To feel very resentful that I've had PND?

[Tizzylizzy]

My DD is 15 months old. I've had what I consider to be severe postnatal anxiety. I'm only really starting to piece my life back together after what I can only describe as a living nightmare.

The thing is, now I'm (hopefully) over the worst, I'm starting to feel resentful. It makes me feel angry that I had to go through it at what's supposed to be the happiest time of your life - and if I'm honest jealous of women who don't.

I realise this is quite a selfish post but just wondered if there was anyone else out there who feels the same occasionally?

I think it's natural to some extent to resent that you had a horrible experience.

On the other hand.... I was depressed (and on anti-depressants) for 2 years way before I had DS and I honestly feel that the experience helped me avoid developing PND.

I was very very aware that I was at high risk because of my prior history and therefore tried to be as honest as possible with DH (and everyone else) about my feelings (which were NOT positive for the first 3 months). I feel that if I hadn't had a previous taste of the mental state of depression then it would have been very easy to get into it post-natally, because it IS a total life upheaval and bloody hard work.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that these days I try to look back on the bad stuff in my life, see what it's taught me and try to see if the experience can help me to avoid bad stuff in the future. It might sound like a bit of a Pollyanna approach but for me it works. I tend to brood and brood over the past unless I make a massive effort not to, so this stops me getting mired in resentment.

It's still hard work sometimes, but it feels more constructive than not.

Hope that helps (really).....

I dont resent anyone else for not having it, I think in some ways I resent myself, even though there's no way on this earth i could've prevented PND.
Fryscream that's a good way to put it, I think some people, and i probably had a similar attitude prior to PND, feel like telling you to sort yourself out and get on with it, everyone finds it hard so just deal with it and stop whining on about it

Someone said earlier they are grateful to PND for having opened their eyes to mental illness, I feel this way too!

I have 2 children and I had PND after both births. The first one went undiagnosed for a long time.

I know what you mean. I sometimes look back and think I missed out on loads when I should have been enjoying my babies. It doesn't help that very often there's this picture of maternal bliss and how everything is wonderful after the birth of a child.

However, as time moves on, I realise that you can look back on many other things and feel resentful in some way too. Going to work, putting the children in childcare, missing out on stuff due to work commitments. C'est la vie.

I am sometimes still sad that I had PND but I don't resent it. I look back and wonder how I managed to get through it - I must be superwoman . Then I try to remember to give myself a pat on the back and just enjoy and treasure the moments that I now have with my children.

I know how you feel. I have had PND still don't think I m fully over it I was offered no counselling just medication. I have also felt resentment that I have had to go through this it has lost me so called friends and my confidence is very low but hopefully I will get through it.

I had PND after son was born. Because I have a history of depression I recognised it & sought treatment very early on. I do remember thinking 'it's not fair' at the time but now (son is 27 months old) I don't feel resentful. Am terrified it will happen again with number 2, due in September though.

It's very healing seeing that there are other people who feel like they were a bit robbed of the first year or so of being a mum because I now know that this is common among PND sufferers and it helps me think that I am alongside others who are battling through and am not alone.

Whoever said that they must be superwoman - I think we are all superwomen to still be here and still carrying on and aspiring to be great mums.

And yes, having a baby is tough on anyone, but like a previous person said, it is nowhere near as bad as screaming all night thinking you are going mad and trying to jump out of a window. Or being hospitalised with lots of other people with more general mental health issues. Or crying for 5 months. Or having psychosis. It's always people who haven't had PND that say daft things like 'everyone struggles with a newborn...'

Tango I agree with you there. I'm quite a guarded person but when people ask me about my experience of having a baby - bearing in mind approx one in five go through PND/PNA - I feel it's helpful to other women to say 'yes it is bloody hard'. I mean I don't scare mums to be shitless by mentioning the hell of PND but I always open up to new mums about what I've been through - even the crisis team/hospital visits/counselling stuff if I feel it helps them to feel more 'normal'. Afterall it was the not feeling 'normal' and feeling quite insane that added to my anxieties.

Totally agree Peachy. In fact PNA aside I think coping with a newborn would have been quite nice! Stressful and hard work definitely, but nice. Then again my PNA is a lot better but I still find it challenging day to day. My husband reminds me of the visits from the crisis team etc - so I have been 'worse' but to me life with anxiety is still hard, as is a new baby for those without PND/PNA. It's all relative. Does that even make sense?!

Oh and I also agree Peachy with it being very healing to see we're not alone and that other women have these feelings to contend with. In my head I have built up a blissful new mum image - which I know deep down is blown out of all proportion - and the messages have reinforced that even with PND/PNA aside it's just not the reality. I don't think...

I think you have to go through a period of grief for the happy time you didn't have. I didn't have that happy time for the first few months with ds1 - for many reasons. However, I was better prepared to head of pnd the next two times and managed to even though they were very difficult times indeed. It's the bit other people don't tell you might happen. It's also the bit that is a very very small part of becoming a mother - a sad part, but a small part and there will be undoubtedly good times ahead. There will also be a sensitivity to you and a gentleness of touch with other new mothers that empathises that whatever the bright fact, there might be something more going on beneath the veneer.

I'm not glad I had pnd but I'm glad it makes me part of the person I have become.

For those of you who had PND the first time and went on to have another baby, how did you get to 'that place' where you were ready? I can't imagine being ready for another baby!

tango I am exactly the same. I would quite like another baby. I suspect if they could come out at 6 months old I would be more keen, but I simply don't know I can (potentially) put myself and my dear family through the same experience as last time. Especially when I will have my DD to look after this time. She already didn't have a good mum for the first 6 months of her life, and the thought of putting her through that again, when she will remember it....well I just don't know if I can.

That scares me too Fryscream, I yelled at DD pretty much everyday until I got meds, and even then I still shouted at her to shut up sometimes :-( It would be even worse if I had a toddler or older child having to hear that!

Giving birth to a 6 month old would hurt :o but it would definitely be a lot easier to deal with!

OK - I had PND the first time. I hadn't grieved after a miscarriage, I had horrendous problems feeding, I had to face some hard truths about my own mother. It was relatively mild, I went to the doctor the day I sat on the sofa and thought the world was ending and was prescribed prozac straight away and the doctor saw me every week for about 4 weeks. It was mild but miserable and I can't imagine what it must be like when it is severe.

The next time I knew what to expect and paced myself. I wasn't facing any big life changes the because I had already given up my job and I had already become a mummy. I was very easy on myself. But our 2nd baby died when he was born at 27 weeks and although dd was born 51 weeks after that and it was a very stressful pregnancy I was OK once she came. The year between babies is a fug and there are bits that seem surreal now but I was well looked after before and after the birth - and was offered psychiatric help on a plate if I wanted it. It helped that dd's pg was regarded as high risk and the hospital pulled out all the stops but they wouldn't have done that if I hadn't asked to see the consultant obstetrician at the beginning and told him everything - he then sorted everything.

DS1 was two and half when DS2 died and was three and a half when dd was born. All he remembers is going to the florist with daddy to buy flowers and finding two presents from dd when he looked in the bassinet the first time he met her.

Tango, the reason why I had another one (also quite close to the first!) is that I had this feeling that another baby was like starting it all again. Starting from a blank slate and being able to 'do it right' as if having another baby would allow me to go back in time and start again .
Did I say I wasn't thinking right at the time?

However, what it did is to show me how much I could love a child (I did bond with dc2 immediately) and that I could do it. It showed me the strength of maternal love and it became my benchmark on how I should also love dc1.

You are not normally suppose to compare two dcs but in my case comparing them made me put a lot more energy into changing things with dc1 and improving our relationship/bond. TBH it's the best thing that has ever happen to me (and to dc1)! Even if t was hard to have 2 dcs under 2, even if it was hard to cope with a newborn and a toddler.

Give yourself time, the resentment is part of the healing IMO.

I had diagnosed PND after DC1 and 2. The support and help was worse than useless, so I decided I didn't have it, stopped meds etc. only when DC3 was over 2 and the fog lifted did I realise how awful the last 7 years had been.

I still have some odd behaviours - I've been fighting depression for so long that it's habit. I'm logical and reasonable to a fault and never react emotionally. I won't rest in the daytime even if I'm exhausted (sleeping all the time was one of the symptoms). Sleep pattern still fucked up. But I'm fine, the kids are gone, we're all happy here

I believe people with depression need support, but not enabling. Firm, loving care. It's very tricky to provide and a fine line.

I had horrendous PND after my first dc which went totally undiagnosed for years although it lessened in severity over time. I feel very sad at not really 'being there' for the first year or more of DD's life. I was physically present but totally absent emotionally.

With DS it was totally different, no PND straight after the birth, in fact I felt amazing, full of energy. But severe PND descended after about 6 months and it also went completely undiagnosed for years.

I am also going to be very honest with my DD about PND, bonding, etc. Also about ante natal depression which I had with DD again which went completely undiagnosed.

Hopefully I'll be able to spot it if DD ever suffers from depression as I've been through it myself. My own parents are completely unaware and ignorant about mental illness even though both my parents have had mental health issues themselves for years.

I had PND after all 3 of my DS's, more severely with DS1. For those who asked about having more babies after PND I found with DS2 and DS3 I was treated a lot quicker and it was easier to admit I wasn't coping. I saw the gp at about 35 weeks and I was on meds from the day they were born with the midwife and then the health visitor keeping an eye on me to see if the meds needed increasing. I still had PND with DS2 and DS3 but nowhere near as bad.

I used to feel resentful of my experiences but now I don't think anyone has the perfect life that I felt I should have had. I go to a baby/toddler group and there are 4 of us who had/have pnd, a couple who had traumatic births, a few who had hyperemisis, 3 who's babies had/have reflux, 2 who's babies have other health issues and several mums who have toddlers who still wake up several times a night.

Take anything that is said on facebook with a huge pinch of salt. Most people only talk about the good times and only post photos where they look good and the house is tidy. It's like when I'm dieting I tell everyone if I lose weight and keep it quiet when I put any on. I only noticed I did that when my mil asked how I'd lost several stone over the last 5 years and still stayed the same size .

Lovely to hear some positives like being more aware of mental illness, being more ready to support children if they go through it etc. I am so aware of people when they have a newborn and really try and chat to them about whether they are suffering or not!

As for second kids... I had PND with first, then got I'll in preg with ds2, but much worse again which was when I was hospitalised and I ended up taking drugs that were potentially harmful to the baby. After I had him I was ill for ten weeks, then started picking up.

The 2nd preg was horrendous but I got through it. DS1 was just 2, and has no longterm damage at all that I can tell so far although I was not really with it for seven months. He is 4.5 now. I have to say that it was the worst time of my life, but now I am so glad I did it because ds2 is such a joy and I am so happy to have made it through and now have two kids. It was a nightmare but it was worth it, if that makes sense!

Great thread. It's very hard to say to anyone still in the throes of it, but I think my PND ( which went on and off for nearly 4 years before I really started to get better) has actually helped in many ways. It made me have to stop and reconsider a lot. I try not to take things for granted so much. Dealing with difficult things in life is what ultimately makes us wiser. Couldn't have done it on my own, mind you

I agree. Although the ante and post natal depression were horrendous, becsuse of my experience I have a much better understanding of mental health issues and so does my DH and my DC's will too in due course.

I am a much better person and parent because of what I've been through.

When i had severe PND after DD all my mother could suggest was that I go for a walk. She was totally ignorant about mental illness even though she had very likely also suffered PND when I was born. If my DD goes through it at least I will know that she needs professional help.

I agree with the posters who have said that feeling anger and resentment is part of the healing process for many people. I know that in my most difficult days I wasn't capable of feeling anything like anger- anger only reared its head once I started to feel better and got my 'power' back (sorry if that sounds a bit wierd!!).

If you feel angry and resentful then its probably not a good idea to give yourself a hard time for it. Yes, they are negative emotions, but they do have their place. Allow yourself to feel your feelings, try to understand why you feel that way- hopefully in time they will subside and you can take a few more steps towards feeling better.