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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel very resentful that I've had PND?

73 replies

Tizzylizzy · 15/05/2012 20:32

My DD is 15 months old. I've had what I consider to be severe postnatal anxiety. I'm only really starting to piece my life back together after what I can only describe as a living nightmare.

The thing is, now I'm (hopefully) over the worst, I'm starting to feel resentful. It makes me feel angry that I had to go through it at what's supposed to be the happiest time of your life - and if I'm honest jealous of women who don't.

I realise this is quite a selfish post but just wondered if there was anyone else out there who feels the same occasionally?

OP posts:
PeggyCarter · 15/05/2012 20:39

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rogersmellyonthetelly · 15/05/2012 20:40

Yes I do. I have 2 kids and have had 2 bouts of postnatal depression, which lasted for about a year before I started to feel normal on the medication. I feel bitterly disappointed that I couldnt enjoy my babies because I felt so crappy and stressed all the time.

mummytowillow · 15/05/2012 20:41

I had PND after I had my DD (4), it wasn't diagnosed until late on.

It contributed to the break up of my marriage because my husband spineless, weak, arsehole refused to acknowledge I had it or support me! He chose to confide in another woman and you can guess the rest! Sad

I often sit here at night and ponder my current circumstances and feel really sad my life has turned out like this? I often feel bitter and twisted that OW has everything I had and it wasn't my fault I was poorly.

BUT I have a beautiful daughter, lovely home, good job and good friends and family so I count my blessing for the things I have, and do my best to forget what has happened and what I don't have?

Have you thought about having counselling, I did and it helped a lot?

Big hugs and I hope you can feel better about everything xx

PeggyCarter · 15/05/2012 20:41

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/05/2012 20:41

YABU... resentment and anger won't help you to feel better. Motherhood comes in all shapes and sizes and with all kinds of challenges. Few mothers sail through totally unscathed whether that be a horrendous pregnancy, a difficult birth, traumatic early months, a seriously ill child. Be glad you're past the worst of your experience and focus on enjoying the rest of your time as a mother.

fryscream · 15/05/2012 20:47

YADNBU. I went through it too. PND is a different kettle of fish to many challenges of motherhood.

I was very very resentful of my PND. I had it for the first 6 months after my DD was born. I looked at her when they first showed her to me and I felt nothing. That will live with me forever.

However, now there is some distance between me and my PND (DD is now 19 months old), I can deal with it better. I had fantastic counselling - I cannot recommend it enough and it helped me come to terms with what happened to our family. You cannot change what happened but you can change how you feel about it.

I am not resentful now. It happened. I wish it had never happened. I am in some ways envious of mums who enjoyed the first 6 months of their first child. BUT, I now love my DD more than I ever thought possible. In some ways I look at her now and I just cannot relate how I feel now to how things were then. And that, I think, is a positive thing.

So, in a nutshell, try some counselling.

NeedMenInWhiteCoats · 15/05/2012 20:48

I didn't have PND but my baby did have severe reflux and SMPI that meant he spent the 5+ months screaming and in incredible pain until we got his meds and feeding aversion under control. It is a very different situation but I guess I feel similarly robbed.

I want the first child newborn experience of chatting to my friends in cafes having a nice cuddle with him rather than staying at home because feeding him while out was just too loud (I always ended up crying as well) and I was tired of the old women commenting that he clearly doesn't want feeding when he was hungry but in too much pain to eat.

I really want the nice times that I feel both me and my DS missed out on and I listen to people saying to enjoy the now, and some times I really do, but other times I have huge trouble letting go.

My experience was nothing like yours, and no where near as long, but I sometimes feel the same. Less as time goes on though.

Mrsjay · 15/05/2012 20:53

YANBU and it does getter better i had PND for 2 years and maybe a little over ,
I was so pissed off with missing so much of DD1 early years , but its an illness you cant prevent it , it does get better though dd1 is 19 and i still think about it but there has been so many lovely memeories of DD that the PND is a way in the distance , you will get better Smile

LeQueen · 15/05/2012 20:56

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NoHank · 15/05/2012 21:00

I had PND after my second DC. I wasn't diagnosed until she was around 9 months old and although looking back it was horrendous at the time, I recovered relatively quickly once diagnosed and support put in place. My close friend on the other hand still has symptoms and is receiving treatment 18 months after being diagnosed. I remember talking to her about it and saying my most overwhelming feeling once I started to feel better was of being cheated of the first few months of DD's life. My memories of them are vague at best and I felt numb for the most part.

I'm glad you are coming through the other side now. It is horrible but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Take joy in your DD and your relationship together and try not to dwell on what has passed but focus on what you have now

fryscream · 15/05/2012 21:01

I agree LeQ with regard to feeling more appreciative of your feelings for DD after what you went through. I sometimes feel DD and I have a stronger bond because of what we went through. And I appreciate the good time and the love we have more, because I know what it is like to wish you had never had a baby.

oopsi · 15/05/2012 21:01

who says having a young baby is the happiest time of your life??? Not many people weith young babies, that's for sure

Snowboarder · 15/05/2012 21:02

I can sympathise but I think you have to try and let those feelings go as there's nothing to be gained at all by feeling resentful.

My DS was born 3 months prematurely by EMCS and spent the first 2 months of his life living in a Perspex box being fed through a tube and being cared for by nurses (as well as me for 12 hours a day). For the longest time I was so jealous and envious of those women who had a lovely birth experience (mine was horrific) got to hold their babies straight away (he was rushed straight off, I didn't even get to see him), put them straight to the breast for a feed (he was fed by a tube into his tummy), take them home when they're discharged (he was in intensive care and SCBU for 8 weeks). My experience of pregnancy, birth and the newborn stage was just so awful and I almost felt like I hated women who took for granted what I'd been robbed of.

BUT - I've had some counselling and (with the healing effects of time) have managed to let this go and move on. I can even look back at the early pictures and videos we took of DS without feeling upset which is progress indeed.

Sorry to ramble but I would encourage you to do whatever you can to try and make peace with what happened - I feel so much happier for it. I'm even pg with no2 now and feeling like this time around I might finally get to have a better experience.

fryscream · 15/05/2012 21:06

oopsi Yes, I know many mums who found the newborn stage hard work, but that is a world away from PND.

LeQueen · 15/05/2012 21:08

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ledkr · 15/05/2012 21:13

How weird,i was thinking of starting a thread about this. My dd is the same age as you and now i feel better Im also resentfull of the wasted time with her and my mat leave.

Its in perspective though and the fact I feel so much better and she is so well (she was v ill) makes up for it.

I wonder if your strong feelings are an extention of your illness.Maybe speak to whom ever is helping you with your pnd.

NotSureICanCarryOn · 15/05/2012 21:13

YABU.
You've had PND. That's something very hard but you have no reason but to be resentful that other women haven't! They haven't chosen not to have PND just as you haven't chosen to have PND.

scuzy · 15/05/2012 21:15

yabu to mull over this awful time in your life still and be thankful that you see the other side. me? 3 years later i dont.

ledkr · 15/05/2012 21:15

Yes i agree with fry and lequeen I enjoy the connection with her more now having not had it.Dh said he heard me tell her i loved her the other day and it made him well up because he had never heard me say it before because i was so depressed.
I love looking after her now.

StrangerintheHouse · 15/05/2012 21:16

Agree with LeQueen and fryscream. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Sometimes I wonder how I am going to do something and then I remember that I managed hellish months of forcing myself to bond with ds when I was terrified of him and terrified for him and thinking the world had ended. I remember having no connection to him or anything around me, having no hope or joy and feeling I never would again.

Mind you I also had hypermesis, horrible birth, my hair all fell out, periods came back right away etc etc... so I'm jealous of virtually every other mother who didn't have one of these happen to them. But that is my problem not theirs.

Original poster
Tizzylizzy · 15/05/2012 21:18

Wow. Thank you all for responding with such thoughtful posts. A lot of sense has been spoken. I know I need to let it go. I think it's because I am 'getting there' that I have time for this self-pity which I suppose is a good thing. In the midst of PND hell resentment wasn't at the top of my priority list - I could barely function. I am getting counselling but so far it's all been about childhoody stuff.

It's also helpful to see that I'm not alone. I think I'm in danger of building up a blissful image of new motherhood, when in reality all new mums probably struggle to adjust, just not all to the degree I did.

Thanks again - it's really interesting to hear everyone's perspectives.

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 15/05/2012 21:18

I feel resentful about medical stuff that has affected my family, not PND though. I think it's normal to feel that way when something you have no control over affects your life and the lives of those closest to you in such a drastic way.

I'd probably be one of the women you are jealous of when it comes to babies and childbirth, but I have other demons, as I'm sure we all do. I find it helps to remember that whatever I'm feeling, I won't be the first or the last, or even very rare. You never know what other people have to go through too, so jealousy is futile.

StrangerintheHouse · 15/05/2012 21:18

x-post with LeQueen.

Original poster
Tizzylizzy · 15/05/2012 21:22

Oh God and by resentment I don't mean I hope other women get PND!!!!!!! I wouldn't wish it on my very worst enemy.

OP posts:
nutellaontoast · 15/05/2012 21:23

This quote sticks in my mind: "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." (Buddha, apparently)

I'm terribly sorry for what you went through, and I'm sure it's not unusual to feel as you do. I don't think you're being unreasonable or selfish, but I think you're punishing yourself further for an illness you suffered.

Personally, I would say that although I was very lucky and didn't suffer from PND, I found early motherhood to be largely, well a bit dull. Stressful, in a low-level 24/7 sort of way. I was anxious. I wasn't on an emotionally even keel all the time. I was very lonely and clock-watched most days waiting for DH to get home. And I believe all these feelings are very common. So I think it might be helpful for you to start seperating the cultural narrative of motherhood, the sort of pampers ad version, and the reality. I'm far happier now, with a four year old, than I was then.