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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to refuse antidepressants....

58 replies

Longdistance · 14/05/2012 05:43

....from the doc, as my situation can be resolved, without pills.
Just been to the doc's, and i've had a viral infection all week. I'm mildly asthmatic, and the doc gave me 2 inhalers, and some antibiotics. I then proceeded to break down and cry in front of the doc , and told her about our move to Australia, and how unhappy I have been, and that I miss everyone, and that my dh has been a complete arse about everything. I refused the anti depressants, as feel they are not the answer.
When the opportunity came up to move to Oz, it was discussed prior, and we agreed, that it wasn't for us, as we had been on holiday, and it didn't wow us. So, that was left on the back burner.
Que back 4months later, and the guy here in Oz (same company as UK) contacts dh again, and says he has a job for him. Dh jumps at the chance, and then pressures me into saying yes (I was 6 months pg at the time, and ill). He was impossible to live with, and feel he bullied me into this :(
I have had to give up everything in my life for this move, and it has made me very unhappy. I have given up my job (although they haven't dealt with my resignation yet), my family, and friends. Just so dh can work here in Oz. I ahve previously given up a lot in this relationship, and he has taken, and now I think I'm paying the price.
Since we've been here my dh has treated me badly (he hasn't hit me), just hasn't given me any emotional support, and has been constantly on my case about things, such as you need to do this, and this. I'm a grown woman of 36, and don't need telling what needs doing. I did very well on my own before, and don't need his dictatorship. Things like going for a night out. I might not fancy going, as one of the evenings I was dropping my dbro at the airport, and didn't want to leave my car in the city, and get a taxi back. The timing was poor, so he kept going on and on about it. Constantly asking why the housekeeping money isn't enough. He pressured me into buying a car I didn't want.
This is the most unhappy I have been in my life, and I just don't know what to do?!
Was I right to refuse the antidepressants?
Sorry for the long post, and any (sp) mistakes as I'm crying writing this :(

OP posts:

owlelf · 14/05/2012 06:02

You poor love, your situation sounds really difficult. I'm not medically trained but you don't sound like you need antidepressants to me.

What you need is for your DH not to bully you into moving to OZ, not to criticise you and undermine you.

Does he care that you are feeling so sad?

Have you considered returning to the UK?

Original poster

Longdistance · 14/05/2012 06:09

I have broched the subject a lot with him, but he changes the subject very quickly. And I have no one else to talk to.
I really want to go home. We had an agreement of a yr, but I've been unhappy since Xmas/New yr.

OP posts:

Morloth · 14/05/2012 06:46

Go home.

Is there support for you at home? Any chance of your job back?

MrsMuddyPuddles · 14/05/2012 07:03

There is no right or wrong with antidepressants. Do you agree that your unhappiness is affecting you badly enough that you are depressed? Even assuming that diagnosis is correct, there are more options for treating depression than just meds, abd it's up to you what route you feel comfortable going down. I'm currently on ADs, I've previously need depressed and "just " sorted it with therapy and a healthier lifestyle.

You dont say much about your situation, other than your overbearing arse of a "D"H. Are you involved in the brittish expat community? Having expat friends to comissurate with, and even just to hear the "right" accent helps loads. As does making local friends, to help aclimatize.

Is there any chance that he would do couples therapy with you? Also, what was his behaviour like when you were in the UK? Even if you can't get him into therapy, I'd encourage you to get some for yourself.

MrsMuddyPuddles · 14/05/2012 07:04

*had, not need.

squeezed · 14/05/2012 07:10

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. Could you talk to DH about it? He may be wrapped up in his own excitement and not able/willing to see what you are going through.

From the dates you have given it looks would I be right in saying that you also have a little one? This could also add the the pressure.

If the doctor suggested anti depressants, they may be worth considering. I know that they can get bad press, but sometimes they help you manage the symptoms that may be stopping you making decisions or changes in how you think and manage things. I did anti depressants and therapy which in combination helped me to change my life.

mummyinspain · 14/05/2012 08:04

I can't work out if you are already in Auz or going to auz?

What about a holiday back to the Uk to visit friends and family?

Have you explored the local area for ex pat groups, friendship groups. sewing circle, cooking classes or what ever you think may take your interest?

Have you made any friends over there?

Keep talking, on here, it helps.

Original poster

Longdistance · 14/05/2012 08:04

I have tried to phone dh at work today, and as usual my phone call was ignored by him :( Just a long series of events, of how dh treats me.
I just don't think he cares about me at all. I think I'm just the mother of his children. He doesn't show me any affection whatsoever.
I think I will have it out with him tonight when the girls are asleep. They are 2 and a half, and 10mo.
I feel really trapped here, and can't see a way out, and dh doesn't help with his attitude. It's like he's in denial, and doesn't want to understsand.
I have met some expats here, and they are older than me, and their children are grown up. Even with dh work, when there is an event I rarely get invited. I go swimming, and do a toddler gym class with the girls. We did do a playgroup, but they kept keeping me out of the loop as to what was going on, and they didn't have much in the way of welcoming younger children like dd2. Even when I saw one of the mums in the local supermarket, it's as if she didn't want to spk to me :( Felt very unwelcome.

OP posts:

Morloth · 14/05/2012 08:05

Whereabouts in Australia are you?

Original poster

Longdistance · 14/05/2012 08:08

We are in Oz btw, hence dh being at work now.
I also go to Zumba, and triple t classes (thigh, bums, and tums). Just to meet ppl without children too. So, it's not like I haven't tried. I've also joined a 'book club', and that's only every two months.

OP posts:

Original poster

Longdistance · 14/05/2012 08:09

Perth WA :)

OP posts:

Morloth · 14/05/2012 08:11

Oh God Perth, beautiful place, a bit boring though!

What do you actually like to do? Not just to meet people but what actually floats your boat?

Original poster

Longdistance · 14/05/2012 08:15

Well, I thought the book club would be good, as love reading.
Also, like cooking (boring, but love experimenting). Love travelling, and my job involved travel. I'm interested in other cultures, and learning about them. My parents are Hungarian, so have always been intrigued about other ppl's cultures etc.

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Original poster

Longdistance · 14/05/2012 08:18

Yes, Perth is boring. Everything is massively far apart as well. I knew this before we came out but you really don't realise how boring and tedious journeys can be.

OP posts:

mummyinspain · 14/05/2012 08:29

LD, book you and the DD's a flight (to anywhere) and go!

Do try to talk to DP first but if things are the way you say I doubt it willmake much difference.I think your DP is in massive denile (sp) and does not want to admitt to him self that he is the direct cuase of your misery. Hence the avoiding phone calls, not wanting to talk etc. My guess if you up and leave he will go into panic, may be the shock he needs to start helping you.

It is not going to be possible to pack the famliy up and leave but if you have DP support it maybe possible to make the rest of the 12months you have left as pleasant as possible.

Good luck

Morloth · 14/05/2012 08:34

What about seeing if Monash has a course or something on Aboriginal culture? Or if more convenient the open university?

I don't know how you are placed for childcare but what about something like this?

Being an expat is hard it is hard regardless of where you are coming from or going to. It is hard enough when you have a strong supportive marriage.

What about a wander down to the Fremantle markets one weekend to do some foody lovin'?

Or a weekend out to the Swan Valley/Margaret River? Lots of good food out there (as my arse can attest!).

Morloth · 14/05/2012 08:36

This sort of thing applies regardless of home/expatriate county as well.

Original poster

Longdistance · 14/05/2012 08:57

Oooo! Thanks for that. Was saying the other day, that I'd love to learn to make Paella, and always wanted to know how to do canapes too lol.
Only problem is my dh doesn't get home til late, as he doesn't want to see his miserable wife:(
We went to Margaret River, it was fab, but dh was being tight, and if I saw anything I wanted it was a no.
Fremantle is one of my favourite places. Love the buzz, and the food, and again, dh stingeyness seems to get in the way again. He earn very good money. I had posted last wk, about how do ppl handle finances, as dh gives me housekeeping money, that never is enough. We have two in nappies, and dh keeps questioning me about where the money is going.

OP posts:

Morloth · 14/05/2012 09:11

Yes, well, fuck housekeeping money.

We have joint accounts, his money is my money. It is all ours.

DH too suffers from tightness but I know his just comes from wanting to make sure we are OK all the time.

So he might whinge and bitch a bit if I am getting a bit spendy, but as I also have no intention of bankrupting us he knows that I am going to do what I want to do.

I couldn't be married to a man who viewed the money as his. DH can absolutely think that if he wants, but he can't be married to me anymore if that is the way he wants things.

Being an expat is expensive. With all the mining money sloshing around WA at the moment it is an expensive place to live.

Your relationship is your real problem, the other stuff is all fixable. If he is just going to give you a brick wall then what are your choices?

You either put up with it or you leave him. Both suck when compared to two people who obviously loved each other at some point, getting together and sorting things out to a mutually agreeable set up.

Mrsjay · 14/05/2012 09:16

come home I know he is your husband but love you cant stay in a country that is making you so miserable
, Antidepressants are not going to make you happy although all this may have made you very depressed ontop of the stress
, your husband cant force you to do things because its what HE wants and needs you are a familiy and he needs to consider this , YANBU to think you dont need ant Ds maybe try and talk to your gp some more about how you are feeling though dont dismiss your feelings , it can really mess up your mental health

Original poster

Longdistance · 14/05/2012 09:32

That's my problem. He always sets up a brick wall. He bullied me into buying a car I didn't want. It was my money from my last car, that was almost brand new. He said I could choose the car, but when it came to decision time, he went ahead with everything on a car that I can only describe as ugly. He was stumping up the finance which was half of the car, hence him wanting input. I wnated a cheaper car too.
It is his money as far as he is concerned. I did persuade him the other day to have a joint account.
There is a sizable £600 profit on our rented out home, and I don't get to see this. I have asked for bank statements, and he has sidelined. When I sold my house in the UK before we got married, I made a lot of profit from the sale, and that went into our home in the UK (my choice, as didn't want to look like a freeloader), and I had my name put on the house first, before i invested any money. So basically half the house is mine financially regardless.
When I asked for a breakdown of finances from the bank, he wrote it on a piece of paper. He didn't show me the money from the mortagage in the UK on a bank statement stating that he was using that money to fund 'this'. But, then he said we had $700 as surplus cash. No, he had $700 surplus cash, as I don't have access to the accounts

OP posts:

Original poster

Longdistance · 14/05/2012 09:34

Awww, thanks Mrs.J. Just looked online for one way flights home x

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doormat · 14/05/2012 09:42

agree with morloth on the financial side but as for the ad's i think it might be worth a try...

ashesgirl · 14/05/2012 09:48

Don't think you need anti-depressants, think you need a better husband.

Everything seems to revolve around him and his needs. And you don't even get a say because he doesn't want to hear it and doesn't let you speak up (ignores your calls etc).

He sounds controlling.

Original poster

Longdistance · 14/05/2012 09:55

That's what my thoughts were on it ashesgirl. He seems to put his needs first, but when it comes to me, he just ignores me :(

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