeing and hopping on buses/subway - all things that a 2-year-old mucks up!

TheQueenOfSheba · 16/05/2012 12:46

DB has offered to source a nanny who can look after dd2 a few blocks away.

People who don't have kids would think this a perfectly reasonable solution. Maybe you need to explain that it would be very traumatic for DD2 to be left with a nanny.

How about if you take DD2 and hire a nanny, but just to, say, help out if it all kicks off in the ceremony?

oranges123 · 16/05/2012 13:35

Why leave DH at home with DD? Finances permitting, why not all go and have a wonderful weekend? DH doesn't HAVE to sit in a room with DD - as others have said, it is a wonderful city and they can spend the day out and about. And that way you don't have to miss your brother's wedding or be away from DH/DD for a long weekend.

Assuming your DB won't make an exception for DD of course....

Pandemoniaa · 16/05/2012 13:39

I second what oranges said. If your DB is not receptive to reason then you all go to NY and have a fantastic time. There's no reason, in such a great city, for your DH to be stuck in a hotel bedroom with your dd since there's tons of interesting stuff they can enjoy. Sure, your dd won't be in the photographs but that's not the absolute end of the world and from my memory of toddler-wrangling at family weddings, it was always hit or miss whether they'd make it into the pictures!

I wouldn't want to go alone and I'm not a nervous flyer but I don't think you need to.

YouOldSlag · 16/05/2012 13:40

Hmm, quite right actually.DD and DH might end up having a better time than you OP!

ragged · 16/05/2012 13:41

They can't really go for that long though, it's in term time. Not my idea of relaxing holiday to travel long-haul with toddlers at all, much less to a high emotion event like a wedding.
Then there's the cost of airfares/hotels.
Is it actually NYC or NY state?
Depends what OP wants to make of it. Family event &/or family holiday, etc.

oranges123 · 16/05/2012 13:44

Yes but the OP doesn't want to be away from DD2 overnight and is a nervous flyer. If DD2 was invited they would all be going, so why not all go anyway?

YouOldSlag · 16/05/2012 17:47

That's what I meant- the whole family goes and DH and DD have a great day out in NYC whilst the others attend the wedding.

xkcdfangirl · 16/05/2012 20:24

TheQueenOfSheba's idea is excellent.

Whole family goes, arriving in NY at least 36hrs (or more) before the wedding itself.

Nanny is hired for 2 days. Day one is spent with family (not at the wedding) getting to know DCs and becoming not a stranger but a known friendly face that DD2 can get to know.

Day two is the wedding day, and the Nanny comes with you to the wedding, and if DD2 is noisy SHE gets to leave the room with her till she calms down, meaning both OP and DH get to enjoy the maximum amount of wedding - but are on hand if needed.

fuckwittery · 16/05/2012 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catfart · 16/05/2012 21:08

I totally see why you're struggling here. I myself wouldn't go, I'd explain to DB telling him you'd love to go and support him but just tell him how it is, you can't leave her and you don't want to make a fuss. People don't know until they have children.

We were recently invited to a close family wedding and DS (19 months) wasn't allowed to go, it was 4 hours away, we'd recently moved to the middle of nowhere, no family nearby who could help and anyway I couldn't leave him that long. I'm in the same boat as you, never left him, I always put him to bed, co-sleep etc, still BFing him as well and they didn't understand, I was told to just get a babysitter......he'd have gone into a frenzy! no way.

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