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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed at the health visitor?

51 replies

extremepie · 15/05/2012 11:39

We had a visit today from the health visitor who we haven't seen in aaaggges (which I'm not unhappy about as I don't really like her) - not really sure why they decided to do a visit as DS's are now 4 & 5 but could be because DS2 has autism possibly?

Anyways, I've always found her a bit, I dunno, off, she just always has this disapproving look on her face that makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong!

While she was here she brought up DH's previous mental health and made notes about the fact that he is no longer receiving councilling or taking antidepressants - this was not a problem but she went on to say that the fact DH will be our sons full time carer when I return to work after college 'an issue' and that it was 'a concern' because of his mental health.

Since when do people with mental health issues become incapable of looking after their children?

Ok, maybe some people might not be but DH has had no MH issues for a number of years and is currently fine (hence no AD's or councilling).

She also said that maybe I should only work part-time so that I could let him work part-time because 'most men feel like they need to work'.

I just didn't like that she was implying that:

because DH has had MH issues in the past he is not capable of looking after his children

his MH issues are probably caused by the fact he isn't working and therefore feels less like a man

any MH issues he did or does have would be magically fixed by him going to work.

She also seemed very cats bum mouth about the fact that we have moved the boys' bedroom around and they currently: share a bed, have a tv in their room and make a mess in their bedroom (because no 4&5 yr old boys do that ).

I probably AMU but I just hate the way she makes me feel that everything I do isn't good enough and like I expect a letter from the social to drop through the door after her visits :(

Am I just being overly sensitive?

OP posts:
hobnobsaremyfavourite · 15/05/2012 11:44

Ignore. Ignore . Igore.
You do not have to see your HV and are within your rights to decline all child health surveillance. It's not compulsory.

ishopthereforeiam · 15/05/2012 11:45

yanbu - sounds like she has foot in mouth disease! As long as your dcs are being well cared for that's what counts. I can understand perhaps HV had to ask about the mental illness just to ensure the DCs are not being affected in any way but the work comment is just bizarre!

ChitChatFlyingby · 15/05/2012 11:46

Flipping heck, I'd be bloody pissed off if I received that sort of a visit!

YANBU at all!!!!!

I'd be writing to complain if I were you, I wouldn't want that twit's comments left on file unchallenged.

Pozzled · 15/05/2012 11:48

Yanbu. I'd make a complaint. The comments about your DH's mental health are disgusting. I have pnd, have told my HV that I find it hard to cope at times, and I have never had anything but support.

I also think you deserve an explanation as to why they suddenly decided to visit you- it almost sounds like someone has contacted them with a concern.

AMumInScotland · 15/05/2012 11:49

YANBU - some HVs are frankly more problem than solution to life's ups and downs, and this one sounds like a total pain in the bum who has more opinions than knowledge. Ignore her, and don't accept further visits. I'm sure you're more than capable of deciding when you need help or advice, and going to the GP etc for it when needed, so you don't need anything she's offering.

TheSkiingGardener · 15/05/2012 11:51

I'd make a formal complaint. That is wrong in so many ways. I can understand a call or quick visit to see how things were, but what she said and implied is unacceptable.

Hassled · 15/05/2012 11:51

HVs are weird - they're either absolutely amazing or completely shit. Never seem to be anywhere in the middle.

I think SS would laugh in her face if she went to them presenting what's she's said to you as any sort of real concern for your DCs' well-being. Just carry onas you were as though the visit had never happened.

Horsetowater · 15/05/2012 11:59

YABU - this is a normal child protection matter. Your family have been flagged up that's all. They don't know you from Adam, all they are doing is checking. How else are they supposed to do it - ask you to fill out a form?

Prevention is far better than cure, and we should be grateful that the services are prepared to stick their necks out and check up on our children, than bury their heads in the sand as they have done in the past allowing children to suffer in silence.

Don't take this personally - it really isn't about you, it's about children, generally, and their safety.

Original poster
extremepie · 15/05/2012 12:14

It did occur to me that someone may have said something that prompted their visit but I honestly can't think of anything/anyone (although that doesn't mean someone hasn't!)

I don't have a problem with them coming round to check if necessary, I don't have anything to hide after all.

I worry about saying I don't want her to come round as I feel like if I say that they'll worry that something is wrong ('well why doesn't she want us to come round' and so on).

This is the same woman that weighed my DS2 at 11 months and told me that he was borderline obese and I should watch his diet (he is now small for his age!)

OP posts:
ABatInBunkFive · 15/05/2012 12:22

It could have been the signing off visit, i managed to avoid that. I'd have been very cross after a visit like that!

marriedinwhite · 15/05/2012 12:34

I would question:

How she knew about your DH's previous mental health problems and why she didn't make an appointment. I don't usually receive people who aren't my friends without an appointment and even friends usually have courtesy to ring before they drop in.

That aside, why do your boys share a bed?

Longtalljosie · 15/05/2012 13:15

I'd resolve the bed sharing thing ASAP if I were you.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 15/05/2012 13:17

Longtalljosie my 2 DS's share a room with bunk beds , virtually every morning I go in and they have climbed into bed together. I wasn't aware it was a criminal offence. Hmm

Longtalljosie · 15/05/2012 13:21

On previous threads (one in particular) where a poster had been referred to SS (which of course the OP hasn't, but regardless) posters who were themselves social workers came on to say that children not having a bed each was seen as a serious neglect red flag. It's a simple thing the OP can do to save a bunch of trouble later on.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 15/05/2012 13:27

Why should she? She hasn't been referred to SS and there is absolutely no reason why she should be. Jeez no wonder there is such a stigma to admitting to MH problems.

delilahlilah · 15/05/2012 13:28

I personally feel that the questions HV's seem to ask as a matter of course these days are far too intrusive. I think all it does is get people's backs up and make them less co-operative if they continue to see the HV. I can't stand mine, and don't plan to see her other than when DS2 has his next injections. Heartily fed up with them tbh.
I had a doctor's appt for myself, just before I saw her last time, and she asked me in front of the other HV why I needed to see the doctor. DS was 2 at the 2 time, so not like it was likely to be connected to his birth or anything. She thinks everything is her business!

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 15/05/2012 13:30

I declined virtually all the child health surveillance offered for DC 3 and 4. I only attended the medicals which GP's took at 8 weeks and 8 months. HV still didn't get the message and kept trying to arrange meetings and get me to baby clinic. I put the flags out the day DD went to school and I no longer was being hassled by the HV.

CallMeAl · 15/05/2012 13:33

you sound a bit oversensitive. Why didn't you ask the reason for the visit, or say no thanks?
Seems harsh complaining about the look on her face, its probably just her actual face.

Rubirosa · 15/05/2012 13:34

Longtalljosie - children not having a suitable place to sleep would be a red flag, bedsharing isn't.

PinkElephant73 · 15/05/2012 13:36

HVs and the like are damned if they do (ask intrusive questions) and damned if they don't (fail to spot signs of neglect and abuse).

Saying that, this is not an excuse for poor practice.

There would be no harm in a polite letter asking for a written explanation of the purpose of the visit, any specific concerns of the HV, and her conclusions?

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 15/05/2012 13:59

Would she raise concerns about a mother that had suffered PND looking after their own children? I think not. Because in her world mothers are supposed to be the main carers.

I would contact the head of health visiting, make a complaint about her and ask for another HV

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 15/05/2012 14:01

Why was she looking round the bedrooms anyway? In my experience HVs just turn up, sit on the sofa, ask questions read directly out of the red book about whether I let my children play with knives and matches or not, drink a cup of coffee and then go!

Tryharder · 15/05/2012 14:09

YABU. I agree that you sound oversensitive. You say that there is no reason why people with
Mh issues should not look after their own children. Well, yeah but obviously it would depend on the individual's particular problems surely. Your family situation does sound quite...not difficult but not without difficulties either - Dh with health problems, DC with SN...

She's there to help you and make suggestions about how to make things easier for you. I agree with her about your DH - if he's prone to depression, it might be harder than you and he think to be at home all day with 2 very young children with limited adult contact. I don't know your situation but it can't hurt to open yourself up to help and advice rather than dismissing it out of hand.

Original poster
extremepie · 15/05/2012 17:51

Yes, Try, there may be some people who have MH issues who would not be capable of being responsible for children but DH is not one of them, he's been managing for the last 5 years!

We both know how hard it is to be at home full time but DH has been the main carer since they were born 4/5 years ago so it's not something he's just decided to do and she's not sure how he will cope! She knows he has always been the main carer, I'm not sure why she felt the need to bring it up in the way she did.

He doesn't get that much interaction outside the home but he does have a very close friend who is also a full time SAHD who he can chat do and meet up with.

I'm not sure why she decided to look around the bedroom to be honest, I mentioned that we had recently rearranged the boys' bedroom and that DS2 was sleeping much better as a result - she didn't see it before we moved it around, the last time she came round was before we moved 1 1/2 years ago so she would have nothing to compare it to!

We do have 2 beds for them, one single and one toddler bed but we've put the toddler bed up against the wall and are not using it because no matter how many times we put them in their own beds they insist on climbing into bed with each other. They've been doing this since they were both in cots, I actually have pictures of them at 2&1 asleep in bed together :)

I don't make them share a bed, they choose to!

I don't have a problem with anyone offering help or advice (I need all I can get sometimes!) but she wasn't doing either, she was just asking questions, then going 'hmmmm' with a cats bum mouth and making notes on her clipboard, then making comments which I didn't feel were very helpful :(

OP posts:
starwarrior · 15/05/2012 18:13

YABU to let her into your house without asking the reason for the visit. And you allowed her to look at the bedroom, again without knowing why she wanted to see it.
It sounds like someone has expressed concerns about the children and/or your DH's mental health, possibly an anonymous referral to soc services, fairly routine for SS to then ask HV to make contact and check things out.
If you'd asked her a few questions you might have found out and then you'd have had a chance to refute or deal with what is being said.
You could ask to see your children's HV records if you really want to know what's going on.

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