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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my dh is totally unreasonable?

71 replies

ewaczarlie · 14/05/2012 08:23

I've never posted here as I don't usually questions my actions (right or wrong) but this one has me needing some good advice. My dh doesn't like my dm at all and they don't see each other as she lives in another country. They had a big fight a yr ago and will prob never see each other again. I lost my job a couple of months ago and that has meant we had to cancel our planned holiday. Every year dm pays for me and ds to holiday with her and this yr she has invited us for a week in kos. Dh says I can't go as its the kind of holiday that we should be having (but can't afford). I think he's BU as its my dm who's paying and just bc she wants a nicer holiday ds and I shouldn't miss out on seeing her (we only see herb2-3 times a yr). If I choose dh I feel like I'm succumbing to blackmail, if I choose dm my dh will kick off and hold this against me for ever. So I've decided to not go as its easier in long run but is this right? Any advice please (and yes I should probably leave him etc but life isn't that black n white)

OP posts:

Original poster

ewaczarlie · 14/05/2012 14:43

Lots to think about thanks gals. Either way I won't stop seeing my family and I'd never stop ds from seeing dhs ps as they are an important part of ds life. Think I'll try another serious chat with dh tonight and see where that leads. Thanks again

OP posts:

giveitago · 14/05/2012 14:46

I'm guessing you see your ils all the time.

You must see your dm - and if not there can she not come to you?

Your relationships sounds a bit of a one way street where your family are subsidising you all yet you are not meant to see them.

My dh's family are overseas - we do not get on (and they certainly don't subsidise us) but I grin and bear it as I want my ds to feel part of a bigger family he must see them - it's only right.

My dm's family have been subsidising us and dh is not keen on seeing them at all. In the holidays I take ds and go myself (there are in UK) - and going to stay with parents, to me at least, does not consitute a holiday - it's just seeing family - that's what families do.

So sort of in an opposite situation to you but I really think you should go. I don't think they should be paying you as a couple to start a business right now as he's not acting as part of couple.

stripesnotspots · 14/05/2012 16:55

I would go and explain to your DH that she's your mother and you don't get to see her that often etc. It'll be nice for your DS and he's being a bit stroppy cos they don't get on. The fact that it's Kos is neither here nor there I think.

DPrince · 14/05/2012 17:01

Depends on what the fight was over and why she is excluding him. This isn't a visit its a holiday. I think if it was the other way round, is a womans mil offering to pay for the dh and kids, there would be outrage at a mil excluding dip from her family. No I don't think you should go. I would be really upset if ah did this to me.

thebody · 14/05/2012 17:18

If this was a mil excluding dil I suspect some responses would be different.

It's a shame your dm and dh can't get a quarrel, can u engineer a truce? Can u ask dm to include him?

If not then I think you shouldn't go as your first loyalty is to your dh.

SoupDragon · 14/05/2012 19:00

If this was a mil excluding dil I suspect some responses would be different.

Well, that would depend on whether the DIL hated the MIL and behaved like a twat.

Original poster

ewaczarlie · 14/05/2012 19:14

Personally I would hope that the responses were the same irrelevant of sex. I have chosen not to go but I know that this is me being weak and allowing dh to control me. But I'm doing it for ds, either he gets time with my dm and his cousins and then hell at home or no holiday and no (less) hell at home. Ultimately everything I'm doing now is for my ds so I might as well grim and bear it (though at least I'm happy that I'm nbu in my thinking so thanks everyone)

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 14/05/2012 19:25

Nooooooooooo. You really should go!!!

Pandemoniaa · 14/05/2012 19:36

Go! From what you say, your husband has set out to cause trouble with your family and now wishes to keep you away from them. He sounds like a spoilt child and if you turn this holiday down you've rewarded his controlling tactics. Don't deny yourself and your ds the chance of a happy holiday.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/05/2012 19:48

Tell him the choice is between you and DS going on a nice holiday with DM or she comes to stay with you all for a couple of weeks. FWIW, I don't really get on with FIL but put up with him for DH. If your DH can't put up with your DM for your sake, I would be looking at your relationship.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/05/2012 20:19

TBH ewaczarlie your statement "I'm doing it [not going on holiday with DM] for ds" simply won't wash. How is it in his best interests to not have a nice holiday with his maternal grandparents? Your H's tantrum is not your responsibility, it is his. And he need to grow the feck up.

"Every year dm pays for me and ds to holiday with her and this yr she has invited us for a week in kos. Dh says I can't go as its the kind of holiday that we should be having (but can't afford). " So he's happy to take your parents' money ( "in last 3 yrs theyve given us over £10k just for home renovations and holidays" ) when it suits/benefits him - but not if he gets no direct benefit, just you and DS. Selfish, selfish, hypocrite!

And I have to question his "its the kind of holiday that we should be having" whine, when he sounds as if he's a complete pain on holiday -
"dh is a nightmare when we go on any holiday and my parents are too old to deal with his strops." (Newsflash - everybody is too old to deal with any adult's strops!)
" If I was going on holiday in dms country he wouldn't mind it's more bc it's a beautiful beach holiday that he wishes to go on (but he would never go with dm even if she invited him)." This beggars belief. You and DS can only have a holiday if it's not somewhere he wants to go? Selfish, selfish, selfish!
"Oh and if dh ever wanted to go on holiday without me (ESP if he took ds) I'd book it, pay for it and pack them up, I'd be thrilled but dh would never do that as he whines about having to even spend a few hrs alone with ds."

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 14/05/2012 20:41

Sorry but your DH sounds like a complete knob!
don't you think you deserve better than someone who causes rifts, takes your parents money then is rude to them and actually wants to spend time with your son?
I hope you can see that you deserve more than this

spidermanspiderman · 14/05/2012 21:08

Hhmmm as everyone else says go. He wants your parents to support you but won't let them see you or your ds.

SodoffBaldrick · 14/05/2012 21:14

I was all set to say that YWBU and how petty your DM sounded for not including him, but after your subsequent posts I totally reverse that. She sounds like a bit of a saint.

Your DH is a bit of a pathetic sorry case really, isn't he? What's with him being such an unrelenting arse, making everyone around him miserable and stropping around in holidays? And taking your parents money for other things whilst being awful to them??

His good points are?

Nanny0gg · 14/05/2012 21:29

Go.

And don't let him accept money from your parents when he can't be civil to them.

Original poster

ewaczarlie · 16/05/2012 08:52

Ladies thanks again for your advice. You'll be glad to know we are going dh dealing with it somehow

OP posts:

pictish · 16/05/2012 09:54

Hurrah!

SoupDragon · 16/05/2012 09:55

[applause]

Dropdeadfred · 16/05/2012 11:31

Hurray - great to hear!!!

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/05/2012 16:51

Good for you.

skybluepearl · 16/05/2012 17:40

Go on holiday and enjoy! Your DH sounds like a 12 year old.

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