To feel very resentful that I've had PND?

[Tizzylizzy]

My DD is 15 months old. I've had what I consider to be severe postnatal anxiety. I'm only really starting to piece my life back together after what I can only describe as a living nightmare.

The thing is, now I'm (hopefully) over the worst, I'm starting to feel resentful. It makes me feel angry that I had to go through it at what's supposed to be the happiest time of your life - and if I'm honest jealous of women who don't.

I realise this is quite a selfish post but just wondered if there was anyone else out there who feels the same occasionally?

Outraged I like your post. I have been thinking recently that everyone has their challenges and maybe PND was one of mine. Why do we all have to go through hard times though? That's what I'd like to know.

TBH, when dc1 was 15 months, I wasn't even near the stage where I was feeling well enough to start being resentful.
I had another 6 months of depression in front of me and then the fact that I had to wake up to the fact there was no bond between us. And then there was a few years of really hard work to solve that problem.

Should I be resentful that some women have PND but that by the time their child is 18 months old, everything has got back into place? That it didn't affect their bonding process? Should I be resentful of women who had PND but not as badly as I had?

That would just be silly.

Sorry tizzy, xpost

Very wise words Nutella. Thank you for the quote. It is hard to not believe the hype and I don't think things like Facebook help either - you 'see' everyone coping marvellously, smiles on faces. But it's an edited reality.

tizzy my take on that is that every difficult time you have is one opportunity to learn and grow.
PND has actually made me calmer and much more in tune with my feelings and the ones of my dcs. It probably has made me more compassionate.

And it certainly has made a better mum than I would have been otherwise.

Actually I think PND has made me a better person. I could be very resentful if I wanted to about it, PND caused me not only a horrific year of my life, but I also lost my career as a result (felt my anxiety was making me an unsafe worker) and that in turn let to financial dire straights. And I mean dire.

Now, a year after recovering, I have another baby, a lovely toddler and a husband who stood by my side the whole time. It's made me appreciate not only how awful it is to have depression, but how to talk about it with other people suffering from it. I've also learned what a lucky person I am to have so many loving and strong people in my life. And that I am strong too.

Please try not to feel resentful. As people have said, letting go and looking forward, however you manage to do it, is the key to happiness.

I was so angry with myself for having PND, I waffled on to a councellor about all the lovely things I should be thankful for and I just couldn't cope with life. My baby slept, was relatively easy but why couldn't I be happy, even tried getting the dic to keep DS until DH could get home.
Councelling made me realise PND doesn't discrininate,DS is almost 2 and I finally look back at that time in my life like it was someone elses life, it doesn't feel like it was me, part of me is glad of this but the other part feels sad that DS had a very sad Mummy for first pary of his life.
I had group councelling with other ladues, it changed my life, I finakly felt like I wasn't alone.

led not let!

NotSure said it better than me

opportunity to learn and grow.

probably has made me more compassionate.

I think feeling resentful is part of the process of dealing with what you've been through, just like when you go through a bereavement you have an angry stage. Severe PND is a bit like that- you lose something and you have to mourn it a bit. I have had severe PND three times and had a few stays in hospital and mucho medication and I went through a stage when I just thought I had been robbed of those first couple of years with each baby. However I think some of these ladies are very right- its no use thinking of the past but focusing on the now and the future and enjoying motherhood from now on! And I sometimes think that although I lost a few years to the illness many mums lose their babies altogether through stillbirth or other things. I don't want to let the PND win by robbing me of any more time with my babies!

In saving this thread to look back on when I feel low. There are some really inspiring messages - might work better geeing me up than bloody Rescue Remedy.

I always forget about the 'postives' of PND - like Boboks says becoming more compassionate and understanding about what 'going through a hard time' REALLY means. I do feel PND (well anxiety in my case) had opened my eyes to the meaning of suffering. And mental health.

Also have a truly amazing husband - another postive - without who I dread to think what could have happened.

• I'm
• has
• positive

I don't know how people get through it without a supportive partner- hats off to them.

YANBU to feel resentment or anger, no more than anyone dealt a bad medical diagnosis would feel justified in feeling this.

• My friend whose baby died at 6 weeks has resentment that her baby died whilst our other friends had twins the same week who both lived. She doesn't wish them harm, but the contrast of her baby being gone and them juggling two healthy babies, born in the same week, can make her angry on some days.
• Having cancer diagnosed when your children are not old enough to remember you is unfair and breeds resentment of those who don't take care of themselves but live to a ripe old age.
• Being infertile is unfair, people who don't even want children fall pregnant every day.
• Having PND rob you of enjoyment of your children is awful, and the fact that others have breezed through this time, loving every minute would make you feel resentful.

As long as you resent the illness, and not the people who don't have it, then the "why me?" is completely reasonable... unfortunately there isn't an answer, there is no rhyme of reason to awful things sometimes.

I know someone who's partner 'doesn't believe' in PND. She's had it three times. How she copes I have no idea.

I am very resentful too. I had post- with DS and pre- with DD and it ruined so much. I couldn't stand my baby son and I still struggle sometimes to feel the bond. I love him, but I know its tainted somehow. I was fine hours after DDs birth and have been since, but the pregnancy was horrendous. I was hospitalized 3 times and it was pure hell. I can't put it behind me.

I feel like this everyday, I'm insanely jealous of women who haven't had it and how they are with their babies, i spent the precious newborn days screaming at my DD to shut the f up, and severely regretting having her. I hate it when people say ' ooo enjoy those first days they go by so fast' well thank God they did otherwise I doubt I would be still half sane. Similarly ' is this your first, how lovely'... um no its been awful. I didn't have babymoon I had babyhell! I feel awful now because I do think it has affected our bond, i love her unconditionally but some days, when she is particularly demanding, all I can do is detach myself.
Why me, why you, who knows but YANBU to be resentful, because what it has cost us, those early precious babymoon days, has been a very high price to pay.

"those early precious babymoon days"

You really think everyone else experiences some fuzzy focus 'Disney Pixar' few weeks of early motherhood gazing at their sleeping baby in perpetual bliss? The reality of extreme fatigue combined with pain, hormonal changes and a demanding brand new baby means that even those without PND can 'miss' those first few weeks and months and need photos to remember they were even there!

It's not a competition.

Cogito I so agree... It's like that whole "youth is wasted on the young" thing isn't it?

Funnily enough those 'early precious babymoon days' seem so much more precious in hindsight. At the time they're (IMO) knackering, overwhelming, emotional... It seems that just when we're least equipped to deal with it, we're given the responsibility of a whole new person to care for. For me, motherhood has been far better from 6+ months 'in' - the early days were hell and I didn't even have PND.

Yanbu. I had pnd and due to admitting feelings of self harm to my midwife, I had social services set on me so my whole family made me lie on all the forms to get them out of my life asap, and I never got any help. Consequently, I did not bond with ds1 at all, cannot remember anything about him before about age 4, although I always took care of him fine. I feel terrible about loving him less than his siblings, and didn't even realise how different it was until ds2 came along and the bond was there.

I too am angry... At the system and my family for failing to give me help and sympathy rather than accusations and denials. At myself for having failed my lovely son. At having to lie when he asks me what he was like as a baby, because all I can really remember is that his now blue eyes were a gun metal deep grey and looked like something off x files and scared me that he could be a serial killer one day. I have to lie and say things like 'you were the most peaceful/best sleeper' so he never realises I missed those early memories.

YANBU - I did not have PND the first time and that first year was happiest time of my life. I believe the atrocious treatment from my midwife during DC2's birth triggered PND which I am only starting to get over ten months after the birth.. it's had a huge effect on my relationships, my bonding and I can't even remember DC2s early months at all. My only thought though is that resentment - while totally understandable - is really corrosive.. I am not sure feeling angry like I do is much better but maybe it might be faster to work through if you know what I mean.

Precious babymoon days was supposed to be sarcastic cognito, considering I don't think they exist. As a PND sufferer I would never write off someone who didnt have PNDs experience, I think being a mum is hard for the majority in those first weeks, but tell me this did you ever feel so desperate you considered driving your car into a wall, just to escape the feelings of utter despair?or fleetingly considering shaking your baby??

No its not a competition but you can't compare PND with having a couple of rough first months.

Oh and perhaps if some new mums weren't all about 'saving face' it would help other mums realise that actually no, they are not freaks if nature for feeling completely inadequate...I had two friends give birth within a week of me and neither have ever admitted that they found those early days hard, both blissfully tootled along and were oh so sympathetic to me, the one that unfortunately couldn't cope!

I didn't have PND but got pg straight after ds was born and lost the baby due to incompetant cervix at 20 weeks.

The grief and the guilt were consuming and I have very few memory's of ds from the time it happened when he was 6 months old till he turned 1.

I feel very guilty that I was just going through the motions for so long

I fully agree tango. As I said up thread, finding a newborn hard work and having PND are two very different things. That is not to diminsh how hard life can be with a newborn, but it is just not the same. And to say they are underplays just how serious PND is.