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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

how can i help my daughter get over her aversion to open mouth chewers? (blatantly not an AIBU!)

101 replies

bejeezus · 15/05/2012 14:43

7 yo dd has come home, more often than not recently, with her packed lunch barely nibbled. She complains that if she sits next to someone, who eats with their mouth open, it makes her feel sick and she cant eat her dinner!

Nobody likes it much do they, but what can you do? Ive told her to just look in the other direction, but she said once shes seen/heard it, her stomach is turned and she cant eat.

Shes inherited this bloody fussiness off her dad Hmm im gutsy and NOTHING puts me off my food

there is not much to her and her appetite is not good at the best of times. She really cant afford not to eat from breakfast until tea time.

Loads of kids eat with their mouth open; what can i do?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 15/05/2012 17:23

Hilly, he sounds like my ex FIL!

No-one wanted to sit near him or opposite him because he also spat food while he ate Hmm

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/05/2012 17:38

It isn't nice behaviour but you are going to have to teach your daughter to cope, just get on with it and accept that she will need to remove herself if it's really too much.

It really is getting beyond a joke that so many people look for authority figure resolutions to every small thing. No wonder we have a nanny state. You can't always change what people around you do, you can change your own responses to it - and those of your children. Do that.

woahwoah · 15/05/2012 17:42

I used to work in a school where some of the parents requested that the school should teach some table manners (not sure why they hadn't taught their own children, but there you go. Maybe they meant other people's children).

The head set up a scheme where the adults sat with the children and reminded them of such basics as 'don't talk with your mouth full', 'try cutting up the food before putting it in your mouth', and 'don't chew with your mouth open', while modelling the correct behaviour. She rewarded the well mannered and sat them on tables that were decorated etc etc. It seemed to have some positive effects.

However, the parents of the open-mouth-chewers were not happy and she got into terrible trouble over this. Apparently it's not ok to make children aware that their habits are unpleasant for other people. The whole thing was dropped and everyone went back to their original ways.

I felt sorry for her really; she'd tried to improve things but some parents won't accept any criticism of their children, even implied criticism, ie they were not rewarded so it's not fair blah, blah, blah.

Don't really know why I'm sharing this! This thread just reminded me of a situation which annoyed me at the time (and I suppose still does!)

CheesyPotatoes · 15/05/2012 17:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mrsjay · 15/05/2012 17:47

It is my dads fault im the way i am , his eating is disgusting and would slurp and chomp his way through everything , He drank a lot so would often eat dinner especially at the weekend pissed so it was very noisey now i am really bad with any eating noise , I can feel my nerves go

Mrsjay · 15/05/2012 17:49

woah it shouldnt be a schools jon to teach table manners its such a shame parents complained and said HOW dare you , their little darlings could be more pleasant to be around ,

woahwoah · 15/05/2012 17:55

Mrs Jay I agree!

laughlovelife · 15/05/2012 17:57

HA!, Ive had to leave the table because of ds and this blooming thread, and then got wrong of my dh, for shouting at ds for mouth opening and slurping his spaghetti bolognese Hmm, so my dinner is now in the bin and im now in a hump!.

HillyWallaby · 15/05/2012 17:58

I find if I am feeling at all pre-menstrual or fractious or irritable in general it merely serves to heighten my senses and aggravate me even more. Although most times I am able to pretend I haven't noticed a thing and most people don't know they are offending me. (unless it's my own kids in which case I bloody tell 'em.)

HillyWallaby · 15/05/2012 18:00

My nephew who is 21 has always done really really loud, long disgusting belches at the dinner table, and all my sister's family just laugh or scold him in an eye rolling good natured way as though it's a big wind up party trick. I have to sit there stony faced wondering whether I might need to leave the room or not. It make sme feel sick to my stomach, especially when I am still eating.

shockers · 15/05/2012 18:00

I have to go into a kind of self induced trance when someone is eating noisily. started to do it when I made friends with a girl who used to make smacking noises with her lips and tongue. I really liked her so I used to have to zone out when she was eating. I find it a very useful tool now, 30 years later, as there are many, many people who seem unable to eat with mouth closed.

shockers · 15/05/2012 18:02

*I started...

Mayisout · 15/05/2012 18:14

Maybe if DD made a point of starting a conversation with other eaters eg did you see so and so on the tv yesterday, the fact that she is thinking of what to say might distract her from the chomping around her so she is less aware of it. Other kids might speak and eat at the same time but that might be better than hard to ignore open mouthed chewing.

thebody · 15/05/2012 18:29

thehouseonthecorner!!

Strange comments as have read whole thread, If it's a permanent place then ask child to be moved, teacher will understand, if it's a sit where you like them it's not a problem is it either, her dd avoids noisy chewer.

Don't be scared of me babe, I am lovely but I have a df who chews his good and it revolted me my whole childhood.

Just because a kid is a kid doesn't mean they have to put up with being revolted, would you like to sit next to a noisy eater??

Original poster
bejeezus · 15/05/2012 20:22

Im going to try and cover all the opinions/suggestions;

Grin to aversion therapy

i was thinking to not tell her to 'tell the other kids off'; its kind of impolite to pull others up on their bad manners is it not?? (she aint perfect herslef!); but maybe she should tell them its 'orrible; because it really is isnt it. I like gnocchis suggestion. Except what HOTC says-what if the kids have medical reasons? although dd herself has adenoid problems which gives her sleep apnoea and she manages

she says that she isnt allowed to move tables once they are sat down; which is fair enough, the teachers cant have all the kids seat hopping. similarily I dont think she could sit on a table by herself;and also why should she sit by herself Sad

Ive just asked her if she could identify 'quiet eaters' and make sure she sits next to them every day. she said its difficult as some of her friends will rush over to sit next to her, so she often isnt choosing who she sits next to

i dont want to/think I should try punishing her fgor not eating her lunch or threaten her; Ive seen her when in the presence of open-mothed eaters- she proper gags. I think she would actually be sick

houseonthecorner you did scare me a bit Smile I will look up other things to look out for-i am completely ignorant about anorexia. but good suggestions about focusing on other things in the room-and the nicely eating kids, even if she isnt sat next to them

grockle Grin i can see that happening

moody i think you were joking, but i think a big screen like lunchbox is a good idea

will lookk at the misphonia link in a minute frownie

demented dd is really slim and really active; Id be everso worried about her not eating for that length of time

re objections to the word 'disgusting'; it may be that people cant help eating like this for whatever reason; but there is no getting away from it -it is disgusting!!

so i think on reflection; she doesnt have much control over who she sits next to. I dont want her to have to sit on her own. Im going to get her a big lunch box to hide behind; tell her to ask other kids to try to eat more quietly/close their mouths; teach her some distration techniques. I am also going to talk to the teachers and see if they can do circle time or be more vigilant at lunch time and encourage kids to close mouths etc. I dont care if you do think thats a bit 'nanny state'- its a primary school!

thanks for all your input-off to find out what 'misphonia' is!

OP posts:
TheHouseOnTheCorner · 15/05/2012 21:14

thebody it's not that simple...her DD sits...another child then sits beside or opposite..she's not going to be allowed to bugger about moving away all the time is she? SHe can't really point to kids and ask not to be seated by them and her Mum would appear more than a little precoius if she asked!

FashionEaster · 15/05/2012 21:23

Maybe dd would find it a bit easier if she modified her senses a bit - the sound and the visuals must be a double whammy. If you explained the problem, would she be allowed by the school to listen to music on an ipod whilst she ate, so it tuned out the sound of mastication? She can then always avert her gaze too.

And she has my sympathies. Makes me shudder. I actually had a good friend who Blush isn't such a good friend anymore because my stomach heaved every time she ate or coughed. Just her. And it was revolting. And when I was pg with dc3, ds1, who slurps enthusiastically, had to go and sit at the far end of the table!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/05/2012 22:47

I don't mean that your daughter or you are being unreasonable, OP, I just don't think you can control how the other children behave. The open-mouthed eating seems to be everywhere and I hate it too. I think that you could explain to your daughter's teacher(s) the problems of her not eating lunch and the reason but where will you take it from there? Children are apt to chew with mouth closed whilst the teacher is watching and then carry on regardless when they've gone.

That's why I said about a coping mechanism for your daughter - she is the one who needs to remove herself and if it were my child, I'd pursue that with her and support her in that with the headteacher, if necessary.

frowniefuckingface · 15/05/2012 22:58

pleasedontchewfish.blogspot.co.uk/ go down to overwhelmed and misunderstood it is fantastic, i couldn't articulate my feeling when I was a child. it may help some.

frowniefuckingface · 15/05/2012 23:13

Also ear plugs, i'm not kidding it will dull the pitch of the sound of eating. And your dd can look away.

It is an irrational feeling but one that you cannot help feeling I cant stop myself feeling white hot anger if someone eats next to me. Your dd is not alone, and it is slowly becoming a recognised condition.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/05/2012 23:17

yy to earplugs - that is a very good idea.

Original poster
bejeezus · 15/05/2012 23:26

yes lyinG i tend to agree with you about not being able to control what people around you do. i tell dd this all the time, if she says that another child is doing something 'wrong' which I would tell dd off for/or which she just knows isnt ok (like open mouthed eating!) she asks why I arent correcting that child/anyone else is? I always tell her, Im not interested in how anyone else behaves-thats their look out- we just make sure we behave nicely ourselves, so that life is easier and friends are plentiful.

My first reaction about the headphones/ ear plugs etc-was that it is an over reaction/ people would think she is mad, but;

  1. I didnt realise this could be an actuAL problem
  2. it might be really good even for a short while so she can learn to zone out? when there is a noise or a sight which is awful or really bugging, you tend to focus on it more dont you? like someone snoring for example

hmmm...will ask about her being allowed headphones- teach is going to think I am CRAAAzy?!

frownie i had NO idea- thanks for the link, Ill have a look now-have you always felt like that? is it just food chewing or anything else/ Is it inherited? my dad can get abit sick about it...

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/05/2012 23:32

I think you may find that the teacher is sympathetic. I'd never heard of the condition and, it's not something that would have ever been discussed 30 years ago in a primary school but it's here now, acknowledged and as such, has to be dealt with - by you/your daughter but also with the support of the school.

BTW, you can get foam-type earplugs that are small, easy to use and won't make your DD stand out. Have a look on ebay or similar for ear protection plugs. You ought to be able to get hold of some very easily and cheaply.

Original poster
bejeezus · 15/05/2012 23:37

how would we determine if she is misophonic (?) or just doesnt like it???

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/05/2012 23:39

I'm guessing your GP, but I'd say whether she has the condition or not, if the sound of loud eating bothers her, ear plugs would take care of it to a degree.