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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my dh is totally unreasonable?

71 replies

ewaczarlie · 14/05/2012 08:23

I've never posted here as I don't usually questions my actions (right or wrong) but this one has me needing some good advice. My dh doesn't like my dm at all and they don't see each other as she lives in another country. They had a big fight a yr ago and will prob never see each other again. I lost my job a couple of months ago and that has meant we had to cancel our planned holiday. Every year dm pays for me and ds to holiday with her and this yr she has invited us for a week in kos. Dh says I can't go as its the kind of holiday that we should be having (but can't afford). I think he's BU as its my dm who's paying and just bc she wants a nicer holiday ds and I shouldn't miss out on seeing her (we only see herb2-3 times a yr). If I choose dh I feel like I'm succumbing to blackmail, if I choose dm my dh will kick off and hold this against me for ever. So I've decided to not go as its easier in long run but is this right? Any advice please (and yes I should probably leave him etc but life isn't that black n white)

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 14/05/2012 08:27

You need to put your foot down and tell him to grow up.

She is your mother, and if you want to see her, you see her. If he doesnt want to, then that is his problem.

If she was paying for you to go and visit her at her home, he wouldnt bother, but he is getting into a strop because you get to have a holiday.

What was the fight over and why do they not get on? Does he have any real grounds to dislike her, or is he just being an arse?

minimisschief · 14/05/2012 08:34

well it is a kick in the teeth you and your child getting to go on holiday because your mum is spiteful and doesnt invite him.

if you want to see your mum that much and she wants to see you she can come visit you and stop leaving your partner in the mud.

LaurieFairyCake · 14/05/2012 08:36

I don't think your mother should be paying to take you and Ds on holiday and excluding your dh

And I dont think you should collude with her excluding him, it's disloyal to your husband

squeakytoy · 14/05/2012 08:39

Why is the mother being spiteful? and as for "disloyalty".. should the OP lose out on having a relationship with her mother because her husband is a tosser?

Have you both read the last line of her post?

AllYoursBabooshka · 14/05/2012 08:39

It really depends on what they fell out over.

ripsishere · 14/05/2012 08:41

Totally agree with mini and laurie. It is a kick on the teeth to your DH.
Can't one of them be the bigger person and agree to disagree?
When my MiL was alive she was a total cunt to me. I loathed her and the feeling was mutual. We lived overseas until recently. DH used to bring DD back for a week twice a year.
I stayed at home. If we were in the UK together, DH would go and see his family, if I ever did go with him, I was civil to her. It killed me and a bit of me died inside, but he is my DH and found it all childish not to mention hurtful.

templenewsam · 14/05/2012 08:42

I would go.

LaurieFairyCake · 14/05/2012 08:42

I did read the last line of her post - she said she should probably leave him - I took that as a nod to the joke on Relationships that we always say 'leave the bastard'

I think it's disloyal because this is a holiday - she already said she visits her mother 2/3 times a year and the holiday is seperate from that.

Her DH is not invited.

minimisschief · 14/05/2012 08:44

squeakytoy he isn't being a tosser he is rightly getting pissed off he is being excluded because the mil doesnt like him. Imagine how pissed you would be if your partners family invited your partner to family gatherings, holidays or weddings ithout you. you would be pissed off and righty so.

her nt going doesnt destroy the mothers relationship because she can always visit her daughter if she has the money to splash out on two tickets abroad. What it is doing is causing friction between the op and her partner, the man she is meant to love and stand by.

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 14/05/2012 08:50

Actually minimisschief the 2nd line of the op states that her dh doesn't like her mil.
OP i think you should go, i can't believe how many people are saying you shouldn't. She is still your mother and your sons grandmother, why shouldn't he see her too?

squeakytoy · 14/05/2012 08:51

My husband did get on well with my mum when she was alive, but I still went to visit her on my own two or three times a year, because it was good to see her and spend quality time with the woman who brought me up and who I had a closer bond with than anyone else in my life. Getting married did not diminish my relationship with my mum.

OP hasnt yet said whether the husband is justified in not liking her mum, or if her mum is being spiteful.

My dad got on fine with my grandma, but could not take many holidays, and there wasnt a lot of money. He was grateful that my mum had a relative who could invite me and her to go and stay with them, so that we got a break. He didnt sulk, or tell my mum that she wasnt to go.

Sarcalogos · 14/05/2012 08:51

I don't think the OP says whether her DM has invited her DH or not. I think it depends whether he is not invited or just doesn't want to go iyswim.

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 14/05/2012 08:52

And fwiw i wouldn't be pissed off if i didn't get on with the family member in question because i wouldn't want to go away with someone i wasn't talking to anyway

Morloth · 14/05/2012 08:55

I think it depends hugely on what the fight between your DP and your DM was about.

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 14/05/2012 08:55

she already said she visits her mother 2/3 times a year and the holiday is seperate from that.

She also said her dm pays for her and her ds to holiday with her every year, this is not a one off it's a tradition which the dh never takes part in by the sounds of it.
Sounds like he's only throwing a hissy fit now because they can't afford a holiday- op why don't you tell him to take your ds on holiday with his paretns also? it's a win win for your ds

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 14/05/2012 08:56

I also don't think your Mum should be excluding your DH...I wouldnt like it if my Mum did that to my DH no matter if she DID live abroad...you are a family...I assume sarcalogos that the DH is nevr invited...the OP says "Every year my Mum pays for my DS and I..."

Not "Us".

FeathersMcGraw · 14/05/2012 08:56

Agree with minimischief

How many times have we seen threads where MIL have excluded the son's wife/been vile etc and we have said DHs should support their wives as this is his main family now etc?

If you flip this situation how would you feel if your DH's parents paid for him & your DC to go on holiday while excluding you? You would expect him to stick up for you and not go...

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 14/05/2012 08:57

YesIAM from the way it's worded it sounds like the ONLY reason the DH "never takes part" is that he's never asked!

spidermanspiderman · 14/05/2012 08:58

I personally would go with ds as this is not really a holiday but a chance for her to spend time with ds.

I go on holiday once a year with just my dm and the dcs. I find that this is the only time a year that they get to spend together properly as dm lives far away and at Christmas etc it's v busy. My dh accepts this as we live near his family and actually would probably not really be his thing anyway. Also he understands that dm and I will want to catch up and he will feel bored.

Things to consider are that you normally go so for him to say no is just out of spite. Is it fair for ds to muss out on this bonding time with dm. What's your relationship with the in laws like do you spend a lot of time with them does dh ever spend time with them on his own. What was the fall out over.

Could dm pay for you and ds to go for 2 weeks she stay for one and you and dh pay for dh to be with you for one?

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 14/05/2012 08:59

Every year dm pays for me and ds to holiday with her Is what OP says...

It seems the husband isn't ever asked...why doesn't your Mum like him OP? Is there a history here?

squeakytoy · 14/05/2012 09:07

I think it would help for the OP to come back and clarify here, as it isnt clear from her initial post why they dont get on, or who is really at fault between the husband and the mother.

Either way though, if the OP has a good relationship with her mum, why should anyone be able to demand that she does not see her or spend time with her.

SoupDragon · 14/05/2012 09:08

How have you come to the conclusion that it is the mother's fault when the OP clearly states her DH doesn't like her mother at all and offers no further information?

Why should the mother miss out on a holiday with her DD and grandson because the DH apparently hates her? the holiday happens every year.

OP, I think you should go on the holiday. Your DH is acting like a spoilt child stamping his feet,

CurrySpice · 14/05/2012 09:12

He wants you to cut off this contact with your mom because of his problems with her? He will sulk and strop "forever" if you don't do as he says? Isn't there a word for that kind of behaviour?

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 14/05/2012 09:14

Well Soup it just seems mean on the epart of the Mother doesn't it? If we were struggling financialy and would have no holiday then NO WAY would my parents offer only me and my child a holiday....they'd ask DH too!

bringbacksideburns · 14/05/2012 09:16

YANBU.

Just because they don't get on your child will not enjoy a week's holiday?
It's very controlling, it's no skin off his nose really. If he's pulling his face because he can't afford to do it that isn't your mother's fault.

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