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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my dh is totally unreasonable?

71 replies

ewaczarlie · 14/05/2012 08:23

I've never posted here as I don't usually questions my actions (right or wrong) but this one has me needing some good advice. My dh doesn't like my dm at all and they don't see each other as she lives in another country. They had a big fight a yr ago and will prob never see each other again. I lost my job a couple of months ago and that has meant we had to cancel our planned holiday. Every year dm pays for me and ds to holiday with her and this yr she has invited us for a week in kos. Dh says I can't go as its the kind of holiday that we should be having (but can't afford). I think he's BU as its my dm who's paying and just bc she wants a nicer holiday ds and I shouldn't miss out on seeing her (we only see herb2-3 times a yr). If I choose dh I feel like I'm succumbing to blackmail, if I choose dm my dh will kick off and hold this against me for ever. So I've decided to not go as its easier in long run but is this right? Any advice please (and yes I should probably leave him etc but life isn't that black n white)

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 14/05/2012 09:17

If we were struggling financialy and would have no holiday then NO WAY would my parents offer only me and my child a holiday....they'd ask DH too

Even if he had behaved dreadfully towards them and refused to speak to them??

sunnydelight · 14/05/2012 09:34

From my reading of the OP this has always happened in the past, DH is just sulking because he can't have a holiday this year so wants everyone to share his pain. I think he is being unreasonable (and childish and mean tbh). It's not as if you and your DS not going on this holiday would mean you could all go somewhere else, if it did that would be totally different.

Teeb · 14/05/2012 10:19

I think if you go then your husband should be allowed to go on holiday himself, perhaps with some friends.

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 14/05/2012 10:23

Squeaky we don't know that's he's behaved dreadfully though do we? She's not said that at all. Teeb they cant afford a holiday.

Teeb · 14/05/2012 10:30

They can't afford a holiday for three of them. If it's only him that needs to pay then it could be done fairly cheap.

pictish · 14/05/2012 10:34

We need more info OP.

On the face of it, he is BU - I don't see why you need his permission to go on holiday with your mum!

BUT

It all kinda depends why it is they can't get along - and who is at fault.

If your dh created the animosity in the first place, then fuck him - book your flight!

If it was your mother who soured their relationship - then I can sort of see his pov. Not that I agree with it, but it would make more sense.

squeakytoy · 14/05/2012 10:34

My dh doesn't like my dm at all

Nowhere does the OP (yes OP, thats YOU... please come back and explain a bit more.. ), indicate that her mum is the one who has behaved badly.

bamboobutton · 14/05/2012 10:41

what was the fight about? i think this bit of info is vital, really.

i fell out with my fil (he flipped out and started shouting in my face/threatening/scaring me, trashed house, all in fron of 3yo ds)

if dh went on holiday with him somewhere really nice i would see it as a massive betrayal, like nothing ever happened and everything was hunky-dory. i would be massivly pissed off.

Original poster
ewaczarlie · 14/05/2012 13:06

Thanks for all comments. Sorry to respond late but got stuck away from internet. So just to clarify a couple of qs. Firstly dh created animosity and acted dreadfully towards dm (we almost split up bc of t). Secondly dh hates going to other country (where dm lives) and whines all the time when he's there plus he doesn't want to see dm. The reason I go only with ds is a)bc it gives us chance to speak our language and for ds to see cousins and b) dh is a nightmare when we go on any holiday and my parents are too old to deal with his strops. If I was going on holiday in dms country he wouldn't mind it's more bc it's a beautiful beach holiday that he wishes to go on (but he would never go with dm even if she invited him). But like some posters said I do see his point about not having a nice holiday with me and ds but I don't see why ds should miss out on time with his other family. Dh sees his parents every day and ds sees those gp every week. I guess I hate being stuck in middle, I want to see my family and it not be a case of choosing. Oh and if dh ever wanted to go on holiday without me (ESP if he took ds) I'd book it, pay for it and pack them up, I'd be thrilled but dh would never do that as he whines about having to even spend a few hrs alone with ds.

OP posts:
Original poster
ewaczarlie · 14/05/2012 13:11

Oh at btw my ps have always given us money do we can enjoy holidays etc (even when we don't need it) in last 3 yrs theyve given us over £10k just for home renovations and holidays. Dh and I are looking to start our own business and my ps have offered to give us the £30k to start it up so they can't be accused of not being supportive or helpful

OP posts:
pictish · 14/05/2012 13:14

Ok.
This is not good.

To be blunt:

Go on your holiday. Your marriage is going down the pan whether you go or not, so you might as well.

Your dh sounds like a total shit. One day, you will probably reach your limit, and leave.
In the meantime - have a nice holiday. xxx

ChickensHaveNoLips · 14/05/2012 13:20

I'd go in a heartbeat. And probably use the time away to sort out the divorce paper work.

fuckbucket · 14/05/2012 13:20

What Pictish just said.

And perhaps Leave The Bastard too? Grin

SirSugar · 14/05/2012 13:21

He says you can't go Hmm

have a nice holiday from me too xxxx

Bluebell99 · 14/05/2012 13:21

You should definitely go on holiday with your ds and dm, and enjoy it. Your dh sounds awful. :(

SoupDragon · 14/05/2012 13:25

Well Soup it just seems mean on the epart of the Mother doesn't it? If we were struggling financialy and would have no holiday then NO WAY would my parents offer only me and my child a holiday....they'd ask DH too!

Not if he hated them and made no attempt to hide it, surely?

SirSugar · 14/05/2012 13:25

Put it this way hes denying his DS a holiday; how cruel/selfish/spoilsport can a father be?

picnicbasketcase · 14/05/2012 13:25

Do you get anything at all back from this marriage? It sounds like you give in to him sulking over everything in order to get a quieter life, he doesn't help with childcare, resents having to be parent and hates your family despite them helping you out a lot financially and you making the effort with his. He sounds like a petulant overgrown teenager. You either need to leave him or give him a big kick up the arse so it sinks in that you will if he doesn't start putting in a bit of effort.

OneHandFlapping · 14/05/2012 13:27

If he was a nice man he would be pleased that at least his wife and child had a chance of a holiday, instead of going "What about me? Me? ME??" like a toddler.

NovackNGood · 14/05/2012 13:27

Sounds like your husband as ishoos at being supported by your parents. He needs to swallow is pride and realise that your other is your mother and won't be turning her back on her family just to please him. It is your mother who will be picking you up when he has got fed up pushed you beyond your limit.

Go on holiday enjoy the break and if he starts to emotional abuse you about it then you can see exactly what kidn fo person he is.

Perhaps he should learned to lose some of his pride and take the help your parents offer and offer them some equity in your new adventure and move on. If he was really a keen new impresario you'd think he jump at the chance of finance.

Dropdeadfred · 14/05/2012 13:27

If he loves you and ds he should be happy to think of you having a lovely holiday - what father would want to deprive their child of a holiday??

NovackNGood · 14/05/2012 13:32

I can never understand why it is that when times are hard you hear of mothers who give up food for days so their kids can eat or have new sufficient to get by yet when some fathers are unable to go on holiday with the wife and child they'd would rather they forfeit it too without any financial gain of loss but solely because he can't go.

Selflessness and selfishishness seem to be sex specific at times.

Scrubber · 14/05/2012 13:35

He's an arse, you should go. He should just get over it! He shouldn't deny his child a holiday with granny or you with your mother. If it was the other way round I'd let DH go.

wheredidiputit · 14/05/2012 13:39

So he happy to accept money from your DM to spend how he likes, but not for your ds to have a holiday.

I Think you should stop accepting money from your parents. If he can not polite to your mum than he stop taking her money.

and yes take your ds on holiday with his grandparents.

shewhowines · 14/05/2012 13:49

Go on holiday. You have ishoos in your marriage. The worst this will do is bring them to a head a little sooner rather than later.

You are entitled to a relationship with your mother. They are not mean financially towards your husband and he wouldn't want to go anyway. But he's willing to stop you and your Dc maintaining your relationship with your mother.

Agree not to go if it's ok by him for your DC not to see your DH parents either. After all there wouldn't be a financial issue with either option. And both would be equally unfair.